Ovr, we are in somewhat similar situations. W and I just started MC.
As difficult as it may be, I am trying to focus on her needs and her reasons for leaving. There will be time to address my pain "later" ... if I am fortunate enough to be given the opportunity for a "later."
Trying to listen and understand without judgment, without expectations for any particular outcome.
Trying to internalize this frame of mind: - accept her emotional reality; - affirm that I understand how my words and actions led to her emotional reality; - celebrate her courage for willing to sit, talk, and enter into a vulnerable state despite her fears and distrust.
Patience, I tell myself and I tell you. At each session, my only goal is to defuse any pressures and fears so that she will be willing to meet for a next session. She is a precious, fragile rose that cannot be forced to open up to me. If she chooses to trust me again, it will be on her own terms.
As you know I have had to keep my parents at arms length during this period
It hurts them but it just has to be that way right now
Curious to know how MC went
Do you think it helps at this stage
If it helps the great
If it does not then consider pushing your timeframe back
Healing takes time and think MC can be counterproductive if both parties are not ready
High five to you
I am really happy for you
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
First MC session went well but now I have another dilemna.
W had the day off yesterday b/c the kids she watches were sick. Said she was going to go to TJ Max, Here Today.
I think she also said she went to a friend's yesterday. I just got around to looking at the car app today. Looks like her car was parked in a parking lot by OM's parent's house, which is also by OM's apt. OM may have been moving back to his parents' house, but she was at OM's parents' house for a while during the height of the affair. So this is concerning.
I also called her in the later afternoon and she didn't answer.
I called her once earlier afternoon and we talked on the phone for a couple minutes. W was asking about going to my mom's house with me last night. W wanted to know if she was invited by my Mom. This was about the same time her car was parked, according to the app. Even the day before, W was considering going or not so why would she be asking if she already had plans with OM?
I hate playing super sleuth. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. My strategy before was if she wanted the OM again that really there was nothing I could do about so don't go snooping and worrying to death. If she left, I'd know it. And last night, she came home.
The other dilemna I have is that W is adamant about it not being an affair. She keeps going back to "I was done. I was planning on a divorce". I'm to the point where telling the truth and being firm doesn't help b/c it just leads to the same argument. For those that have been following, W never moved out, never separated finances, exploited me financially, and is now on her 5th "try" with me. Every time she stopped "trying" it was with a lie, a deception, or not a peep. Are we here again? And if we are what will I do? I see no point in confronting it yet, b/c what am I going to do if she did see OM?
A few days ago, I told W that we may not see my mom for Thanksgiving b/c she may not want to be around us (specifically my W). W was telling my how my mom is wrong for not wanting to see her. She brings up my Mom's divorce and how she thinks my mom had an affair. I don't know if my Mom did or not but I've never asked. And even if my Mom did, it doesn't justify W doing it as well.
So the takeaway is that W wants her life to go back to easy street and sweep everything under the rug. Everything her and her counselor talk about is about other people and how they have screwed up. Her counselor told her it's not an affair, W said. W has not focused on any of her wrongdoings yet. Well I'm sure W isn't telling the truth, but oh well, it's out of my hands.
W think the MC is not good and wants to find a new one. W's IC said that the MC may not be neutral. So W wants to find a new MC. She also brought up seeing the priest who married us b/c we did have some great pre marriage meetings with him. I have a message out to him.
I think I need to go back to keeping my feelings to myself. W does seem to appreciate some pursuit - for example I turned on her heated seat for her. She even said she wants to be taken care of. OK. A few weeks ago she sounded pleasantly surprised that I had called her on her commute to work in the AM. She is wanting to be held and hugged. I've been helping her when she asks to do a project around the house and trying to make it fun. I've been going shopping with her. We haven't kissed, and she hasn't been wearing her ring all the time but sometimes. I asked her about it, but I'm going to stop that.
Good Lord I wrote a book!!!! And I was all over the place, so thanks to all that read it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrr, I haven't read your whole thread, just these two pages. you mentioned in page one on some post you're working on R? from the two page posts, doesnt seem like that to me. your W seem's to be doing what my EXW did, just going with the flow... Also, In my humble opinion, om or no om, wife will make her own decision to work on R or not. The tracker is only hurting YOU, guard yourself and take care of yourself, the less you know, the better. I'll try to read all your thread but from the two pages, those are my thoughts for now. cheesy
OK for an FYI, this "try" she has been home since Oct 14. She brought up the R on Oct 14 and said she wanted to work on it, I laid out the boundaries (MC, no OM, communication, fun/dates) and we moved forward from there.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I think she also said she went to a friend's yesterday. I just got around to looking at the car app today. Looks like her car was parked in a parking lot by OM's parent's house, which is also by OM's apt. OM may have been moving back to his parents' house, but she was at OM's parents' house for a while during the height of the affair. So this is concerning.
Well, she said she was going to a friend's, and she considers OM a "friend", so I'm sure she thinks that technically she didn't do anything wrong. Who thinks like that? A wayward wife, that's who.
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I also called her in the later afternoon and she didn't answer.
Red alert.
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I hate playing super sleuth. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. My strategy before was if she wanted the OM again that really there was nothing I could do about so don't go snooping and worrying to death. If she left, I'd know it. And last night, she came home.
Well part of DB'ing is we say not to snoop because the info you gather can be very confusing and easily misunderstood. But in piecing when a former cheater is involved it's not unusual for the LBS to demand full phone access and vehicle tracking. That would be controlling in a normal relationship, but recovering from cheating requires some pretty drastic measures so the WAS can rebuild trust with the LBS. I suspect your W would never allow such access, which is a red flag in itself.
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I see no point in confronting it yet, b/c what am I going to do if she did see OM?
That is the real question, what will you do. I don't care if she says they are just friends, if I'm married I would not accept my W going and hanging out with an opposite sex "friend" at his house, ESPECIALLY if she's not telling me about it. So assuming it happened, what would you do? Figure that out first, then confront her about it and be prepared to take whatever action that is. If and when you confront her, don't tell her how you know. It's enough that you know. If you tell her how then she will A) make you out to be the bad guy for snooping and B) go deeper undercover, like turn her phone off so you can't track her.
I've "been through the ringer" on all of this. So I am not that worried. It would suck if she snuck off to see OM, but I'm so over it at this point. The only thing that would keep me from filing would be my faith.
MC went OK last night. MC and W kept trying to go to the subject of my mom potentially not wanting my W around for Thanksgiving. My W is all bent out of shape b/c I told her not to expect that we will see her b/c who knows. W just wants easy street, magic wand, and back to marriage I think.
Made W laugh pretty good at MC and listened mostly. Shared too much one time, and pulled back after that.
Meeting with the priest who married us in a couple of weeks, which was a suggestion made by W. Priest is a young guy, but she probably isn't going to like everything he has to say. He used to "call me out" on my BS all the time.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I've "been through the ringer" on all of this. So I am not that worried. It would suck if she snuck off to see OM, but I'm so over it at this point.
As strange as it may sound, that's actually a healthy place to be- that's detached!
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W just wants easy street, magic wand, and back to marriage I think.
Yeah, I don't doubt that. Actually I have two friends that let their W's off the hook when they returned. They didn't pressure them for MC or anything like we suggest here (neither one of them knew about DB'ing, their separations took place before my BD so I didn't either). So far both are still doing fine with their wives. Maybe the timer is counting down to BD #2 but it seems like their W's just went through something temporary, a sort of mini-MLC. Anyway not saying to change what you're doing, but your comment got me to thinking about that.
Originally Posted by cheesyt
so nice to see gordie and anoherstander still around. hi guys!
