Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[LH19]

TF,

Just a couple things:

Time & space are the only thing that are going to turn this around. She will never learn to miss you if you are around and available all the time.

You really have to watch yourself with your comments to the kids that the D and you not be invited to functions is your Ws fault.

Proof of what I always talk about women thinking emotionally. Logically she knows you love her, she knows the kids would be better off and she knows financially she would be better off if you are together. She didn't feel heard in the marriage like her feelings and opinions didn't matter that's why she felt unloved. That's why validation is so important.

[Twofeet]

DV6, thank you for the kind words.

LH,
Time & Space... That's why I am glad Thanksgiving is over and we can go back to the regular school routine. No face to face contact and limited to no convos. I also want to make myself available to the kids, but not her. Is this coming across wrong?

Loud and clear on the comments to the kids about fault/blame.

Lastly, when she told D8 those things I understand where some of it comes from and where I seriously failed. I listened to her all the time, I am a good listener, however if I am being honest I didn't know how to validate until BD. I didn't understand the male logistical communication vs the female emotional communication until my IC sat me down and explained it all to me.
A lot of what she wanted and wanted to talk about was financially and logistically unrealistic for the stability of our family. I would like to think if I knew how to properly validate and communicate with her that maybe this wouldn't have happened. However, even if I did she has plenty of her own demons she has been chasing and I wouldn't be surprised if the results ended up the same. Good news is I have learned from this, and I am learning to communicate better which will help going forward with W, with my children, and any future R.

[LH19]

TF,

I hear you man! I was in the same boat my ex would frequently say you don't respect my opinion. I also would tell her she was wrong for feeling a certain way. I was young and naive and thought I knew everything. Boy was I wrong and lesson learned never to repeat again.

The ironic part is my ex has told me my mom is wrong for feeling the way she does about the D and won't speak to her anymore.

I agree with you that at some point you were going to face this and maybe if you did everything right you could have made it to your 40s.

I truly believe and some point you have a good chance at recon. One of my best friends parents reconnected after 35 years.

[Twofeet]

Why when W feels the need to talk to me on the phone, it feels like she is racing to get off the phone first? So annoying. I know we are supposed to be brisk and try to end the convo first, but dang she calls me then tries to rush to end it. W called today to let me know she decided to keep D8 and D5 home today with her Mom. Kids are getting over colds, but their voices are faded from it. W thought they were in dire shape, but by all accounts they were fine and pissed that W wouldn't let them go to school. I feel like W overreacted a bit, but they are on her time so it was nice that W gave me an update. Then W asks about an email of hers I replied to. I told her it's about child scheduling, and some errors in her spreadsheet. I said just read the email for all the details. As usual she almost cuts me off with the alright gotta go, bye! Click.
If I answer when she calls it's like she is too busy to talk. If I call her back on my time she acts too busy to talk. Annoying and frustrating. Today was the first time in my life where I found it difficult to listen to her, I just wanted off the phone. It took a lot for me to sound patient, fully engaged, and not annoyed.

I'm telling you this would be a hell of a lot easier without kids, but d@mnit if I could go back in time I would do it over again. I would do this just so I could still have them, and maybe 1 more.

[burned]

As usual she almost cuts me off with the alright gotta go, bye! Click.

She's DBing you! I mean not necessarily. But maybe she saw Sandi's List somewhere. Probably not. More likely it's guilt. Let her sit with it, not your monkeys. Water off a duck. Etc.

[RyanHun]

TF,
Who knows and probably shouldn't speculate but if I were to guess i would say it's a reaction to your DB'ing. You didn't discuss things as you shouldn't, you advised her to reference the email for details as you should have. She didn't like that. Don't sweat it.

[Twofeet]

Well not much is new, but I feel like posting.

My GAL activities are becoming less social. I feel that this is ok because I am focusing on rebuilding myself and self care. Typical no kids day during the weekday is work, workout, make dinner, read, bed. Kids days are the same, but everything is squeezed to include quality time with them. Weekends are usually focused on GAL with kids and visiting family with kids. My time is working out, visiting family, housework, errands, reading, occasional friend visits. Going to start trying to make more time for my woodworking hobby this month. Winter outdoor activities will be kicking in soon as well. I saw a meetup group related to my industry so I have been kicking around the idea of attending as it would be a good way to meet new people and socialize. Going to head oot this week for a multiday work function/party. It should be fun, but I just have to keep the drinking to a minimum as the people in my company like to party hard and I don't.

As far as W goes she is just being a giant PITA. I don't like saying it, but she is being a boderline b!tch. It has been as painful as pulling teeth to W to sit down and talk school finances, but we finally got it done. She also owes me money for CS (which is really almost nothing) and her half of some kid related expenses ( this is more $ than CS). Need to get the kids winter boots, I feel like this should be a shared expense. She wants me to pay for it because she went and spent $100-$200 on clothes for D8. This was ABSOLUTELY unneeded. Our girls have so much clothing its ridiculous. After W left and we split clothing each D half of clothing is still way more than my entire wardrobe. Anyway wife sent over a spreadsheet for the year showing who has the kids for the year. It didn't follow the family plan we submit to the state. I put it in the cozi calendar which W refuses to use or import to her outlook calendar. W wants to know to why I use it. I tell her its family friendly, with a family journal and D8 like use it on her tablet. Anyway W rearranged xmas holiday so I am going to have to put my foot down. I told W she needs to look at cozi because it follows the family plan. Her response is that she is too busy. I know for a fact that is total B.S. Asked W what she wanted our xmas budget to be on the kids, her response I don't know, I don't have much $ so go ahead and spend more than me. Hey W how do you want to handle Santa Claus present? I dunno, I need to think about it. She wanted us to originally either coordinate gifts or stay on the same budget so we dont one up each other. So much for that, looks like she just wants me to pay for everything. Feels like we might get into a standoff.

W doesn't have a lot of vacation time or doesn't want to use it so she is going to be leaving the kids with me on some of her days during the break. As long as I don't have plans I think it's great to spend extra time with them during the holiday break, and it saves money on child care. We used to do this during our MR as well.

Last note I need to go get my annual physical this month. I am going to ask for an STD screening. W has been my only partner, but BD to move out and possibly beyond she was dealing with a flare up of a reoccurring feminine health issue. Post BD she would blame me and the stress for her issue at that time. I cant just ask her if she contracted something, she wouldn't give a straight answer anyway. Needless to say it couldn't hurt to get myself checked out to make sure it was just her own issues and I haven't contracted something from her, as I guess some STD/STI often don't show up in men.

[Twofeet]

Why do we have a lockout time to fix typos? I tend to have posts littered with typos when I post from my phone and I usually don't catch them until it's too late.

W called me this morning to tell me to just buy all new winter gear for kids. She doesn't want to share across houses (easy for her to say cause she took all their stuff unbeknownst to me) and says it's too hard for them to keep it in their backpacks on handoff days. Grrrr PITA. I haven't even posted some of the selfish B.S. she is trying to pull for upcoming D8 bday.

She used to be such a nice and caring person. Why did she become such a nasty mean spirited person post bd? Ugg, well I got plenty to do to keep my mind off her. Good thing it's not hard to care or think about someone who is being a sh!thead.

[Ready2Change]

She used to be such a nice and caring person. Why did she become such a nasty mean spirited person post bd? Ugg, well I got plenty to do to keep my mind off her. Good thing it's not hard to care or think about someone who is being a sh!thead.

It sounds like she got lessons from my X.

[Twofeet]

I started to spiral out of control with the whole std thing today. It was bad enough that I had to step away from the kids to cry. Now as far as I know she doesn't have one, but if her issues and her rounds of prescription treatments weren't what I thought they were for then it is possible. That and I can't get her CC company to stop notifying me of her charges and she is buying some weird things. It's the implication that got my mind running. For a bit it felt like BD day 1 or 2 all over again. It took a lot of mental fortitude to pull myself together along with some GAL with the kids. I had to keep telling myself I dont own her, she is not mine, she is free to do as she pleases even if it a mistake/regret. I am doing better now but those thoughts and feelings are still there just sitting in the periphery.