Familiar path, new approach (pain18 DB VII)

[Phoenix9]

Day 107,

Rough start to the week. The talk about permanence yesterday cut me deeply. I am more sad about D4, than W, but it hurts just the same.

Yesterday after one of my prayers I just asked God to put me out of this misery. I broke down. As a result, I skipped the sex ed class and lifted at a different gym. Came back late, fell asleep late.

Slept terribly. I had a dream in which W and I engaged in sex. I realized it was a dream and forced myself to wake up.

Been in and out since.

I know I’m making a lot of changes and growing. I just keep wanting the hurt to stop. It’s coming on to 11 months since BD. I know this is going to carry into 2019. I’m just wondering how far deep into the next year it will go.

[ovrrnbw]

I would focus on what AS said. Pull back, no need to get that far in convo.

[ovrrnbw]

And I hope you have a better day Pain, I'm rooting for you man.

[Phoenix9]

Thank you ovr. I really appreciate your support in this. I'm wishing stability and a happy conclusion to your story as well.

[Phoenix9]

I just experienced something powerful that made me think of the trials we are enduring or have endured.

Today was cold, cloudy, and dreary. High winds introduced a gnarly wind chill that I felt all the way to my bones when I had to walk across to the other building. There were no sunbreaks for most of the day today.

I needed to get something from my car so I stepped out of the office. As soon as I got out, I looked west, and I saw the most spectacular sunset ever. The bright orange sun and its rays burst the sky. And the sun was illuminating the clouds around it, casting them a bright pinkish orange. I just stopped and stared for minutes and just soaked up the moment. For those minutes I did not have a care in the world. I was not burdened by my sitch. I was not concerned with work. Everything was serene in that moment. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. And it gave me some hope that yes, not only it will be ok when this is all over with, but the next part will even be better than the first.

[Ready2Change]

.... just soaked up the moment. For those minutes I did not have a care in the world. I was not burdened by my sitch....

You can be here most of the time. Your brain is what gives you your pain. See if you can repeat this with something else. See if you can make it last longer. See if you can make it happen more frequently.


All this pain is an illusion. (Tool Band lyrics)

[Phoenix9]

Day 108,

It's amazing how one experience can be so uplifting and carry you for a long time. Ever since I experienced the sunset yesterday, I felt stronger, more hopeful (not about chances for R, but about me), and more determined to be AMOAFWL. While I had some free time, I started assembling a dressy casual wardrobe for myself. I am working on budgeting aside some money so that I can buy those clothes and use them in my GAL events.

Possible GAL event tonight. Not sure yet.

Planned an overnight with D4 and I next weekend. Taking her to a town where the Christmas season really begins and the entire town is decorated to reflect the season.

I got my bloodwork back. Everything is looking good, especially at the age and the stress I am going through. That being said, even though I have my dips in confidence, I am feeling really good about myself. I am a person who judges myself on real data, not wishful thinking, so I am hoping that at my next weigh-in I will have made some tangible progress.

Slightly awkward ending to the call with W and D4. They call me around her bedtime so that I can read D4 a bedtime story. I told her a story and told D4 about our surprise plans for next weekend. She is looking forward to that. Then W took the phone and asked where I was going. I initially hesitated, but since I am taking D4 with me she does have a right to know where her child is going, so I told her. I then ended the call by saying that "I'll talk to you two tomorrow morning?" She paused and asked if we made plans to talk tomorrow morning. I had to think about it and tell her that sometimes she calls with D4 when they are on their way to work. I finally cut it short by saying that I'll talk to them eventually tomorrow. I ended the call and went about my night.

Busy day at work, but not a bad one. I see MC this afternoon. I hope that this time I can keep it together and end it on a upbeat note.

[Phoenix9]

Day 109,

Another good start to the day. Hoping it lasts for awhile.

IC went well. We talked about surrendering and letting go (detach) of W, of the sitch, and control things that in our power. I posted an analogy in burned's thread that best describes the healing process:

BD is the equivalent of the beginning of a deep wound. What follows afterward (discovery of details, fights, etc.) is equivalent of the wound getting deeper and the worsening of the injury. The cutting/stabbing/scraping/burning/(insert your own injury description), etc. stops when the S process starts.

The process which we call DBing is dressing the wound. And at first, you’re just trying to get the bleeding to stop, which it eventually does. And the wound then begins to start the repair process. Blood clotting, removing infection, scabbing, and so forth. Then eventually you have to take off the bandages and expose the wound again. More pain. More blood loss. So you clean it the wound (DBing) and dress it again to stop the bleeding. You do this many times over weeks, months, or longer. Over time, the healing process continues, and you have to dress it less and less. The wound eventually closes. The pain eventually stops. And you are left with a scar that serves as a reminder of the events you endured.

I was told repeatedly by IC that W is not a "bitch" and the pain she is causing is not because she is malicious or evil, even if it feels that way. It is a byproduct of her waywardness, jacked up by the high she is getting from the A, late dancing, etc. He told me about my W wanting to "eventually open up to me". I recall Sandi telling me to be ready for the D convo, but did not get any other viewpoints. IC told me to shut it down quickly as I myself am very sensitive and hurt by her actions and me coming in and being a shoulder to cry on will only be cake-eating. I told him that I will listen and validate, but will treat her words as suspicious and keep distant. It was a better IC session.

I drove back to work and was appreciated by the CEO for staying late to get a job done. Told him I like the work, and I like to see it finished. Afterwards, I got stuck on my GAL plans. Went to Meetup and found a "Intro to meditation" class 10 minutes away. Went to the class and...oh my goodness. It was AMAZING. I have a meditation technique I want to employ and planning on using some of my GAL evenings to attend a meditation session weekly.

Finished meditating, said my late prayers, and walked around a grocery store looking for dinner. Grabbed dinner, ate in the car, drove around some more looking for dessert. Found dessert...ate A LOT of it, and ended the evening.

Called my mom this morning. She told me to never give up, but let her figure things out and leave the rest to God's hands. Just pray for her fog to be lifted (or the devil to release her from his influences).


Question for you folks:
What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful? I will not trust her if she says "sorry" or "Can we start on being us again?" or any other variant (trust nothing she says). There is no guarantee that the convo will happen, but I need to make sure I at least have the knowledge and the practice to say/do the appropriate things if this event occurs.

[RyanHun]

What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful? I will not trust her if she says "sorry" or "Can we start on being us again?" or any other variant (trust nothing she says). There is no guarantee that the convo will happen, but I need to make sure I at least have the knowledge and the practice to say/do the appropriate things if this event occurs.

Pain,

I'm no expert but I would not consider anything except actions. Saying things like "can we start on being us again?" etc is just that, useless words. Think back to times when you have first started any relationship, think of the actions the other person took to express interest in you, to show you that they wanted you. Not entirely up to speed on your sitch but if you did any pursuit and pleading after BD think of that but for the other side of the fence. If and when there is any remorse and a change of direction i think it will be pretty obvious.

[burned]

If and when there is any remorse and a change of direction i think it will be pretty obvious.

This is where Neffer jumps in to say something like, "When she wants you, YOU WILL KNOW." Steve85 is out hunting so he missed his chance to say it this time.