Would appear the games have really begun now. Seems the more healthy boundaries I set and the more I try to organize things in a civil manner the more bizarre W's actions become. After the talk we had on Saturday night about splitting time with the kids and getting a set schedule in place W no showed with the kids last night. W was with all three at D9's dance class after school, dance ends at 5:30 and they get home at 5:45. As per W's request we were all set to take the kids to the mall last night so they could put a Christmas list together that we could divide up for all of the relatives and hopefully avoid the massive duplication of gifts. 6:45 rolls around and there is no sign of W and the kids so I call, no answer. 7:00 W calls, says she went to check on her parents place and was hanging out for a bit, "sounds good I will see you back at home for kids bedtime" was my response. I went out and did some solo GAL, dinner and a drink by myself and then went for a brief walk on the beach. I came home at 8:05 expecting the kids to be getting ready for bed only to find an empty house. 8:15 my phone rings and it is W with the kids calling to say goodnight. I had a good conversation with all three kids about their days and said goodnight, went to the gym and got myself organized for the morning and then read for an hour.
Before bed I called W and asked what was going on and why she had chosen to take the kids to which she didn't have much of an answer other then I told her that she should stay at her parents. I validated her and agreed that I had in fact suggested that but once again stressed that she cannot just take the kids and not communicate her plans. I stressed that a set schedule regarding time with the kids that we both mutually agree on needs to be drawn up. W was very flustered so I just ended the conversation and left it at that.
When I went up to get ready for bed I noticed that all of W's toiletries were not in the bathroom, it is only my assumption but it would appear that she packed up some stuff and went to her parents place with the clear intention of not coming home. I suspect that the "we were just checking on the place and decided to stay" was an outright lie. Not that it really matters because either way she just took the kids and left with zero communication but I just don't get the need to lie about it.
Good news, W appears to have received the message and has sent a proposed child sharing schedule that looks good and i will accept.
Bad news, receiving the child sharing schedule has triggered all the horrible feelings inside of me about the reality of the situation. Going to head out from work for a quick walk to try and gather my self.
For those of you with kids involved what does the child sharing schedule look like? W submitted what she thought is a good plan and I responded thanking her for putting something together and that I will review and let her know my thoughts.
My thoughts: First her proposed schedule has a ton of back and forth, three days on three days off with alternating Wednesdays. This to me is way to much back and forth and offers no stability what so ever for the kids. My repsonse back is going to be that I think a one week on one week off schedule would be best for the kids.
Second the proposed schedule has me doing Fridays and Saturdays, doesn't exactly give me any time to socialize on the weekends.
Third the proposed schedule is 100% tailored around her work schedule. It is not my job to accommodate her work schedule on a daily basis. That is something she needs to address with her work if it doesn't work or make other arrangements. if she can't make adjustments at work or with a sitter i.e. the in laws I will happily pick up extra shifts with the kids when she is stuck but am not going to arrange my week around what suits her best.
For what it's worth, I have that exact schedule. I have my kids Thurs-Sat nights and every other Wednesday. The things I like are:
1) I can plan GAL things for the same night every week without worry of whether the kids are with me. So I can do a game night every Monday. Or do trivia every Tuesday. Or whatever.
2) For kids living that close, a week is a long time to be apart. My kids often complain that they "miss mommy" even after only a couple of days. It isnt debilitating or anything, but I think it's good to not have such a long break.
3) While having them every Friday and Saturday night is a bit annoying for my social life, it was much more fun to have the kids. I get all of the ":non-school" nights to be out late or do special things with them. It also winds up with me spending more "awake" time with them than their mom because I get both weekend mornings.
4) It will also give you more contact with them for school and school-related topics. I think switching back and forth more frequently is better suited to keep both parents more "in the loop" for things going on at school or in their lives.
Of course....your social life on weekends [censored]. It's much harder to go out Friday/Saturday night....because even if you do, for a while it will feel like you are "wasting" your time to spend with the kids. You also dont get any "sleep-in"s.
Thanks for the input guys, there are certainly benefits to both situations. Currently her proposed schedule is me Fri, Sat, Tues, every second Wednesday. That is no doubt too much jumping around. Thursday to Sat with alternating Fridays I could live with. That jumping around for one night Tuesdays and Thursdays should be changed.
Bad news, receiving the child sharing schedule has triggered all the horrible feelings inside of me about the reality of the situation.
That's the worst feeling. I can't offer any advice that you haven't given me already. You know, GAL and whatnot. But you're not alone there. We'll both have to toughen up a bit so that we don't spin every time W asks us to sign a form or answer a D-related question.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
We'll both have to toughen up a bit so that we don't spin every time W asks us to sign a form or answer a D-related question.
This is one are I really need to work on. On the all the days where not much happens I do awesome at detaching and being emotionally grounded and my best self. The days something official comes my way from W i tend to fall apart although I am getting much better, not totally coming apart and recovering a lot quicker then I was before. Most of that I attribute to having all of you guys on here to bounce ideas off.
I am on a 2-2-3 schedule. With young kids seeing both parents as frequently as possible is in their best interest. Since your group average age is higher than mine you might look into a 4-3-3-4 schedule or alternating week schedule.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/20/1810:02 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Thanks for all the input. I do think your points about less time away from one parent are great and a 3-4 alternating pattern would be best as long as it is consecutive days for stability.
