A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[RR17]

My understanding is that the catch-all phrase "autism spectrum disorder" is the now preferred term for Asbergers, but I am no expert.

[AnotherStander]

RR17, you come off as extremely hard-headed and unwilling to listen to advice. Even here, you insist on being "right" and explaining to everyone else why you are. Even when you are not. That's no big deal here where none of us know you and can simply quit posting on your thread if we get tired of the attitude. But if you're really interested in saving your M then you need to wake up and own the fact that you are righteous, holier-than-thou, and combative. The sooner you work on this the better your chances of salvaging your M.

[RR17]

Wow!

Where am I wrong, where I didn't admit it?

Since I'm providing the info, is it possible that perhaps I didn't present an accurate picture? Should I accept judgment based on what I believe to be a misunderstanding due to my part?

[RR17]

I will try to use more emojis. There was no combative malice intended.

[Rose888]

My understanding is that the catch-all phrase "autism spectrum disorder" is the now preferred term for Asbergers, but I am no expert.

I'm not disagreeing with you about terms. I switched to using ASD when I saw that you were familiar with the term, as I agree it is now the preferred term.

I am saying, I did not say you were on the autism spectrum and I did not say you had Asperger's.

I said you seem to prefer a very rigid style of communication that is stereotypically associated with Asperger's (aka autism spectrum disorder).

Your mention of negotiation gave me another way to express my thought without introducing confusion about diagnosis.

When you share these exchanges and talk about communication, I get the impression that you think personal communication should be as precise and unambiguous as a legal contract.

I don't know if it's true, but that's how it appears to me.

It seems rigid, and cold, and exhausting, and not anything that would make me want to communicate hard things. And since your wife apparently has a longstanding difficulty expressing hard things, she is, I imagine, going to find it even harder to want to share when faced with such a rigid partner.

No diagnosis, just a suggestion that you adjust your definition of honest communication to include things that are implied but not stated baldly, and that you don't back your wife into a corner verbally unless getting the complete truth is worth the damage.

[Grace21]

[quote=RR17] I said you seem to prefer a very rigid style of communication that is stereotypically associated with Asperger's (aka autism spectrum disorder.

Your mention of negotiation gave me another way to express my thought without introducing confusion about diagnosis.

When you share these exchanges and talk about communication, I get the impression that you think personal communication should be as precise and unambiguous as a legal contract.

I don't know if it's true, but that's how it appears to me.

I have to admit, I read your first comment about Asperger's as a comment about whether or not the OP HAD Asperger's. Perhaps just a description, such as you have here, would have sufficed. My son has Asperger's. "Autism Spectrum" is not an accurate substitution in my opinion. He is opinionated, but not so rigid. And, there is nothing sterotypical of an Aspie. Some people would never know my kid has it. Some have very profound disabilities with it. I would just caution using a diagnosis term to describe a behavior.

Sorry to hijack the original intent of the post.

[Rose888]

[quote=RR17] I said you seem to prefer a very rigid style of communication that is stereotypically associated with Asperger's (aka autism spectrum disorder.

Your mention of negotiation gave me another way to express my thought without introducing confusion about diagnosis.

When you share these exchanges and talk about communication, I get the impression that you think personal communication should be as precise and unambiguous as a legal contract.

I don't know if it's true, but that's how it appears to me.

I have to admit, I read your first comment about Asperger's as a comment about whether or not the OP HAD Asperger's. Perhaps just a description, such as you have here, would have sufficed. My son has Asperger's. "Autism Spectrum" is not an accurate substitution in my opinion. He is opinionated, but not so rigid. And, there is nothing sterotypical of an Aspie. Some people would never know my kid has it. Some have very profound disabilities with it. I would just caution using a diagnosis term to describe a behavior.

Sorry to hijack the original intent of the post.

You're right, Grace, my words were poorly chosen, and I apologize for any offense.

[RR17]

Grace you took the words right out of my mouth. No apology needed.

Rose, I see you edited your initial post, tempering it a bit. I assume for clarification.

I don't know why you would reference a serious disorder like this. I'm going to default to the idea that it was in an effort to be helpful. Thank you.

Calling my style a "very rigid style of communication" and "It seems rigid, and cold, and exhausting," seems exaggerated and very judgmental.
Especially since we have never spoken.

I may be succinct in my descriptions and recommendations, but that is intentional. It is an effort to avoid any confusions. (apparently, I sometimes still get misinterpreted). But written communication like this forum makes it difficult to express emotional nuances. Emojis help. Still, the reader naturally adds there own cognitive bias and things can come across the wrong way. A description of an event may be summarized and lose its cadence and clarity.
It is best to question what may seem to be a harsh claim before rushing to judgment.

Especially since the basis of this forum is to help each other.

[Rose888]

I edited my post within seconds of sending it. You quoted it in your reply, so you can see that the post as it now stands is the same text you responded to.

And I did question. I said (paraphrasing) that it seems you feel when your wife uses words like "maybe" and " we'll see" that that is not honest communication.

And then I asked if I was understanding your position correctly. I put it on its own line, so it would stand out and be easy to see.

You never responded to it.

In the interest of time in this asynchronous communication method, I then shared my impressions based on the thing I asked about being true, but, I used words like "if" and "might" to acknowledge that my perception might not fit your reality.

And I'm not rushing to judgement. My impressions (which I have always acknowledged might be wrong) are based on over a year of reading your posts.

Referring to Asperger's was a horrible mistake, and I am sincerely sorry and won't do it again.

But I stand by my replacement description that you find exaggerated. That accurately reflects my view, based on reading your posts describing your communication.

If you answer my question from the original post, that might give me new information that changes my view, but I sense this particular exchange is probably winding down.

[RR17]

Sorry for the misunderstand. Your questions seemed rhetorical as you jumped immediately to judgment. I have reread them and it doesn't appear you were seeking understanding as much as trying to prove a point. Could be my bias.

I am telling you now. I don't believe that my communication is "rigid, and cold, and exhausting". I don't believe that I am on the "spectrum". When I first read your response it appeared to me that you were suggesting I get tested. I asked and you said "yes". Only now do I see where your answer may have applied to my rhetorical question of did you reach the conclusion based on my stories. (of course you did how else would you?) You see, clear succinct communications has its advantages.

When you share these exchanges and talk about communication, I get the impression that you think personal communication should be as precise and unambiguous as a legal contract.

I think this is an exaggeration. If I don't understand the meaning behind her "Maybe" or "We'll see" etc. Changing my attitude or reading about communication styles isn't going to help me better understand.
BTW, When I used the above example, it was a way that she communicates to my Ds. Yes, I understand the social hedging you described. I also understand it's overuse and when it becomes a problem.
When communicating with me I don't accept these answers on questions of importance. I ask again and try to find out if she really hasn't formed an opinion or if the answer is negative. I try to do it in a kind and understanding manner.

If you answer my question from the original post, that might give me new information that changes my view, but I sense this particular exchange is probably winding down.

Here is an example. Do you want me to really answer this question? I don't think so because it isn't even worded as a question. It seems rhetorical to me. Then you step away be saying that the subject is winding down. Correct?
What do I do with this?

I really do not believe that I am this rigid miserable monster that you describe. I try to express myself here as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstanding. I realize emotions are elevated and nerves are raw. This includes my nerves on occasion. This non-conversational, succinct style is my attempt to avoid miscommunication. It is not how I speak to my W or kids.