BM, be careful. Your STBXW has shown a penchant for manipulation. This could be another attempt to get the mediation agreement nullified.
I totally agree and expect that to be the true case. I'm not changing course...just trying to come up with the money for a lawyer. That's the hard part. I called around, I may be able to get $1,200 for my old car. But the lawyers here want $5,000-7,000 retainers. I'm definitely trying to find an option that works, but this is also DEFINITELY an uphill challenge.
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Don't dismiss Joe's perspective. Whether you see it or not, your STBXW certainly does.
It just now occurred to me that that makes a bit of sense...although it doesn't match what I was *actually* doing, other people are likely to interpret it differently.
That's frustrating. No wonder I get stand-offish. But then...that frustration likely gets interpreted as me just being a d!c# that wants to argue...when it's the opposite inside my mind.
Man, life would be so much easier if I could just express my thoughts and feelings in ways that people actually could understand. I know that's not their flaw...it's mine. I just don't know how to fix it.
BM, very well done on this. Yes, we don't always understand how others are perceiving us. I know my W has to keep me mindful of that as I interact with my D15. I am trying to be better about self-awareness myself like this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
After she told me about her day, work, etc., she paused and then said "Why did you apologize to me?"
I told her "because I felt like my attitude was bad, It didn't feel right how I texted you."
She said "What's the real reason?"
Me: "...that is the real reason."
Then she decided it was bs and started to get snippy with me. She said that I need to listen to her and not ignore her, and started talking about the car insurance. She got in the car and drove off, after cutting me off from asking her to explain what she meant.
BM, remember to validate at times like this. You and your W have a penchant for slowly escalating convos like this into a fight. You think it's her fault, she probably thinks it's yours. But the bottom line is y'all fight a lot over really minor things. So in the above, you could have said something like "it sounds like you feel like I'm being dishonest, I'm just trying to express my feelings to you but I am sorry I'm making you feel like you can't trust me." When you respond like this it immediately defuses the situation. You are not accepting blame, merely acknowledging her feelings. Right?
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W: I just wanted to know why you apologized. And I don't feel like I got an honest answer, so I got a little snippy.
M: That was an honest answer.
You are antagonizing her. Validating response: "I'm sorry you felt like I wasn't being honest."
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W: Sorry that I got snippy. Once I got irritated, I went into "avoid a fight" mode which usually involves cutting you off so that I can leave to avoid said fight.
M: But that makes fights...but I understand..
That is an invalidating response (as is most anything that begins with "but").
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W: That's the difference between you and me. When I noticed myself starting to get irritated, I tried to leave the situation to cool down. You want to continue, which only antagonizes my irritation. I have always been the person to leave rather than to argue. You know this. Neither one of us get anywhere when we are arguing. We both lose. S loses.
M: I was being sincere. I don't like the way I handled things. I wasn't nice, and I was very rude. I know you like space when you get angry, and until the split, I tried to make sure you had it. Even if I just sat quietly.
That's actually a good, validating response. And that's where you should have stopped. Because...
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I still care about you (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT, BAD DB...SORRY) but I'm tired of feeling like I've been walked on. Even if that wasn't your intent, it's how it feels. For me, not talking things out has always bothered me. I've always been that way. I prefer quick resolution. I understand that we are different in that respect.
...you just turned it from validating to all about YOU. YOUR wants and needs. Do you think a WAS cares about your wants and needs? Nope. Even if you are hellbent on D you've got to stop making everything about you and work on your validation. This is all just sounding like "more of the same" to her.
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W: I'm not against talking things out, but the heat of the moment is not the time or place. No one wins. No one hears each other and the situation between you and I has escalated to the point that the moment I feel irritation towards you, I know that's my cue to leave. So when I leave, it's not to make you feel cut off or walked on, it's to save us from the fight about to happen. Have a good night.
^^^READ this, UNDERSTAND this, RESPECT this.^^^ She is giving you some good insight here.
Not much different than it was before. Mostly quiet on the home front. S and I bought a clothes washer for the apartment, so no more having to drive across town! Yay! Plus, he's been learning how to help clean up a bit, so that's good.
So...I did a thing back in September, the night before the D was supposed to happen. I wrote W an email that was basically really, really honest about how I felt about her...but it was patterned after the "final letter" thing that the DB book (I think, or something else) had laid out...basically to just give myself closure (since she hasn't done it, and didn't have plans to). It was kind of a goodbye, thanks for the memories, and I'm sorry I wasn't better for you thing.
Of course, she didn't bother reading it.
Last night, W called me at 11:45 pm. S was staying at her house, so I answered in case it was an emergency...it was an odd time for her to call. She was crying. She had just read it.
She was upset about something in it (although there was NO negativity towards her at all in it, and overall it was a positive email).
She wouldn't say why she was crying, she just said "I shouldn't have called, I shouldn't say what I want to say..." so I said "Okay, well, I hope you have a good night and get some rest" and I ended the call.
Oh...then this morning, she texted me to say "Hey, good morning, just letting you know our cars will be iced up today, so you may want to start your car early."
Oh jeez. I wouldn't have responded to that text. When she was going on and on about how she shouldn't have called I'd probably have just said "OK, that's no problem".
She was trying to bait you in and get you to say "Oh, what is it? Tell me. Tell me! I love you, please take me back!"
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Oh jeez. I wouldn't have responded to that text. When she was going on and on about how she shouldn't have called I'd probably have just said "OK, that's no problem".
I answered because she had S with her, it was 11:45 at night, and I don't trust her judgment.
When she went on and on...I DID basically say OK, no problem and get off the call.
W wants me to ask her for help, and wants me to need her help with life.
But I don't.
She called this morning about a dr appt she made for Monday for S because she thought he was almost out of meds...I only sent enough with him to last while he was gone so that there wasn't confusion when we trade him off later. She didn't think about that though, and she literally refilled his meds a week ago.
I told her about only sending some, he's not low, he's got plenty at home.
She said that she wants to take S to her family's Thanksgiving event, I said that was fine (my family is over 1,200 miles away). Next Friday, I have to work but the daycare is closed...I haven't made plans for that yet. W was crying asking me not to use the sitter downstairs (her adult children have had drug issues), which is valid. I said I'd come up with something else. She called back a few minutes later, still crying, and said her mom would watch S that day. I said that would be ok (because frankly I don't have ANY sitter options).
W: "This would be easy, you just have to ask me for help!"
Me: "I'm fine. I can figure this stuff out. I haven't had a chance though, and I'm low on options. But thank you."
