What a beautiful post Turbine. Thank-you. I hope you were able to enjoy a wonderful dinner with many beloved friends and family members in attendance. They are, after all, what life is all about. (((HUGS))) to you and yours.
Went with my S and his GF to her family. Her mom is Puerto Rican, so we had a non traditional menu. Very good food still. Managed to not eat to bursting either. Played pool in the basement with my son and two of his GF family. Yeah a little trash talking going on. My pool skills are slop and take what I put in. Called shots are not happening either. Won a few games, mostly because we got lucky. Had a run of three in a row.
Played a game of Monopoly (Fallout Edition) Lost in spectacular fashion too. Still fun. Made a few landings on properties where it was owned but got a free pass. Them's the rules .
So now I am watching the Christmas Chronicles with my grandsons. Looks like a tear jerker. Not in front of the grandsons. Too hard to explain to them. Although my D is divorced from their dad so maybe not. The hard part would be explaining my tears.
Now for some serious thoughts.
Spent the night and the night before at my daughters. Mini breakfast quesadillas. Yummy.
Anyway she had picked me up since parking is fun near her place. Gotta park on the street. What ever, it is what it is. So when she picked me up she was talking on her phone helping a friend with some homework. The friend had to interview someone. Personal goal questions, regrets, wishes she could have happen. All sorts of stuff. Why is this important you might wonder. Well it matters. Because this segues to this.
Conversation lead to the sitch. Our kids know. I generally and by that mean really not longer say much about this to them, about this. 2x4... got it.
Love is blind. I guess that my W isn't exactly what I remember or perceive her to be. Some of this was brought up before. I was told by my daughter that her mom, my W , that things were said that no mother should ever say to their children. Our oldest has hinted at this before too.
When W was pregnant with our S, we had gone to breakfast. Just the two of us. W told me she wanted to get an abortion. She didn't. I found that horrible at the time since it went against the Church beliefs.
So maybe I am fighting for something that didn't exist.
Overthinking this? Its what I do. Helpful? Yeah... no.
So there is stuff long suppressed by me. I know all this but have been overlooking it. For a very long time.
Is this an epiphany for me? Guess so.
So now the question becomes do I want to try to save my MR with her. There is a lot of history between us, good memories and bad memories.
Thoughts to help me focus here are greatly appreciated.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
We are all imperfect Turbine. We say things we later regret. We do things we later regret. Hopefully we learn from those things and become better people along the way. I think you are starting to see your W’s flaws and with everything that has happened, her good qualities are fading into the background a little bit. I think that is part of detaching...to see them as they are and not as they were or how we would like them to be. I think that question of whether or not you want to save the MR is one that you will face many times over the coming months. For me, that is a no-brainer at the moment. I do. Probably a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have two children who still need both of their parents in their lives as much as possible and a D would alter their world substantially. If it were just me that I was fighting for, I think I would probably move on quicker. Whether or not you want to R with your W is a question that only you can answer. I think you are just moving toward detachment so it is normal for you to start to think about what it is YOU want instead of what she wants. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Just keep DBing and GAL and I think you will know what to decide when it is time. (((HUGS)))
I wish there was a way to get a real hug or hand shake from the folks here. Until then the offer is more than welcome. Support is support right.
To actually D or not. Since she is the initiator of this I guess I have little say in whether it continues or not. Unless she withdraws the whole thing. I pray it happens. We find a way to get MR 2.0. That's if it happens and I still wish to proceed along that path. You are right. I can see some new levels of garbage on this roller coaster.
Your correct. Neither of us is perfect. That level of honesty is difficult, especially when it is what you have to face. I have done and said things I regret. Not just to her. Many people. I am ashamed of these times. I would take everyone of them back and do better. Remain silent or say a kinder word. That power is beyond any of us. I'd imagine many would do just that. Correct their mistakes. In the meanwhile we try to learn and do better in the future.
So now I need to think about this. I really wonder now if getting a coach would be worth it. Maybe now more than ever because this is a major turning point. Am I wrong in this assessment? I know I have to decide that my self. So the question is did I miss anything? Overlook anything? So if you have been following along and have a thought, please I humbly ask you share. I have made mistakes. I accept that and will accept the ones I make in the future. Thank you.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
So now I need to think about this. I really wonder now if getting a coach would be worth it. Maybe now more than ever because this is a major turning point. Am I wrong in this assessment? I know I have to decide that my self.
Having someone professional to talk to - and none of us here are professional - is a heck of a good idea.
Because many men have trouble reaching out for help or even admitting they need it, I'll use one of my many bad analogies. When my furnace breaks, I could "maybe" fix it myself but instead I call a professional who has seen broken furnaces many times and knows what to do. When "I" was broken I saw someone who knew about minds and hearts and they gave me the tools and perspective I needed to heal.
I believe you maintain and fix complex equipment. I'm sure you know when to sub-contract to the "pros". That could be a coach, a therapist or someone you respect within your faith community. The key thing is to have someone who doesn't judge on why the part was broken but focuses on making it run smoothly again.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You're starting to let go. You're starting to feel a little better, and it seems you are realizing that not everything is within your control. So you've moved to do something more interesting, more productive, and more fun. But you aren't fully over it, which is OK. You just need to remember to keep a positive attitude and the mindset that you are going make a new life. You don't control whether your W remains a part of that new life, but embrace the new life either way.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I have realized it for a little longer. On the intellectual level. On the emotional level. Maybe just recently. So am I through a door so to speak? I'd say more like I cracked it open and it is moving so I could step through. Still it is progress. That is a good thing.
Other stuff.
SiL became a deaconess at church. W and BiL were there too. So I saw W at church. Ignored each other. Not going for her benefit. Might have made that gesture at first. But I told the minister I don't want this to be a stunt or trick. After visiting the cemetery... well I talked about that before.
Spent the day doing my stuff.
Going to research the phone coaching a little more. Really inclined to pull that trigger. Don't get me wrong about this. All of you are great and very supporting. I feel I need to get a pro as AndrewP suggested. I am good at my job. I tap into the collective experience at work when I run into a wall. Those walls are getting further apart and/or lower. Well... the wall I am facing with this whole W, BD, R and MR to get to a better version... yeah... its time.
I suspect any of them will be fantastic. Does is matter there is the culture difference between W and me? Even after this long? Not sure how Americanized she is or isn't. I should though... another area to improve if given the chance.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Nasty winter weather overnight. Late start at work because of that. It is what it is. W did clean my car off while I was shoveling the driveway. Sidenote, nothing more.
With consideration to getting a DB coach I am crawling those forums too. I took the time to read and print out the thread by soccerwife about prepping for her first call. All of that seems to be good advice so even before I do this I have homework.
No matter how this ends; Turbine 2.0, MR 2.0 or D, I will have done everything I could. At least I pray that will be the case.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
After a short day at work I got home to find the driveway hadn't been worked on . Disappointed yes. So I grabbed a shovel and dug out some more.
This morning I see that the little bit on the side was dug out so my W could get past her brother's car. Really???
Expectation level too high or just looking for common decency? Beats the daylights out of me.
So reading DB in prep to calling a coach. At the start of Chapter 8, Step 7. I need to make sure I am not going on autopilot. So dangerous per MWD. Feel like I am backsliding or maybe burning out. Could even be just frustration with rate of progress. Or lack of noticeable progress. Reading is getting so difficult right now considering the material being presented.
Makes me wonder. Am I doing this for me? For her? Is this the right reason?
W can be incredibly stubborn and when she says something she generally means it. So when she said never getting back together... Does that fit into the believe nothing they say and half of what they do? I mean she hasn't moved out of the house. We don't talk to each other worth mentioning. Maybe I am playing that amount down. Got to think about that one.
Am I wasting my time on trying to save the whole thing and this is now just for me?
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Hey T! You are working for yourself; yes, it does fit into believe nothing that they say; it´s for you now, but you are a DBer, remember that! Three in a row!
