And if she says "No". Then what? Seems it gives all the control to her.
I don’t know....nothing I guess but I won’t feel the need to be friendly to her anymore. I’ll be civil, especially in front of the kids, but I won’t be engaging in conversations with her.
What do you suggest I do? She lied to me and our ICs about this whole NC talk she had with OM 2 weeks ago. She has since broken it and I want her to know she isn’t fooling me and I’m not interested in waiting around when she’s in contact still with OM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
And if she says "No". Then what? Seems it gives all the control to her.
I don’t know....nothing I guess but I won’t feel the need to be friendly to her anymore. I’ll be civil, especially in front of the kids, but I won’t be engaging in conversations with her.
What do you suggest I do? She lied to me and our ICs about this whole NC talk she had with OM 2 weeks ago. She has since broken it and I want her to know she isn’t fooling me and I’m not interested in waiting around when she’s in contact still with OM.
The last sentence is troubling. Boundaries are about you, not about showing her anything.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
But in order to enforce my boundary, which is continued contact with OM while we live under the same roof, I kind of need to let her know that I know....
And W and I both know that I get the house if we D.
Last edited by Wanted1; 11/13/1801:59 AM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
But in order to enforce my boundary, which is continued contact with OM while we live under the same roof, I kind of need to let her know that I know....
And W and I both know that I get the house if we D.
That’s an unenforceable boundary unless you are willing to move out or divorce.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Maybe what I just need to do is say, “this isn’t working for me since you are in contact with OM. I can’t control what you do or don’t. However, if you think when we D that we will be “friends”, this pretty much negates that ever being possible. You were suppose to be NC and taking time and space to see what you wanted. That can’t happen with continued contact. I’ll be civil to you but we will not be buddy buddy. I have too much respect for myself for that.”
That a boundary I can enforce. I can also say I no longer want her here. That isn’t telling her to leave. That’s just simply telling her how I feel.
Then she can just stay here, build up her checking account and take off when she’s financially comfortable all the mean while I’m not going to engage with her whatsoever.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
A boundary is USELESS unless you are prepared to ENFORCE it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can enforce them because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt she feels for you.
I really hope you didn't do or say anything last night that you are going to regret. Do nothing for a few days take a dep breath and do nothing. You are spinning out of control and making matters worse almost like you are intentionally trying to sabotage yourself. I am going to respond to your post below and be brutally honest.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
Maybe what I just need to do is say, “this isn’t working for me since you are in contact with OM. I can’t control what you do or don’t. However, if you think when we D that we will be “friends”, this pretty much negates that ever being possible.
This is a weak threat. Sounds childish. If you don't do what I say I am not going to be friends with you.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
You were suppose to be NC and taking time and space to see what you wanted.
She has figured out what she wants. It's OM with proof by her ACTIONS.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
That can’t happen with continued contact. I’ll be civil to you but we will not be buddy buddy.
Again, another weak threat.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I have too much respect for myself for that.”
Really? Do you? You have been cheated on by her 3 times that you know of and she continues to disrespect you in your own home.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
That a boundary I can enforce. I can also say I no longer want her here. That isn’t telling her to leave. That’s just simply telling her how I feel.
First off that is not a boundary. Second PLEASE PLEASE STOP telling her how you feel. She doesn't care it is obvious by her ACTIONS.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
Then she can just stay here, build up her checking account and take off when she’s financially comfortable all the mean while I’m not going to engage with her whatsoever.
Another weak threat.
Look man I know this is not easy but it is very difficult to read your posts watching you dig your own grave. You have to let her go and work on yourself. You are young enough to have a good life and maybe just maybe with time and space and she sees a new Wanted and not someone she can walk all over she will change her mind and reconcile with you.
