[Wanted1]

Old thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2818596&page=1


Big development and needing some guidance and advice on page 10

[Wanted1]

All I can say is I agree with you that all that stuff is frustrating bull turds. Especially the “time and space to figure things out.” She has figured them out, she just doesn’t have the guts to say it because it might wound her already fragile sense of self to seem like the “bad one.” I mean, if she’s anything like my W.

So? She’s already the bad one!

But: cool it. Take some deep breaths. Sleep on it.

You don’t want your decision to be based on anger and frustration. You don’t want your actions to be vincdictive or punitive. Being aggressive is not the same as setting a boundary. And it will come across as being controlling because it’s what YOU need.

Don’t do anything you’ll regret. This is a discussion you should have when the initial emotions have died down a bit. Just my opinion based on some of the things I did terribly wrong.

I agree with what you say, but before I found out about the continued contact with OM, we agreed to talk about things in a calm manner tonight. So don’t bring up that I know about the contact tonight?

[Wanted1]

I also feel like I need to show her, with action, that I’m ready to move on. I’m not going to “make” her leave because I really can’t. But I’ll tell her I can make it real uncomfortable if she wants to stay.

[Rose888]

I also feel like I need to show her, with action, that I’m ready to move on. I’m not going to “make” her leave because I really can’t. But I’ll tell her I can make it real uncomfortable if she wants to stay.

That sounds like a really bad idea

[Wanted1]

I also feel like I need to show her, with action, that I’m ready to move on. I’m not going to “make” her leave because I really can’t. But I’ll tell her I can make it real uncomfortable if she wants to stay.

That sounds like a really bad idea

Can I ask why? I should just go along my merry way while she continues to fake like she’s struggling so hard with what to do all the while maintaining contact with OM?

Sounds like the biggest pushover, whimpy, weakling thing to do......

[burned]

Dude, you are clearly really angry and frustrated.

What you’re talking about isn’t action. It’s words. And you say “show her.” That’s not showing her anything except that you yell when you’re threatened or angry or both.

I know it FEELS like you HAVE to, but that’s emotions. Go for a walk, go for a drive. Cool off, so your rational mind can choose the best course of action.

[burned]

By the way, and again this is from experience. Because I thought the same thing. But lashing out, acting tough to get your way, making demands you might not follow through with...that’s perceived as weak and wimpy. Like a child throwing a tantrum. Be the MAN, not the bully.

[Wanted1]

I’ve had a long time to calm down. I found this contact with OM late this morning.

My “showing herl is by finally telling her that I want her to move out. If she’s not willing to take time and space away from OM to focus on our M and R and what she wants, then why should I allow her to be in this in house separation and get all of the benefits of being married? This limbo period was for her to figure out what she wants. That isn’t going to happen with the constant communication with OM. It’s disrespectful as hell to continue stringing me along like this.

She hasn’t felt any loss or consequence from her actions. If she’s living away from our house and seeing the kids as frequently as she would if/when we divorce, she might finally understand the reality of this situation.

I honestly am at a point where if she leaves and doesn’t come back, I’m going to be OK. She’s chit on me enough and I’m growing tired of that and the utter lack of respect she has for me and our M.

[Rose888]

I also feel like I need to show her, with action, that I’m ready to move on. I’m not going to “make” her leave because I really can’t. But I’ll tell her I can make it real uncomfortable if she wants to stay.

That sounds like a really bad idea

Can I ask why? I should just go along my merry way while she continues to fake like she’s struggling so hard with what to do all the while maintaining contact with OM?

Sounds like the biggest pushover, whimpy, weakling thing to do......

You can decide you are going to cohabitate but build a life without her.

You can move out.

Both of those are strong.

Making her life difficult because you can’t control her is weak.

But maybe what I am imagining is different from what you are thinking?

[Wanted1]

I also feel like I need to show her, with action, that I’m ready to move on. I’m not going to “make” her leave because I really can’t. But I’ll tell her I can make it real uncomfortable if she wants to stay.

That sounds like a really bad idea

Can I ask why? I should just go along my merry way while she continues to fake like she’s struggling so hard with what to do all the while maintaining contact with OM?

Sounds like the biggest pushover, whimpy, weakling thing to do......

You can decide you are going to cohabitate but build a life without her.

You can move out.

Both of those are strong.

Making her life difficult because you can’t control her is weak.

But maybe what I am imagining is different from what you are thinking?

I can’t move out because she can’t afford the mortgage. I can. It’s already understood I get the house. That’s why if anyone moves out is going to be her eventually so why can’t I insist on it being now?

Remember, I’ve been on her time schedule throughout this whole limbo of time and space she told me she needed......