Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Davide]

All in all the past 48 hours feel like a back slide. Dark backslide.

It is normal to have down days. What are you doing to counter that? What are you doing to GAL, to feel good about yourself. The best way to get out of your head is to take action. Do something, even if, ESPECIALLY if you don't feel like it.

You will get through this. Hang in there.

[Turbine]

Besides working out? Got plans to go see the new Harry Potter 'verse movie with my D and grandsons. Although that is next weekend. Been singing. Really like Josh Turner's stuff. I wish I had that vocal range consistently. Lunch
with Ray. Today with my S. Going to have to cook supper tonight. Probably a chicken breast with some veggies.

Having to deal with some more fallout with my sister. Not happy about having to take care of her. She is 54 years old and because of the special needs trust... thanks Mom.

Starting plans for turkey day. Got to allow fro OT at work with the amount still scheduled for me and the short week. I did offer to work the day after. We'll see how that is needed. Give me something to do on the long weekend. Might spend the time at my D house.

I had moved some flower pots to the back yard. W asked me if I threw them out. Moved them to the back so shoveling will be easier.

I know... all past actions.

Talked to a guy here the the FLGS (Favorite Local Game Store) who is play testing a new game based on the War of 1812 set on the Great Lakes/New York/Ohio theater. Game looks really neat so I am going to try to get together with him to give it a go.

I think I am reaching the limit of what I can do at home with the weights I have. So either more or join a gym. W has a membership at one so going to another place seems best. Although why should I care what she thinks where I go to workout. Maybe the one that is 24 hour and not the one she goes to. Common activity... later. For now not a good idea.

[Turbine]

W was home when I got home. Means we don't have to drive on the grass in the morning. She is cooking some veggies. May offer me some, may not. Not asking nor expecting. Very brief exchange I initiated. Offered there was thawed chicken breast in the fridge if she wanted. Asked if she had any garbage in her room to go to the curb. Ignored the first, curt reply to the second. Response to the second was I'm taking the garbage out, nothing more.

She doesn't ever take it out so it is a chore either my BiL or I attend to.

So... is that bad Turbine, stop doing that or Okay Turbine you aren't walking on eggshells around Mrs. Turbine. I wasn't looking for anything from her. Okay, maybe whatever garbage she had in her room which I don't care about more than getting it to the curb.

I suppose I have over the course of our marriage not said no to her often enough or more likely over the wrong stuff. Yes I would be upset when I was trying to be amorous and she rebuffed me. Not romantic enough, wrong time, whatever. Big time bad on me. That's on me. Assuming I could read her mind... Nope... her not me. Yes I want to do better, preferably with her. No I am not telling her that now. Will I get to? God willing yes. In the meantime I need to work on Turbine 2.0, so I have a chance at MR 2.0.

Talking with my aunt I learned she is not hosting Thanksgiving. She is getting over a bug. One of their friends is fighting a fever right now and her son has bronchitis. All of which adds up to a hostile environment for her daughter who has started chemo. If it weren't for bad luck I think my family would have none. If I believed in reincarnation I'd suspect my family is the Borgia's come back and this is karma. Fortunately I don't.

Another big goal is to not do something really stupid right now. Because I can go stupid moves really well. Even after thinking about them in the way laid out in DR. Will this advance me toward my goal or force a retreat?

I try to ensure that what I think is making it to the screen. Because even proof reading I find I am filling in what I wrote with extra details. So if something comes across as a head scratcher, please ask.

[Turbine]

Okay, W did offer. I accepted. Big picture... means nothing. Confusing signals is all. Told her thank you. Be civil right. I'd be deluding myself if it meant anything.

Back to working on me.

[AnotherStander]

Hang in there T! In-house separations are the worst. Do join a gym, that'll help get you out of the house. Plus there's a lot more energy in a gym environment than home. Join a different one than W, absolutely. You don't want to set yourself up to cross paths with her. I can't believe you have that many grandkids and are younger than me, I still can't wrap my head around the idea of being a grandfather! Hasn't happened yet but it's inevitable Enjoy your Thanksgiving! Act "as if" if you have to!

[Adam04]

Hi Turbine,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. Draw strength from your Faith and Believe in the Process. I hope you find peace where at least the sleeping gets better. That would be a good start.

I am H43(me)W43, 24T 14M S10 S6 with WW and first two months were tough but once I started to let go, things became easier. You will get there. I had been drinking and taking pills to sleep. My boys sleep in the room with W and when I put the little one to sleep sometimes I would lay at the edge of the bed to just be with them all, I would get drowsy then walk to the MBR thinking my W would follow. I would have dreams of her and wake up thinking she would materialize by me saying it was all a bad dream. I get the pain, but once you let go it gets easier to deal with. I hope that time comes soon for you.

I'm no expert, just another guy sharing his thoughts... We all have to go through this stage, but we will also eventually come to terms and accept things for what they are. How or when, that's up to each individual, but if you listen to the ones who have been there and take the advice, maybe not today or tomorrow, you will be a better person for it.

I haven't read every post, but from pages of what I did read, I saw a lot holding onto the past, a lot of "things" you were doing, but were any of those actions taken done with a purpose for you, with you in mind, like what is your goal for yourself. I seen a lot of actions, what about self reflecting, slowing it down, believing in it will be better no matter what that outcome will be like. I know it's hard to let go, but keep the focus on other things for yourself. I sense you are , like many of us, wanting to make these changes so W can see and take us back to R, gotta expect nothing. This way it's genuine and not manipulative and you aren't let down if nothing happens which often times can seem like the case, but I won't go all psychoanalytical.

Have you tried the thought block process in the DR book? If you think 31 years or W or D, if anything causes you to start feeling down, immediately force yourself to think of something good, something to help recenter you, so you're at peace. You're blessed with kids and grandkids. It's like the glass half full, half empty expression. The glass and water aren't going away but how will you look at life.

Just wanted to reach out. Wake up and tell yourself something positive. What do you want to be or do. Who is this better person? Then be that person for one day. I woke telling myself, Be the rock, respect her, be there for the kids, expect nothing.

[Turbine]

Lets see. A few things have been brought up and I will try to address them as best I can.

Join another gym so to not cross paths with her. I can see that being far less distracting and not in her face. The one she goes to has a hot tub and swimming pool. We go to the Philippines and what does she wear? A one piece. At the gym... a bikini. How is that even close to being less than a are you kidding? Yeah so not happy with that thought.

Not the point of going I know an doing so would be snooping. She is my wife. Whiskey Tango...
Yeah let it go...

Checked into archery equipment at Cabela's. Not cheap. More digging there.

Stuff and things I have done.

Tattoo. Obtained when I visited oldest D and artwork by her BF. Star Trek Delta. My choice and the surprise value was a bonus.

Trip to see oldest D and granddaughters. W said to do stuff. Was upset I went it seems. accused me of going with someone. Solo trip. Got to see youngest at just under 4 months. W still has only seen pictures to my knowledge. Her loss.

Returning to church. Okay, panic move in response to BD. W had hounded me for years to return. Now (understandably) upset that I am. I have discussed with the minister my reasons for this. Emphasized the desire to not be a stunt. Reinforced the feeling this is the right thing when I visited my parents graves and her parents. All four are buried adjacent to each other. Long term marriages for both of them, parents and grandparents. Over 40 for Grandparents and over 50 for parents. Was expecting my own to last. Forever should be forever.

Lots of reflecting and self blame. Yup, got that covered. In spades. Am I totally at fault and she is blameless? No. How much is my fault? Probably not as much as I assume not as much as she thinks I am at fault for.

Generally I am an optimistic realist. Pragmatic if you will. Half full, half empty... need a new glass... Right now I would like the glass to be full. Held by both of us and tended to with care.

Exercise. Again W complained about this. So am I doing this for her or me? Both. My Dad had a bad heart and my kids are wanting me to avoid that. So they are cheering me on in my effort to be in better shape. They have noticed. I am feeling better and the extra muscle mass and strength are nice. Besides the better my chest looks the better my tattoo does as well. Nobody wants to see a saggy Star Trek Delta. FYI it is placed as it would be on the tunic. Am I close to where I want to be? No. Am I hoping she notices? Of course. If she does and we get back to being us, great and I won't stop. She does and it still doesn't matter? Well then having lots of women after my Norse God Bod would be okay. Besides feeling better about myself is the goal. The muscle ache means I am making progress. The Marines have a saying that pain is weakness leaving the body. Good for self confidence too.

More to do? Of course. Not just the Sunday afternoon or bi-weekly stuff either. Other and new interests. Maybe another job or something. Part time? Maybe. Completely new? Who knows.

Not looking at new lady friends or even entertaining the idea. As so astutely noted there is some death grip holding on by your's truly. Still reading Gordie's stuff. Saved the one about fear. A link I believe. Have to read that.

About that subject... fear... I don't know what my irrational fear is. You know, the one where you loose it. Like the stereotype of women and mice. I know my W's fear. I am uncomfortable about more than a few things. Heights, although its the fall more than the height, and confined spaces are things I avoid. I don't mind alone time but to be honest, there is a difference to alone time and not having someone there. This S in house leading to D has me really messed up.

Still trying to figure this out. More later...

[Turbine]

In between testing I am reading Gordie's threads. A few others as well. Finished the Amy's musings thread linked in Gordie's. Found a few others that are not being gone through as well. So much information about going through this process. Gordie writes his sitch really well and the interaction, as I said before is inspiring. His sharing the snippets with the phone coach are good. Really thinking that should be something I look into more. Maybe put the archery on hold.

A new hobby is nice but getting more and specific advice and direction... seems the better deal.

So much to consider. Musings about fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of failing. Having tanked my marriage because I did or didn't do something right, and more importantly not allowing any of this to be her fault. Maybe downplaying her part is a better description. I recognize she has some blame in this, but accepting that is not the same thing.

Yeah, I know I am parsing words and ideas here. Overthinking all of this.

So yes, I am afraid of being alone. Not being the husband I should have been and only now realize I am not (in her eyes). Not being strong enough to weather this storm. Failing my children, grandchildren, family and friends by taking the "easy" way out. I know it would only be easy in ending my pain. Pain that I am holding onto because... because of fear? Because of the past? Memories and shared life experiences?

I know from reading that there is still so much ahead of me. To learn, experience, grow, teach my grandkids, share with others. With or without my W. That thought... brings so much of the storm with it.

So today... worked more OT. Was last tech to leave so I made sure the equipment was off or in standby for the night. Stopped to talk with the boss/owner on my way out. Let him know I was the last one in the lab and everyone else was out. He has a decent sized die cast collection of WWII aircraft. So I ended up talking with him for about half a hour. Was a good talk. covered a variety of stuff. Work related, political, Wolverines football season. Like I said wide variety.

Got home to find W was there already. No real strong feeling either way. Relieved that we would be on the driveway in the right order to leave in the morning and not be driving on the grass.

She was eating her supper, actually just finishing as I was getting mine started. Cut up a chicken breast, and tossed it into a frying pan. Got some water on to cook some pasta, just as she was done. So I grabbed her dishes and washed them along with what I had used to get my dinner started. Wasn't asked by her, not expecting anything from her not done as a gesture to show I can be nice. No, my sole thought was "Hey I can use that for my dinner and not need to get out another plate." So washed and dried my place setting, flipped over the chicken, added the pasta, etc...

Finished my dinner, did the dishes and that is that.

Okay... went to my bedroom (MBR, she moved out months ago of her own choice) and am writing this. Plan on reading a bit before I call it a day. Do I hope to see the two of us be MR 2.0, of course.

One of the posts in what I read talked about not being distant and cold. Treat them like a friendly neighbor. I believe it was posted by Rose. Seems to be something I can do and be me while working on detaching. Unless I missed something there. 2x4 anyone?

[Adam04]

Hi Turbine,

Don't beat yourself up. You're not overthinking, its all a lot to deal with. You're doing good. I wish I could put everything down without having to write tens of thousands of words. You're blaming yourself for everything and it's not like that. You're reacting like many of us here are and that's normal and that's okay. I can feel the deep hurt, but guess what? There is HOPE.

Not being strong enough to weather this storm. Failing my children, grandchildren, family and friends by taking the "easy" way out. I know it would only be easy in ending my pain. Pain that I am holding onto because... because of fear? Because of the past? Memories and shared life experiences?

That sounds scary and please don't do anything drastic. Reach out if you have to or feel the need. Continue to let it all out here. Many of us are going through the same thing and dealing with hurt, you can find support here. I have and it's helped. Be patient and try to allow time to help heal. It gets better, promise. THERE IS HOPE.

Please do continue to learn, listen, and not give up. Yes, reread the detaching and other people's posts, YOU'RE NOT ALONE, find strength in your faith and find strength here from others, take it day by day, one day at a time. You can lovingly detach, and let her be her. Give her some space. You need space... It doesn't mean you resent her or show her you're hurt or that you're cold. Try to be the best you right now, Listen to the advice on treating them like a friendly neighbor. Show them you're upbeat and friendly and believe in that positive energy. Once you change you, people notice, and it changes the way they act and feel around you.

DONT GIVE UP, work to change that mindset.

[Turbine]

Happy Thanksgiving to all. What do we have to be thankful for, those who are here? Well considering why we are here it seems to be worth considering. Each of us is facing or has faced some of the worst news you can get in your life. Worse than the loss of your parents. At least for me. I would be far too arrogant to speak for others about that.

In no particular order I offer the following list of things I am thankful for.

For one thing to be thankful for is MWD and this place she has brought about. Without it far too many of us would be floundering and likely not surviving well getting hit with the BD.

Members on this site. I am thankful for the support I have found here. Sharing of stories. Care and advice given to genuinely help others. To help heal ourselves.

Family. Whether our parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, children and grandchildren. They are all reasons to do the hard work.

Your job. As boring or dull as it may be. As heart pounding and exciting. Everything in between. This gives us a time to throw ourselves into something that pushes the constant thoughts of our situations to the side. Makes it fight to overwhelm us. Something that can be a source of something steady in this mess.

Time. Time to make ourselves better. More resilient to the storm we are in. A storm not of our choosing. Maybe of our own making in part. Time to grow, learn, explore.

Faith. Something that was not primary in my MR for a long time. Something I am embracing anew. Yes. Inspired by the W and the BD. However those reasons would be shallow and not last. So a true search and renewal. Part of my resuming this embrace was a visit to the cemetery where my parents and maternal grandparents are. Looking around and seeing many husbands and wives truly forever together. Many graves alone. Were they married? Did they even get the chance?
There is a grave for a WWI Marine not far from where my family is buried. Does anyone remember him? Do any care? (
(Got a story about that for later.)

I digress.

America. I have traveled around the world. Literally twice, courtesy of the USN. Is this a flawless country? No, not by a long shot. Like all countries and all peoples there are flaws and dark parts of our history. Not all to be proud of. Not to be ignored as if it didn't happen. To be accepted as having happened and to strive mightily that such doesn't happen again. Yes.

I hope and pray that all of you here, whether you read this or not, find reasons to be thankful. Give that person a hug. Look in the mirror and give yourself a smile. You can do this. WE can do this.