Firstly, I am the most reasonable person you will ever meet and my advice in most things is to wait until the big emotions have passed and you can think clearly. This is how I am professionally, and when I can manage it, how I am in my personal life.
... BUT ...
Your W takes manipulative to a whole new level and I even I would come back at her all guns blazing ... "you are being unfair", my [censored].
You will have to speak to a lawyer about what, if any spousal support you are legally required to provide and this would need to be articulated and agreed within some form of separation order. Without a separation order what support you provide for her is UP TO YOU. If you pull back all financial support, then she can insist on putting an agreement in place. She will not want to do this because she knows she is taking you for a ride and she will know that the "I supported you when you were in school" argument is a reach (she can argue future earnings in court and she might win, but can she really afford to pay for lawyers and drag this out).
Vanilla was right - if and when you D, she will still be entitled to the agreed proportion of all assets, including any accounts you hold solely in your name (so there is no hiding it) but by keeping them separate, she can't go on any wild spending sprees on your dime.
Not being a total [censored] but if you let me walk all over you the way she has, and I was of a WW mindset, I probably would have lost respect for you too.
Re the house thing - yes, get legal advice on this too. But if the lawyers say there are no legal reasons why you cant move back in (and unless you are a threat to her person, then there probably isn't), and you want to stick to your guns, prove that you are not a doormat, and you are ready for the emotional onslaught that will undoubtedly happen as a result of you moving back, then you should do it. Don't expect her to respect you (at first), she will be too busy hating you, screaming at you and generally making you as miserable as she is.
Cut her off financially though - FFS, you are paying for her to be comfortable whilst she sleeps with another man.
Oh, and she might not know this, but over here you also have to split all debts incurred during the marriage, including debts solely in one or the other parties name .. including student loans. If she has squirrelled away money into a separate account (saying they are to pay for her loans and she then spends this on hotels and holidays, then I suspect there is FA you can do about it).
Yes, get L advice. You need that info to face your future. You need to be serious about finances B. There’s no R into it. She is into WW’s world, she’ll have no mercy to get what she wants. A lawyer advice will help you figure out a fair outcome.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Not sure if I heard from Vanilla, that might have been in another thread. Honestly my head is spinning (and I'm at work) so I haven't gotten a chance to read the other threads today.
People kept telling me she was manipulative, but I never saw it. I'm maybe starting to see it.
Actually I feel much more objective when I'm shooting back, than when I was hiding in the foxhole. It's just that it was never in my nature to shoot back. So it's a learning experience. My previous attitude was, "Hey, plenty to go around, let her walk away with it, spare myself the conflict." Not anymore.
I understand most of my rights and obligations. I've consulted with L already and I'm good at self-teaching. I've read a couple books, talked to a few people, read some websites. If she wants more than 50% she will have to duke it out in court, which would be equivalent to burning 20k in a backyard fire. Of course it would also cost me the other 20k. But I have evidence of adultery and witnesses to her confessions thereof (e.g., MC). In my state adultery does not bar spousal support, but it can influence property division. There's a sort of minimum distribution (like 60-40) that the judge is required to go with, from my understanding. And I would push for "property division in lieu of support" which is, take this pile of cash and GTFO.
I will reconnect with L next Monday (we have all week off, so I can do things with professionals who keep the same hours I do).
The house thing is going to be difficult. I'll continue to contemplate that. I could theoretically do it while she's away for Thanksgiving.
I do have a slight concern that she could start using "fear of physical violence" or something to mess with me. I did throw a MAJOR temper tantrum at BD, trashed the house, stabbed a knife into the wall near her bed, and unfortunately pushed something that almost landed on her. So that could definitely work against me if she decides to play the victim. And these days the menfolk don't get no credibility in that realm.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
A word of caution. She might resort to claims of violence, ask the L how to go about defending against that.
She is very much like a school bully. She will extort you until the cows come home. Do you think the school bully respects the victim handing over lunch money every day? No. The only respect is felt when the victim fights back.
Not being a total [censored] but if you let me walk all over you the way she has, and I was of a WW mindset, I probably would have lost respect for you too.
Social skills aren't a strength in my family of origin, although we are all extremely intelligent and we like to pretend we're highly rational (I call BS on that one). So I never really understood this weird relationship between conflict and respect. W hated conflict and any time I got mildly frustrated she felt that I was being too critical. I've been the same way. So we NGSed our M to death.
That being said, the day after she said she wants S (about 2 months after BD1), I recall her looking me dead in the eye and asking, "Why would you want to be with someone who is so unsure that she wants to be with you?" My answer was pretty lame. I said, "Because that someone is YOU."
Originally Posted by Vapo
A word of caution. She might resort to claims of violence, ask the L how to go about defending against that.
Yup. But honestly even with reassurance from the L, that is the #1 reason I'm hesitant to move in. That, and the 2-year lease I had to sign on the new place.
Originally Posted by Vapo
She is very much like a school bully. She will extort you until the cows come home. Do you think the school bully respects the victim handing over lunch money every day? No. The only respect is felt when the victim fights back.
Some people have gone out on a limb and said that she was always somewhat of a bully. I didn't see it. I see it now. What happened to my W? Oh well.
Edit: I sort of want to go enjoy my evening now, but the last thing she said was the threat that she would get a L. Do I have to respond to that and perpetuate this noise, or can I let it hang?
Last edited by burned; 11/16/1809:22 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
She is very much like a school bully. She will extort you until the cows come home. Do you think the school bully respects the victim handing over lunch money every day? No. The only respect is felt when the victim fights back.
Some people have gone out on a limb and said that she was always somewhat of a bully. I didn't see it. I see it now. What happened to my W? Oh well.
Edit: I sort of want to go enjoy my evening now, but the last thing she said was the threat that she would get a L. Do I have to respond to that and perpetuate this noise, or can I let it hang?
For fcuck's sake, what part of Talk is cheap, time for talking is over, did you not understand. Did she ask you a question? No. And even if she did ask you a question, did it warrant an answer? NO! Keep your trap shut and talk with actions.
No more talks for you man. That’s the way she exerts her control over you B. So she applies her victim role. Don’t get in there. Show her you are standing for yourself and getting into movement. Action!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
