An old mindset for Burned. This is thread 8.

[burned]

D now appears to be just a matter of time, and W seems to be getting meaner and colder by the week.

This is actually fairly normal. I think they do it hoping that we will treat them the same thus justifying their desire to D. So your response should be to take the high road and not let her drag you down to her level. Conduct yourself with dignity and respect at all times.

That's my aim. And taking the high road is simple, all I have to do is not let her see me flipping out. And it's all by text. It would be a whole different barrel of fish if we lived together. But we're going on 2 months now of not having seen each other FTF.

I'm fairly certain I won't be getting a second chance.

Absolutely no way to know that. I have a friend whose wife went rogue and told him there was zero chance they would get back together, ever. They sold their home and business and split the proceeds and she moved in with OM. They did not talk at all for 2 years. Then she started reaching out, then they had coffee, then dating, and now they are back together and happier than ever. That all took place several years ago and they are still together. Will you get back together in a week? No. A month? Highly doubtful. A year? Iffy. Ever? I would never go that far.

I hope you don't get tired of repeating yourself. If I had a buck for every time you've posted something like that on my thread in the last month...but it helps to be reminded. At least it makes it feel less like crashing into a brick wall at 100 mph, and more like, I dunno, pressing the morphine button a few times too many. Getting sleepier and sleepier but not dead yet. Maybe that only makes sense in my head.

I could use any encouragement people might be able to spare.

Very sorry you are going through this but most of us here can 100% relate to what you are saying. ... ... That's the benefit of this forum, you're talking to people that are walking or have walked in your shoes.

And I really appreciate it. It's above and beyond. I mean we're supposed to be here for ideas about how to implement DB principles. But the moral support helps just as much. Especially when one isn't so great at DBing...

[AnotherStander]

I hope you don't get tired of repeating yourself. If I had a buck for every time you've posted something like that on my thread in the last month...but it helps to be reminded. At least it makes it feel less like crashing into a brick wall at 100 mph, and more like, I dunno, pressing the morphine button a few times too many. Getting sleepier and sleepier but not dead yet. Maybe that only makes sense in my head

I'm sorry, I wish I had Sandi's or Steve's or 25's ability to remember everyone's sitches and what they've said already, I am so bad about that, LOL! Sandi in particular, it amazes me how she can keep track of everyone so well. I barely remember what I said to someone yesterday, but last week or month? Very foggy indeed I think when I was personally going through this I had a very defeatist attitude for much of it. That's why I tell people (and I've no doubt said it to you) that if I can do it, anyone can. Because I certainly don't have any special powers or abilities. Everyone used to tell me what a great DBer I was but I felt like a miserable failure. It is damned hard to overcome all those negative feelings and feel like you have value again. But I did, and you will too. It won't happen as fast as you want it to (wouldn't it be awesome if we could just flip a switch!) but it will happen.

[MoveFrwd]

Burned -
I want to help you. I’m just not exactly sure what to say or how to say what I’ve said differently to better help you.

My best advice is this. The best way to stop doing something is...to stop doing it. If you want to stop obsessing over W...then stop obsessing over her. The problem is that your brain doesn’t have an off switch. So if I say “whatever you do, don’t picture a giant elephant wearing a pink tutu”...what’s the first thing you think about? So instead, you need to fill your brain with other thoughts. That’s where GAL comes in. I know that sometimes people stay so busy that they don’t have time to think about their problems. I don’t necessarily think that would be a bad thing for you. It wasn’t for me. I used to have a game night on Monday, go to trivia on Tuesday night, play Pathfinder on Wednesday, have my kids the next three nights and then find some friends to hang out with and watch football on Sundays. And then I would start over the next week. I was getting home at midnight or being with my kids pretty much every night. By the time I slowed down and was in a state to think about my XW...I didn’t want to anymore. Your life has momentum. The only way to really reverse it is to focus on the positives, to GAL, and to just force your way back up.

How is your Happiness Journal?
How are you doing on your goals that you set?
What small successes can you celebrate?

[burned]

How is your Happiness Journal?
How are you doing on your goals that you set?
What small successes can you celebrate?

Thanks for checking in. Your advice is so different, so practical. We’re you like me, did you overthink things? I’m trying to implement what you’re saying but I always end up ruminating. The thought of being up until midnight every night is crazy to me, I can barely hold it together at work as it is, in bed by 8 on weeknights...

I fell behind on the happiness/gratitude journal. Going to do it again tonight. I think it helps a little.

Tonight’s small success was that I made pork chops and watched Baywatch. Hilarious movie. Highly recommended.

I don’t understand goals for some reason. I’m trying to figure it out. My top “signature strengths” are love of learning, sense of humor, judgment, kindness, forgiveness, honesty, and creativity. There are several sort of pie in the sky goals I have. Mainly I’d like to run a 5K and sell a photograph to a stranger.

Aside from that I’ve identified 3 main areas of growth: learning new things, conscientiousness/health, and social skills.

For learning new things, I want to learn to play the piano, learn a new song or two on the guitar, and learn to juggle, and visit one new city before the end of the year. Probably Philly to see some historical things, and it’s driving distance almost.

For conscientiousness/health, lots of goals. Make the bed daily (doing well there). Do the dishes before bed each night (so-do). Keep the countertops clean and clutter-free. Vacuum the apartment weekly. Cook at least 2 healthy meals per week (accomplished this week). Clean my CPAP equipment weekly. Do a few pushups and sit-ups and pull-ups every morning. Can’t really do anything that involves my legs because of the broken ankle but I’d like to run a mile twice a week and row for 10 minutes twice a week. Take my medication every day (consistently done). See IC once a week (consistently done). See my doctor as needed, ortho appt., cardiologist of those weird palpitations come back. Wear my ankle boot every day (so-so). Then a few that I haven’t done yet: buy new shirts, buy cologne, new jeans, already got some new work pants. Shave more often. Get haircuts once a month. And there is a sub-list of “things that suck”: Work on D paperwork. Go get a couch from a friend (need to rent a UHaul for that). Get more crap from the house, haul out the half-dead old convertible on a trailer and bring it to the parents’ barn. Buy a portable washer/dryer. For social skills: leave the apartment at least once a day for any reason. Attend one Meetup event per week. Join a communication skills group. Find some kind of conflict-management class. Get back in touch with two friends that I’ve lost touch with (one of them emailed me this week). Correspond more regularly with distant friends/relatives. Write thank-you notes for favors that people did for me lately (accomplished).

Is that what goals look like? I mean I don’t really feel like seeing the Taj Mahal but it would be cool to learn how to rock climb. I’ve always wanted to do some cold-weather backpacking, too. So I need to add to my list getting my backpacking equipment from the old garage.

So...finally typed that all out. Feedback? I think this could be useful. Zorro Circle and so forth. Sorry for the messy post, typing from my phone...

P.S. you Amoafwl are going in my gratitude journal right now for holding me accountable. So’s everyone else, for being supportive. P.P.S. I get the Avengers thing, a week or two after S I tried to watch Incredibles 2 alone and silently cried in a dark theater. That was one of my first low moments.

[MoveFrwd]

I’m on my phone so I can’t really quote well.

I would say I overthought things plenty. Like you, I had many many threads that accumulated quickly. They’re gonna now but, I definitely went through plenty of cycles of trying to figure everything out. Ultimately, I had no choice but to accept that there are plenty of questions I won’t know the answer to. And that the answers just aren’t that important anymore. Basically, I just had to let it go that maybe I will get more information later and maybe not. What I DO know was that there is no point in spending hours of my precious energy on it.

As for your goals, they look like a good start. Try to figure out what is manageable for you. Add timelines. Add specific tasks you want to do and when you’ll do them. But I think you’re on the right track. Keep at it.

[MoveFrwd]

On BD1 SHE said she'd quietly pack her things and leave. I told her not to. 2 months later she said she wanted S, I tried to talk her out of it. She said she would move out, I said, no, I'll move out. She went back to OM, I said "No problem, come back to me, we can make this work." Marriage workshop, MC, etc. Discovered DB end of July but by then it was "too late" in a sense. By end of August she was done. Not once did she miss me or say "I want this to work." It was all just "Let's try and see what happens." It was all just delay tactics because OM is the one she wants to be with.
I missed my chance to kick her to the curb. I missed my chance to say "It's me or nobody."

Yes. All of this is true.
But it's also in the past.

Can you change what you ate for breakfast yesterday? Can you change what college you went to? Can you change what you wore on your first day of kindergarten?

It exists. And it will forever exist as things that you have done.

What you need to do now is LEARN from those mistakes.

At this point if I file for D it just comes across as capitulating to what she's already pushing for.

Is that bad? Do you need to diametrically oppose her...just....because.
It's about figuring out what is best for YOU.
What do you need to regain your confidence? What do you need to do in order to learn more alpha tendencies?

I literally relinquished all of my power in the name of being nice. And destroyed my own life in the process.

Me? Id start here.

You may live SIXTY MORE years. Do you want to do that with a life thats destroyed? I sure didnt.
When my ex decided she wanted to S, I had basically nothing. My friends almost all abandoned me. I had no outside interests. I was a lost puppy whose owner decided to walk away. Im sure Im not the only one. Rebuilding takes time. But it isnt going to happen FOR you. Set goals. Figure out what you want to do. And then DO it. Seek out opportunities. For me, I pictured Jim Carrey in "Yes, man." What do you have to lose?

[ovrrnbw]

Burned,

I'm just getting caught up. The only thing I'll add is that you are caught up with her AKA not detached. You've only been working at this for a short time, but you should start making progress soon if you're taking the steps. Sometimes a subsequent reading of something will yield a new perspective. So reread the advice you've gotten and try to do you best to understand and implement it.

One thing that stood out was you saying "D is imminent". OK well you don't know that. You need to "act as if".

Good luck.

[burned]

At this point if I file for D it just comes across as capitulating to what she's already pushing for.

Is that bad? Do you need to diametrically oppose her...just....because.
It's about figuring out what is best for YOU.
What do you need to regain your confidence? What do you need to do in order to learn more alpha tendencies?

Talked about this in IC this morning. I need to be doing things to show myself that I respect myself and that I am committed to my own survival. Filing isn't for her, it's for me. It doesn't make sense to be married to her at this point, and the financial risk is increasing. It doesn't seem like she WON'T do it, but it would be on her time and her terms, and that's sort of weak. It means I just sit here waiting in fear. So I need to take action there. I also have to build up the courage to have a very difficult conversation with my employer. (It has been a rough week.)

I was a lost puppy whose owner decided to walk away.

There's a good description of me! Now I need to become a big dog.

For me, I pictured Jim Carrey in "Yes, man." What do you have to lose?

That movie jumps into my head a lot when people talk about GAL. And it was one of "our" favorite movies so I try to avoid thinking about it at the moment. That, plus the theme song "Separate Ways" which is like THE defining song of my life these past months, PLUS the fact that Zooey Deschanel is the topic of the Death Cab for Cutie song "Black Sun" about her breakup with Ben Gibbard, which was a song I was listening to a lot up until BD without even having a CLUE what was in store for me. Sigh... Not saying that to wallow, more just to have a little laugh at myself and all the silliness. :P

[AnotherStander]

Is that what goals look like?

In general that looks pretty good! Some of the things fall more under a "to-do list" rather than goals (like make the bed, clean the kitchen, etc.) Goals are more along the lines of something you are trying to achieve in which the results can be measured. An easy example is losing weight. "Losing weight" isn't really a goal, because the end result isn't defined. But "lose 20 pounds" is a good, solid goal. Once you have a goal like that, you can have milestones leading up to it, like lose 2 pounds a week. Losing 20 pounds may be an overwhelming thought, but losing 2 pounds a week brings it down to a scale that seems more achievable. That's just an example, maybe you want to gain weight, or maybe you are happy where you are. So running a 5k and selling a photo to a stranger are awesome goals, and both have potential milestones leading up to the goal. Like running 2k by the end of 2 weeks, then 3k by the end of 4, etc. Or showing photos to friends and strangers to get feedback on what might sell and what might not, and maybe opening an Etsy Shop leading up to your goal of actually selling a photo. Does that make sense?

Incidentally, I have a similar goal in eventually selling clay sculpts. It's not something I need to do for money, just a fun hobby of mine. I've made a lot of artist friends through Instagram and have been picking their brains on which of my work they think is marketable, and have also been gathering tips and tricks for working faster (there's not much point in selling something for 50 bucks if it takes me 20 hours to make it!) I've always tinkered with stuff like that but it's amazing what you learn by befriending other artists that work in the same genre.

but it would be cool to learn how to rock climb.

Another great goal! Maybe have mileposts of "researching rock climbing classes", "find out what equipment and clothing I need", "purchase required equipment".

Make checklists, then check them off. Checking items off a checklist gives just about anyone a great sense of accomplishment. It also helps you sort what you need to do to achieve your goals.

[burned]

OK. I never thought of selling photos on Etsy. That's a good idea. And now that I'm feeling slightly less despondent thinking about future possibilities, I might sit down and dig into these goals in more detail. That was more of a rough outline.

Just got a Meetup message from the guy whose girlfriend runs the Friday night board game group. We're watching a horror movie tonight but he wants to know if I wanted to get together with some of the guys on another night. Lifted my spirits a little.