Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Davide]

Twofeet,

Hang in there. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be there when my W moved out. You showed a ton of strength, and handled it well. It won't necessarily be smooth sailing from here on, but that was a really tough moment that you got through with aplomb.

Having time and distance will help with your detachment and give you the psychological space to work on yourself, to get your mind focused more on you rather than her. It really does help. I'm 7 months physically separated and I think the space has helped nearly as much as the time.

[DejaVu6]

TF... That was hard to read. I can’t imagine how tough it was to be there. I am so sorry. And the interactions with your kids. Heartbreaking. I dread the day my H fully moves out. Currently, he has only partly done so. Probably because we have a 4000 square foot home and he is living in about 1000 square feet. Nonetheless.. it will eventually have to go. He just has so much stuff...

Anyway... I agree with Davide. It will get easier with some distance. Small consolation at this time.

(((HUGS)))

[Ready2Change]

Take time to morn the lose of the relationship. Change anything in the house that makes it more "yours" and the kids.

Start in the bedroom.


You have done well over the past few difficult weeks.

I wish you well.

[Ready2Change]

....she's still there. that's the truth....Now the work really starts....

She will check you to see if you're still available...Don't go completely dark....so don't stop what you are doing....you will want to share with her the ongoings in your life. You will want to apologize or tell her how you have changed. Resist this at all cost.

She will notice changes if she says something shrug it off as no big deal, thank her like you would thank anyone else for the compliment. Don't explain anything to her about yourself.

Keep your conversations kids and finance centered, always get off the phone or end conversations first. DON't Linger, always stay in a bit of a hurry around her like you have more important things to tend to.....


Make her wonder what you are up to. I think this woman is still crazy about you. I think she has justified in her head why she isn't but in her heart, she knows you are the one. Do this for a few months so that she has time to let her situation sink in. I would not be the least surprised that on occasions you will go to pick up the kids and she will ask if you want to stay for dinner. I won't be the least surprised if you notice that she always seems to need to talk to you about the kids or finances. My wife did this a lot and I fell for it a lot. .....Every time we did something like this together she would always pull back afterward

Your wife needs time to process what she has done.


This isn't' the time to be a dick this is a time to pleasant and happy, do not put on the sad face in front of her anymore.

This is a time that you really give her her space to let her process. If she wants to talk about the R listen don't talk, only listen and validate

My prayer every day was God let us be friends so we can take good care of our children.

[Twofeet]

Well she has been out of the house since Friday and the kids stayed with W Mon, Tues, but I get them back for 2 days. She is not dead, but I feel the ghost of her presence. Something that I didn't realize until she left was how much I miss the smell of her. I was grieving the loss of my MR before she left, but now the wound has been freshly ripped open and I am grieving all over again. I cry a lot, sometimes I am randomly triggered. I have never cried as much as I have since BD. It feels good in that I am able to let out those emotions that I used to keep locked up. This whole process has helped me realize that as a man it's okay to cry when the pain is extreme enough.
I have not been lonely, but I am decent at handling loneliness, just stay busy and GAL. I like quiet and I like to be alone, but this is a whole new level. W has kids Fri-Sun so I have a bunch of GAL lined up. I am guessing the weekend is where loneliness probably hits the hardest.

I picked up the kids from school for a session with IC yesterday. Met W there and she looked haggard. She was super stressed out and had bags under her eyes. I asked if she was ok and she said no she is stressed and she looked like she wanted to cry. I asked if she wanted to talk because I would listen. She said no don't worry about it. So I turned my focus on the kids. IC was focused mostly on D8 and her issues with D. Everything went well.
After W had to take D8 to her rec activity so I offered to take D5 and S3 so W wasn't overwhelmed and so I could spend time with them. They came back home with me and I fed them dinner. In the move W got our TV so I bought a new one and installed it in the living room. The old TV was in the girls room (it's a very large bonus room with a bathroom) and with it being in the living room we can be together more as a family. I played the Guess Who game with D5, her favorite. After I played music vids on YouTube on the TV and danced to them with D5 and S3. W and D8 came by pretty late, they went shopping after D8 rec activity. W called and wanted me to get kids ready send them out. D8 heard her and got pissed so W and D8 came in the house. W has been trying to go cold turkey on me since the day she left and we embraced. I get why she is doing that and the space she needs to create. I am respecting that and only respond when she hits the ball over to my side of the court. I dont think she realized how hard creating that space was going to be with 3 young and very active children.

[Davide]

Twofeet,

You are handling things extremely well. Definitely let those emotions out. That is healthy. Don't run from them or deny them. As they say, the only way forward is through the pain.

The weekends have always been the hardest for me without the weekday structure of work/exercise. It sounds like you are the right track trying to find GAL activities to look forward to. You are still going to have lotttts of time alone, but it sounds like you are handling that well.

Good luck!

[LH19]

She was super stressed out and had bags under her eyes. I asked if she was ok and she said no she is stressed and she looked like she wanted to cry. I asked if she wanted to talk because I would listen. She said no don't worry about it.

Be every careful not to friend zone yourself. If she wants to talk let her initiate and then listen and validate.

Weekends aren't bad at all. That's usually when you can either get out with friends or catch up on house work or start new hobbies.

Remember that this is a marathon not a sprint and is still likely YEARS away from unfolding.

[Twofeet]

LH19,

I am trying to be careful with the friend zone. That's the last thing I need or want. Its a R or amicable co-parent, I will be friendly but I am not interested in a friendship. It's just difficult seeing someone you have feelings for struggle. Something I will have to get used to.

W called me today. She needs to come over to work on a school project for D8 that she promised she would do it and hasn't, its due tomorrow. In most circumstances I would probably tell her to stay home and I could take care of it. However, I have worked with D8 on the last 2 projects and I don't feel like doing another one. She also didn't work on D5 project that was due today and needs to do that. I told her I would do D5 project and she could do the other so she wouldn't be at my house all night. I told her she could eat dinner at my house and she said don't go out of your way to make me dinner. I said I am not, I am making dinner as usual for everyone and there will be plenty if she wants to eat. She was making it awkward on the phone so I told her " Look I feel like you are making this weird, don't worry about it its cool, the kids come first." I don't want to appear to be in pursuit, hopefully I got that across to her.

As far as the weekends go it was kind of expected of me in the MR to find things for us to do be it W and I or the whole family so I have that working for me in general. This Fri I am going out and reconnecting with old friends. Sat and Sun I am thinking about doing a late archery deer hunt in the mountains. This BD really sucked the wind out of me and my desire to hunt/hike this fall. I am thinking this weekend would be a good one to get out into the mountains and just drop off from the grid, no service, no calls, no nothing.

I hear ya about the marathon. I think I just completed the first mile and the next mile is so new its easy to forget you are still in a marathon not a sprint. I appreciate your advice, and I appreciate everyone else who has contributed to my posts. I wish I could meet everyone and go out for a beer or dinner or something.

[Twofeet]

LH19,

I just remember something I wanted to talk to you or anybody reading these post about. When I saw her yesterday looking worn out I felt like the love goggles starting to come off a bit. I was really looking at her and seeing the cracks in her facade, or rather the facade that I had mentally created. To me she was an endlessly beautiful creature, no matter what she did with herself I could only see this flawless beauty, the muse that I married. For a brief moment yesterday, when I was looking at her all I saw was flaws, a worn out, pathetic mid-30s woman. I wondered if I was a single guy and meeting her for the first time right now, would I even be physically attracted to her. Then it was like my brain kicked into protection mode and the love googles went back up and she was my beautiful W again. It was a weird feeling.
Is this unique or something similar happen to you at any point BD to D?

[LH19]

I told her she could eat dinner at my house and she said don't go out of your way to make me dinner. I said I am not, I am making dinner as usual for everyone and there will be plenty if she wants to eat.

TF,

This is pursuit man. Look if you don't want her back and you are totally cool with a blended family I'll do projects at your house, you do projects at my house dinner eating kind of thing that's fine. This is cake eating big time.

Let us not lose sight of the fact there is an om in the picture here. Do you want to be cooking her dinner and then she goes over to his place afterwards?

Time and space turns this around. Nothing else.