Im worried my W may have some other issues. Shes probably apologized to me 2 times in 20 years, and those were half hearted. I dont see how she could ever come out of a MLC with an A, and show full repentence, admit everything, and seek forgiveness(even over a long peruod of time).
Stubborn pride is a terrible thing in a relationship. From the stories I've read over the years, many women try to pick up where the MR left off when they became involved in an A. They just want to slither in under the back door and not have to apologize or own their horrible behavior. They go back in, still blaming the LBS and still have the bad attitude, coldness, etc. This is where the LBS should push the brakes and say, "Hold up, b/c it's not that simple anymore". The LBS should have certain stipulations before the wayward spouse can resume their place in the MR. IMHO, this would be easier to acquire, if the couple are not living under the same roof at the time. It's much harder if they are already living together.
I hope you guys will pay close attention, please. I've seen those who just wanted the wayward spouse back, regardless if there was an apology, a talk, transparency plan, MC......or anything. They never required anything from their wayward spouse. Well, guess what? They were treated like garbage! If you don't set certain requirements for a reconciliation, and she's already living under the same roof with you..........then you probably will never get it at a later time. You cannot make this too easy for a wayward. They need to work to get back what they had. Speaking as a former WW, I can tell you men that she's not going to respect you whatsoever if you don't require that she take responsibility for her affair, apologize, answer any questions you may have about the affair, and anything else that you need in order to feel safe with her. If you don't require anything from her, you will be living in an unhappy MR from then on.
I've seen cases where the WW would try to slip back in without apologizing or anything, and the LBH should have told her that he would not agree to reconcile until she could show him she was serious about doing whatever it took to save their M. In some instances, she needed IC before resuming the MR......b/c her head may still be messed up, and b/c she has messed up her life and the lives of her family. Some couples need professional MC to get back to a healthy enough place to reconcile.
I'm just saying not to be too quick to take the wayward spouse back......just to have them back again. That is not what saves the M. The work is not automatically over when they come back. In fact, it's just starting, especially for the wayward.
BTW, thanks for all the replies to the thread.
Thank you for all the time and candidness you have invested here Sandi.
Oddly enough, Im coming to the point where I realize it would be her job to earn me back if it ever came to that point. I wasnt a bad husband to begin with, and I initially addressed every issue she had with me before I knew she was in a MLC. The MLC explains why none of those changes made her happy, because she doesnt want me to make her happy.
My wife definitely is prideful, selfish(she admits it), and blames me for leaving the door open for her A. This is all so surreal.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I want to point out that stubborn pride goes the other way too. Sometimes the LBS's stubborn pride is that they can "win" the WAS back to the MR. I think that is why so many fail at DBing, because their pride tells them they just have to be the best they can be to get their spouse back. No matter how many times they are told that pursuit and pressure do not work. "If I can just convince him/her!" "If I could just get them away from XYZ person (could be OP, or a BFF, or a famiy member)." "If I can just get him/her to understand how sorry I am!"
None of that works after BD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I want to point out that stubborn pride goes the other way too. Sometimes the LBS's stubborn pride is that they can "win" the WAS back to the MR. I think that is why so many fail at DBing, because their pride tells them they just have to be the best they can be to get their spouse back. No matter how many times they are told that pursuit and pressure do not work. "If I can just convince him/her!" "If I could just get them away from XYZ person (could be OP, or a BFF, or a famiy member)." "If I can just get him/her to understand how sorry I am!"
None of that works after BD.
Is BD specifically referring to D talk, or is it finding out about A too?
Ive never felt like I could win my W back. Unfortunately I always felt like I was running a race that was rigged against, a no win situation of you will. Unfortunately i disnt know about pursuit and distance until I found these forums recently.
When this all first started (for me, not sure when it started for W) I didnt know how to react. I was angry and hurt that she was treating me bad, and dissapearing for long periods of time into the earlt morning. My first thoughts were that she was lying and I was sure she was cheating. No need to come home at 4 am otherwise imo. So i guess i distanced myself initially, but it was all aimlessly done. It didnt help thays for sure, it only seemed to push her closer to OM. I think in most cases the A would run its course, but I think these two are in it for the long haul or so it seems. She has definitely told him what she was missing in her life and like any vulture he seized on that info and swept her off her feet.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I want to point out that stubborn pride goes the other way too. Sometimes the LBS's stubborn pride is that they can "win" the WAS back to the MR. I think that is why so many fail at DBing, because their pride tells them they just have to be the best they can be to get their spouse back. No matter how many times they are told that pursuit and pressure do not work. "If I can just convince him/her!" "If I could just get them away from XYZ person (could be OP, or a BFF, or a famiy member)." "If I can just get him/her to understand how sorry I am!"
None of that works after BD.
Is BD specifically referring to D talk, or is it finding out about A too?
Ive never felt like I could win my W back. Unfortunately I always felt like I was running a race that was rigged against, a no win situation of you will. Unfortunately i disnt know about pursuit and distance until I found these forums recently.
When this all first started (for me, not sure when it started for W) I didnt know how to react. I was angry and hurt that she was treating me bad, and dissapearing for long periods of time into the earlt morning. My first thoughts were that she was lying and I was sure she was cheating. No need to come home at 4 am otherwise imo. So i guess i distanced myself initially, but it was all aimlessly done. It didnt help thays for sure, it only seemed to push her closer to OM. I think in most cases the A would run its course, but I think these two are in it for the long haul or so it seems. She has definitely told him what she was missing in her life and like any vulture he seized on that info and swept her off her feet.
BD is typically the day they drop the D bomb on you. However, finding out about the A could also be BD, or another one.
Their relationship has a very small chance of succeeding. So many reasons for that.If they cheat with you they'll cheat on you....... That which is conceived in deceit will eventually die from deceit.... Things planted in bad soil won't grow....... But maybe theirs will be the rare one that actually works. I've known of a few.
What you really have to decide is whether or not you want to sit around and wait for her, or move on with your life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What you really have to decide is whether or not you want to sit around and wait for her, or move on with your life.
I know that I have decided that I'm moving on with my life. I'm not necessarily closing the door to her completely, but I'm NOT sitting around and waiting for her. I've dropped the rope and I'm ready to live my own life. If she decides at some point that she wants to do the hard work to build a new relationship together, I will consider it, but I am not going to put my life on hold hoping that her A will end and she will come back to me.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
My wife definitely is prideful, selfish(she admits it), and blames me for leaving the door open for her A. This is all so surreal.
I wanted to blame my H for me having an A, too. He was not blameless the downfall of our MR, but there was one person responsible for my A...….her name is Sandi.
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Thank you for all the time and candidness you have invested here Sandi.
Well thank you for the kind words.
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Oddly enough, Im coming to the point where I realize it would be her job to earn me back if it ever came to that point. I wasnt a bad husband to begin with, and I initially addressed every issue she had with me before I knew she was in a MLC. The MLC explains why none of those changes made her happy, because she doesnt want me to make her happy.
Good point, and that's an example of another reason I decided to write about wayward W's and the differences in them from WAW's. With many WAW's, the H can fix the issues his W had with him, and she's willing to work with him to save the M. However, he could fix every issue the wayward had, and it would not phase her. For years, I would read how these poor LBH's would work so hard at correcting every complaint the WW had, only to see her tell him it did not change her feelings. It usually takes the H completely letting go and moving on, before the WW becomes interested. By then, many H's are over it, and don't want to subject themselves to taking a that chance again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi for your advice on this forum. My W also has major issues with stubborn pride and ego and never apologises to me, so I will try to be aware of what you say if the opportunity should ever arise.
Hi Sandi. Thank you so much for your lengthy and very informative perspective on a very tough situation.
Is there any chance, that you might be able to look at my stitch and give your perspective on the matter? I have already been given some very helpful advice, but I am still struggling to find out wether I am dealing with a WAW or a WW. Furthermore I do not know, wether to take the "aggressive path" where I set my foot down and do not pay attention to her needs and basically disconnect myself from her by not letting her know anything about me and my life (hard when we live together), throw her out of the bedroom (we take turns to sleep in another room), move on without being nice and all that..
Ori f it is a WAW where I treat her with respect, love and try to show her, that I am indeed capable of changing, and already did, when I "woke up" the day she left me... I guess you can't call it being in an affair anymore when she left me, however she is doing it openly (Going to OMs place several times a week, sleeping over, or just going for a couple of hours and then returning home), while we are still trying to sell the house and living under the same roof. She is pushing for the house to sell, and she has mentioned that she just want a year to pass some way magical, so this is all in the past and she has moved on with her life... This is stressing her because of the kids and all, but thats basically it...
Im so confused as to how to navigate in this, even though I have read a lot of information that is provided from these forums / the site.
Thank you so much in advance, and thanks for all the great info you have written here.
H
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
