13 years and two small children

[Hurt213]

So..

I was at her moms today with sick D. And I spilled the beans (might have been a huge [censored] up - but I couldn't control my self anymore) I told her, that WW had been being this other guy since July, and That I had known all the time, we had been visiting MIL. She was appalled, by her daughers actions. I told her not to do anything with it on my behalf. I just wanted her to know why I was not attending any more family things, and that I had given it my best to try and save our family. She knew that was true.

I just removed her from my Netflix account, my Spotify account - wrote a text, telling her that before I leave today, she will have called the bank and our phone provider and have all her personal bills removed from our joint account, furthermore her phone is part of my subscription, this will also have changed before I leave the house.

From now on, I will be going detach, gal and 180 mode. There is nothing more for me to do, so I will focus on me from now on, and my kids.

After this happens tonight I will follow your advice neffer.

I will treat her has a neighbor, and try to be calm, cool, relaxed and collected. <-- Do I act as though life is good, and I am happy around her? or that I am angry with her, and that she gets the feeling of backing off when she is around me?

[ballast]

Hurt...

Firstly, you have stood up for yourself. No matter WHAT happens with your W, you have to know you could not have continued to live with such disrespect. You have a tough sitch and took action for you.

Telling her MIL...so that's counter to the rules so to speak, BUT I can understand your impulse to do so. A man/woman can only take so much disrespect. Thing is while I know that had to feel good, it fashions you a victim and is a set back if you have hopes to save your MR. What is done is done, you can't change it, BUT I would second Neffer's admonition to you to be calm, cool and relaxed and keep the family out of it.

How do you act? It would be too fake to pretend life is roses right now, it would also be counter-productive to be hostile. You act as though you are living for YOU and your kids ONLY! You will have to fake it to make it when/if she goes out, but otherwise you are accepting of the reality of your sitch, staying polite, respectful so long as she is polite, respectful to you and you focus on what you need to do for your life. You be a realist, self confident, forward thinking gentlemen what she does is outside of your control/thoughts. Unless and until W's actions show change to you, you are living for you and your kids only.

That's my .02 which I hope helps you some. Praying for you buddy. Other vets I'm sure will chime in with great advice.

-B

[neffer]

What B says H. Add GAL GAL GAL. GAL for yourself. Get out of the house when she is in charge of the kids, meet people, keep your mind busy. And be mysterious doing that, it´s your life now. She needs to see that. You are moving forward. Her loss.

[sandi2]

Okay, good job! You already look more attractive. It doesn't mean she's going to fall into your arms right away, it just means you look more like a man b/c you are taking back your b@lls.

She was very clear the other day, that even though OM didn't necessarily work out, she wouldn't want to be with me because of the things that didn't work out in our relationship (mainly me becoming ill, not giving her the opportunities to travel and see things. She also thinks, that because she is 31 and has the kids, the house, and the job - that she is missing out on life, and that it will be great for her to get her own place, decide things for herself and live by herself) <-- Is this a WW or simply a WAW that tells me that she is done and that I should really just let go

She is not simply a WAW. I don't know what she thought married life and raising a family was going to be like, but she is in a fantasy. I don't know many 31 year old wives/mothers who get to just travel around like they are single. Apparently, she feels that she missed out on her time of being single and living on her own. I remember going through a period where I kind of regretted getting married so young and not experiencing a couple of years on my own, but I fell in love young and wanted to get married......so we did. Shortly thereafter, the kids came along. That's called married life and having a home & family. If a woman is going to be a wife and mother......then she should conduct herself in the appropriate behavior for that role. Your W is not just rejecting you.........she's rejecting and rebelling against her marriage and family's lifestyle. I don't know if she'll keep her kids or want to leave them with you most of the time so that she can run around and do whatever suits her fancy.

As I've said previously, nothing may bring her back into the MR, but if there is ever a chance......it would be b/c you finally stood up to her and she finds respect for you. She may not tell you, and she may not do any action that indicates she respects your decision......in fact, she may act as if she's angry (some WW's do), but in her heart, she KNOWS you are 100% right, and she can't help but respect you for taking a stand. Women are designed in such a way that they respect the man who stands up for himself, and who are confident. Those are admirable male traits.

She said that her psychiatrist had told her to leave me, because she would end up with a depression within the next 6 months if she didn't. And that all the things she felt about living by herself were great, and because of that, she should indeed be leaving the relationship.

Well, good, now she has her "psychiatrist" telling her she needs to leave. Personally, I think she is telling you these things to dig you, b/c she knows it hurts.

Are you certain this is a certified, board licensed, psychiatrist? Or is this some "counselor" she calling a psychiatrist? B/c the things she's claiming is coming as advice from the psychiatrist, seem questionable. It sounds more like something your WW uses to needle you. Of course, she may have some feminist counselor who is telling her to ditch her family/marriage and go out there and find whatever makes her happy.....regardless of the cost. Unfortunately, there are such dreadful people in offices who have a 8X10 document on the wall, stating they are some sort of counselor. That doesn't mean they are pro-marriage, or that they've had anymore additional training than a school guidance counselor.

There will be times where I will have to interact with her (us both being in the house for example).

I thought you made it clear that she was to get out. When you make these ^^^^^^ type of statements, it sounds as if you mentally see yourself continuing to stay in the house with her. However, if she's there, I suggest you keep interaction down to just what is necessary. You've told her to leave, so no chit-chat over the newspaper is necessary.

I will try to to GAL as much as I possible can to avoid being near her, and I really will make the best effort I humanly can to walk away for my own sake, and let her choose to reach out if she chooses to, and if not, then I am on route to bigger and better things im sure.

Hurt, this can't be a "try". You have to do it. You do it by sheer "will". Your feelings may not be in it, at first, so you "will" yourself to get out of that house. If you do nothing but walk around Walmart, or sit at the Tasty Freeze, or reading at the library......get out of that house!

Now listen, I want you to erase something from your dialog......for a while at least. I've noticed you using the phrase of "reaching out". Forget it. It's a trap when you have a WW. You don't need to reach out to her, and if it appears she's reaching out to you.......run, b/c it's a temp check. Okay? Forget this stuff about "reaching out". It's not going to happen from her heart for a long time. If you keep playing your cards right, it may shorten that time by cutting out some of her game playing......but we'll have to see. Nice guy H's are always seeking some small sign of his WW reaching out to him. She is wayward! (Look up the definition.) It's not going to happen while she's wayward and getting the best of both worlds.

But she has refused to leave the house previously, and she might again, and then I will have to see her from time to time, as I am home (can't GAL everyday), I also need to just spend time with my kids in our "safe and relaxed" environment aka home.

Key word here is "if", b/c we know yet. If she doesn't leave after you've said all of that to her.......then I would forget the "friendly neighbor" stuff. You just keep the atmosphere civil and tolerable. B/c you've told her to get out! Therefore, why should you make things all fun & comfy for her? See what I mean? I'm not saying to be a jerk, say derogatory things to her, or see how hateful you can show out.............I'm just saying to stop playing Mr. Nice Guy with her.

Of course you will need to spend time with your kids. If she's there, then once they are in bed, you can tell her you are going out and then leave the house. Didn't you say she was already taking a full week as "her free time to do whatever she wanted"? Well, if she's not staying there for a week at a time, you use that time taking care of the children. If she's there.......then leave after the kids are in bed. If she doesn't like it, she can get a baby sitter. You can take your kids and go do something with them, if she is hanging around the house. But, she doesn't get to go along with you. If you've told the woman to get out, and she won't..........then don't let her tag along and play like one big happy family who are going out together. If she asks (and many WW's do, b/c they are manipulative and feel entitled), you simply tell her "no". Am I making sense? When you told her to get out.....you meant for things to make a significant turn, and if she stubbornly stays there out of entitlement, or whatever......it doesn't mean you have to partake in things with her, or vice-versa. And, with holidays coming.....she'll try to take advantage, if she doesn't leave.

So when those situations occur, how do I engage her if she reaches out and wants to smalltalk about everyday business? how to act around her in general?

You don't "engage" her. You are putting a stop to all of that. Beginning now, you stop engaging her. You aren't trying to act like the guy who is trying to make his M work. You've dumped her. Kicked her out. Get the picture? That's not suppose to be the same picture she sees of a guy trying to make his M work. That's okay, b/c that's what you want her to believe. WW's have to believe they have lost (really lost) their H, before reality begins to hit them. So, don't engage in small talk. If there is something to discuss about the kids, then keep the discussion short and walk away. Don't try to keep the conversation going. If she "reaches out" in small talk (this a temp check from her), you show no interest whatsoever. Why? B/c you are not going to simply settle back and fall into the same old pattern again. You've told her you don't want her around.

Did you ever have a girl hang around you at school (or where ever) and you weren't attracted to her? Yeah, well, that's how you need to act toward your WW. She can't hold your interest. You don't find her attractive. You've confronted her and talked the talk.......now walk the walk. Way down the road, when she has changed, apologized, asked for forgiveness, (and a bunch of other things I'll talk about much later)......then you can be the H who lovingly engages with her. At the moment, those type actions are not going to work.

Do I show her, that I am cold, not wanting anything to do with her anymore?

Isn't that what you told her, when you confronted her?

Do I act content, happy and cheerful, and listen to her, and smile at her?

Not so much happiness and cheerful b/c she's there, but more about your life in general. Like you are happy with the man you are becoming. You are happy with your kids. You enjoy the time of year, whatever. It's not about her. You are not particularly happy with her, b/c you've told her to get out.......and she's refused (if she's still there). So, don't make your cheerfulness about her. Make sense?

This is really hard for me to figure out.

It's b/c you have read a lot of information in a short period of time. When it comes to individual's personal situations, some of the advice has to be fine tuned. Some people fail to realize that as your situation changes, it may require your actions to change as well. I'm not suggesting you act like a beast if your WW is there. I can't remember the ages of your kids, but you have to take that in consideration. If they are young and emotionally sensitive, then you don't want to do something that will traumatize them.......(like having a screaming match with your WW in front of them.) Just be civil with your spouse when they are around, for their sake. That doesn't mean you use it for an excuse to get kissy-kissy and cozy up next to her on the couch. Even if she tries it, you need to be strong enough to tell her it isn't going play that way. All that would be is temp checking or manipulation. It would not mean she had changed her feelings. It may be how nice guy H's fantasize of his WW making up with him, but in the real world it's not going to happen for the right reasons.

I really need some guidance in how to act as of now because I will have to fake it to make it for a while, I now it gets easier with time, but for now, I will most likely screw up without the correct guidance.

I'm trying to address the things you bring to the board. If you don't understand what I am saying, please tell me. I'm sure my style of writing has flaws, and I know some people misunderstand what I mean in some of the things stated.

I was at her moms today with sick D. And I spilled the beans (might have been a huge [censored] up - but I couldn't control my self anymore) I told her, that WW had been being this other guy since July, and That I had known all the time, we had been visiting MIL. She was appalled, by her daughers actions. I told her not to do anything with it on my behalf.

That's okay. It's going to make WW angry, but that's okay, too.

I just wanted her to know why I was not attending any more family things, and that I had given it my best to try and save our family. She knew that was true.

Good job. Now, you won't have to endure the painful experience of going to her family's traditional holiday stuff and playing happy family, and you can create new ones, or go to your family. Your WW wanted to keep her affair and the separation a secret from her family. She has to learn there are consequences to her actions.

I just removed her from my Netflix account, my Spotify account - wrote a text, telling her that before I leave today, she will have called the bank and our phone provider and have all her personal bills removed from our joint account, furthermore her phone is part of my subscription, this will also have changed before I leave the house.

Okay, I'll guess she'll know you are serious. She's probably going to be angry about it, so brace yourself. Just be careful, and don't trust her to do the "right thing". Many WW's have wiped out their H's bank accounts, and maxed out his credit cards. So, make sure you've protected yourself.

From now on, I will be going detach, gal and 180 mode. There is nothing more for me to do, so I will focus on me from now on, and my kids.

And that's how you get to cheerful and happy.

Wow! I am proud of you for undertaking this tough job. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Tonight, be prepared for most anything from her. Silence, tears, coldness, pouting, tantrums, whatever. All those type of behaviors are manipulative. So, if she's crying, don't go try to comfort her, b/c the tears are selfish tears. They aren't b/c she's remorseful of how she's treated you, or her affair, or leaving her kids. She may not even show up for a few days, that's okay. Just watch your bank account. I suspect she's going to be pretty angry.

((hugs))

[Hurt213]

Journal:

So yesterday I stood up for my self, and then I went to work.

She wrote me 3 messages - One being about how she didn't find it alright, that I had informed her mother - I didn't answer. Second one being about how she dont even know if there IS another man in the picture, again, I didn't answer.
Third text was about her doing groceries, and if I needed anything - I didn't answer.

Later she came home (and I have [censored] up I think), but I told her, that im not a cruel person like she has been to me (she is a teacher and has meetings wednesday, thursday and friday afternoon), so I would be picking up the kids, stay with them and having a good time, and when she gets home I will be leaving the house (I know I shouldn't be the one doing that, but I needed to clear my head, and show her, that I ment what i told her, when I said I was done with her.

So... I did.. When she came home yesterday, I packed my gym bag, packed my necessities, and kissed and hugged my kids. My 1 year old, came down from WWs lap, and ran across the living room, gave me a huge hug and waved while he said daddy. My daughter gave me a kiss and said bye bye.

I could see from the corner of my eye, that WW was smiling and found it to be real cute (I disliked her satisfaction).
I didnt speak one word with her the entire time, and I didn't say goodbye - I just took my bags, and left.

I then went to the gym, and afterwards I headed out to my sisters place where I spent the night.

Today I will pick up the kids, have fun with them, and later when she arrives home after work, I will be going again - I know I should stay and she should go, however she isn't going to I think, and I need to get a good headstart on my new behaviour towards her, so it is needed for me to get out a couple of days).

Tomorrow after work, she will b going to OM, and I told her I think she should find another place to live - I doubt she is going to, however I will be at the house again come tomorrow, and then I will show her, that I am done with her, but also show her that I am contempt, happy and moving forward through my actions. I will try to GAL as much as possible, and not stay in the house with her after the kids are asleep.

I haven't heard from her since the 3 texts yesterday, and I won't lie, it is really hard - and my mind is constantly processing a lot of stuff about her, however I know this is the best way to detach.

I do believe this is the space she needs (and me too) - And I really can't stand the disrespect of her going to see OM anymore while we live under the same roof.

[neffer]

Disrespect is seeing OM while still M. You need to be strong H, no steps back. Time and patience. Keep DB.

[Hurt213]

Disrespect is seeing OM while still M. You need to be strong H, no steps back. Time and patience. Keep DB.

As stated in the beginning of my threat, we aren't married, but have been living together for 13 years, and practically as if married - Just for your info, if you had missed it. So in fairness she is my ex, as she ended things, but we still live under the same roof, I don't know if your advice still applies.

[ballast]

and then I will show her, that I am done with her, but also show her that I am contempt, happy and moving forward through my actions.

Hurt...show YOURSELF! By the actions that you take for YOU she will get the message. A strong, focused man takes action for himself without regard to what others may think. YOU not her.

No matter married or not, you have little ones who need both of their parent's love. Prayers to you and your sitch.

-B

[Hurt213]

Update:

So today was great (well part of it)..

I had a great day at work. After work I visited my dads place and we talked for a couple of hours, mostly about sports and regular guy stuff, but also a bit about WW, I tried to keep it civil, him.. not so much. They resent WW for what she has done and is doing.

After the visit, I went to pick up my kids, and we went for a walk in the city and looked at the beautiful christmas lights. I bought a pair of shoes, that I have been wanting for a while.

WW texted and asked when we would be getting home, so she could prepare dinner for the kids. She then asked me when we came in the door, if I would be going tonight again - I just said "yes". I told her some information that I had gotten in the daycare that she needed, and else I talked with the kids. I bathed the kids, then I sat down for 30 minutes with my kids and just laughed and had a good time. The youngest was really tired so I went into his room to tug him in (WW sleeps in there and has all her possessions there). I noticed next to his bed, that there was a suitcase packed. I had a look, and yea [censored] me, I shouldn't have. It was filled with lingerie and stuff. She is going tomorrow to OM, and apparently its only to get laid, and then she planned on returning home.

I was really angry, even though im trying to play it cool.

I told her to come into the kitchen and said that I ment every word I had spilled yesterday about being so through with her. That it was so disgusting that she went out and did this is OM, who was not even into her (I SHOULD NOT HAVE TALKED ABOUT HIM, I know....) I said that our finances were being distributed and I needed her at the house saturday morning to do that (I also need to hit the gym). Other than that, I was not kidding when I informed her that she should find another place to stay, cause we didn't need her at the house. I also told her that I would not be coming to her mothers after the birthday party, and her mother knew why (She just smiled like "whatever"). Her answer to my statements were just "yes / no", and she didn't care at all.

She then said that she owned half the house, and therefore could come and go as she pleased - I didn't answer. I told her that the last nail in the coffin, was her getting on that birth control pill. Then I left and now I am at my sisters where I will be sleeping before going to the house tomorrow as she is "elsewhere until saturday".

In the car, I received a text from her saying: "listen up - not that I in any way owe you an explanation. I have NEVER asked you for an vasectomy, other than in good fun (<-- lie). Because nobody knew what the future would bring. We often talked about this. The fact that I started on these pills on advice from my doctors, while I am still medicated because of acne, so that it doesn't resurface after, is completely my own private business. You don't have to answer. You are going to interpret the things your own way anyways".


So yea, great day - really bad 2 hours at the house - I lost my cool unfortunately, however I did not bend on my arguments regarding that I am completely done with her and what else I told her yesterday.

[Hurt213]

New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2822339#Post2822339