Today I sent the email enquiring about the week away in Feb. I think I am definitely going to do it. It is a yoga / ski retreat in France. It looks utterly amazing. The only thing holding me back is the photos on the website and instigram are all of people who not only look like they having been doing yoga since birth, but are so ridiculously photogenic they could be professional models. I am going to do it anyway. Face my fears is the mantra of the moment.
I also treated myself to one of those cupping massages. It looks like two alien snakes have made there way on either side of my spine. Either that or I have taken up with some weird cult. Luckily it is winter over here so I can hide it under turtlenecks and jackets.
Lastly, I started my Christmas shopping. Well, started my Christmas browsing. Christmas shopping might have to wait until I have slightly more time and energy. I can't believe it has come around so quickly. It is impossible, as the Christmas decorations start coming out in the shops, to not think about last year. Last year was horrible. It was at the height of H's alien behavior. This time last year I was walking around on eggshells wondering what the hell had happened to my marriage. He was still here sulking in the living room, giving me dirty looks whenever he saw me and daring me to say something, anything, so he could have a reason to have a go at me. Looking back, I can't believe I made it through that. On the positive side, it is a sign of how far I have come. Sure, he no longer lives here, but these days, he doesn't look at me with utter contempt and I don't walk around wondering what I can do to not set him off.
Stream of consciousness vomit ...
I was reading a thread earlier which talks about the 'existential' crises. I didn't want to hijack his thread, so am doing a little stream of consciousness vomit here.
I have heard MLC described in these terms before. It was the term I used during MC to describe to the therapist what I thought was happening. I didn't want our marriage problems to be written off as a cliché. But seeing it in print today made me think about it again. I think we all have them - moving from one stage of our life to another, like a teenager leaving behind their childhood. We start to question who we are, the choices we made and whether we are happy with our lives and the direction it is going. When we go through this process, I think everyone probably finds some element of their lives lacking. You would have to in order to grow. Some of us internalize this and look at what changes we can make to ourselves. Others, externalize and blame others, and are left with that feeling, if only they could get away from their current lives, then they could be 'the person they were supposed to be'. My H had his crises earlier than I, and he chose the second path. I think we as the LBS are forced into having our crises early. Detach, GAL, 180 - these are tools to help us navigate not only our partners crises, but also our own. I see positive changes in me. I see snippets of the fearless girl with the world at her feet that use to be before a career, a household and mundaness of motherhood. I hope to see more of her. I hope to be able to see the world with the same wonder and optimism that I once did. My H, as long as he blames everyone but him for what is lacking, will never get to the next stage of his life. He will forever be stuck looking externally for what is lacking inside of him.
I completely agree FS. I told my H that he can’t divorce himself and he just laughed. Thought I was joking? Still feeling like cr@p and feels most like that in my company...therefore it must be me. I do think that, ultimately, it will be us LBS’s who triumph at the end of all this. We go through the pain and the process of self examination in a much more honest way... once we are over the shock and awe of the whole sitch. While I would not want to go through that pain again, I know there will come a point in my life when I will be grateful for it. I will know myself better. I will have more confidence in MYSELF. I will know that I do not NEED a partner in life to survive. I am really looking forward to getting there. For now I try to live mindfully, challenge myself, count my blessings and above all else, I keep the faith that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be and I accept it for what it is...with as few pity parties as possible. (((HUGS)))
I know I don't need a partner to survive. Though I am fine in social settings, and most people would say I was a 'fun' person to be around, if you dig a little deeper, my external extroversion is just a means of controlling my introversion. My H was right, given half the choice I would be content spending the rest of my life with my family. That was the plan. We would spend these years putting our children first, making sure they felt loved and secure, and then, when they left the nest, we would retire comfortably and spend our days travelling. We would keep this big house as a base for our children, who would visit for sunday lunch with their families and our grandkids would spend holidays with us. That's all gone. I am crying now as that future is in tatters. Our house will be sold. He will still travel the world (only affordable because he gets free flights) without me.
The fact that the future is unknown for me now should excite me. But it does not.
He came by the morning to take the children to school and there was more evidence of passive aggressive behavior. He is losing control and he does not like it. There was a couple of things said which upset him. I am going out tomorrow to meet a friend and can't help with childcare logistics (it is his day and I shouldn't have to 'help out'), I did not volunteer to buy the family Christmas cards this year and I reminded him that I still do not have the childcare schedule for December. He didn't say much really - just wouldn't look me in the eye. Normally he fusses over the girls until they are ready. This morning he took the bags to his car and sat in his car for 10 minutes until I sent the girls out. He didn't even say goodbye to me. No pretense that everything is as it should be. No rainbows and unicorns on his side of the fence this morning.
Mind reading. But I know my H and to be honest, his reaction today (to go and sit in his car) is unlike him. Normally, when he does not like something I say, he finds someway to turn it around and have a go at me ("you are selfish", "you are cold", "you do not care about your children") but today, he went quiet and then sat in his car. He made some nominal attempts to regain control "Make sure you're back by 5 tomorrow", "I will meet you at football on Sunday" (instead of picking me up as he usually does} but it was a fairly lame attempt.
I keep thinking, is this bringing us closer or further apart. It seems we are back in the IHS days when he was angry all the time. The difference now I guess is he knows he has no right to be angry, so instead of yelling at me, he goes and sits in his car.
I don’t think I would read too much into it other than what seems quite obvious. He is used to you accommodating him and being there for him. You have set your boundaries and you are sticking to them. He knows that he needs to adjust now. He knows he did this. The bloom is coming off the rose. The consequences of his actions are beginning to become apparent and of course he does not like it. Like you said... it is not all rainbows and unicorns on his side of the fence. He needs to sit there for awhile.
I know what you mean about your grief over your future with your H. That is a BIG one for me. My H and I were home free financially. No debts. A beautiful home. Money to travel and likely retire early. We also wanted to travel... or buy a big boat and spend our retirement years boating. That future is gone. We are going from one household to two. Sooner or later, one or both of us will have a mortgage. Our travel plans will be reduced to an occasional trip. We will only have one pension each to rely on instead of two. My H likely has not figured this out yet. He has never had to think of money before and I imagine his brain has not gotten that far down the road yet. He just wants to escape...the cost at this point is irrelevant to him. It will become more relevant as time goes on.
Don’t give up hope FS but keep GAL and DBing. I think everything is going well for you even though you don’t see that right now. He is thinking about things and he is likely having doubts but he won’t’ tell you that at this stage. He will just keep doing what he has been doing. The doubts will get bigger as time goes on. Stay the course. You are doing great!!!
I know what you mean about your grief over your future with your H. That is a BIG one for me. My H and I were home free financially. No debts. A beautiful home. Money to travel and likely retire early. We also wanted to travel... or buy a big boat and spend our retirement years boating. That future is gone. We are going from one household to two. Sooner or later, one or both of us will have a mortgage. Our travel plans will be reduced to an occasional trip. We will only have one pension each to rely on instead of two. My H likely has not figured this out yet. He has never had to think of money before and I imagine his brain has not gotten that far down the road yet. He just wants to escape...the cost at this point is irrelevant to him. It will become more relevant as time goes on.
This is why it is so important to get out of their way. Giving them time and space helps them realize what you posted. It doesn't mean that they are going to change their mind, but it may help.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I worked from home yesterday. The nice thing about my job is that they are so flexible. I can pretty much dictate my hours and whether I come in or not. H, as usual asked in the morning "are you going in today" to which I responded "I am not sure yet". I had a dentist appointment in the morning (so was sure) but I find his constant questioning intrusive now.
Sorting my teeth out is one of my 180's I guess. I am one of those people 'blessed' with good teeth so have never had to, apart from the odd checkup and hygienist appointment, never really had to worry about them too much. Until recent years. In the UK you need to book your dental appointments months in advance (unless it's an emergency - in which case you might get one in say, 2 weeks). I am a contractor so booking anything in advance and then taking a day off to attend an hours appointment didn't seem particularly practical or economical. Appointments over the last 2 or 3 years have been limited to absolute emergencies and, because once it got to that stage, I was usually in such pain, I would normally end up going to a private dentist in the middle of the city (so I could do it in my lunch hour). Long story short, I put band aids over the symptoms instead of taking the time to sort it out properly.
Strangely, my H has always had the teeth of a coffee addict. I couldn't understand it those early years we were together. His were yellower than mine and he didn't suffer from either of my addictions (cigarettes and coffee). In the year or so before BD he became obsessed with whitening them. He ended up getting special whitening stuff from Europe. His teeth are so white now that they would put Tom Cruise to shame. He use to say to me sometimes "why don't you get [name]" and I would shrug my shoulders and say "Not really for me".
Anyway, I am getting my teeth sorted and one more appointment and it is done. The dentist has also put me onto a gel for whitening them (prob. the same one my H has but under a diff. name).
My H picked the kids up after school, watched D9's football training and brought them both home. He only came into the hallway. I said something like "Are you running straight off" (as he said he wasn't hanging around after today) and he replied "Yep, I am going to the gym and then to play football with the dads". He still gives me too much information ... I think this is to make clear he is not going on a date ... which leads me to think that when he doesn't give me any information ... he is probably dating. No matter. I reminded him he needed to be here at 9:00 today and also that he hadn't given me the schedule for Dec yet. He looked at me strangely, said "OK" and started heading for the door. I walked him to the door, but he didn't even wait for me to close it, he pulled it closed as he walked out.
There is something not right ... he couldn't wait to leave. Is this the next stage?
I will write the timeline below and the events that preceded each:
Oct 17 BD: Anger and the spew (lasts until he is resolved to MO - Oct to Dec 17) Dec 17 agreed he would MO Dec 17: sadness and ignoring me (lasts until he MO's March 18) Mar 18 MO: Everything is fine, nothing to see here (lasts until I find out he is dating Oct 18) Oct 18 Find out he is dating: over the top niceness, around ALL the time and random acts of kindness (lasts one month - Nov 18) Nov 18 - I double down on Db'g: Passive aggressive, bursts of anger, can't be in the same room with me.
So, I ask those that have been here for a while, is his recent behavior normal? It seems we have regressed to his post BD behavior (but not as overt) and I do not know if what I am doing is right, or if I should go back to the 'friendly neighbor". I would describe my doubling down on Db'g more "detached manager" - there is no 'friendly' in there.
He’s struggling with something. Not sure what. Haven’t been around here long enough to really venture a guess but maybe he is starting to question some of his decisions? I think you just need to keep doing your thing and let him deal with it. Others may have more to say. Sorry... wish I knew.
How could anybody know? It's his story and his alone. You are separate entities. Let him do his thing, whatever that is. Friendly neighbour, detached manager, whatever works for you. It's to keep you strong. It's about you. I'm not sure it matters to such a degree, others may disagree. It's not designed to fix the marriage, that might be a lucky by product. We both know what doesn't work though.
Whilst I agree this process is about personal healing, it is also about trying to save our marriages. I know we can’t control them, their actions or their behaviours, should it not also follow that OUR actions and behaviours shouldn’t be designed to push them further away. It is a fine balance, regaining yourself AND not losing them more in the process.
One of my Hs ongoing “issues” with me through our M was how I dealt with conflict. I would shut down emotionally - to me this was processing - and then a few days later, I would be fine and things would go back to normal. His way of dealing was to blow up (in a passive aggressive manner) and then 10 mins later, he would be fine (no apology, no recognition that the event happened). He could not understand why I didn’t want to cuddle him on the sofa when 15 mins earlier he had had a go at me for something trivial - forgetting to put the recycling out,daring to have a different opinion about a political candidate. He blows up and is fine. I shut down, take some time, and then I’m fine. He use to say it was like I would flick a switch (detach) and then is flick it off again (not detached). So, my DBg could be for him, validation of all those resentments he felt.
For me - this is about being the lighthouse, no we don’t pave the road back with gold bricks and flowers, but sometimes it feels like we are purposely turning the light off - to leave them weathering the rocks on their own.
I don’t know - today, it just feels like he is really far away.
I know what you're saying FS I really really do. But you're looking at it as a rational human being and he's not. And you can't make him. I'm not saying push him away by being nasty etc but it looks from the outside that you're trying to second guess him and use the best strategy you can think of to win him back. You can't 'win' him back, he has to choose to come back, if you want him. I look at it as we are not turning the light off, but making sure it is also shining on us. Let it show the 'best us' by working on those things that we feel need improvement. For ourselves. Neither of our Hs are in a place at the moment where they really care what insight we have into our part in the breakdown or whether we can change. They think they know everything about us.
He knows your feelings on saving the marriage. Let him take his time to realise them and see if he wants the same, but don't chew yourself up trying to work out what he's doing or why.
