13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

[Hurt213]

Part 1: (old thread): Part one


So I made a journal post in old thread, about what went down, and I slept on in. I woke up this morning, realizing that I just have to let go really. Let her do her thing (I can't convince her otherwise, it will have to be her). I am going to be the most attractive man I can be for myself. The most loving father I can be for my kids, and really try and get out there. I know there will be ups and downs, as those of you who have followed my stitch, surely can see that there are - however I am currently feeling like the only way to get better, is to let her come back if she CHOOSES to, not because i can persuade her to. She needs to go out there and experience whatever it think it is that she is "missing out on". And as long as I do things to convince her otherwise, she will resent me for it.

I also realized, that me loosing my cool yesterday and spewing once again how I am done with her, and that she is doing something so disrespectful to me, that I can't even comprehend it and so on (read my journal from yesterday), needs to stop. <-- I sat down a boundary with the advice from Sandi, and dumped her. Now I need to go to another place, where I focus on me, because I think if I keep on bringing up how badly she has treated me and the family, and how she keeps disrespecting me, it will simply loose its effect on her, and will just be words coming out my mouth.

She looked at me like nothing I said yesterday mattered, and it had no impact on her - I think it really just set me back, and pushed her into the arms of OM. Therefore, I am not going to bring it up again, unless she breaks my boundaries about talking to me about OM.

Does it make sense?

[ballast]

Hurt I will tell you from my personal experience my W's actions/crazy did more to propel me towards detachment quicker than anything I could have done myself. I say this as for sure it makes total sense that you were angry, but given the blatantness of your lady's actions, if you can find it in yourself you should be able to make quick gains in yourself. When you start to compare her actions to your expectations for a significant other and you see she is not meeting your standards, it will be less about anger and more about moving yourself forward asap. the ONLY impediment to that is your children and rightfully so. it is still difficult for me to see the positive impacts on my D from this life event, but i've found simply buildling my relationship with my D and being the best Dad I can be is all that's important.

You'll see/hear guidance around here that once you've said your peace with your lady, that's enough. Repeating it is unnecessary. Just an fyi AND the less you repeat it, the less it will trigger your feelings.

If she owns the house with you, yep basically she can do as she says. Accept that for the legality that it is. Doesn't mean you have to sleep in the same room and doesn't sound like that's an issue.

Snooping on the suitcase, talking about OM...only hurting yourself as you know buddy. Writing is already on the wall and you know it so nothing good comes from continuing to pour salt on the wound. Let it go and free yourself.

Last, yeah premature to associated the BC pills with the OM. For sure many ladies end up taking them for many health issues unrelated to contraception. Use this as a lesson for you and guard your emotions from making you jump to incorrect assumptions.

When ships leave dock for the first few minutes they rock a good bit to and fro, the randomness of the sea causes them to be unbalanced, but with a bit of time and calibration the ship steadies and can handle whatever the sea brings at it. You are the ship right now. Be mindful to not let the rough seas throw you around in the early going. Work to establish the balance you'll need to navigate what's to come.

-B

[neffer]

When ships leave dock for the first few minutes they rock a good bit to and fro, the randomness of the sea causes them to be unbalanced, but with a bit of time and calibration the ship steadies and can handle whatever the sea brings at it. You are the ship right now. Be mindful to not let the rough seas throw you around in the early going. Work to establish the balance you'll need to navigate what's to come.

-B

Set the sails! Well written B!

[AnotherStander]

I noticed next to his bed, that there was a suitcase packed. I had a look, and yea [censored] me, I shouldn't have. It was filled with lingerie and stuff. She is going tomorrow to OM, and apparently its only to get laid, and then she planned on returning home.

That's OK, maybe you needed that to well and truly go about really detaching.

I told her to come into the kitchen and said that I ment every word I had spilled yesterday about being so through with her.

Too much talking, not enough doing. ACTIONS, not WORDS. Why tell her what you've already told her when you can show her by actually detaching. Going back and telling her again just kind of smacks of a cry for attention.

She then said that she owned half the house, and therefore could come and go as she pleased - I didn't answer.

Unfortunately she is right. That's a boundary you can't enforce.

In the car, I received a text from her saying: "listen up - not that I in any way owe you an explanation. I have NEVER asked you for an vasectomy, other than in good fun (<-- lie). Because nobody knew what the future would bring. We often talked about this. The fact that I started on these pills on advice from my doctors, while I am still medicated because of acne, so that it doesn't resurface after, is completely my own private business. You don't have to answer. You are going to interpret the things your own way anyways".

How bizarre that after a discussion of OM that this is the only point she wants to defend!

however I did not bend on my arguments regarding that I am completely done with her and what else I told her yesterday.

Again, saying that to her means nothing. SHOW HER you are done.

I woke up this morning, realizing that I just have to let go really. Let her do her thing (I can't convince her otherwise, it will have to be her). I am going to be the most attractive man I can be for myself. The most loving father I can be for my kids, and really try and get out there.

Yes to all of this.

however I am currently feeling like the only way to get better, is to let her come back if she CHOOSES to, not because i can persuade her to.

So in other words, all that talk about "being through with her" is complete BS. And that's fine, we're here to try and help you save your M. But you've got to grasp this- she KNOWS you didn't mean it. This is why we say "actions", not "words". WAS's can see right through any tricks to try and bring them back. Tricks don't work.

I sat down a boundary with the advice from Sandi, and dumped her.

Not really. You just said a bunch of stuff that you really didn't mean in your heart. Now let's talk about your plan to detach.

[Hurt213]

You are right. I can't say that I mean those things wholeheartedly, because I love the woman. However that is how I felt at the time - fact is, that its a rollercoaster, and the ups and downs are huge for me at this time in point.

I plan to not be in the house with her when the kids are sleeping.

I plan to not engage or start any conversations related to OM, my whereabouts at night, or our relationship (whatever it is at this point)

I plan to and promise to go out and try things I have never tried before (not talking about reckless stuff here) but simply to expand on my social circle, and try new things.

I plan to work on making a change to the things about me, that I really want to work with (insecurity / social fobia highest on that list).

I plan to do things that make me happy.

I plan to secure my self in case she pulls the hand break and does something stupid as [censored].

[sandi2]

Originally Posted by neffer

Disrespect is seeing OM while still M. You need to be strong H, no steps back. Time and patience. Keep DB.

As stated in the beginning of my threat, we aren't married, but have been living together for 13 years, and practically as if married - Just for your info, if you had missed it. So in fairness she is my ex, as she ended things, but we still live under the same roof, I don't know if your advice still applies.

I think the advice regarding respect basically stands. She has no respect for you as a man....and certainly not as her H. (For a wife, that type of respect is two-fold). It makes her lack of respect in you as her H more complicated, since you never legally M her. I would have to wonder if she didn't have some deep resentment that she bore you three children, yet you never married her. Anyway, if you lived as man and wife together for 13 yrs, then the law probably considers her having the same rights as a legal wedded W. If you haven't checked it out, you need to seek legal advice, ASAP.

After the visit, I went to pick up my kids, and we went for a walk in the city and looked at the beautiful christmas lights. I bought a pair of shoes, that I have been wanting for a while.

WW texted and asked when we would be getting home, so she could prepare dinner for the kids. She then asked me when we came in the door, if I would be going tonight again - I just said "yes". I told her some information that I had gotten in the daycare that she needed, and else I talked with the kids. I bathed the kids, then I sat down for 30 minutes with my kids and just laughed and had a good time. The youngest was really tired so I went into his room to tug him in (WW sleeps in there and has all her possessions there).

Okay, that's good. I get a little confused on whose week it is to keep the kids.

I noticed next to his bed, that there was a suitcase packed. I had a look, and yea [censored] me, I shouldn't have. It was filled with lingerie and stuff. She is going tomorrow to OM, and apparently its only to get laid, and then she planned on returning home.

I was really angry, even though im trying to play it cool.

I told her to come into the kitchen and said that I ment every word I had spilled yesterday about being so through with her. That it was so disgusting that she went out and did this is OM, who was not even into her (I SHOULD NOT HAVE TALKED ABOUT HIM, I know....) I said that our finances were being distributed and I needed her at the house saturday morning to do that (I also need to hit the gym). Other than that, I was not kidding when I informed her that she should find another place to stay, cause we didn't need her at the house. I also told her that I would not be coming to her mothers after the birthday party, and her mother knew why (She just smiled like "whatever"). Her answer to my statements were just "yes / no", and she didn't care at all.

It was not necessary to repeat what was previously said to her. This all came about as a result of you being angry when finding her lingerie & stuff. Although you were trying hard to play it cool......I think that's what led to the talk. This time, she was the one who came off keep her cool (even smiled to show that none of it bothered her).

She then said that she owned half the house, and therefore could come and go as she pleased - I didn't answer. I told her that the last nail in the coffin, was her getting on that birth control pill.

Well, sounds as if she's been doing her homework. Do you have a lawyer who will fight for "father's rights"?

I sat down a boundary with the advice from Sandi, and dumped her.

Just to clarify, what was your boundary you set?

She looked at me like nothing I said yesterday mattered, and it had no impact on her - I think it really just set me back, and pushed her into the arms of OM. Therefore, I am not going to bring it up again, unless she breaks my boundaries about talking to me about OM.

She's not listening to anything you say. The WW only notices action from her LBH. So, I agree that you should not have any more of these talks.

I plan to not be in the house with her when the kids are sleeping.

I plan to not engage or start any conversations related to OM, my whereabouts at night, or our relationship (whatever it is at this point)

I plan to and promise to go out and try things I have never tried before (not talking about reckless stuff here) but simply to expand on my social circle, and try new things.

I plan to work on making a change to the things about me, that I really want to work with (insecurity / social fobia highest on that list).

I plan to do things that make me happy.

I plan to secure my self in case she pulls the hand break and does something stupid as [censored].

Good goals. Next step is break them down into how you accomplish each one.

[Hurt213]

Update:

So a couple of days has passed, and I simply have not had the energy to journal over the weekend, so here goes.

Friday morning I went to work, knowing that WW would be going to OM and spend the night there (I am really struggling with controlling my emotions on these days <-- I don't say anything, I know she is going, she knows it, and thats it).

So friday after work, I picked up the kids, and we had a decent afternoon - my thoughts were all over the place. When the kigs were tugged in, I kinda broke down on the couch (it felt good afterwards). I realized, that my thoughts being about WW, took away my focus and willpower to be 100% dedicated to my kids that afternoon, and that really hurt. I decided there and then, that whenever I was with the kids, it will be 100% me and the kids.

I went to do do some financing later in the evening and wouldn't you know it... She used our mutual account to pay in a cinema 25 miles away (guess they don't want anyone to know). I just let it pass, even though it got to me a little (yea im being honest here...) However I plan to tell her, to reimburse the mutual account with the money she withdrew as I am not financing her dating life.

I went to bed early and woke up early (bonus!). Me and the kids had a great morning (implemented thoughts from friday), and just decided to "be in the moment with them". I them made them ready for a birthday party, that one of D's friends was hosting. Apparently WW was invited too. She came directly from OM, and I really felt disgusted.

When we got there, I was socializing with the other adults and trying to ignore WW. I waited until she had sat down at the table, and then seated myself on the opposite side. She then proceeded to stand up, and move around the table to sit next to me... WTF. She tried to play "Family" for the entire time we were there, interacting in conversations and trying to include me like: "oh yea haha, we also did that one year... it was great. Remember, Hurt?" I ignored her mostly, and smiled and engaged in conversations with the others and played with the kids.

She was real tired and on her phone for most of the time there (wonder why - not that I should care I KNOW :)). When we got back to the house later, she just took her jacket off, went to the couch, and fell asleep. The kids actually covered her with blankets and pillows, so they couldn't see her - That made me laugh somehow.

I went to bed early saturday after having tugged in the kids.

Sunday we woke up early. I cleaned the house (she actually helped). Then after S woke from his nap, I took both kids and went to the swimming pool for the day. When we came home, she had just arrived home from a run or whatever.

She tried a lot to engage in talk, and I answered her questions about the kids day. She proceeded to tell me, that she thought I was super great and awesome<--- yes her words.. for taking both kids with me to the pool by my self. I said, that I appreciated that, and the kids had a good time.

Later she made dinner, some fancy fish dish and she apparently also made my lunch <-- Guess she liked the day off.

I went to bed early, real tired, and I could hear that she stayed up for a while.

This morning her phone went off like mad (snapchat), and she came out of her bathroom like her behind was on fire. She took the phone, ran to her room, and I could her mad texting going on. Didn't care (lies, it annoyed me). She then came out of the room, asked me if I could take the kids to daycare so she could leave early... I immediately knew why, and I said no.

She then asked if I could pick up the kids from daycare this afternoon (im guessing so she can go to OM - thought in this is that she is going to find the time anyways, so I might as well pick up the kids so I can have quality time with them).

I plan to GAL tonight, might to see a movie (no, I won't be paying it from our mutual account LOL).

So, WW is still deep with OM for sure. She is being used as a no strings attached booty call, and she thinks that he will come around and evolve the feelings she craves if she just plays along.

Me, im just trying to mind my own business. I have read the DR book now, and it looks to me like my only option is to do the Last Resort Technique, work on my 180 behaviors and then GAL.

My D5 has begun wedding the bed from time to time, and that is totally new. S1 is really emotional these days. I think it has to do with what is going on, and we talked about it, because WW noticed as well - however it was all normal behaviour and had nothing to do with the current family situation according to her - Okay then...

Im being 100% honest with my feelings and behaviors, because that is the only way I can be told with 100% honesty, when I do something good, and when I am a retard that [censored] things up.... I don't take anything personal, I just really appreciate all the help.

Remember - Me and WW are not married, but have been together for 13 years. Maybe she is really just over me, I don't know if it is so different if you never "put a ring on it". Maybe she just sees it as a done relationship, and then really has moved forward with a new man, despite our history and two kids. I am still confused to this part, and that is why I don't really know if DR book applies to me in general.

[ballast]

Hurt..."PERHAPS" with 13 years together, your history and two young kids, given HER actions YOU should be done with the relationship and moving on. Married or not, I believe the advice you receive here is valid and applicable to your sitch. Yes there are the legal and spiritual aspects to marriage that are not in your sitch, but giving your love/trust to your partner and being blatantly disrespected/abused by a mother with two young children acting like girls gone wild...you get where I'm going with this.

If I were you I would abstract away your concerns about married/not married as it does not matter here. You deserve a loving reciprocal relationship built on trust AND your children deserve loving parents who place them first above all else. You sound better, more stabilized and focusing on your kids and your GAL. Keep going!

You need to change your perspective. It's not is she done with you, but rather should YOU be done with her? I will almost guarantee that the toughest part for you in that thought process is the impact on your children and trust me I completely get that, but if she is as wayward as she is and determined to be with OM, you need to get out of that abusive relationship first in order to be the best father you can be for your children. And don't kid yourself, she IS emotionally abusing you by her actions.

Praying for you buddy. Ain't no way else to handle it, but right straight on through it...keep going... you are not alone.

-B

[neffer]

Hurt, after 13 year of R, yep is a M. DR applies to life...

Good to be there for the kids, but you need to GAL more. Take time for you. Figure out a schedule to take care of the kids between W and you. Get out of the house and GAL. It helps you to detach.

Stay strong H, remember it´s a marathon and there are ups and down on the ground.

Detach.

[Hurt213]

Update:

So B,

it is actually amazing, how your advice to see her actions, and then trying to put them up towards my expectations of the person I am supposed to be in a R with. It triggers something inside me, that makes me fully understand how I am being mistreated (even though it doesn't stick yet).

Neffer,

I am definetely trying to GAL more. Yesterday I booked tickets for the cinema (okay don't freak out - I actually haven't been to the cinema for 3 years because, well, we have two kids - I see how much me and WW have neglected our relationship). I took my sister as an appreciation of all the support I have been given through this so far, and we watched Bohemian Rhapsody, and had a great time - I didn't think of WW until the end, where my thoughts unfortunately caught up, and I began thinking about how I would have loved to share this with WW (if she was not the person she is right now). It all began when Steve and his wife acknowledged that he was gay, and that their marriage could not continue - my thoughts began to drift to my broken relationship - oh well, what can you do.

So leading up to GAL yesterday:

I came home after work, and for the past 3 days, WW have been giving me a compliment every day (yea I know not to put anything into it, but its hard). She complimented me on taking both kids to the swimming pool. She complimented me yesterday on something she admired about me. And today she expressed gratitude that I always remember when there is "bring your toy to daycare day and these special days". <-- She has been complimenting me before about my clothes, but it was in the beginning, when the affair was REALLY deep, and I could read between the words back then, how she was just trying to show me that "oh you have plans? go out and have a good time, cause I absolutely don't care". And she didn't, which was obvious.

I know me thinking about it seems needy, and it probably is, but yea im faking it till I make it so to speak, and I am not talking with her about it of course. Yesterday she asked if I was going out, and I said "yes". Then silence - 5 minutes later she asks if I will be coming home to sleep, because if not, then she will have to shower before I go, as there will be no time in the morning, if she has to take the kids to daycare. I just responded I would be able to help the following day (but kept it a mystery, when I would be home).

I headed to the shower, put on some nice clothes, a nice cologne and, if I must say so my self, looked really good. I then went into the living room, kissed D4 goodnight, and got the elevator stare from WW. Usually in these situations where I go, she has been really "joyful" and almost cheering me out the door. Yesterday, she didn't even comment on my looks, clothes or anything. She just avoided my eyes and went straight to D4's room so she could tug her in. It actually satisfied me, being the one in control for once.

She is without a doubt in contact with OM, and im a wreck for paying so much attention to things I can't control, however this is my current state of mind, and I am working on bettering myself, which is all I can do.

I will GAL tonight again. She has been acting extremely kind the past days, and maybe she is just happy that I "dumped her", so she can move on, and maybe she is beginning to act on the fact that im not around the house, talking and chatting her up as I used to - Im not a fortuneteller so I don't know, and I won't spend mental energy trying to figure it out.

Plans for today:

Work 8 - 15.00
Gymnastics with my kids 16 - 18.00
Fitness 18.45 - 20.15
Coffee with a friend 20.45 - 21.30
Bedtime 21.45.

Sorry for my mess - I am just trying to put down into words, what are in my thoughts.

As always, thank you for all your contributions, they are so so helpful.