You may have berated or nitpicked your wife but you've also only been married for a short time and it's a big adjustment the first few years going from being single to dating to engaged to married. Sometimes it takes a while for a husband and wife to adapt to one another and to learn how to avoid behaviors that'll bother or provoke the other. We're all like that to some degree. Nothing that you describe would justify your wife having an affair. An affair is just wrong no matter what. You've endured a lot already. How much more do you feel you can endure while your wife does these things? Just like most of us you sound committed to rebuilding the marriage but I guess sometimes it just doesn't happen fast and there's no guarantee that it'll work. Perhaps you can plan for both scenarios - for your wife coming back again and for moving on if she doesn't. You're still young and you have no kids so it'd be fairly easy for you to start over with another woman when the time is right. It's worth keeping that in mind! If you spend another ten years in turmoil with your wife, knowing she has these tendencies even if she comes back, you might find yourself divorced with kids and at that point it's not quite so easy to bounce back like it would be now. It's worth considering both short and long-term prospects.
Ovr, you have suggested more than once that you like my advice, so I wanted to let you know that I'm making my way here. I started at the beginning of your sitch, but I'm only on thread two (I'm a slow reader). So I'll be back, and hopefully with something good to add! ... so far you remind me a lot of my H, so this should be interesting ...
If you have not read NMMNG, then order it today! :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hey guys, thanks for responding! I was definitely worked up on Thanksgiving but have settled down. Hung with my sister Friday, watched college football and started rereading DR. Left at 1:00 AM Sunday morning on 1 day hunting trip, which was a ton of fun.
Originally Posted by neffer
It’s good to acknowledge your mistakes (yeah, see who’s saying it...) and improve yourself.
I think this was self deprecation, but I'm not sure what you meant!
Nicole, my behavior wasn't unfortunately any different before our engagement and was just as abhorrent when we were dating.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
You're still young and you have no kids so it'd be fairly easy for you to start over with another woman when the time is right. It's worth keeping that in mind! If you spend another ten years in turmoil with your wife, knowing she has these tendencies even if she comes back, you might find yourself divorced with kids and at that point it's not quite so easy to bounce back like it would be now.
I've thought about this and plenty of my friends and family have mentioned it as well. I just am not ready to file. I've thought about it more in the last few days, but I'm still emotional over this whole deal. Plus I want to honor my vows. Part of me feels like I owe her and I owe the marriage because I contributed the lion's share of the downfall. Plus my religious views aren't permissive of divorce either. I think the Church's view on it is there to reinforce the notion that 2 people can make it work whenever they want to. The flip side being that it will take her effort if this is ever to change.
Blu, thanks for stopping in!! I saw you and Cheesy both in my thread! I do enjoy the tenured folks here as much as the newbies like myself.
My latest dilemma comes in the following forms
1. I told FIL a week or two back (you know, when things were just MARVELOUS!) that I'd help him on his boat. He needs me there to help chain up his boat and lift it in the air with his bobcat for the aluminum welder to work on. On Thursday of last week, FIL and MIL showed how insensitive they are to my suffering and my family's suffering over this and my W took off back to OM's house. I haven't confirmed her location at OM's house (excuse me, OM's parent's house) b/c I haven't looked at our car's app - because I generally am trying to not snoop - but I'd bet my butt that's where she ran off. FIL called last night and asked me to meet him at his lake house 2.5 hours away to help him on Tuesday. I told him OK, since I did agree to it. But it just feels like garbage b/c FIL doesn't really give a crap about me, what his daughter/my W is doing.
2. W suggested we meet with the priest who married us instead of a MC, so a couple weeks back we set an appointment to meet with him. That appointment is tomorrow night. We both had great growth and conversations in our monthly get togethers with the priest when we were engaged for 12 months, which is why W wanted to meet with him. I want to remind W that this was her idea and that appointment is tomorrow. I'm pretty sure, but not positive, that W has it on her calendar. Advice on this is appreciated. My logical and DB mind tell me to say nothing, that she'll say "no thanks" and realize that I'm still on the hook.
W called me and texted 3 times early Saturday. I didn't answer the call. She texted about bills drafting from her/our joint account. So I wrote a check and texted the picture to her for my half of those bills and said nothing. She has mobile deposit and can deposit it that way. Saturday evening, she texted me to ask if I was home. I responded "no". We were supposed to have the inlaws (FIL, MIL, SIL, SIL's fiancee) over Saturday so I went out and about.
When I got home from our trip yesteday, W, SIL, and SIL's fiancee were there. I don't know what they were doing and didn't ask. W said one or two small things before quickly leaving, and forgetting to leave the garage door open for me. W's memory has gotten horrible since BD, it used to be really good. Then W texts me yesterday "I planted the plants". The plants were ones we bought 3 weeks back that didn't make it in the ground right away. I had already noticed she did this. I didn't respond, but I screenshotted it to my sister because W is trying to have these "normal" conversations with me and it's just BS in my opinion.
Another book from Over!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ask yourself what do you want to do. Then go one way or the other. Cool, calm and collected. Expectations stored in the freezer if you get together to talk with the priest. You are walking your road Over, it´s gonna be her loss.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Still looking for advice but Mrs. Over just texted to ask when the meeting with the priest is and if I was still wanting to go. I just llloooovvveee the consistent inconsistency. It brings my life excitement, pure excitement. Never know what today has in store....
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Still looking for advice but Mrs. Over just texted to ask when the meeting with the priest is and if I was still wanting to go. I just llloooovvveee the consistent inconsistency. It brings my life excitement, pure excitement. Never know what today has in store....
Couple of things and they are all going to sound harsh....
Blood is thicker than water. Unfortunately, in most cases a parent is going to put their child above the child's spouse regardless if the child is in the wrong. Its selfish, stupid, and being ignorant of their daughters terrible behavior/choices, but she is their daughter and you are just the guy who married her.
I don't know how strong your wife is in the Catholic faith, but the church teaches that while a man and woman can divorce civilly, in God's eyes that covenant cannot be broken by man. Neither of you will be able to remarry in the Catholic church, and it is considered a mortal sin to do so without an annulment or upon the death of the spouse. Also if your wife is with OM, ie committed adultry, she cannot receive the Eucharist, both actions are mortal sins. It's even a sin for a priest to knowingly administer the eucharist to an adulterer. Hopefully, if your priest is worth his salt he can shock her with this info. These are hard truths and are things I am personally struggling with deeply.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Hi Ovrrnbw, how did it go with the priest? Does the priest know your wife is having an affair? I hope it went well and led to a productive conversation!
Still looking for advice but Mrs. Over just texted to ask when the meeting with the priest is and if I was still wanting to go. I just llloooovvveee the consistent inconsistency. It brings my life excitement, pure excitement. Never know what today has in store....
Yes, That is the harder part to deal with as a LBS. One minute, "I want a D". The next they talk about staying together. The next they have one foot out the door.
I've told this story before. In my sitch, on a Friday night about a month in I told my W I wouldn't even consider staying together without full transparency. Meaning I had full access to her smart phone, email, computer, etc. She immediately told me "Ok then I need to work on my resume." The next day she spent half the day working on her resume. And then she came into the livingroom and tearfully talked to me about how she knew D was wrong, that God hated it, that she wanted to want to stay and keep the family together. It seemed like a real breakthrough.
4 days later I found a full profile, complete with picture and a long paragraph about her current sitch (still married but definitely going to D, so she couldn't date now but wanted to see what was available and would be able to date at a later date).
Yes, That is the harder part to deal with as a LBS. One minute, "I want a D". The next they talk about staying together. The next they have one foot out the door.
I've told this story before. In my sitch, on a Friday night about a month in I told my W I wouldn't even consider staying together without full transparency. Meaning I had full access to her smart phone, email, computer, etc. She immediately told me "Ok then I need to work on my resume." The next day she spent half the day working on her resume. And then she came into the livingroom and tearfully talked to me about how she knew D was wrong, that God hated it, that she wanted to want to stay and keep the family together. It seemed like a real breakthrough.
4 days later I found a full profile, complete with picture and a long paragraph about her current sitch (still married but definitely going to D, so she couldn't date now but wanted to see what was available and would be able to date at a later date).
