13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

[LH19]

Hurt,

I get really angry when I read your sitch at the disrespect your W shows you. I can't imagine the feeling you have knowing she's spending the night with another man. I'm am really sorry you are going through this right now.

Having said that, how does that make you feel? You don't have to be nice to her! Actually when you do it makes you look weak. You don't have to do family time. Do things individually. It will help you transition to being a single dad.

I am going to be honest with you. There is no technique, thing you can do or say that is going to turn this around. You are going to have to go through the process and make some major changes before you have a chance of turning this around. When I say that I mean that once you learn to love and value yourself you will instinctively understand that there is no way you would ever allow someone to treat you the way she is treating you. Once you get to that place, she will notice.

It's a long difficult process with no shortcuts but you have to go through it to get to the other side.

[ballast]

I get really angry when I read your sitch at the disrespect your W shows you. I can't imagine the feeling you have knowing she's spending the night with another man. I'm am really sorry you are going through this right now.

LH beat me to it. Completely agree with him H. I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through.

No family time, no nothing with her period other than kids/finances.

Again as I've said her complete and utter disrespect towards you I pray will push you forward. In no way will it be easy at all, but you need to drop all thoughts of her, only you and the kids and go through the pain. We are ALL in the same boat on going through the process so hopefully that can provide you some limited degree of comfort.

Praying for you buddy. Know you don't deserve the S**T she is putting you through!!

-B

[sandi2]

I have a question about her getting back home in the morning before the kids get up. Does she prepare breakfast, b/c it appears you do everything else, getting the kids ready for school, etc. Have you always gotten the kids ready for school? What does she do? There's a reason I am asking.

I feel like we shouldn't attend family Christmas things such as the local Christmas gathering this sunday with the kids, but that one of us should go? am I letting my kids down by doing it like this?

Is it her side of the family that is meeting for Christmas? No, don't attend. No, you aren't letting down the kids! If you were divorced you would not be attending her family's holiday celebrations. You said "local", so I suppose some type of community celebrations? Sure, one of you can attend with the kids......but I would not do anything with her as a family. It will be tough, b/c of the season, but it would be tough at any time of the year.

So I am at a loss currently on how to behave, and need some advice before tonight. Basically, I have applied the "After Last resort technique" and told her that I am done

Then be done with it! Act done with it! Why are you questioning if you should go somewhere together and play happy family again? You've told her you were done. Now back up your words.

In the heat of the moment, I told her that she is going to accept the real estate broker listen tonight, and that we are taking care of the last business so she can get on with her life. Was that a mistake?

The mistake would be in backing down. Although you spoke in the heat of the moment, you have to stick by your word.
You are not confused, you are simply second guessing yourself. Remember how angry you felt when you told her you were done? I bet you would not have immediately told her to get the kids and all of you would go out celebrating.

[neffer]

i’m sorry Hurt. No steps back from now on. No more: I told her... stop that. Set her free and get your own respect back. There’s no way to improve a thing if you stay on the actual MR situation. Time to let her go, you deserve better. I’m really sorry man. Free yourself from that torture.

My best wishes go to you and the kids. Be strong man. We are here if you need us.

Go man, go!

[Hurt213]

I don't know how to do quotes (im a moron sorry :D, i tried marking the text I want quoted, but it just quotes the entire post .)

Sandi; We have divided the weeks into a 7-7 in-house seperation agreement, which means, 7 days the kids are my sole responsibility and the other 7 they are hers (just like it will be when we move out). If one of us are not doing anything, say she has no plans like tonight, then I can of course go out, and I plan to! So it is not like she is spending 7 days at OMs house, she is there 1-2 times a week, and this morning she came home at 5 - 5.30 in the morning (i guess she slept there but woke up early and came home or she didn't sleep at all (doesn't really matter)).

The thing is, I haven't been very good at helping out with the kids and getting them ready, making breakfast and stuff while I was battling my depression, so I decided to 180 on that behaviour once I got better. I am now doing 90% of the morning stuff with the kids while she gets all fancy dressed up and put on her battle kit (make-up). I however am not doing this to be a pushover, but because I am now able to, and I enjoy it. It gives me some special morning moments with my kids, and its about me and them really.

The Christmas thing this sunday is a local community thing, and I have decided that she can go with the kids, I will not be going. I have also told her, that I of course will not be joining them for her families annual "Christmas Lunch" <-- don't know if that is the word.

I can understand the part about letting go to move forward and to protect my self from further emotional abuse from her part.

Neffer,
First of all thanks for another great helpful input!

I might be interpreting the wrong way, but it seems to me that you are saying neffer, that I should not bet on R ever, but move on to another future, because she is not worth the effort?

[neffer]

Being myself a former wayward, I can’t say you that. Because all of us have Hope. And that’s why we trust DB to help our sitches. So I say, let her be whatever she wants. It’s ok to have hope but you need to move on. You can’t sit waiting for her. You need to get her respect back and to do so you need to set her free. Maybe she comes back, maybe she doesn’t. It’s gonna be her life. You can’t be there expecting her. You are longing for the former W Hurt. She is not there. W must find herself first. Keep DBing man.

(((Hurt)))

[DejaVu6]

Thanks for that Neffer. I think I need to write that out and read it every day (substituting my name and H, obviously). That is really where we all need to get. Very well put. Short, succinct and 100% accurate.

[Hurt213]

Journal:

Today we sat down on the couch, and finished the last logistics (financials that needed to be separated). We also got the house listed for sale <--- She wanted that.

Then she asked about christmas, and I told her, that we would not be spending it together, as I had told her how I am feeling, and that I need to separate my life from us to me and the kids. She then said that she would like to make a change in the child agreement so that the days reflected those of OMs kids. I don't see no reason not to, however I said I would need to think about it. (the statement showed me, how deep she is with OM, when they are talking about scheduling the kids and stuff).

She then said, that this year,I could have the kids for christmas, and then I informed her, that New Years Eve with our usual friends was not happening. She could go somewhere else this year.

She then broke down when it all became too much, I let her cry it out.

I must say, it is a bit tough on me today. It feels like we took a HUGE step towards what will the two separate lifes.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So.. I think I had an epiphany, or maybe I am just making stuff up in my very drained mental mind at this point in time.

After having cleared all of our financials, and after the house is now official listed, we are basically "freed" from each other. And the "only" thing tying u together, are the kids. If not for them, we would simply be two strangers in the wind.

As I mentioned yesterday in my blog entry, she really broke down, when I informed her, that Christmas would not be a family thing. That I needed two put an end to all things we did together and do together, because this is the only way I can move on, without being dragged back in. I didn't condone her actions, yet here we where, and I weren't standing in the way for her.

She opened up after having cried for 10 minutes, and then she told me, that right now, she just didn't have it in her heart to stay and fight. Maybe in a year, two or five, she would reach out, and then, if I was available (not that I should wait), then maybe she would have realized what she had passed up on. I didn't validate or answer.

She said that, if she stayed and chose to fight to save her family, then it would be half hearted, and she would end up here again, because she wasn't fully invested (I know she isn't, because things are looking more and more serious with OM, talking about mutual child schedules and he is also coming back to her workplace to work (the affair started when the summer break began and at the company party they began, and he got a new job, so he was probably thinking it would be sweet to start the romance and not having to work with her anymore <-- guess what, that is not how things are turning out, good luck!).

I slept on all of the above information, and I just realized, and this is why i mentioned the epiphany at the beginning, that maybe, just maybe, this is what detaching is all about. Me realizing, that me and WW are no longer. That this is INFACT happening. We are going to move out, we are going to live our separate lives, and nothing will change that as of now. I will embrace this journey (Because until this point, all I have done is try to make her not go down this path - I realized that this is not about her anymore, I need to take control of my life, because my life is happening, and it shouldn't revolve around her anymore), learn from it, and maybe in the future, she will reach out, and if not, then adventures awaits me. I will be the man, only a fool would leave. She decided to leave, but maybe though my personal adventure, and the life I will pursue, she will see what she lost, and if not, another great person will see, what they can have.

It is really hard to come to this conclusion, because I know, it is what detaching means most likely. That I live my life with or without her, and I make it a damn great one. However I feel like I lost something really special by accepting and acknowledging this fact.

I would appreciate some feedback.

[sandi2]

I know that must have been very tough, Hurt. You have really shown a lot of strength and determination. I respect how you have stood up to her and told her how things will be. She would have used you to play happy family in front of others until the holidays were over, but nothing would have changed in the MR.

When she was saying how that maybe in five years or so her feelings might change toward fighting for her family......shows her arrogance. Who knows where either of you will be in five years, but there have been cases where the couple gets back together, even after divorce.

I will embrace this journey (Because until this point, all I have done is try to make her not go down this path - I realized that this is not about her anymore, I need to take control of my life, because my life is happening, and it shouldn't revolve around her anymore), learn from it, and maybe in the future, she will reach out, and if not, then adventures awaits me. I will be the man, only a fool would leave. She decided to leave, but maybe though my personal adventure, and the life I will pursue, she will see what she lost, and if not, another great person will see, what they can have.

You have taken action and made tough decisions. probably as quick as any newbie I remember. For what it's worth, I think you are doing a fine a job at taking back your b@lls. Getting through the holidays will be a challenge. Do what you need to do for yourself to wart off the depression.

((hugs))