I 100% agree with Ryun. Part of being strong is being able to ask for help when it is needed. Even if it is just for a temporary period, medications can help bridge the gap.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I've been on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication for well over 6 months now. Before that I was on an SSRI for two years but stopped because of the weight gain. I have a small prescription of Xanax to take as needed when I cannot sleep. Depression runs in my family (contributed to the sitch I'm in). To say medication has helped me is a massive understatement. I cannot even begin to fathom how I would have dealt with this awfulness without them.
That being said, I do not want to medicate myself to numb myself or escape from this. I will complain and cry, but this journey has been necessary and I need to feel the feelings as I go through this.
I needed to be a better man and this event forced me to undergo that journey. It's been painful and I still do not know how it will end, but I do know that I am becoming a better man, a better father, a better son, a better friend, and a better employee. God willing, this will make me a better boyfriend...and a better husband.
Something that I need to bounce off you folks and I think I know the answer but I want your viewpoint:
Is it considered cheating if WW thought about cheating before BD? Is it cheating if we both agreed to a trial S but did not agree to date others? Is what WW doing still considered cheating?
Does any of that really matter in the end? She most likely checked out on the marriage well before BD, and is certainly not invested in the marriage now. That's what matters.
Let her go. Stop focusing on external things that you can't control. Bring it back to you, your reactions, your perspective, your values. How is the GAL going?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I’m failing today. My patience is razor thin with D4. Her hyperactivity is draining me. GAL is difficult, near impossible.
I’m so angry at W. I want to throw it into her hypocritical face about what is doing. About how she lied to me about not hurting me, especially in the way she is doing now. I want to see her hurt. I want OM to hurt her badly. I want to repeat the words “you are a horrible cheating bitch” to her over and over again until I pass out.
I know GAL is supposed to help. So does counseling, and so does medication. I'm doing all three and I still am mired in misery. It seems like step forward is accompanied by lingering pain. So yeah...I'm making progress. I feel it, everyone senses it. But it's wrecking me on the inside. I can list all of the things and positive changes I have made this year and I am so proud of what I have done. Heck, I even joined a singles group on Meetup and have tentative plans to go out next weekend. I picked two pairs of nice jeans and have a dress vest on reserve. I also have two shirts at bay. I'm going to dress like a confident, sexy man.
But this...the WW, the complete loss of trust, the uncertainty, and the hopelessness of this lingering...all weigh extremely heavily on me. Last night I googled quotes on being cheated on. Two come to mind:
-You know exactly what you are doing. That is what hurts the most.
-I hate that I will never be the same person again. My qualities of being trusting and somewhat naive will never be there again. Instead I feel like I walk around in a trance waiting to wake up from my nightmare.
The only reason why I have not collapsed complete is because of my starlight sitting in the living room. She deserves the best. The best father. The best man.
Just dropped off D4 with W. She was with her friends (our friends) and I chatted with W about Thanksgiving plans. I tried to be cordial but it appeared fairly obvious that I’m distant and I’m hurting.
Now I sit in the parking lot at Wal-Mart waiting for the NGS support group to start with tears streaming down my face.
GAL after. Weight lifting then something else..
She wrecked me. She wrecked my friendships we had. She wrecked my confidence. I take blame for my attitude and actions leading up to this. I never imagined the fallout would be this devastating.
11 months into S and I still can’t pull it together. I keep praying for peace and a resolution for this and I see no sign from God of it ending. I just wish for it to be over. Somehow.
Pain - so sorry you are having a rough time of it. It stinks to have to deal with our new realities, for sure, but focusing on what she DID to you is useless. Don't give her that power. The fall-out of a S or D is of course changing lives. But, our lives will only be wrecked if WE let it happen to OURSELVES. I'm sad too about a few couples friends we had. I miss our time together. But, on reflection, friends come and go all throughout our lives, and it's time to cultivate new ones or reconnect with old. I am getting close again to 2 girlfriends that were out of my life for years (one since high school). And it's been wonderful!
Don't beat yourself up for feeling down. Let the feelings wash over you then get back to taking action to take control of your own life.
So sorry Pain. You are going through a rough patch. Try hard to let go of the rope and accept that your W is just on a path she feels compelled to walk down. It is not about you. Keep DBing and GAL. Better days will come. You will pull through this and be a better, stronger person for your next R be it with your W or with someone else. Sending you lots of positive energy. You are not alone. (((HUGS)))
