Happy Monday. Brief update from my phone while waiting for my ankle appointment. Sorry about that angry outburst ^^^^^.
Felt good on Friday/Saturday but NGS started creeping back in. Feeling guilty. But everyone on here, and people IRL, think it was the “right thing” to do. My gut tells me it’s wrong so I’m fighting that. Learning new skills here. Counterintuitive. Still fighting the fear. In my mind she’s so powerful, so manipulative.
I told her she can fill out paperwork but I wonder if it might make a strong statement to preempt her on filing. Wanted to run it by the L today but she’s out of town for the week. So it will have to wait. Parents seem to think that it will send the message, to her and to myself, that I am strong enough to face the impending conflict with honor and dignity. And that it’s only the beginning and can be paused or cancelled at any point. And that maybe, just maybe, after a couple power moves from Burned and some time to think about the reality, time with her parents for Thanksgiving to sit there and really think about if this is what she wants, time for the fantasy to keep crumbling, that maybe there were some good aspects to the M...might spark something in her. I don’t buy it, but it’s consistent with what people here are saying, so let’s go with it.
Like I said, I don’t buy it. And over the weekend I got to the point where I can entertain the notion that even if she did make some huge drastic change of heart, I might not want her back. So now I have to think about that aspect, too.
More later. Thoughts or 2x4s welcome. Onward!
Last edited by burned; 11/19/1804:51 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Nope on the filing first statement. You are only doing it to invoke a reaction. Don't do it. You will not find anyone on these boards who will say filing first is/was a good idea.
Do not go worrying yourself what will/would you do if she came begging to take her back. You are waaaaays from there, loooong ways. You can worry about that when/if it happens. There is a good chance that it will not, so it is best not contemplating about it ATM.
Protect yourself first. Cover all the bases, hedge your exposure and risks. Look after your health, and well being. Line up some GAL activities and prepare for holiday blues. It might hit you somewhat, esp. given the fact you will not be spending it with your W.
Know that you will be OK and make plans to thrive.
I would disagree with you and anyone who would say to file for D to prove anything to yourself or to attempt to get a reaction out of W. In my mind, the only reason to file for D is because you want D or because you need to protect yourself legally for some reason. If you don't want D, I wouldn't do anything. Trying to do it to provoke a response from her is an attempt to control her. You want to run the opposite way - let her go. If you let her go she may or may not decide to come back, but as long as she feels you are trying to control her there is no way that she comes back.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
So just demonstrate self-respect by refusing to engage with a bully, and prepare to defend myself if needed. Other than that, get my mind off of it.
I don’t have much else I can do to push back. I’m just being patient and taking care of me now.
Obviously still not detached yet, thinking there’s always a chance. That little hope helps keep me going but also keeps me attached, I think. Spent the weekend with the parents and they’re hammering away at me with the tough love ultra rational approach.
I don’t know why I got so amped up when I started feeling like I had some control and I could fight back. I wish I could bring some of that feeling back.
Read chapter 16 of Robert Greene’s book The Laws of Human Nature about aggression and passive-aggressive types and it was a real eye-opener. Lots more to say about that but not from my phone.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
as long as she feels you are trying to control her there is no way that she comes back.
That’s why it kind of feels like “cutting her off” backfired. I’m really frustrated, I’m in a sort of damned-if-you-do situation. She can twist it in her favor no matter what. Ughhhh.
It’s frustrating because EVERY time I feel good about taking action, there’s always some way it comes back around and I turn out to have been wrong. But if I do nothing I feel weak. So I can’t refuse to engage, but if I engage I make the sitch worse? But then by making it worse short-term it makes it better long-term? I’m exhausted by all of the thinking.
Last edited by burned; 11/19/1805:11 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
prepare for holiday blues. It might hit you somewhat, esp. given the fact you will not be spending it with your W.
Know that you will be OK and make plans to thrive.
Yup those started hitting me yesterday so I need to be proactive. Reading challenging/engaging books to keep my mind occupied.
Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday and it was so nice spending it at W’s parents’ place. Something I looked forward to for months ahead of time. So it will be hard. Thankfully my friends invited me to their place, so I will be with good people.
Last edited by burned; 11/19/1805:17 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It’s frustrating because EVERY time I feel good about taking action, there’s always some way it comes back around and I turn out to have been wrong. But if I do nothing I feel weak. So I can’t refuse to engage, but if I engage I make the sitch worse? But then by making it worse short-term it makes it better long-term? I’m exhausted by all of the thinking.
You are over-thinking it.
Don't worry about how she will react to your actions. That is her problem. Act in a way that is consistent with your values and what you believe in, that way you win no matter what. Right now you are still trying to base your actions on her and what she is going to do. You have to let go of that. You can't control her reactions.
Your sitch may very well get worse. She may react very poorly to what you do exactly because she feels like she is losing control over you. Again, you can't control that. But if you try to cater to her and her reactions you are definitely not going to get anywhere.
Hang in there. Try to get out and GAL, take your mind off your sitch for a while if you can.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I told her she can fill out paperwork but I wonder if it might make a strong statement to preempt her on filing. Wanted to run it by the L today but she’s out of town for the week. So it will have to wait. Parents seem to think that it will send the message, to her and to myself, that I am strong enough to face the impending conflict with honor and dignity.
This feels like a backwards line of thinking to me. Like you are pondering the pluses and minuses of filing for divorce. I think you should be much more focused the other way. What are your goals. Is your goal to "make a strong statement"? I doubt it. So what are you trying to gain, learn, do, etc overall? How does this fit in to your plan? STart from that point of view always.
Here’s where I’m getting super confused by the “let it be” vs. “take back your b@lls” advice. My instinct is to let it be. Then I do something, like “cutting her off,” which made me feel quite a bit better for a couple days. Which also prodded ger into action. And now I will have to follow through, and it was a weak move because, first, it reinforces her belief that I am trying to control her by not letting her get at the money, and second, because legally speaking she is entitled to it as much as I am. And I’ve done plenty of spending against her wishes, that may be the #1 issue she had during the M.
But other than that I’m dark, and trying not to dwell on what effect it’s having on her. I see no real changes in the sitch. I try to keep in mind the idea that it may feel like she’s getting further away now that I’m not pursuing. But the train is heading down the track, it seems. I’m still willfully refusing to let go, I’m told.
Do I feel ever so slightly better? Maybe. Depends on the day. Reading self-help books about coping with D is apparently a really bad idea. Overwhelming tasks ahead of me. Plus dreading the holidays. Normally we’d be on the way to her parents’ right now, during my favorite time of year. But it’s all different now.
Will something happen in her heart or in her mind when she spends the week with her family? A little increase in doubt, a little bit of wondering? Burned was always the one to carve the turkey. Where is burned? It seems wrong without him. That’s how it plays out in my mind. But the reality is probably more along the lines of, poor W, burned isn’t here but that’s OK, you’re a good person, let’s cheer you up. Ugh.
Plus whatever strategy she takes, aside from ignoring and avoiding (which was always my strategy until BD), I’ll inevitably botch the interaction and dig the hole an inch deeper.
The overall feeling is frustration, because my goal is to “get her back” but my real goal should be “build a life without her” and I’ve been sort of lazy about working toward the latter goal. So, there I am.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I don’t see anything wrong with your final goal being “Have a successful marriage with my wife”. But then I’d break that down further because that isn’t really actionable at the moment. So what do you need in order to make that happen: 1) adopt successful relationship skills 2) be attractive to my wife 3)....
Then you can break those down further - 1-1) form good interpersonal habits 1-2) develop skills for maintaining a healthy personal attitude 1-3) develop skills for maintaining a happy home And then you can break those down further and so on until you get to things that are actionable. It’s too hard to say “how does INSERT ACTION HERE match with my overall goal?” If you don’t have it broken down to show how it fits in to your overall structure.
You need a map because it feels rudderless right now. And with that, you lose direction and focus and can become “stuck” or “frustrated” because you have no way of measuring your progress except by what your wife does.
You took the time to set goals for yourself - why would you NOT follow them? YOU are the priority. Nobody else is going to do t for you.
