13 years and two small children

[ballast]

Hurt...that was hard to read. It reeks of waywardness. Personally I would ONLY speak with her about the kids. If she says OM, "I'm not sure I'd want you back", etc...I would be GONE, ain't having/listening to that crap! Take back your self-respect, she's free and clear to have her own thoughts, but don't sit around and validate that nonsense.

Keep doing you and for your kids. When someone like Neffer is telling you that you're hearing BS and to "get an umbrella", heed his words!

And don't let her cook for you. Best advice I ever got on here was to go in a straight line in the opposite direction from my W. Right now you are allowing yourself to get tangled up in your W's wayward web.

-B

[Hurt213]

I just ordered "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy" through a friend of mine, so that WW does not catch on.

What exactly is the difference between the two? and should I just had ordered the one (Divorce Remedy) seems to be a newer version? Just wondering if I am buying two nearly identical books?

[crofton]

They are separate books, I have just finished "Divorce Busting" and about to start the other one now.

[AnotherStander]

Hurt, it's unbelievable the way she flaunts her R with OM in front of you, definite waywardness and rebellion being expressed there as Ballast said. I think just in general you are talking too much to her. I would suggest keeping convos very businesslike and brief. She's trying to keep you on as Plan B and so far you are taking the bait. Time to put an end to that.

I just ordered "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy" through a friend of mine, so that WW does not catch on.

What exactly is the difference between the two? and should I just had ordered the one (Divorce Remedy) seems to be a newer version? Just wondering if I am buying two nearly identical books?

DB came first, DR is basically a slight re-writing of DB. Michele wrote that she felt that some people were misunderstanding some of what she wrote in DB, particularly in regards to how long it takes to turn things around (some people were getting the impression it can be done quickly). So she wrote DR as a revised version of DB to clarify some of those things.

[Hurt213]

Thanks for the information guys.

I will try to keep my conversations with WW at a minimum. She informed me today, that she will be heading out (that is how she express that she goes to OM) this friday - we have split the weeks into 7/7, so this is her week to do what she wants, and I am basically having the kids, even though we live together. So she is free to do so, however it is so freaking disrespectful, and I don't know how to do anything other than ignore it, as I basically can't do anything.

I am also really frustrated by something that might seem harmless.. She was, for a long time, against birth control pills, after we had our daughter, as there were many side effects, and she basically told me that I should get an vasectomy (I believe it is called), because we were sure we werent having more kids. I was thinking long and hard, but decided not to (luckily), and we then used traditional birth control (read the old good rubber dubbers), as there was no way she would return to pills. Today, I went to get a folder in our office space, and in her open work case, there was a box of birth control pills. Apparently she began taking them again yesterday (im guessing so she can satisfy the OM). I know, this is none of my business, and I should detach like hell, but holy fk.. that set me back, because she seems to be a completely different person / beast as of now.

She even tried to engage in small talk with me from the minute I walked in after work, and for the next hour, she was talking about her day, what people did and say, and how and what she had been doing - I just said "mmhm".

I am really trying to follow the advice for LBS with a WW from sandi2, where you are to completely show WW that you are done with their ugly behaviour, and that you don't care what they do, but you do you. But im struggling as you can see.

I wanted to confront her so badly with the information that she had reengaged in the OM affair for the third time now. (if you can call it an affair after her and I ended our business), and I wanted to confront her about being on birth control after our many conversations regarding them. I did neither because I was instructed to always come here for advice before I do such thing.

She told me that she had been together with her girlfriends in the weekend, and had told them, how she had ended things with me, and was now going to be a single mother. Her girlfriends had been appalled by her doing, and urged her to think about things according to WW. To me it seemed like, she didn't really pay attention to what they said, instead she seemed to be enjoying that they had their full attention on her, and that she was somehow special. It is sickening.

Tonight she is out with other friends, and she said she was going to tell them as well, that she had ended our family life. It is like she is getting a kick out of this, more than facing the reality of what she is actually doing.

Sorry for the rant, but needed to vent...

[DejaVu6]

Sorry Hurt. I was thinking how tough it is to have my H moved out but I think your situation is worse. I wish there was a quick remedy to all of this pain but there isn't. Try to set your boundaries. Be pleasant but not too friendly. Start working on self-improvement... read, journal, post, go for walks/runs...whatever you need to do. And then get the heck out of dodge when it is her week home. If you hang around when she is there, she will definitely be cake eating because she will get her week off AND have her H at home to help her with everything. It [censored] for the kids but this won't go on forever. You need to do what you need to do to keep yourself reasonably sane. Hang in there. Her world is not going to be this rosy for long. You are doing things the right way and she is not. That will catch up with her sooner or later. You will be better off in the long run whether it is with her or with someone else. (((HUGS)))

[sandi2]

I would be very careful what you share with your WW. I would not tell her anything your therapist says, unless you are instructed to say it.

Look Hurt, this living arrangement is very unhealthy for you, especially considering your history with depression. When she lives under your roof and is going off to sleep with OM for a week at a time, it's like shoving your teeth down your throat. How will she gain any respect for you, as long as she sees you sitting back and enduring this onslaught of disrespect from her? It's not going to happen. Not from a wayward W.

I wanted to confront her so badly with the information that she had reengaged in the OM affair for the third time now. (if you can call it an affair after her and I ended our business), and I wanted to confront her about being on birth control after our many conversations regarding them. I did neither because I was instructed to always come here for advice before I do such thing.

It's not enough to just confront her! She would lie her way out of it, and make you doubt your own sanity. WW's do it all the time. It's called gaslighting. You have to do more than just confront her. You need to dump her and tell her you are through with her, instead of trying to say things to convince her to stay in the MR. You need a plan. IMHO, you should tell her to pack her things and get out. Tell her to go stay with her girlfriends, OM, or whoever....... cause you don't want her. That's how you have to say it. You don't want her. This is the only type of action that will win her respect. If you'll stick to your guns and not go weak and try to talk her into trying to work on the M, this will work better than anything else you could do. It will probably take a physical separation and some time for her to see that you aren't going to chase her, but nothing you could do would be more attractive than for you to walk away from her.......(except kick her out).

She told me that she had been together with her girlfriends in the weekend, and had told them, how she had ended things with me, and was now going to be a single mother. Her girlfriends had been appalled by her doing, and urged her to think about things according to WW. To me it seemed like, she didn't really pay attention to what they said, instead she seemed to be enjoying that they had their full attention on her, and that she was somehow special. It is sickening.

That's b/c what they tell her makes no difference. It's what YOU tell her that counts.

[Hurt213]

Hi you guys,

So I finally took by b@lls back this morning.

I informed her, that the way she had been treating me for the past 3 months, and the way she continued to, was beyond any level of respect, you could give to another human being. I was seen as less than dog [censored], and this was the end of it. I could never had done to her, what she did to me, and i've had it with her.

I told her that 4 months ago she wanted me to do a vasectomy, because we werent having any more kids, and now she were on pills, even though that was such an issue - That her behaviour, lying and manipulation was repulsive and disgusting and that I wanted her to find another living space, because I didn't want anything to do with her.

She was trying to excuse herself, but I bit her off with "I don't want to hear it, goodbye".

She didn't say anything more to me, but attended to the kids needs, and then left.

Now comes the part where I don't try to talk or engage in ANY activity with her, it will be hard but it is the only way to keep my self sane at this point in time.

[Hurt213]

Sandi,

I have a question regarding interactions with my ex, after having followed your advice (told her that I am done with her, that she treated me like garbage, and that I want nothing to do with her - and told her to find another place to stay).

She was very clear the other day, that even though OM didn't necessarily work out, she wouldn't want to be with me because of the things that didn't work out in our relationship (mainly me becoming ill, not giving her the opportunities to travel and see things. She also thinks, that because she is 31 and has the kids, the house, and the job - that she is missing out on life, and that it will be great for her to get her own place, decide things for herself and live by herself) <-- Is this a WW or simply a WAW that tells me that she is done and that I should really just let go (I am going to now anyways, but im curious to the things she told me) She said that her psychiatrist had told her to leave me, because she would end up with a depression within the next 6 months if she didn't. And that all the things she felt about living by herself were great, and because of that, she should indeed be leaving the relationship.

There will be times where I will have to interact with her (us both being in the house for example). I will try to to GAL as much as I possible can to avoid being near her, and I really will make the best effort I humanly can to walk away for my own sake, and let her choose to reach out if she chooses to, and if not, then I am on route to bigger and better things im sure.

But she has refused to leave the house previously, and she might again, and then I will have to see her from time to time, as I am home (can't GAL everyday), I also need to just spend time with my kids in our "safe and relaxed" environment aka home.

So when those situations occur, how do I engage her if she reaches out and wants to smalltalk about everyday business? how to act around her in general?

Do I show her, that I am cold, not wanting anything to do with her anymore?

Do I act content, happy and cheerful but without the need to look at her or talk to her?

Do I act content, happy and cheerful, and listen to her, and smile at her?

This is really hard for me to figure out.

I understand that the only way forward for us, is to go our separate ways for now, and I will be pushing for ending this inhouse seperation, because it is really unhealthy and it is fundamental for her cake-eating.


I really need some guidance in how to act as of now because I will have to fake it to make it for a while, I now it gets easier with time, but for now, I will most likely screw up without the correct guidance.

Thank you so much.

[neffer]

Now comes the time to replace words with action. Keep detaching, fake it till you get it. You both talk only about the kids, GAL when she is charge of them. There you treat her as a friendly neighbour.

You need to be strong H. And cool, calm and collected.