cdd.... I'm so sorry what you are going through. We are all are facing our own trials, but the level of maliciousness that you are dealing with is incomprehensible. I know it's easy as us as outsiders looking in to tell you you don't deserve this, but at the same time, I want to tell you I can understand why you are still fighting. You are viewing your husband as the person you once knew. I am doing the same with my wife even though she is lying to anyone within talking distance to speak at how bad of a person I am. It sounds like your husband is a complete NARC. I'm sorry.
Even though I have a lot of things to work on in my own sitch with the upcoming divorce, I can honestly say after all of this is that when one goes through a trial, their true colors come out. Your H has shown his, unfortunately, but the bright, shining light in all of this is that you have shown yours. It takes so much courage, strength, conviction and unconditional love to face such cruelty and still show compassion. Just like the rest of us, we have our faults we need to work on. But to be able to deal with such a trial, you have shown a kind, caring heart that just wants to make things work. You sound like an amazing person, and I just want you to know you don't deserve this.
I will say, if my wife said what your H said to you recently, I would file for D. I'm a devout Christian and follower of Jesus. I believe in my sitch, the only way I could divorce my W is for infidelity which I don't have any proof of(she is a believer so I can't divorce her for abandonement by an unbeliever). I would give her every chance to repent if she did have an affair, but if that never happened, I would feel at peace getting out of the abusive cycle. I do want to preface this by saying my wife left 11 months into marriage, so I obviously cannot truly relate to your situation, especially given you have kids. I will be praying for you and following your sitch closely.
I'll try to go back in the next couple of days to get caught up on your sitch, but in the meantime, just know that you have many people on this board including me who are with you.
I recognise so much of what you say about hanging onto this marriage even though it wasn't good. When I wrote down what I was hanging onto; shared history, financial security; 30 years etc etc; none of these things were about him. Irrespective of his abominal behaviour to you; neither of you should actually feel obliged to stay in an unhealthy relationship.
It's dead; it's gone. You are grieving, but you have to acknowledge the marriage has died, bury it and move on in your emotions.
You can torment yourself with 'what ifs' and 'whys' but it doesn't matter. Accept what is happening today, not what went before.
I have internal dialogues and whenever I feel the 'what ifs' coming on, I remind myself that he wasn't that person after all, because he lied, cheated and manipulated.
Write a list of what a future partner would look like; what qualities would you look for, what are your non negotiables? Mine were honesty, fidelity and selflessness. Does he tick those boxes? No. So until he does, he doesn't deserve my time. Will he ever? I don't know, but that's down to him.
I imagine all the nasty stuff coming out of his mouth is because he senses he is losing control and is panicking. Therefore this is actually in your control.
He needs to show massive changes; until he does you need to stop giving him the time of day. You don't not need this man in your life abusing you. That is your choice and your control. Only when he shows massive change do you even contemplate whether to allow him back into your life. That is in your control.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he'd had the decency 3 years ago to sit down and discuss the marriage; would it have survived? But he didn't and the fact that he made decisions to carry on as normal, carry on a 16 month affair, lie and manipulate, move out, come back etc etc make it a pointless exercise. But it does demonstrate to me a lack of respect,lack of basic decency and that he is a coward who could only think of his own immediate needs. I always told him that I could try to forgive the affair and that people make mistakes but it is how they rectify them and behave after that truly matters. If I judge him by his behaviour post BD then it is that which shows why I won't entertain him at the moment.
Do you still have a chance? Yes, but you cannot continue like this. Wait and see if he can make the necessary effort to change and treat you respectfully and in the meanwhile work on your fears by broadening your life with what makes you tick. You may well find that you don't want him back but that only comes from burying that relationship, lifting your head up high and saying 'right, what do I want'
You can do it. NOBODY needs somebody else to feel alive and worthwhile. You are alive and worthwhile and obviously an amazing and strong person. Look what he's put you through and you are still standing. Keep getting stronger. He will either accept the loss of control or he'll fight against it. But you are stronger than him because you are a decent, loving person. Show that strength. It may just be what wakes him up to realise what an a*** he is being.
Forgive my bluntness. I'm from the North of England and it's a well known trait!
Forgot to say: I will always remember my husband of 27 years sitting with serious face on telling me the sexual preferences of his OW, in graphic detail. And thrusting a photo of OW in my best friend's face who had the decency to talk to him several times rather than take sides. I was so shocked and hurt at the time but now I think about it from time to time and just think 'what a ridiculous man' Time and detachment did that for me.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/24/1810:46 AM. Reason: Start a new thread
I think my H played multiple mindf*#@ery games with me yesterday. It was only after it was done that I realized how manipulative he is.
I woke up yesterday morning to a text from him asking what I did last night and with who. He positioned it like he was “joking.” For those asking why I don’t block him, I do want him to be able to contact me as he has the kids. I would have ignored it but I was in an emotional state so I replied and told him that he needs to stop inquiring and stop sending crude texts. I asked why it mattered to him given he was seeing the OW again.
That caused a blow up. He said he was just “playing” and that I needed to stop bringing up the OW. He said “It’s not about her. It’s about you and me being terrible together. I felt like I was in prison. I’m terrified of going back. Get it yet?”
That comment about being in prison just broke my heart. I felt like he’s forgotten everything we used to have. He then told me “I thought we were getting along again. I tried so hard. I’m sorry it didn’t work. Maybe I should just be all in with her since you are already implying that I have moved on with her.” Huh? Is it just me or was he trying to make me feel like he was trying to work things out with me again but then it’s my fault once again that it didn’t work out and I pushed him to her again? His wording was so sneaky. It’s funny too because we had just fought on Tuesday but him saying he thought we were getting along again made it sound like we had been doing so well for a longer period of time. Is this what they call gaslighting?
He then said “I love you but I can’t do these ups and downs anymore.” I think he means he likes to send me “nice” messages and crude messages but when I call him out on it, he can’t handle it.
So I go out to dinner with my friends and, sure enough, I get a crude message later that evening asking what or “who” I’m doing.
I wish this man would seek mental help. I head back home today. Good news is that he’s leaving today for a week long work conference in Las Vegas. He will be busy with work and I’m sure indulging himself in the evenings (she may possibly be there too as they work for the same company) but at least he will leave me alone as he never has the need to know what I’m doing when he doesn’t have the kids and I do.
I was hoping to clear my mind on this vacation. I didn’t fully but it did get clearer to me how he is manipulating me and truly has narcissistic tendencies.
He then said “I love you but I can’t do these ups and downs anymore.” I think he means he likes to send me “nice” messages and crude messages but when I call him out on it, he can’t handle it.
Yep. He can't handle it. This is your reminder to stop responding to him, because it's affecting you more than it is him. I guarantee he is not still reliving your interaction - but you are.
Originally Posted by cdd1976
I was hoping to clear my mind on this vacation. I didn’t fully but it did get clearer to me how he is manipulating me and truly has narcissistic tendencies.
Although you responded in a way you probably shouldn't have, consider your growing clarity a win. You are seeing who he really is right now, and you don't like it. Remember what you've learned from these interactions!
He sounds like an immature, self-focused man with major self-esteem issues. He wants to keep you on the hook. He is also projecting quite a bit. The most suspicious people are almost always the ones we should be most suspicious of. He doesn’t have the need to know what you are doing when you have the kids because he already knows what you are doing. He knows that you are with the kids. It’s when he has the kids that his mind starts to wander and his insecure self gets super jealous and texts those ridiculously offensive texts. I would just tell him that if he texts you in a respectful way, you will respond when you can but that if he sends you offensive texts, he will get no response whatsoever. And then stick to it. Set your boundary and stick to it. Do not let him get to you or buy into his accusations. He is pretty sure you aren’t doing anything cause he knows you. But...he isn’t 100% sure and it is driving him nuts. Let him sit with it. This is his bed. He made it. He has to lie in it.
I would just tell him that if he texts you in a respectful way, you will respond when you can but that if he sends you offensive texts, he will get no response whatsoever. And then stick to it. Set your boundary and stick to it.
I like this idea very much! But, perhaps I wouldn't tell it to him. Just do it. Respond politely to general inquiries, but ignore outright every single one that is crude or crosses a line or asks who you're with. He does not have that right. Remember that your rights to privacy are equal (or likely GREATER) than his "rights" to know anything about you. You are his equal at a bare minimum. But we all know you're actually his superior
Last edited by Cadet; 11/26/1801:54 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
This past week was predictable. He was in Vegas for work. In-laws has the kids Monday and Tuesday so he was texting me regularly to check on what I was doing. I admit, I responded on Monday but didn’t Tuesday. I had the kids Wednesday and Thursday so of course I didn’t hear from him. But I contacted him Thursday to find out what time he was picking up the kids on Friday and he got upset that I was “bothering” him. He said “I need to adjust how I set expectations with you.” Wow.
H came over last night to pick up the kids. We sat down to talk about some household and kid related stuff. I find he is more amenable when we do these talks in person but I was still nervous we’d get into a fight because I had quite a few financial topics to discuss that required him giving me more money - I’m finding the monthly budget I set isn’t enough, Christmas gifts, etc. I expected him to blow up but instead he said yes to all without even complaining. He almost offered me more money. He even said “I want to support you.” What, did he win the jackpot while in Vegas? I’m waiting for him to renege and flip out about money again.
I bring up mediation. We had an intro meeting with one mediator last week. We had another intro with a second one scheduled in two weeks. He told me before Thanksgiving that the second one was pointless because he didn’t want to wait that long to meet with another mediator, that we should just go with the first one and get things going. Then yesterday, I told him I was going to cancel the meeting with the second mediator. He said “Why? Keep it. We have time.” Huh?
So before he leaves he grabs me and kisses me passionately. I got weak and let him. Then, he tells me “We can’t do this physical stuff anymore. It’s hard because when I see you, you look so hot, but it’s not fair to you or me. We can’t keep yo-yo’ing, and I don’t want to hurt you.” WTF. Ok, he’s right that we can’t do physical stuff anymore but I was mad that he kissed me and then said this to me. I was mad that he said it to me when I was already trying to detach. I was mad that he said he didn’t want to hurt me...um, haven’t you done that already? And I was mad that last week it was “I’m thinking about you. I miss you. I love you.”
My next moment of weakness, I asked if he was in a relationship with the OW. He said “I don’t know. I mean, I’m not in anything right now but eventually I will be with her or with someone else.” Again, inability to just tell me. I got my senses together and said “You’re right. We can’t be physical anymore.” He didn’t say anything but I think he was a little surprised I agreed instead of getting upset.
He left after that. I’m still mad that he kissed me and then brought this up. I wanted to detach without it seeming like it was his idea. Does that make sense? I know, it shouldn’t matter either way.
I’m also still hurt and in disbelief that he is starting a relationship with the OW. I don’t want her anywhere near my kids. Everyone tells me that it won’t last but honestly, I don’t know with them. They had an affair for a year and saw each other almost every morning, lunches on work days, and one day almost every other weekend so I feel they got to know each other well vs other affairs where they don’t see each other often and only realize they are not compatible after they spend more time together. They bonded because they were both unhappy in their marriages and had their favorite activities in common - mountain climbing, hiking, etc. I know I can’t control things, but I fear this could become something serious. I hope it does not. But what we focus on grows so I know I need to stop worrying about it.
I guess it is all the more reason for me to truly detach. I know I should do it for myself and I do realize I’ve always deserved better. I want to start off today differently. I want to detach. I want to have a different attitude and put out a different energy than what I’ve been giving out the last six months. I’m tired of all this bulls*#t and want him to realize what he is losing but I also want to stop caring whether or not he realizes it.
Please start a new thread and link your two threads together. Many thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
