6 months post BD is quite possibly the hardest period. Why? The initial shock wears off and the whole of the pain is exposed. Now the healing begins. As I remember my sitch, it was around 6 months mark in that I began to feel the whole brunt of it and it took me another 6 months before I started noticing progress, ie. that the things were beginning to be better. Not the situation, but my feelings. So again, what you are going through is normal. It hurts like hell, but it is normal. Do not hide the pain, do not retreat into solitude among the 4 walls. Go out, go mingle with people, it will be better. Go for walks, go hiking, release the negative feelings. Contact sports would be awesome for that. At least take a baseball bat to a trash can or something. Go into woods and yell from the top of your voice.
Let it out!!!
And start making changes with yourself and for yourself. Now you can reinvent yourself. Lose those pesky 65 pounds you always wanted to lose, dress smart, look smart, shave, shower, be a man's man. You will not always feel like it, but force yourself.
I do not quite remember your sitch, but remind me again, where did you see the benefit of you moving out instead of your W?
I hope now the healing begins. Because every time she emails me about something related to the D (like just now), I get this crushing feeling in my heart. Nope, not detached. I SO don't want to lose her. But I've already lost her. Can't accept it. It just gets more and more real.
As for why I moved out, about 2 months after BD she apparently decided she was done "trying" to R (a.k.a., had reconnected with OM), she decided to move out. I had no idea what I was doing so I said, hey, I know someone with an empty place, I can move out. That way she wouldn't have to sign a 1-year lease for what I thought was a "trial separation."
I did just about everything wrong before joining the board. I mean, with flying colors. I think by the time I got here it was far too late to save the M. I know I can still save myself. But it hurts like a mule.
Some days I try to think like AS and say to myself, "Hey, anyone can reconcile, even me." But the reality is that it's so unlikely as to be unworthy of a second thought. Once W makes a decision, she makes it happen. The grass isn't greener? She will MAKE it green.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Some days I try to think like AS and say to myself, "Hey, anyone can reconcile, even me." But the reality is that it's so unlikely as to be unworthy of a second thought. Once W makes a decision, she makes it happen. The grass isn't greener? She will MAKE it green.
Spray-painting it green does not count. All that will happen is more work to do when the grass needs maintenance.
Something to keep telling yourself is that you cannot control W's words or actions. The more you try, the more she will resist. And it is going to take time for that mindset to gel. When you know that you truly are detaching, you will know because any positive thoughts, signs, "acts of love" will be taken over with "But she is cheating on you. She is treating you terribly. She is cake-eating. She is using you." and so on. Why should you want to get back with a person like that? It is a long process. It will not come in a day or a week or even a month. But each day you make small steps forward. Some moments you will feel like everything is great. Other times, you will crash. But as time goes on things get steadily better for yourself.
Spray-painting it green does not count. All that will happen is more work to do when the grass needs maintenance.
I like that analogy, too. Not that she used that exact phrasing, but she said something along those lines after BD, that she had been working really hard for years to make "us" work. So I wasn't very green, in her mind. I'm told that she will do the spray-painting with the next guy, and the same thing will happen again. Meanwhile I'm over here trying to fertilize and water myself to become the greenest grass around! I mean, eventually.
Originally Posted by pain18
Why should you want to get back with a person like that?
So there's a good question. Mostly because I remember the 9 years before things went south, and they were good years. We're getting rid of something 90% good because we don't like the 10% of it that's bad. On the other hand, the A. I mean, why not just say you're leaving and leave? Why hide it and lie about it for that long?
Originally Posted by pain18
It is a long process. It will not come in a day or a week or even a month. But each day you make small steps forward. Some moments you will feel like everything is great. Other times, you will crash. But as time goes on things get steadily better for yourself.
You can say that again. And it's what everyone says, obviously. I thought I was making progress a month ago. Today I'm a basket case. Lost my voice from screaming into the pillow last night. Yesterday morning I was perfectly fine with my life. Who knows how I'll feel by dinner? So I use that to remind myself that since I only interact with W once a week, electronically, and she is probably doing her best to act like everything is fine, as am I...then maybe, like me, she has moments when things aren't so great.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So there's a good question. Mostly because I remember the 9 years before things went south, and they were good years. We're getting rid of something 90% good because we don't like the 10% of it that's bad. On the other hand, the A. I mean, why not just say you're leaving and leave? Why hide it and lie about it for that long?
I really like this Burned and I am of the same mindset. It is hard to explain and I don't expect anyone to understand it that isn't going through it. I had a great marriage up until BD, not perfect by any means but it was a very happy 8 years. We built an amazing family together. I will probably always be open to some sort of recon. The 90%/10% is exactly what I think most of us are dealing with. The WAS only seems to fpcus on the 10% bad though.
I also struggle greatly with the question "Why not just leave?". I would really like to ask her If myself and our marriage was so bad and you were this unhappy why have you not left yet? Why do you not seem to have any plan for actually getting a divorce?
I hear you both on the 90/10 stuff. I too have the same mindset.
But,
No matter how much WE try (pursuit) to make the 10% good, we always fail.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
I also struggle greatly with the question "Why not just leave?". I would really like to ask her If myself and our marriage was so bad and you were this unhappy why have you not left yet? Why do you not seem to have any plan for actually getting a divorce?
Because she really does not know what she wants. And it's not up to you to decide that. Believe me, I have thrown that and variants of "Why are you doing <stuff>? I still throw out that question. It's less frequent, and it may have gotten to the point where I don't really care. That's her BS to deal with.
I, like you, am also open to R. I would love that. But I am also learning that it is not as simple of saying "Ok. Let's get back together.", because that will guarantee failure. They are going to have to earn that.
Well, mine has a plan and appears to be actively working on it. So I'm not really in that same boat.
Maybe she has doubts. Maybe they'll get a bit stronger after her first Thanksgiving without me. But what I know about her is that when she has doubts, she doubles down on her efforts.
Hmm, so maybe when she seems more determined, it means she's having MORE doubts? No idea. Mind reading. Pointless. Won't make the pain go away.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Because she really does not know what she wants. And it's not up to you to decide that. Believe me, I have thrown that and variants of "Why are you doing <stuff>? I still throw out that question. It's less frequent, and it may have gotten to the point where I don't really care. That's her BS to deal with.
Sums it up perfectly right there but I think part of that is what makes what we go through so hard. It is painful for me to see someone I love so much so lost and confused. But I hear you, at this point it is up to her to deal with how she sees fit. I'm sticking with the you made your bed now lie in it mentality.
Well, about 90-10 thing ya all were discussing. It is a falsehood. The LBS also looks at the wrecked marriage through rose colored glasses making it sound more ideal than it really was. You will arrive to this conclusion in due time. In due time, the rose colored glasses will shatter and you will begin to see that your M was not all that perfect, you were quite a dick at times and your spouse was no cinderella either.
I will say it again. Your marriage was not perfect, chances are it was just OK, but that is fine, 90% of marriages are in this category. Same as the WAS rewrites history and sees the marriage all bad, so does the LBS rewrite history, making the marriage sound better than it really was.
You have to own up to the fact that you bear a part of the blame for the demise of your marriage, but no more than half. So own up to it, forgive yourself and start rebuilding yourself and your life.
Burned, if I were you, I would ask a lawyer for an advice how to move back into your home. For fcuck's sake, it is YOUR home. If she want's to leave, she can bloody well leave herself. But do not do anything rash, consult a lawyer, before doing anything.
After I discussed the matter with the lawyer, I would send W an email saying: "Listen W, this thing me staying in a strange apartment in a strange part of town is not working for me, so I will be moving back into my home on this and this date." Nothing further is needed, she will get the hint.
And after you move back, take back the bedroom. She can sleep in the bedroom, or make other arangements. Fcuck her and her $hit.
