Hi there. I was just putting together a massive post about everything I've been ruminating about. Mostly grief, loss, anger, blah blah. Lesson learned: reading 2 entire self-help books in one day does not count as GAL.
I have not heard of ANY of those games. The tabletop gaming world is just incredible, it's an entire world of its own. I had no idea.
It was a good weekend overall, a bit more productive activity than usual. Friday night we watched Tombstone with the board game group, which I had never seen before. Annoying that the lead character reminds me of W's brother but oh well. Saturday I forced myself to leave the apartment. Thought I'd just drive around. I had books with me. I ran into a friend who invited me to his place for Thanksgiving. Then went to work to catch up on paperwork, coincidentally ran into the boss, who just a few days earlier had given me the impression that my days there were numbered. So she saw me putting in extra hours, which is a small win. Then the board game group invited me to go see The Girl in the Spider's Web. I very rarely ever see movies in the theater, so that was fun. Nice to be invited places by people you've just met.
Sunday was reading and chores. At one point I experienced a resurgence of some really intense anger that I thought I had gotten over. Funny what can set me off. This time it was because the dishwasher flooded right as I was leaving to go to the laundromat. And I was like, "Curse this nonsense, since when do I have to call maintenance and go to laundromats, I used to be a homeowner." I guess I'm over it for now. The nice thing about the anger is that by the morning it's gone, replaced by the usual painful feeling of "I miss her and I can't believe this happened," which then slowly dissipates until around dinner time, when I start feeling like I'm fine and life will be OK.
Also on Sunday W texted to ask for some form, and I sent her a PDF by email, no subject, no text, just coldness. So I worry that I'm botching the detachment/darkness thing. I mean, she needs to know that I'm not her plan B, but I hope she doesn't think that I don't want to be her plan A. I wonder how this will play out in the long run.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
If she chooses you for plan A, believe me she is going to let you know. Don’t worry about that. So keep the detachment/darkness thing growing. Be the king of darkness
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hey buddy do you read those books and toss them? I find with the self help books its good to read them a couple of times or highlight sections and go back through those. Need to concrete those new ideas and ways of thinking/living. Have you looked into Corey Wayne's book? I think a couple of us guys on here have read it at least once or are reading it.
Another thing and maybe you already do this. When I look at my sitch as a whole, be it past, present, or future it becomes overbearing, almost panic inducing. If I look at it as a day by day approach it puts it into manageable pieces and helps me get through it.
Can't believe you have never seen Tombstone, such a good wild west movie.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/12/1811:25 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Tossing a book? Never! I read, underline, write notes, etc. There are a couple books I read so many times as my sitch was changing so quickly (or as my understanding of it was changing) that I had to start putting dates next to the notes. I think my copy of DR is starting to fall apart. But I set that one aside because I’m past that point now...
I know what you mean about panic inducing. And that sounds like what you said a few weeks back about when you’re out in the wilderness focusing on the next hour or the next meal. It’s something I should train myself to do. My brain operates in a kind of big picture way. I’m always looking for patterns, connections, meaning. Answers. Which in this kind of thing you apparently don’t get a lot of.
I’ll get the Corey Wayne book and see what that’s about. I’m super skeptical of all the dating books, some of them seem pretty slimy. But at some point it’s information I’ll need, so why not.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Daily check-in. Another 5,000-word post, another "select all, delete." No need to bore everyone with the details.
Overall I'm doing OK. Still lots of internal pain but I'm maybe slightly better at consciously pushing it aside. It's worst right when I wake up and I remember that reality is real. Mostly just pointless questions without answers. Why? Why me? What can I do? Why did it have to happen this way. Well, burned, you've already asked these questions and gotten all of the answers. Still not enough. Focus on me. Personal growth. Time and space. Marathon. Somehow none of that is as soothing as it used to be.
Got a couple of these "how to D" books, legal aspects of D, etc. and reading them makes me feel like puking. But I have to make a decision at some point. The people IRL whose wisdom I consider priceless are all on the same page. "Burned, do the right thing, take back your self-respect, your dignity, your honor. Protect yourself financially, she loses nothing by dragging this out." Blah, blah.
I just don't have it in me, and I can't figure out if it's because it's not what I want, or because I just don't like having to pull the trigger. I can't kick this can down the road much longer. Yeah, there's always hope. But I could also get hit by a bus crossing the street. So, anything is possible.
Last night I tried to watch some random dumb mid-90s action movie and, surprise surprise, there's a wedding scene, for no particular reason. So now I'm just not going to watch any movies, period. It's just not safe.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Don't delete those posts. If you don't want to post them, keep them as a journal entries in a word doc. You will probably want to look back on this in the future.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Yes, at some point. Maybe do a check in every Monday morning....just like you would if you were losing weight: "Do I want to file for divorce this week?" If the answer is no, then let it go until the next Monday. I can see and feel and read that you have this...cloud?...fog?...over everything you are doing/feeling/saying. Like you are only putting yourself out there halfway because thats all you have to give right now. Like you are still protecting yourself from W or some thing. Or saving that other half in case she comes racing back. How can you funnel that energy and interest into YOU? Instead of researching divorce, how about looking up what game you want to bring to the next game night? Or where would be cool to go visit in Switzerland? Or whatever. Funnel your energy back into you and positive things.
Originally Posted by burned "Burned, do the right thing, take back your self-respect, your dignity, your honor. Protect yourself financially, she loses nothing by dragging this out." [/quote
But....thats all based on her. It's advice meant to help you end your pain. It's EASY to give that advice. Divorce doesnt stop the hurting. Divorce wont make her feel your loss. You take back your self-respect by RESPECTING YOURSELF. Divorce is just a piece of paper - if you are divorced but still give her the same headspace, it doesnt matter.
[quote=burned I can't kick this can down the road much longer. Yeah, there's always hope. But I could also get hit by a bus crossing the street. So, anything is possible.
Like I said....stop worrying about a week from now. Or a month from now. Or a year from now.
The only question that matters is "Do I want to be divorced right now?" If the answer is no, then who cares about what is in a month. A lot can change by then. Or not change.
