Stereotypical LBS

[RyanHun]

Its strange how the universe works. Everything seemed to be going wrong for the last year and a half. In the last month and a half since BD I have GAL, made a lot of new friends, got a whole bunch of my confidence back, and this afternoon our CFO approached me and offered me a new role. Significant pay increase and an amazing position. I really feel like a million bucks right now.

[TJT]

Congratulations Ryan.

I relate to how you're feeling in terms of having the good moments and the feelings of sadness mixed in and how the shifts in the sadness are occurring. I wonder long-term what the sadness will ultimately "settle" as (or if it will always keep evolving) and I think that's where I trip myself up and make things worse ... that I am not only thinking about the current state, but how this is going to feel later and being scared that I'll never feel "normal" again.

For me, even if it's improving, I still long for how things "were" and who I "was" in my marriage. Everyone says you will never be the same but that "different" does not equal worse, as hard is that is to believe sometimes. I heard a saying along the lines of: who are we to say or judge that our future doesn't hold something better for us?

But I am not a creature of chance or fate, so I hate that . We are creatures of control and habit, for sure!

[RyanHun]

TJT,
I started a new book this weekend, “The subtle art of not giving a F@$K”. It is worth a read and may help you with some of your wondering. It really puts into persepective what happiness is and how to achieve it. Long story short, do you really want to go back to how things were? All of the emotions we are feeling as the LBS, all of the pain and suffering, it is all a necasary part of the human body and mind to alert us to danger. Similar to physical pain it is signalling us that something is drastically wrong and we need to learn from this in order to protect ourselves. Think touching a hot stove. The physical pain teaches us not to do that again. In much the same way the emotional pain we are all going through is teaching us to change so we don’t get hurt again. Until very recently I had the same mindset as you, “once we were so happy”, “we were the couple everyone looked to for how the perfect marriage worked”. In all honestly I was lying to myself daily and should have drastically changed or pulled th plug long ago. I am learning at an alarming pace that I want nothing to do with my previous marriage. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with WAW any more, that is still all I truly want. But I want a divorce from our previous relationship. The question I face now is, is W really capable of ever giving me the type of relationship I want assuming she decides o give it a shot don the road. If having things “How they were” really was so great none of us would be on this forum.

[crofton]

TJT,
I started a new book this weekend, “The subtle art of not giving a F@$K”. It is worth a read and may help you with some of your wondering. It really puts into persepective what happiness is and how to achieve it. Long story short, do you really want to go back to how things were? All of the emotions we are feeling as the LBS, all of the pain and suffering, it is all a necasary part of the human body and mind to alert us to danger. Similar to physical pain it is signalling us that something is drastically wrong and we need to learn from this in order to protect ourselves. Think touching a hot stove. The physical pain teaches us not to do that again. In much the same way the emotional pain we are all going through is teaching us to change so we don’t get hurt again. Until very recently I had the same mindset as you, “once we were so happy”, “we were the couple everyone looked to for how the perfect marriage worked”. In all honestly I was lying to myself daily and should have drastically changed or pulled th plug long ago. I am learning at an alarming pace that I want nothing to do with my previous marriage. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with WAW any more, that is still all I truly want. But I want a divorce from our previous relationship. The question I face now is, is W really capable of ever giving me the type of relationship I want assuming she decides o give it a shot don the road. If having things “How they were” really was so great none of us would be on this forum.

I have this book but yet to read it. This is the right attitude and one I now have myself. I don't want to D but know it will happen as there is not a chance my W will ever change and I wouldn't want to R unless she changed, so I am purely just trying to move on now.

[RyanHun]

Crofton,
I would highly recommend making reading this book a high priority. I am only half way through so far but it is helping me a great deal. It is not your typical self help book but I think that is what makes it so great. It is just that hard truth about life and pain and suffering.

[Ready2Change]

Well I ended up meeting a pretty cool women for coffee and dessert.....And our main point of conversation?? Each of our D situations and how we’ve handled....

This is perfect if you are divorced. If not, these "meetings" are dangerous to your real goal.

I believe the LBS that has the desire to bust the affair and bust the divorce should not date. If anyone here hasn't read "Not just friends" by Shirley glass, I highly recommend it.

You should have a few close friends of the same sex to discuss these issues with. Hopefully someone older and wise is part of your support group.

[RyanHun]

Things took a turn for the worse for me this morning. Got an email from FIL that was supposed to go to W but obviously he got the email address mixed up. I won't go into details but it has turned me upside down today and basically eliminated any hope of anything other then divorce.

[Twofeet]

RyanHun,

Go workout, go for a run, go do something to ease your mind off it. Also, if it is intel all the vets say keep it to yourself, don't share how you know what you know.
Stay strong.

[Ready2Change]

RyanHun,

Go workout, go for a run, go do something to ease your mind off it. Also, if it is intel all the vets say keep it to yourself, don't share how you know what you know.
Stay strong.

Never reveal "what you know" or "how you know". Just that you "do know the truth".

This is how you respond to any info that goes against your intel:

"We both know that is a lie. Please tell me the truth"

[RyanHun]

I would love to be able to put this aside and keep it to myself but it may have legal implications that I need to reach out to a lawyer about. The items that were discussed are none of their business and were obtained without my consent. There is talk that involves my credit and financial details in the email.