Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[LH19]

TF,

Not surprising, migraines are brought on by stress. You did the right thing for your kids. It's amazing how it doesn't work out to be rainbows and sunshine with unicorns dancing happily everywhere.

I saw my ex last night at my daughters concert and she just got her hair done. She looked really good. It stung and i am pretty detached. It is so stupid that two adults can't figure out how to make each other happy, meet each others needs and keep the families intact. Who suffers the most, the kids, families and friends.

Day by day my friend.

[AnotherStander]

LH, it sounds like you handled everything fine. Just remember that validation extends to your kids as well. Rather than going out of your way to defend W to your kids (which is fine to a point), instead focus on validating your D's feelings. "Sweetie I can tell you are frustrated with your mom, I am sorry you're feeling that way. I am here to help you however I can."

[neffer]

Hey, once a DBuster, always a DBuster!

[Again18]

Need to comment so I don't lose my place here. TF remember the advice you've been getting here and stick to it. Don't be overly friendly, but don't be a dick either. Be the first to end the conversation and don't linger. Still praying for you.

[FlySolo]

Well when I picked up the kids and told them D8 was disappointed and was saying W never never helps, D8 can never rely on mom, mom lies etc. I reminded D8 W is sick so it cannot be helped. D8 said mom always gets migraines and doesn't help.

It is so so tough holding your tongue with kids but you handled it brilliantly. I try and be positive about my H with the kids - keep reminding them how much he loves them, try and get them excited whenever they are going to see him. I have to tell you, it takes A LOT of self control. I guess the balance is not covering for our spouses whilst also not bad mouthing them. Maintaining this balance isn't too tough - H is actually a decent dad, but I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be if your S is [censored].

You're doing great.

[Twofeet]

Other than what was previously posted, the week went well. The weekend.....
Fri after work I went for my run, then shower, then get ready to go to dinner to reconnect with old friends whom W burned our friendship with. During the run and shower I missed a call from W. When I called her back she said she was so happy I called her back, she was getting D8 from a birthday party on my side of town and said the kids wanted to see me. She asked to come to my house for a visit, but said she guessed I had plans. I said yes I was just about to step out as I was very busy this evening. She sounded disappointed, but thanked me for calling her back. I said goodbye and got off the phone.

I met with the friends (they are a married couple who I was friends with individually when we were in HS) for dinner, they had some exciting news to share, and I caught up with their life. Unfortunately, the conversation turned toward my life so I told them. They were extremely shocked, and I was prepared for the rest of the dinner to be focused on D. I have to get it out of the way to move on with them. W and the woman of the couple were childhood friends so it was very hard for her to hear the news. She was still in the dark and questioned why W burned their friendship 3 years ago. I told her I can't speak for W and I dont really know for sure. All I ever got was that she was just done. Her husband also knew W from childhood so this D upset him as well. The woman told me about her annulment from her first marriage, they split up 3 month into the marriage as her 1st husband went nuts. If I felt the need to go that route both myself and the woman agreed it's very doubtful I would be granted an annulment. We did everything so traditional and by the book it doubtful even if it mattered to me which at this point it doesn't. Anyway, they wished me the best, told me to be strong for the kids, and we set future plans for Dec. After, I went to my parents to watch cfb and pick up an old record player and some old records they wanted me to have.

I didn't go hunting this weekend because I was coming down with a cold. It's hard to stalk a deer with a bow when you are sniffling, sneezing, and coughing. So sat morning I ran errands with my mom and sis. I quickly called W up to check D8 size for a winter coat. W was acting very timid on the phone it was weird. I also asked W to tell D8 to turn on her kid phone so I could call her. W said if she had time she would tell her. Well I know that mean no. Anyway Sat was busy with errands, jobs and projects around the house, and working out. Sun was church with MIL. On Thursday MIL told me that if I meet someone down the road, she will always be the kids grandma and will always treat me like a son. To never worry she will always be there for me and the kids. So after church, it was shopping, chores, walking the dog, and a visit from my Dad.

I found SIL bible in my house when I was going through boxes. I texted her about it. She said she would get it from me or I could give it to W. I told SIL that bringing it over would be a good excuse for a visit someday. She then text that now is not a good time just give it to W. That seemed odd so I asked her is everything ok, she said yes so I told her I would give it to W.

Later W texted me in the evening. She wanted to know if I was ok, if I made it through the weekend alright. I really didn't feel like responding, but we have some kid logistics to figure out for the week and I don't feel like waiting last minute. So I text phone call? She says yes then calls me. She asks about me and how I am handling the weekend without the kids. I say I am doing good, just very busy. I tell her I do miss the kids and can't wait to see them tomorrow. She says they are being rambunctious and have been stressing her out. I tell her they don't stress me out they are fun and exciting. We talk kids logistics, I mentioned SIL bible and the weird text convo. W says SIL is just processing her R with me and how its changing. I asked if W said something to SIL (probably shouldn't have said that) . W said no, but I just need to not let my feelings get hurt and accept that I am not going to be around for SIL. I tell W I understand all this and I have always been tough don't worry me. W says it's not like I would call your sister. ( Which is true because why would my sister want to talk to someone who wont work out their own personal problems, quit on a MR for selfish reasons, and break up a family.) I needed to 180 the direction of the convo so finished up logistics. Told W I never got to talk to D8, she said I can always call W phone. I reminded her I did Sat morning. Finished up the convo, W said it was good hearing from you. Then we said our goodbyes. She had the same what I would describe as timid tone from Sat.

After I called D8, we had a nice little convo. The other 2 kids were too busy watching a show to talk on the phone. D8 was distant on the phone, but I think that is my own insecurities talking in my head. I am getting that gut feeling like W is manipulating me and or the sitch. Post-BD SIL was professing her sisterly love how I will always be her big bro she never had, and call her anytime. Besides the text convo today I feel like she has been distancing herself. I guess it was bound to happen, but I feel like W is saying negative things as well. OH WELL. Right now I don't feel like W is ever coming back, it's just sad and disappointing. I have been crying a lot all week and this weekend. Sometimes it happens out of the blue. I am not stopping the emotions, I just let them out. However, it will be nice when this dies down. I have been questioning my reality. The one thing I thought was going to be the most likely constant is gone. What is reality and what is manipulation? What I never doubted or questioned I am now wondering if that is even real. I think I just need to sleep off these feelings. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.

[LH19]

During the run and shower I missed a call from W. When I called her back she said she was so happy I called her back, she was getting D8 from a birthday party on my side of town and said the kids wanted to see me. She asked to come to my house for a visit, but said she guessed I had plans. I said yes I was just about to step out as I was very busy this evening. She sounded disappointed, but thanked me for calling her back. I said goodbye and got off the phone.

I would have texted "sorry I can't talk right now, is it emergency"?

I quickly called W up to check D8 size for a winter coat. W was acting very timid on the phone it was weird.

Why are you calling about a size for a coat? Text "what size is D8'?

I told SIL that bringing it over would be a good excuse for a visit someday. She then text that now is not a good time just give it to W. That seemed odd so I asked her is everything ok, she said yes so I told her I would give it to W.

IMO you need to distance yourself from her side of the family right now.

Later W texted me in the evening. She wanted to know if I was ok, if I made it through the weekend alright. I really didn't feel like responding, but we have some kid logistics to figure out for the week and I don't feel like waiting last minute. So I text phone call? She says yes then calls me.

I hate that text! Like she's feeling sorry for you. Text "I'm great thanks for asking" Another call? Why?

She says they are being rambunctious and have been stressing her out. I tell her they don't stress me out they are fun and exciting.

Validation, Validation, Validation you dismissed her feelings.

We talk kids logistics, I mentioned SIL bible and the weird text convo. W says SIL is just processing her R with me and how its changing. I asked if W said something to SIL (probably shouldn't have said that) . W said no, but I just need to not let my feelings get hurt and accept that I am not going to be around for SIL. I tell W I understand all this and I have always been tough don't worry me.

Was this convo necessary?

W says it's not like I would call your sister. ( Which is true because why would my sister want to talk to someone who wont work out their own personal problems, quit on a MR for selfish reasons, and break up a family.) I needed to 180 the direction of the convo so finished up logistics.
These are call consequences.

[quote=Twofeet] Told W I never got to talk to D8, she said I can always call W phone. I reminded her I did Sat morning. Finished up the convo, W said it was good hearing from you. Then we said our goodbyes. She had the same what I would describe as timid tone from Sat.

You guys talk more than some married couples I know.

What is reality and what is manipulation?

Can you expand more on what you mean by this question?

[Twofeet]

Later W texted me in the evening. She wanted to know if I was ok, if I made it through the weekend alright. I really didn't feel like responding, but we have some kid logistics to figure out for the week and I don't feel like waiting last minute. So I text phone call? She says yes then calls me.

I hate that text! Like she's feeling sorry for you. Text "I'm great thanks for asking" Another call? Why?

I like phone calls, I don't like texting. I have had times in my life where texting has been misinterpreted by people and caused further problems. Phone calls seem to solve that. I also didn't like that text, I am not some sad sack that needs her sympathies. I didn't cause this train wreck she did, she should feel sorry for the havoc she has caused.

She says they are being rambunctious and have been stressing her out. I tell her they don't stress me out they are fun and exciting.

Validation, Validation, Validation you dismissed her feelings.

Yep I screwed up. I realized it after our phone conversation. Just posting to show I am struggling and I have work to do.

We talk kids logistics, I mentioned SIL bible and the weird text convo. W says SIL is just processing her R with me and how its changing. I asked if W said something to SIL (probably shouldn't have said that) . W said no, but I just need to not let my feelings get hurt and accept that I am not going to be around for SIL. I tell W I understand all this and I have always been tough don't worry me.

Was this convo necessary?

Nope, It wasn't. Her and her sister clearly have been talking and likely she is playing the victim or shutting down the friendship between SIL and myself. I felt it was going to happen. I need to just let it play out and not bother me, nothing I can do. Just disappointing because I am losing a SIL, and a niece and nephew.

W says it's not like I would call your sister. ( Which is true because why would my sister want to talk to someone who wont work out their own personal problems, quit on a MR for selfish reasons, and break up a family.) I needed to 180 the direction of the convo so finished up logistics.

These are call consequences.

Honestly, I don't think dropping contact with my family is something she sees as a consequence. I think she is happy with it, even though they have always been loving towards her.

Told W I never got to talk to D8, she said I can always call W phone. I reminded her I did Sat morning. Finished up the convo, W said it was good hearing from you. Then we said our goodbyes. She had the same what I would describe as timid tone from Sat.

You guys talk more than some married couples I know.

Yes we were figuratively attached at the hip. We were BF since we started dating in HS, and probably spent too much time together and not enough as individuals. We still slip up and catch ourselves using petnames. I personally try to be extra cautious so I don't do it.

What is reality and what is manipulation?

Can you expand more on what you mean by this question?

I just have been having doubts at times, its a weakness/problem I am trying to work through. I look back and wonder if I have just been duped this whole time. Was there signs she was having personal troubles? Yes and I tried to help anyway I could when she asked. Was there signs of D or her problems turning to D? None that I still can figure out, but like I said sometimes I feel like the dumb guy, or just duped. Also, it feels like she is turning me into the bad guy, and the world is believing her. They way she talks all timid to me like she is the victim.
Did she move us back to our home state in Dec. with the intent of divorce? I have wondered that even though there is strong is evidence to the contrary. Is she turning the kids against me? Are they distancing themselves against me? No real evidence, just my own self-doubts. Any attitudes they have are likely just a reflection of W attitude when they spend time with her.

I still have a lot to process mentally to be able to move on. I will be a better lighthouse at that point.

[LH19]

TF,

I get what your saying about being BFs since high school but you have to remember that she has committed the ultimate betrayal against you.

IMO you need to start treating her more like a business partner.

Research shows that spouses most likely have been thinking D for 3-5 years prior and the nail in the coffin was OMs availability.

[Twofeet]

TF,

I get what your saying about being BFs since high school but you have to remember that she has committed the ultimate betrayal against you.

IMO you need to start treating her more like a business partner.

Research shows that spouses most likely have been thinking D for 3-5 years prior and the nail in the coffin was OMs availability.

This is like a cancer. You get it, but you don't know when you got it or really how long. If it is really is that long ago then probably after the birth of S3 when she suffered (still suffers) PTSD from almost dying. After S3 I think from her own perspective life got tough for her. Still could have been the same month she BD. She is kind of a nutjob now so who knows.

As you guys all say time apart cures all. Time apart will wash away any neediness I have for her. I want a R with W or any good woman. I don't NEED a R.