13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

[neffer]

Fake it till you make it. Good for the GAL. Keep your mind busy: no expectations, no mind reading. Enjoy your time.

Stay strong H

[ballast]

Hurt...when you can drop the rose colored expectations you have on her and your emotions you can logically compare your legitimate expectations for a loving mature relationship against her actions and when you can do this, you will be able to clearly see you deserve better. so much of what "works" as Sandi likes to say is in fact entirely ridiculously simple as far as the "doing" part...it's our hearts/minds that make it so difficult. that is doesn't "stick yet" for you is a function of how early you are in this process. as the song goes "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, And we never even know we have the key"

Be easy on yourself H. Just because you get advice on how to be from folks on here doesn't mean you should self-analyze yourself and think you're failing. Bottom line everyone on here knows what is told to you takes a ton of time, patience and mental/emotional toughness. You just have to keep going as best you can, walking the path so to speak.

-b

[sandi2]

When we got there, I was socializing with the other adults and trying to ignore WW. I waited until she had sat down at the table, and then seated myself on the opposite side. She then proceeded to stand up, and move around the table to sit next to me... WTF. She tried to play "Family" for the entire time we were there, interacting in conversations and trying to include me like: "oh yea haha, we also did that one year... it was great. Remember, Hurt?" I ignored her mostly, and smiled and engaged in conversations with the others and played with the kids.

I'm not suggesting you embarrass the other guests, but have you considered just saying, "WTF do you think you're doing", just loud enough for her to hear? I mean, let her know you aren't playing along with her little games. This was all "show". That's all it was.

So, WW is still deep with OM for sure. She is being used as a no strings attached booty call, and she thinks that he will come around and evolve the feelings she craves if she just plays along.

Yep, and you are being used, too. She benefits from both men.

She has been acting extremely kind the past days, and maybe she is just happy that I "dumped her",

I don't think she feels the full effects of being "dumped" yet. She has to believe you have moved on. Some WW's are fine living under the same roof "as friends". Like I said, she is benefiting from the OM and from you. OM feeds her emotional needs, while you provide physical things and take care of the kids/house. I expect she will start temp checking you, so be prepared. The more you are out GAL, the more she's going to want to know what's going on...…..and she'll start with the questions. What she really wants to know if you are getting interested in some other woman. It's not her business, b/c she stepped outside of bonds of trust and commitment in your relationship. Those walls have been torn down, so if she starts being nosy about what, when, how, where, and who...…..just smile and wave bye...….and give her no solid answers.

[Hurt213]

Update:

So thanks for your advice guys. I am continuing to GAL and have met a few new acquaintances through new activities I have tried out, so thats great.

Yesterday I had a close-call when a truck decided to ignore a full stop sign and yea, long story short, im alright, though a bit shocked and I need a new car (insurance will take care of it so its not a financial worry).

I informed WW of this, because she would need to pick kids up and stuff while I got checked out. She of course was worried and it was no problem at all for her (not that I expected it to be).

When I was released from the hospital I came home, got something to eat and I tugged myself on the couch with my kids (yea I needed that). WW tugged in the kids and then came to talk about todays event, she was obviously and clearly affected by what had happened.

I was really physically and emotionally drained so I had a hard time telling her off and keeping up my facade, so I let her talk and ask questions. She then began on her own initiative to talk about how she was certain that she shouldn't be with the OM - I mustered my strength and told her, that I really was not interested in talking about anything regarding him and her, and that I found it disrespectful to bring up, as I had told her before. She apologized and then said that she really saw the changes that had happened, however so much bad behaviour and negligence of the relationship had happened (depression, 2 small kids, and two full time jobs), so she didn't think we could R ever since she would be afraid to loose her newfound attributes such as confidence and maturity. I told her, that I could understand how she would be anxious of going back to that toxic old pattern, and I was not intersted in that either, and that I also saw some sides of her now, that I had been longing for.

I told her, that this is not the time to discuss anything. That I told her last week, what I needed to tell her, and that all human beings are responsible for the choices they make, all of them, so she needed to own up to her choices.

I then went to bed, took some pain meds (thanks doc!) and today I am sore as a cowboy loosing the rodeo..

[neffer]

But with points achieved with your last night R talk. DB test approved!

Get well man, take care of yourself and keep moving forward, keep DBing!

[Hurt213]

Yea well, don't give me any applauds just yet.. Tonight I screwed up bad.

I have been sleeping most of the day (pain killer buzz), and tonight I came into the living room to be on the couch. WW had showered (left her intimate razors in the shower), and was looking real sexy in a new tight dress.

She said she would be leaving at 19.00 after the kids were sleeping, and she would be going to a girlfriends house. I somehow lost it, blame it on bad judgement, rage, pills. I don't even know...

So here goes:

I said to her, that I needed to talk with her for two minutes before she left: She came over to the couch and sat down. I said that I was really really tired of being treated with this disrespectful behaviour of hers. I said that it was none of my business where she went, but the fact that I know in my hearth that she is going to be with OM was enough (Furious to why she will be going there to do sexual activities when she the night before said she was sure she wouldn't stay with him). She then proceeded to say, that she would indeed be going to OM, and that she would be home late. I said I wouldn't want to stay in the way of her new life, so tomorrow she could mail the real estate broker, and accept his offer on putting the house up for sale. I also told her that friday we would settle the remaining financial stuff. I then proceeded to tell her what weeks where hers and which where mine with the kids, since she has been overstepping that boundary for a while, and I haven't enforced it. She agreed to all of these and said that she never changed her mind about leaving me and R was never on the table. I said okay, that was all I needed from you.

I knew instantly that I completely lost my cool and this is probably the end. Oh well...

[RyanHun]

Hurt,
I don't think you screwed up at all. It looks to me like you stood up for yourself and enforced your boundaries now just stick to them.

[Hurt213]

Thank you Ryan.

I am going to start the "After the last resort" technique from DR book. I informed her that I am prepared to set her free, and from here on out, I will have minimal contact with her. Is this advisable?

[RyanHun]

Thank you Ryan.

I am going to start the "After the last resort" technique from DR book. I informed her that I am prepared to set her free, and from here on out, I will have minimal contact with her. Is this advisable?

Hurt,
Ask yourself why. From my outside perspective it looks like you are making good progress on detaching and really letting her go. If that is the case then absolutely set her free and have minimal contact with her. Just be 100% sure that you are doing it because it is whats best for you and not to get some sort of reaction from her.

[Hurt213]

I feel like I am slowly beginning to detach, and the fact that she came home this morning at 05.00 from OM, just to be home before the kids woke, really made me question, for the first time, wether I see a future with this woman at all anymore - maybe this is part of detaching. I didn't speak two words with her this morning. I made the kids ready for daycare, had breakfast with them, then I left for work (yea 1 day was all i got off :/). I didn't have it in me to "act nice towards her", I just felt like she was a nuissance to a relaxed nice early morning - every time I look at her, and she is yawning because she hasn't slept, I get these mental pictures of what she has been up to all night with the OM, and it disgusts me.

So I am at a loss currently on how to behave, and need some advice before tonight. Basically, I have applied the "After Last resort technique" and told her that I am done, and won't stand in the way for her happiness (basically the advice many of you, including Sandi gave me - That I need to show her, and mean it! when I show her with my actions that I am done) I feel like this is indeed the only option left I haven't tried.

I feel like we shouldn't attend family Christmas things such as the local Christmas gathering this sunday with the kids, but that one of us should go? am I letting my kids down by doing it like this? I just don't think I will be having a good time right now, in her company and I won't be able to dedicate my attention to having fun with the kids 100%. Do I simply tell her, that we are not doing anything together anymore, and that that is how it has to be? The boundary for not making this impact the kids is extremely difficult for me to figure out. Furthermore, I feel like I should spend ABSOLUTELY no time together with her when im at home, is this correct? I figure I will retreat to MBR and relax when I don't GAL and she is home? What about talking to her? I feel like I should keep it at an absolute minimum, and never engage, but also only accept conversations related to the kids or family issues such as finances or other impactful things? Thats my worries as of this moment - I hope for some clarification so I can go about this the right way when I come home tonight and for the future.

In the heat of the moment, I told her that she is going to accept the real estate broker listen tonight, and that we are taking care of the last business so she can get on with her life. Was that a mistake? Did I "show my poker hand" by forcing her to move on these things, that basically ends the family? Or is it a part of detaching and saying, I am not having this anymore, go live your life? When I reflect on it, it makes me a bit excited and happy, that I in a couple of months are on my own with the kids and have new adventures waiting for me, and on the other side, it makes me sad for the sake of the family and the time my kids will miss with me vice versa.

Help is appreciated. I am confused..