Having a tough time so far today. Can't get W out of my mind. This is her first day at her new job. Since we've always worked together ever since we've been married, it's been really hard so far today. Most people can get away from their sitches when going to work. I imagine it gives them sort of a break and lets them focus on their job and not their predicament. Not me, unfortunately. Work is now a constant reminder that she's gone from this part of my life now.
I'm feeling pretty sad and disappointed that its come to this.....She's said this might be a good "break" from each other to help with the time and space she's been feeling she needs. She's also said the new job will provide additional income and full benefits which will help out "our family." I feel more like this is one less obstacle she needs to overcome to completely break free from me. One less thing standing in her way.
If she does continue down this path that looks like will end in D, I can't help but feeling like she's abandoning me twice. Once at work and once as my W and our intact family.
I hope it gets better with time. Time helps heal all wounds, but this is really tough right now.
Also, I will now be the sole caretaker for my kids due to her commute to the new job. It's now fully on me to get them ready for school and day care, pick them up from school and day care, get them to after school activities and start getting supper ready for them, etc. A lot of extra responsibilities that seem pretty overwhelming right now as I try to look forward.
I'm still holding out a slight glimmer of hope that once she settles into this new job, it won't be all she thought it was going to be. Losing valuable time with our young kids, not having the ability to come and go from work as she pleases, longer work days due to the commute and the like. Probably won't happen and even if she feels that way, I don't think she's at a point yet where she would admit it to me anyway.
I went to daily mass today. I try to go as much as I can. One of my 180s and something that makes me feel better as a person. Throughout all of this, I've become much closer to God. Praying hard for him to help give me strength and also praying that he can speak to her, open her heart up to the chance of R and shining a light on our love. It feels as though the only way I might be able to save our marriage is through His divine intervention. Maybe He is waiting until she has better grips on her own personal struggles before allowing us to work toward R so that if we do, its more likely to succeed. At this point all I can do is trust in His will.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Well W, you have two points of view of your actual sitch. You can see the negative part or the posstive one. What does DB says: detach, give her space, work on yourself. You have the chance here. Get into amoafwl.
PMA man! Be there for your children, move forward.
Keep DBing man, stay strong!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Wish I had something helpful to say but at least I can offer you a reminder that you're not alone and that we know how you feel. Trust and hope go hand in hand.
Check out Hoosjim's sitch for some thoughts on divine intervention.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Early on there is hardly anything you can do to ease the pain. In the beginning I spent hours upon hours each day reading material from almost 20 yrs ago to help me make sense of what was going on. Knowing that I was not alone gave me extreme comfort. Early on I prayed every day for my Xw to return as the months drug on it just was exhausting and gradually those prayers stopped being about my Xw returning and they become solely about myself and my girls. Right now your hanging on to the edge of a cliff refusing to let go. When you finally let go of cliff you will free fall and your journey to healing will begin.
I can tell you from experience you will never make sense of any of this.
Have been feeling major disrepect and general inconsideration from W recently. I started to withdraw from her, not engaging her in regular conversations, etc for the past few days. So, I made the stupid mistake of bringing it up to W. Ask her what exactly have I done or am doing that gives her so much resentment toward me? Of course she didn't really have an answer. Claimed there was no resentment but then that conversation led to a R convo. She keeps telling me that I'm always trying to make her agree with my thoughts and beliefs and when I asked her "Do you ever think about the vows we took?" (I know, boneheaded mistake) She flipped out and said that "I'm trying to be holier than thou and superior to her which I've always done" Keep in mind this woman has cheated on me 3 times with two of my best friends so its typical for someone in her position to say that IMO. I lost it for a second after she said that but then tried to calm down and talk a little more calmly. Needless to say, the damage was already done.
She left the house but during the conversation she made the comment (revisionist talk I feel) that "She's probably checked out of this marriage longer than I've though she has." So, after she left I texted her:
"Can we please talk in a calm manner tonight sometime? If you’ve been checked out of this marriage for as long as you say, not sure that what we are doing right now is going to help at all. I’m willing to grant you what you desire. I can’t save this by myself and I’m resigned now to that reality. I’m ready to end this pain and suffering and want to start working through the pain and suffering of an ended marriage and broken family." I then went on to say that I'll probably stay at home for Thanksgiving rather than go to her parents with her and kids.
She responded with "Ok. Yeah to talking level headed."
Now, I realize I effed up royally by initiating this convo. However, what I came to find afterwards really doesn't make me care all that much that I screwed up or not. While she was gone, I did some recon and found out she's been in contact with OM since her bike ride rendezvous where she claimed she told him they need to end contact. Just like everyone here predicted and what I sort of assumed was the case. Now I have proof. She sat in the joint session and lied to the ICs and to me that she was cutting of communication.
I'm now at the point where I'm ready to show her the door. In this talk tonight, I'm not sure how I should proceed. I think I'll try to let her steer the convo and if she doesn't really start if off I think I'm going to start by saying, "what are your thoughts and feelings about what I said earlier in the text?" Any suggestions of some better way to do this?
Right now, my feelings are I'll wait towards the end of the conversation and ask her if she's been holding true and holding herself accountable to the NC with OM. If she says yes, I'm going to respond "We both know you are lying." And then I'm going to simply go on to say something along the lines of, "W, you've been leading me on this whole time making it seem as though you were thinking things through. In reality, all you are doing is continuing an A with OM while trying to perceive to me that you are really working through and trying to process this. You've continued to ask for time and space to think but in reality you are just using this time and space to continue talking to OM and stringing me along for the ride. I'm done with it. I believe you are just trying to save up enough $ until you feel comfortable financially to bolt and that's where this is headed. I don't want you here anymore. I want you to get your things and leave this house. If you don't, I'm going to leave tonight and when I come back tomorrow after work, I expect to not see you here. (I have work appts in a town 1.5 hours away tomorrow morning so I could easily just go up tonight and stay to go to those and then come back tomorrow -- I am by no means removing myself from the house. I will not do that because if/when we D I'm getting the house)
I'm sure she will freak out about the kids and not seeing them to which I'll reply "How do you expect this D to work? You aren't going to be seeing them half the time." I will also go on to state that we will not be friends afterwards. A spouse, let alone a friend doesn't treat someone the way you have treated me. She's welcome to FaceTime them when they are with me, but she won't be allowed to have suppers, etc. with them at this time. I've effing had it with the lying, deceit, betrayal and utter lack of disrespect.
I'm tired and fed up with the situation and am prepared to move on. Finding out she's still talking to OM was just the final straw for me.
Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated!!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
The part that hurts me in DBing techniques are what she pointed out in the convo we had. She thinks by me not always initiating convo with her then it means I’m cold, shut down, mad, etc., which is apparently what I’ve done in the past. That could be her trying to find reasons to justify her position which would fit into her theme recently. But at this point, my goal is to get her to move out barring a miraculous jolt from her current wayward thinking, which I doubt will happen.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Well if you are convinced of what you are going to say then go ahead and have the confrontation. You are going to walk on thin ice there... Have you got any legal advice? Are you going to kick your W out? What happens if she says no, or if the situation gets violent... It’s ok to be angry, you have let W disrespect you a lot. But you are not going to come out in an honourable position. You are going down to a similar level...
Reinforce boundaries, let her free and tell her you are moving on with your life. Then keep STFU and go to sleep. Read TxHubby posts.
Not sure I have enough time before our convo to read everything but I’ll try. I need to enforce this boundary I think. I’m not going to kick her out or be physical. I plan to just tell her she’s no longer welcome here is she continuing the A. The reason for this limbo stage where she’s staying in the house in the guest BR was to get “time and space to figure out what she wants”. This isn’t her trying to figure things out. It’s her biding time and cake eating.
Not sure what else I can do. I do NOT want her in our house continuing contact with OM. That is a direct example that she’s clearly not wanting to R or work on the M.
IMO she’s yet to feel any type of loss or face any consequences from her actions. This will be the first.
I appreciate any insight.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
