I'm still way WAYWARD in my reluctance to talk about it. for a big part of me it's like breaking down my last high school football game 30 years later. yeah I know I need to improve, make better decisions but I d**n sure don't feel like I'll be "playing" again.
Originally Posted by ballast
I just thankfully and most respectfully don't want to try again.
Originally Posted by ballast
but the conflict I have in me over ever trying again is much greater than whatever happens with me and W
sorry folks I'm actually checking and cancelling out my own foolishness. I'll be d88mned if I'm gonna let W's crazy A88 stop me from one day having a true loving relationship like I've been praying to God about all these years. just maybe through the pain and heartbreak of all this, he's preparing me for the one I've been meant to be with all along...gotta keep "shake it off", learn and get myself back in the game one of these days. apologies for talking to myself, but I couldn't let my dumb a88 comments from myself to myself stand.
holidays are going to be tough no matter what. simply put I miss her, my D and OUR whole family.
I'll get through it ok, but there will be a TON of self reflecting...and hopefully a lot of food!
praying for all of you...
-B
Those first holidays after BD are horrible! Hang in there B, you'll just persevere at first, but then you'll learn to start enjoying life again. Be patient with yourself!
holidays are going to be tough no matter what. simply put I miss her, my D and OUR whole family.
I'll get through it ok, but there will be a TON of self reflecting...and hopefully a lot of food!
praying for all of you...
-B
B I can relate. BD for me was 12/23 last year. The holidays sucked. I could barely eat. Everyone noticed. I said I didn't feel well (which was 100% true). My mom has a sixth sense about these things. During our get-together she went into the kitchen of my niece's house where my W was sitting....and hugged her. Out of the blue and said "I love you!" My W mentioned it later as being weird. Then when we opened a restaurant gift card from my parents (as did my other siblings) my mom said "And that is for a date night! Not for the entire family but must for the couples to go out on a date." She knew something wasn't right with us.
The other get togethers were the same but without the mom's 6th sense. So much good food and I could barely eat any of it. I plan to make up for that this year.
Hang in there B, it will get better one way or another.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
well...thanksgiving was...surreal best i know how to say it. a whole bunch of "this is not right, i should be with my family (W+D)" but nope and it was complete radio silence which didn't surprise me either. closing in on almost 9 months apart, ironically the time seems to have passed MUCH faster than i ever expected to have done so. it is hard at times to even recall...many things. w leaving, w being with me, our regular day to day. can't even say how i even feel about those things, be it fondly or sad or what. does truly feel like my life was shot out of a cannon...and likely i'm still flying through the air lol.
first part of the long weekend was rough. rightly or wrongly through what i know of my sitch, my gut feeling GUESS is that W has had an affair of some kind/duration. i spent a good bit of time reading up on the why's of affairs and learned a great deal. the need for validation of looks, feeling alone, being resentful, lots of sex, etc many reasons that i could see in my W. and then, more importantly i could see how what i did not provide could have brought about those feelings in my w. not getting away from the tv, basically just not giving to her the level of attention she may have needed. i know to separate the issues of the marriage from W having an affair IF she did, but i did and can see how the discontent from the MR could enable W to have an OM. one thing that struck me as well is that in one research article I read it said basically that the one who is unfaithful many times is the one who gave the least in the relationship. to be fair to myself, W did not invest much time in giving me what i needed in the MR either...and yet i never once considered going outside of it. i was told "unhappy", but never told specifics so i don't feel too hard on myself when she couldn't/wouldn't be adult enough to tell me HOW/WHY she wasn't happy. there was/is so much potential i see in our MR especially with the time and growth and learning that i've developed in the time apart that it's a terrible pity for her to just through it away like a piece of trash....but i can't control that AND even if i feel like i've become a better man, more relationship aware guy, in no way does that mean she has esp if she's wayward. just s88ks.
from all i read over the course of the weekend, there's no hope for her and i. funny thing is even 9 months on from BD while life on the whole is ok, inside of me i am STILL standing for my MR. i mean procedurally i'll have to sign some papers, sell the house and find a new place to live, but life as i'll know it then is basically as i know it now...and that's fine actually. not how i wanted it but fine. and yet, I STILL love her. the more I've read of R, the more H**L I think it would be. if she had OM, for two folks to R it sounds like a never ending H**L. the more i read of what it takes, the more i admire the people who can go through it. i just don't think i'm strong enough to endure it were it ever to come up and I don't think W would ever be able to do all that is necessary on her end. so there it is, even if she came back, if there was OM i don't think we'd survive. that said then the ONLY option is D, doing away with her and moving on. the more i can invalidate R as acceptable, the more i can accept D as what other option is there? it becomes a non-emotional decision as it's the only answer left/available.
bought some stuff for D for Christmas and i'm sure i'll get more gifts as the time goes by. a VERY wonderful way to "GAL" :-) thing is though, where i am now i'd just as soon forget Christmas. was tough coming back and seeing neighbor houses all aglow with lights and love for their families living inside, while mine is all blown to H**L. anyway i don't get this. i guess the reality is i never will. somebody i think LH was saying how it seems like every woman in their 40's is unhappy. lol yeah that. IC will continue to have a fight on her hands with me. between the failure rate of marriages, my 2 D's and all that i read from other's sitches, i can see me staying alone for a long time and given what i know, i'm more accepting of that with each passing day.
i want to say to some folks especially harvey, twofeet, hurt you all are in my prayers. you boys are going through H**L and i feel terribly sorry for the cruelty you are each enduring. i haven't had a chance in H**L with my sitch either, but at least i've had more peace/time. praying for you guys. i also want to thank and say prayers for so many wonderful folks on here who have lifted me up and everyone else with their comments/thoughts and prayers. it's a wonderful thing to read when one of us is down, not too long after someone else comes along and picks them up especially in some of the appalling sitches some of us are dealing with.
Stay strong B. Hope is a die hard b!tch. Be proud to have it, it honours your M. Just get expectations out, for your own sake. Moving forward man, better times coming. Enjoy D when spending time with her, be there at the real time.
Keep DBing
Hugs man!
(((B)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Just clarify so as not to offend anyone, I said all the married women that I know in their 40s are unhappy. I also read an article that said women in their 40s are the most unhappiest people on the planet.
I am really surprised that after all this time and with mutual friends that you have not been able to confirm an A.
neffer, i'm strong for me and my D, but me and hope...lol like i say i've just read so much about how terribly hard R is post-A. and if i'm being honest and w has had one, i couldn't stay with her. simple and as soul crushing as that. D is the formal end, but if she left at BD because of any kind of A then we(I) was done as soon as it started. there MUST be better times ahead for sure.
lh, apologies if i misquoted/misunderstood you. i don't believe its only women in their 40's really. i guess from being on here, it seems like the entire world of men/women are unhappy. :-)
so there are no mutual friends and she has family all around her. W has but one friend who is not close. and for me as i've said, i have not one single time even been interested to try and find out. if there is/was an A/OM then as i say i'm done/finished at that point anyway and she left so what difference does it make. best not to beat myself up over something i couldn't control anyway and i D**M sure know i'm a good man that didn't deserve the betrayal.
i think W's plan is just keeping it very hidden until D for appearances. i think she had one, probably for much longer than i would ever imagine, she BD/separated from me when the "other nest" was strong in her opinion, scapegoats me to be the bad guy/justify to her family/hope they buy it, goes away to conduct the PA, will keep it out of sight until she can D me ASAP and THEN..."family here's OM, we met after B and I separated, I'm a good person, didn't cheat" it would be terribly difficult for W if she thinks her family thinks she cheated. for me if she did, she freed/lost me from her the second it started. i hope it was worth it for her IF it happened.
