26 and trying to save a marriage

[GFT00]

I’ve moved out the apartment , we’ve lived completely separate life’s for the last couple of months.

What have you been doing during that time?

I’ve been, Ive been to a couple of college football games including a conference championship game. I’ve tried to do concentrate extra hard at work. I’ve read a couple books and I’m currently reading another one, listened to a few audio books, I’ve only spoke to my DB coach twice and I have 3 more sessions left but I don’t see me using them soon since I don’t see anything happening good or bad soon. I’ve also been running, lifting weights, and gotten into intermediate fasting.

With all this said I still think about my situation a lot some days more than others. My work offers a program where you can seek therapy and they pay for x amount of services. I found a local therapist and unfortunately she isn’t available until mid Jan. This counseling won’t be for couple or relationship advice but more to treat anxiety. And I know that term gets thrown around so much lately but I do feel that it can help me. I want the best advice I can get on how to manage my thoughts.

Thanks for asking

[Ready2Change]

Sounds like you are focused on yourself which is good. Keep it up.

Being out and about interacting with people also heped me.

[AnotherStander]

Obviously I still think about her and the entire situation(a lot) but I've been reading and I've realized a lot of mistakes.

Totally normal to devote a lot of headspace to the WAS. Getting out and GAL'ing will help with that, but it does take time. I had to really, REALLY force myself to GAL. I just wanted to sit at home and wallow in misery. I really HATED GAL at first, it didn't help at all. But little by little I found myself starting to take pleasure in things and eventually I was having fun and acting like my normal self again. Sure I was still sad about my sitch, but I started to realize I was going to survive no matter what and hope started blossoming inside me. Once that process starts it tends to snowball and before you know it you are an awesome force to be reckoned with. There's something about coming out the other side of this miserable hell that makes you feel like there is literally nothing life can throw at you that you can't crush with an iron fist.

I've been running, studying for the GMAT, and I think I'm up for a promotion at the start of the year.

Excellent. Try to pick up more GAL activities that put you in with other people, especially men. When we get married we tend to drop our guy friends. Hanging out with guys has a way of triggering your alpha behavior again.

My WAW leaves to California for the Xmas break tomorrow.

Should I text her and tell her to have a good time and be safe? Or is it best not to?

So I text her on Christmas?

And lastly her birthday is in the next few weeks, should I text her happy birthday?

Well you'll get different responses on this, some will tell you that if you're dark then just don't contact her at all. Personally I tend to think if you don't say anything then it appears to the WAS like you're cold/indifferent or even angry. You don't want her think you're doing things to try and get her back, whether it's trying to "nice" her back by going overboard on gifts and ILY or "mean" her back by being cold and elusive. So my attitude is try and strike a compromise in there. Don't buy her gifts, but I think texting her Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas isn't out of line as long as you just do it and forget it and not expect a lengthy convo (if she replies in kind then don't reply back).

My work offers a program where you can seek therapy and they pay for x amount of services. I found a local therapist and unfortunately she isn’t available until mid Jan. This counseling won’t be for couple or relationship advice but more to treat anxiety. And I know that term gets thrown around so much lately but I do feel that it can help me. I want the best advice I can get on how to manage my thoughts.

Absolutely, do it! Mid-January isn't that far off. A couple of weeks probably seems like forever to you right now but nothing will change that soon, this is a marathon!

[GFT00]

Please Read and help what I'm about to type is the nail in the coffin.
I will say that a lot of you were right and I was wrong. I have paid my karma for being the OM.
I now know what my wife's 1st husband felt.
So like I said, my wife, went to California for Xmas. This past Saturday while she was in Cali
a picture came up in a work group chat(the restaurant she works at I used to) of her and another man.
This is where it gets complicated. It wasn't just any other man, it was an 18 year old that used to be a hostess there.
I never met him but he's still in HS. I was in pure shock. I could have never in a million year imagined she was cheating on me with someone 9 years younger than her. I left the apartment back in October and just doing the math of when things started to get really bad. I think she's been sleeping with him since September or August.

She took this kid with her to Cali to meet her family. He's still a senior in high school. I have a college degree and just started my career. I just don't get it. After I confronted her about her she told me it was none of my business that we weren't together anymore. She is right about that but I told her she's been sleeping with her before I had left and she knew that was the truth.

She got back into town yesterday and I obviously have no plans of contacting her. But I don't get it and if someone could help me at all trying to make any sense(although I've already been told don't try to find the logic in an illogical situation)

She turns 27 this month, he just turned 18. She has a son and he sells weeds and was arrested earlier this year for possession and she bailed him out(I got this from many sources and confronted her about it she once again said "none of your business") I always just did figure it would have been someone who could offer her and her son something I couldn't. I thought it would have been an older man with their life together. If anyone could help me in finding some logic in this please do.

But most importantly what are good sources that I can read or videos I can watch about forgiving and moving on.

I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON. I'm over her but I can't escape the thoughts of being cheated on with a little kid. I can't escape the thought of me paying the bills and rent these past few months while she had a man in the house. I can't escape the thought of some punk being around her stepson and her not seeing how this horrible.

I need resources and help. I spoke to my DB coach yesterday and he told me I had to forgive and move on. We didn't have that much time to talk after I explained the situation so if you guys could please help me by providing help in that department.

Thank you all very much.

[joejoe1]

GTF,

No one on here will be able to answer your questions (give you logic) about why your WW has done what she has done and with who. Because there's no logic.

If you and her are not together, you should stop questioning her. She doesn't owe you anything. And your questioning her is very unattractive.

You comparing yourself and your accolades might be one of the reasons your WW is with a younger man. She might feel inadequate being with you. (A little logic, maybe)

You need to heal, you need to work on letting your W go down her own path, you are not her conductor. Also, why she chose him, and why she's doing what she is doing, she probably won't be able to explain it, so it's no way any of us can.

From what you are explaining she's in looney ville, please stay out of that town.

Onward and forward

[GFT00]

GTF,

No one on here will be able to answer your questions (give you logic) about why your WW has done what she has done and with who. Because there's no logic.

If you and her are not together, you should stop questioning her. She doesn't owe you anything. And your questioning her is very unattractive.

You comparing yourself and your accolades might be one of the reasons your WW is with a younger man. She might feel inadequate being with you. (A little logic, maybe)

You need to heal, you need to work on letting your W go down her own path, you are not her conductor. Also, why she chose him, and why she's doing what she is doing, she probably won't be able to explain it, so it's no way any of us can.

From what you are explaining she's in looney ville, please stay out of that town.

Onward and forward

Thanks for answering. I questioned her that day but I’ve made peace with what she did (or I say that) but I want all the best sources to find strategies with truly moving on.

For example, so far I’ve taken her all my social media, deleted all old pictures and thrown away any pictures I had.
But there has to be other ways to speed up the process since I’ve 100% made peace with moving on.

I hope I’m making sense. I’m writing this from my phone.

[joejoe1]

GFT,

There's no speedy recovery. You have started taking the right steps to healing. From my reading, researching and video watching, GALing is the fastest way to getting heal. You will always have scares. Get out meet new people and do new things.

Oh, forgiveness is for you and not your W. Forgiveness is a way of setting yourself free from all the pain and hurt a person has caused you. The person you are forgiving could never hear you tell them that, but you know it in your heart.

Oh and move forward with love. True love is allowing a person to be free. The hardest part about love is never the holding on part, it will always be the letting go.

[GFT00]

Joejoe,

You're right,

I guess a better question and not that, that means there's a better answer is.

How can I get these thoughts out of my head? These random thoughts of her having a sexual relationship with a younger kid in our bed come in my head. I get angry and I don't hold on to the thoughts for long but they come in and go.

[ovrrnbw]

GFT,

I know I chewed your ass on page 1. I am going to encourage you to read other folks' threads and offer advice from your (OM) perspective. It may be very helpful.

You may also find answers as to why the OM is often a downgrade. And it's usually bc he connected with her emotionally in a time when she felt emotionally neglected. Your W also has formed a pattern in her behavior as well.

As for getting pissed about paying rent, well this forum has written a book about why you shouldn't pay unnecessary voluntary benefits, why you shouldn't move out, etc.

Are you guys divorced? I'm having trouble connecting the dots here based off of these statements:

I got this from many sources and confronted her about it she once again said "none of your business"

she told me it was none of my business that we weren't together anymore.

I'm from the old school. When you vow forever in front of God, church, family and friends, it means forever. If you think can just clap your hands and say "we're not together anymore", why would you ever get married? Why not make that a declaration at your wedding? Why not say "if you don't take care of me I will secure plan B and cheat on you"? And if you don't have the guts to say that upfront, that makes you a cheater on the back end.

You're being hard on your self and soft on her.

[GFT00]

Ovrrnbw,

We're not divorce or even have started the process. I'm not being soft on her, I guess I just realize this is who she was and I saw all these red flags and didn't do anything about it. I realize this was in her from the start, maybe as long as I pleased her emotionally and she was content she wouldn't leave but as soon as things became hard this is what she was going to do. She didn't have it in her to fix our marriage, her solution was always going to be to leave for OM.

Does the fact that her mom had 6 kids from 3 different fathers and was never married maybe an explanation of why her behavior is like this?

She once told me that they were(her siblings & mother) living at her uncles house and that he kicked them all because her mom took a strange man to the home.

This is the type of role model she had. I'm not justifying her behavior, I just want to move on and learn.