Yeah, exactly. She's got it made now. She is in her own place, comfortable, has anything and everything handy, she got rid of Burn and she can live it up. Pardon my french, but she could use a good dose of reality biting her in the ass.
You moving back would be a step towards reclaiming your identity and a definite stop to the defensive moves. Defense is not attractive, defense kills the spirit. Standing up (do not think this means being physically aggressive in any sort or manner, this type of behavior will get you arrested) does wonders for a tormented man's soul.
And being in your own place, albeit the ghosts, sure beats a dingy flat in a shady part of town. I am sure you have realized by now that your dodgy "new" place is also equipped with ghosts (that you carry within yourself).
If you think moving back in will bring you closer to that goal (and yes, standing up for yourself will eventually gain her respect, which is a foundation of a good relationship) then be prepared for a couple of rocky months. She may respect you, but she will resent you for forcing yourself back in. She won't be able to see the respect because her resentment will be huge.
Eventually, with the tools they preach here, the resentment will diminish and she will start to respect you again. That in itself is no guarantee of R, but it does make it possible. But it will be a MF initially. If she MO as you think she might, the resentment will fade faster and the respect will come sooner.
Would you pay for her to stay in an apartment until she gets her half of the cash ? ... because to me, that would be the epitome of cake eating.
This is often a tricky situation when the LBS moves out. We always advise the LBS not to move out in the first place, because the WAS is the one that should feel the "inconvenience" of being displaced and not having that home base anymore. Also it makes a statement that while the LBS is allowing the WAS to leave, they are NOT going to put up with their life being disrupted any more than the WAS is already disrupting it, and that is a show of strength that the WAS may not like but will respect. Speaking from experience I can say that that is exactly how it played out for me. Luckily I had found DB'ing by the time it came up for me and I was already fully prepared on how to deal with it. When my ex brought up separation, I told her I would rather she stayed and worked on the M but if leaving was what she wanted I would respect her wishes and not stand in her way. She later asked why she was the one that needed to leave and not me, and I told her she was the one that wanted to end the M, why should I have to move. I told her it was my home and I wasn't planning on going anywhere (I'm still in it to this day by the way). She wasn't at all happy about being the one to move out but said she understood and respected my position.
A lot of LBS's seem to think that placating the WAS will gain them brownie points, but as Sandi frequently points out it just makes the WAS have even less respect for the LBS because they are "running away" rather than standing their ground. But moving out and then moving back in will not be respected by the WAS either. It's likely to make her very angry. So if you move back in, it has to be because it's what YOU want, not to get a reaction out of your W. Because the reaction is very likely not going to be a pleasant one.
As Twofeet said you should consult a L before moving back in. That said, you would not be the first here to move out and move back in and in those cases we also suggested consulting a L, they did and from what I understand the law is that if you are still married and both names are on the lease/ mortgage then you have as much right to the house as she does and can move back in at will without her permission.
In the meantime she texted to ask if she could use the shared credit card to buy new snow tires ($800-ish). It happened while I was in with IC and we jumped all over that because it was an opportunity to work on NGS. I’m getting tired of paying for all of her crap. I need to buy my own snows, anyway. And I need to cancel the shared accounts. She has some cash stashed away, she just doesn’t want to use it. Paying for the tires would go against my best interests in the long run. He even suggested that I say to her, Why don’t you ask your boyfriend for money. More as a way to show that I have options that range from being nice to being an a-hole.
I literally have only two letters to type. N and O. And I am frozen. So that means it’s a golden opportunity.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Again, two things. 1. My goal is R. I love this crazy woman. I’m told that taking my b@lls back makes that more likely. Or less unlikely? 2. Money is a problem as she has no income and I have been footing the bill for everything. When talking about D all she focuses on is money. She needs her half of the cash to survive, or at least she plays it off that way. 3. OK, three things. I have NO idea if she is still in an A. So I need to be careful that my actions are proactive, not punitive.
1. No dude. It could go either way. Taking your balls back will not necessarily bring her back, but it might ignite an ever so tiny spark (and then again it might not). IMO, this should happen.
2. Well of course she needs the money. And of course you are footing the bill. To put it bluntly, you are financing her affair. And I mean that quite literally.
3. It really does not matter if there is an active A going on or not. Not one bit. She is wayward, so either she is in an active A (physical of not) or she's thinking about one. The point I am trying to make, you are not even a blip on her radar. Not at all. Zilch. You will only appear on her radar, when you start making waves (by moving back in or cutting her off financially (consult a lawyer before doing that)). And this WILL piss her off. But that is good. You have to polarize her. Indifference is the death of all beautiful things. The opposite of love is not hate (as we have been taught from the earliest of ages), but indifference.
Cancel the shared accounts as soon as possible, but do bear in mind that the funds in it will more than likely be split 50:50. Consult a lawyer on this one, but do take action, every day wasted can mean huge problems. As well as shared savings, shared debt is also distributed 50:50, so you can find yourself in a lot of hot water really fast. Try explaining to the banks that you were "separated" when the debt was accrued, they will not give a flying fcuck. MArried on paper, you are responsible for debt. Period.
Again, do not wait, act! Procrastination is the mind killer.
I know you are afraid to make waves. What is she going to do? LEave you again? LEt her leave. You cannot stop her, and why would you want to? The best favor you can do to yourself is to release that that not want to be tied to you.
She will perceive it as me actively trying to sabotage her plans. She will wonder why I suddenly changed tack almost 180 degrees. She will scream that I'm trying to control her with money like I always did. And she will complain to everyone who knows her, which is her standard way of getting what she wants. Poor victim!
I will say that I slept quite well last night, woke up in good humor, and I haven't really thought much about her today except as a nuisance. So...there's something stirring, whatever it is. Really, really weird.
No, but this is NUTS. I don't know that I'm strong enough.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I said the same thing earlier on. Give it time and keep at it. It’s like performance training. You will not be able run a 5K the day after you start. You train for it and go a little further each day.
