Thanks for that. It's sort of what I thought you'd say (and have said before) but I needed to hear it again.
Just now I recalled something IC said a couple weeks ago, that self-respect comes from making my own choices, not "doing what's right." I mean ideally the two would line up. But in this case there's so much ambiguity that "what's right" in terms of the R is up for debate. And I debate it internally, constantly.
So when IC says to do what's in my best interest, and I reflect on what I've learned here, then what's in my best interest is telling the people I love that I'm making my own decisions and I'll accept the consequences. They may hurt seeing me hurt, but my actions shouldn't be geared toward helping THEM feel better.
Ah, cool insight. Getting rid of more of that old NGS.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Digging through some of the things I've saved over the last few months, I found this from a few weeks ago. I should really start keeping track of details, like who/what/when. Possibly LH19?
Quote
Stop the D talk. Stop saying it to your self and stop posting about it. If it happens, it happens. The people here can give you the tools to decrease the odds of it happening, but you have to listen and follow the advice. You sound pitiful with this "maybe I should just blah blah blah.."
...
Stop this D talk with the W. Stand up to her. Stop negotiating. If she wants to make an offer tell her to send it and you will consider it. DON'T discuss the terms. She is using it to control you. You can be firm without fighting. Make her do it all and don't agree to anything without your own counsel. F her time frame. You still have to agree.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It’s almost 10 PM and since I now live in an apartment on the crappier side of town I get to enjoy the soothing sounds of some butthead working on his crotch rocket, revving it and then letting it idle for 5-10 minutes at a time.
This is my life now.
Thinking about some things I heard yesterday. A woman, D and remarried, whose 27 year old son is trying to save his 4-year R with a GF who is sort of crazy. And an 83 year old guy with NGS whose wife left him a few months ago.
So we’re not alone. But that doesn’t make me feel any better, at all.
And if that loser doesn’t shut his bike off in the next 10 minutes I’m calling the police.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned...I'm truly sorry for your living conditions. But, when I read it, my first thought was I hope my H finds just as annoying living conditions if he chooses to continue the separation after November. I sometimes wish he was miserable.
There has to be something positive in this. Greater self-awareness, compassion for those who don’t have what I have even if they have what I don’t have. A better understanding about how to nurture relationships.
I am responsible for my own happiness. So that means I’m also responsible for my own UNhappiness. Meaning I have to be proactive about managing it.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned - Did you go back and prepare the list of goals for yourself? How are you doing on those?
Do you think in your spare moments that you can train yourself to think about those. How you did the day before. What you will do the next day/week, etc?
You have to fall inlove with yourself first. You are the most important person in your life. YOU! And you have to heal first.
The healing is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. I was warned, I know, but living it makes it so real. Still a ton of fear about the future.
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Did you go back and prepare the list of goals for yourself? How are you doing on those? ... Are you holding yourself accountable to yourself?
Not doing great there. I wish I had the time or the energy, or the desire maybe, to focus on those. I'm barely accomplishing necessary daily tasks. It's sort of like sleepwalking through this pain. I'm avoiding, which has always been my favorite defense mechanism.
I do my gratitude/happiness journal almost daily. It's mildly helpful. And I'm starting to get my act together at work, so that reduces stress to some extent. Two medical appointments next week, first to check on this ankle which isn't healing, and then for my yearly checkup plus maybe seeing about increase in antidepressant dose.
From yesterday:
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Like you are still protecting yourself from W or some thing. Or saving that other half in case she comes racing back.
That pretty much sums it up. It's like I don't want to think about creating a life for myself without her, because then I won't be able to go back. Like, once I've really moved on, then I've really lost her. It doesn't really make sense.
It hurts to think about her, but my obsessive mind can't stop doing it. Everything is a reminder. But when that happens I try to think positive relative to the R, like, this will be OK, she will be back, all of this will have served a purpose, we will have the best R ever. But that kind of denial is getting harder and harder. So then I think about myself. And at this point, much as I know it's not true, I have this feeling that ahead of me is a long, hard road full of more rejection, more pain, more fear, and no guaranteed success in terms of being in another R. I think I just have to keep crawling through this sewage. Because complaining about it doesn't help and is just so unattractive.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
There was something my IC told me yesterday that pertains to the healing process. BD is the equivalent of the beginning of a deep wound. The stuff follows is equivalent of the wound getting deeper. The cutting/stabbing/scraping, etc. stops when the S process starts.
DBing is dressing the wound. And at first, you’re just trying to get the bleeding to stop, which it eventually does. And the wound then begins to start the repair process. Blood clotting, removing infection, scabbing, and so forth. Then eventually you have to take off the bandages and expose the wound again. More pain. So you clean it the wound (DBing) and dress it again. You do this many times over weeks, months, or longer. Over time, the healing process continues, and you have to dress it less and less. The wound eventually closes. The pain eventually stops. And you are left with a scar that serves as a reminder of the events you endured.
The way you’re feeling right now, is ok. Don’t rush the healing process. Let it do it’s thing. Some people take longer to heal. I know I am. Just take care of yourself. Get healthier, GAL, engage in healthy activities, spend time with your children, friends. And let out your emotions when you have to.
