Well it was a tough weekend. I have been sick so GAL and the gym and any other form of leaving the house pretty much came to a halt so I was at home with W and the kids most of the weekend. Yesterday was especially difficult. D9 is an emotional mess. She is crying frequently, doesn't want to go to dance, is wetting the bed. I have her booked for counseling this Thursday so hopefully that will help her out. The really tough part is W chalks it up to D9 going through pre teen changes and keeps saying it is normal. Now I'm no expert in this matter but I do not think it has anything to do with that at all. W is also crazy critical with all three kids. Constantly yelling at them and getting overly angry about the dumbest things. Sunday for example D4 wanted water in a water bottle. W freaked out because supposedly the water bottles " Are for school only and when we are at home we use a cup". D4 got upset and did what most 4 year olds would do, she refused to drink water out of a cup. Eventually I had to step in and advised W that I wasn't trying to over rule her parenting but D4 was thirsty, was making a healthy choice by having water and needed to stay hydrated regardless of what vessel that water came from.
Saturday night the neighbors called me over. I was under the impression that they just wanted to hang out but it turns out they wanted to discuss the situation. They had previously asked some questions when they noticed W was never around at the BBQ's we often have or any of the other events we often did so I had advised them that we were headed for divorce and left it at that with zero details. They really wanted to express concern for the kids and filled me in on a bit. Most of it goes along the same lines of W being over critical. They have heard on multiple mornings W yelling and screaming at the kids. I'm not sure yet how I am going to handle the conversation I obviously need to have with W yet on this matter but something needs to be said.
Another topic that came up was W's girlfriend. I have often thought that there was an affair going on but couldn't say for sure. W was spending a ton of time with one of her new younger girlfriends form work but I always figured it was W's attraction to the younger lifestyle with no real responsibilities, night after night of partying or just emotional support through this difficult time. This girl recently split with her long time boyfriend but again I thought nothing of it. The neighbors informed me though that within 5 minutes of the kids leaving for school in the morning this friend is showing up almost every day, staying for an hour and then leaving. Now who knows what any this actually means but could it be that I was right to suspect an affair but was thinking of it all wrong? Am I dealing with an OW situation instead of an OM? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really make much difference with where I am at but something that is on my mind.
Bed wetting is something that is occurring with both of my D5 and D8. My IC informed me that this is not uncommon for children going through D. My IC says that it a response to the stress and fear they are dealing with. Just be supportive as much as you can for your kids. Let them know you are not upset with them wetting the bed and be sure to let them know your MR problems have nothing to do with them.
Many therapist consider EA to be possible with the same sex. It may or may not have anything to do with your W sexual preference. If W and her GF are both going through troubled times they maybe leaning on each other for support and enabling. This could be an EA, could be more, or nothing more than friendship. It shouldn't change the course for you unless you want it to. As I have said in my posts it is like once you summit a peak and find a taller peak behind it. Just keep climbing, just keep moving forward.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/13/1806:23 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
At the end of the day who ever W is seeing doesn't really matter or change my direction. It's just one more piece of the 10,000 piece puzzle I'm trying to build with only 100 pices currently in hand.
Again I'm no expert put I know fairly certainly that the emotional breakdowns and bed wetting are all caused by the stress D9 is under. I maintain my great relationship with them and try and get them through this as best I can. I sleep well at night knowing I am such a good father and have such a great relationship with my kids.
Having one of those days where I just feel like throwing in the towel, getting this Alien out of my life and moving on. i really just don't know how much of this I can take.
I maintain my great relationship with them and try and get them through this as best I can. I sleep well at night knowing I am such a good father and have such a great relationship with my kids.
This is what I strive for and pray about every day. My kids are 19 and 21, but my IC told me I was wise to recognize that S and D can be very hard on adult children too. I have always been very close to them, and am confident I'll remain so. I sleep well at night too knowing that I am there for them. I wonder what H thinks about his R with his kids, but that's his dance, not mine.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
Having one of those days where I just feel like throwing in the towel, getting this Alien out of my life and moving on. i really just don't know how much of this I can take.
I've felt like this all week! I'm early in this process, but as the end of our "Trial" 2 month separation comes near, I wonder if I can go on if he has come no closer to figuring out what he wants. I am just trying to focus on myself and MY future, and of course spending as much time as I can with my kids when time allows (they are away at college). I need to go through the process of healing myself and finding myself either married or not, so I am trying to not waste too much time dwelling on what I can't change. But this week was really, really tough for some reason.
Yesterday was especially difficult. D9 is an emotional mess. She is crying frequently, doesn't want to go to dance, is wetting the bed. I have her booked for counseling this Thursday so hopefully that will help her out. The really tough part is W chalks it up to D9 going through pre teen changes and keeps saying it is normal. Now I'm no expert in this matter but I do not think it has anything to do with that at all.
D12 is the same. Not bed wetting but getting upset easily, crying at the smallest things and has reoccurring tummy pain. At first, H used the same excuse "pre-teen angst". I think he was partly right - she is a pre-teen and they do get anxious. But it is not inconceivable that her parents splitting up may also have contributed. They live in a fantasy world where nothing they do impacts anyone. That way they don't have to feel the guilt of their actions. You are doing the right thing getting her counselling. Don't bad mouth your W in front of them and remind them (hard as it will be at times) that you both love them very much.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
W is also crazy critical with all three kids. Constantly yelling at them and getting overly angry about the dumbest things ... Saturday night the neighbors called me over ... They really wanted to express concern for the kids and filled me in on a bit. Most of it goes along the same lines of W being over critical. They have heard on multiple mornings W yelling and screaming at the kids.
Yep - went through this too. Once, H D12 lost her PE kit and when he found out he drove her to the school at night, made her walk around the school looking for it (she couldn't find it) then drove her home (screaming at her the entire time - irresponsible, why do you lose everything, that kit cost �300 which I am taking out of your savings). We were all walking on egg shells. Not sure why this happens. I think it is because they feel trapped and they resent everything that makes them feel that way.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
I'm not sure yet how I am going to handle the conversation I obviously need to have with W yet on this matter but something needs to be said.
"I understand that things are difficult between us at the moment but I would like it to not impact the children. I think we should work together on this. What can we do to make things easier for them?"
Originally Posted by RyanHun
Am I dealing with an OW situation instead of an OM? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really make much difference with where I am at but something that is on my mind.
Nope - doesn't matter. Net impact is the same.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
Having one of those days where I just feel like throwing in the towel, getting this Alien out of my life and moving on. i really just don't know how much of this I can take.
I think there is something in the air. Today has been a total [censored] of a day and I too feel like throwing in the towel. I think life would be so much easier if I was willing to throw away 14 years of marriage on a whim.
Came home last night after picking D9 and S7 up from after school care. Walked in the house and W was making dinner, something that has not happened in years. I got the kids to sit down at the table and start the nightly homework regime and W jumped in and helped out. It was such a nice time, it was a brief moment our family was back. I was happy, the kids were happy, there was laughter and joy. I took it all in and really just appreciated the moment. Homework finished we enjoyed dinner together and sat down to a quiet evening with the kids in front of the fireplace reading some books. Getting close to bed time W stands up asks me to move my car so she can get hers out and leaves. My evening of bliss came crashing down. What started as such an amazing evening quickly turned into the new normal, me putting the kids to bed, trying to answer their questions as to where Mom is, D9 crying at the slightest thing that doesn't go smoothly (last night was getting the toothpaste out of the tube).
After the kids were asleep I went downstairs made a cup of tea and tried to do some reading. I couldn't do anything. I just sat there on the couch all night feeling everything that is going on. I didn't think my heart could break anymore. I thought is was shattered as much as it could be and now I could start putting it back together on my own but it keeps breaking more and more. I have no idea who this person is in front of me that I now call my roommate. We really were an amazing family and it just baffles me to see where things are at now. I maintain a lot of inner strength, I know I made mistakes but I don't deserve this. I know I will only grow from this and be a much better person when I come out the other side. The hard part is the kids. I have three of the most amazing kids imaginable and they of all people really do not deserve any of this. W isn't just a WAW or WW or whatever label you want to stick on it. First ond foremost she is a WAM, (walk away mom). This Alien that has taken taken over has taken her from being the most amazing mother I have seen, someone who wanted nothing more then a family a short time ago and did everything she could to be the best mom possible to the point now that I can't really say anything positive about it. Seeing what this is already doing to my kids and how much it is changing them is tearing me apart inside.
One positive last night is that I really just took it all in and really felt it and this morning I feel like I have taken a big step further in detaching. It really just sunk in that the marriage and family that i once cherished so much are gone. I value my W and my family more then anything in this life and will do everything in my power to hopefully one day find a way to make it work but for now this is reality.
This weekend was a bit weird and this in home separation is not an ideal situation. W just doesn't grasp the reality of what D actually means it seems. Saturday was my usual day of daddy Uber driving the kids to various activities all morning while W works. D9 has been wearing a lot of costume earrings and appears to have had a reaction to them so her ears were a mess but she has lost her good earrings so on Friday I told her I would take her to get a pair after dance on Saturday. Sat afternoon heading to pick up D9 from her last dance class W calls, not sure why I answered but I did. W asks what I'm up to and I advised I was picking D9 up and taking her to find some new earrings. W gets very upset and keeps stating that she wants to be there as well. S7 and D4 were in the car listening to the conversation so I advised W that was fine we could go Sunday together. I should have just stuck to my plans and taken D9 shopping. While on the phone with W S7 mentions that I am taking them to see a movie later on (W has plans to go out Sat night). Again she gets upset because she wants to be there. I said she was welcome to join us. Me and the kids did our thing for the rest of the afternoon and then went up to our movie that evening. W showed up half way through the movie, we grabbed dinner afterwords and then put the kids to bed. W got herself ready and went to head out. Before leaving W made some comments about all the stuff I am doing with the kids and not including her in.
Not sure if I should have or not but I took this opportunity to fill her in a bit on the reality of the sitch. I advised her that there is no more "we" as she keeps referring to it. That there is my time with the kids and her time, I also reminded her that I am still waiting on her input for what that schedule might look like. I mentioned that she will not always be involved in everything anymore and neither will I, that is the nature of divorce. Neither one of us will be 100% involved in everything that is happening anymore. W brought up things like birthdays and Christmas. I advise that if she wanted us to participate in those events together then we could certainly discuss that and possibly make arrangements but activities like earring shopping do not constitute a major life event that we both need to make special arrangements to do together. W then kept bringing up this idea she has for "Nesting". I advised her that I do not feel like that is any way to live, that we can not afford a second property and for various reasons I do not want to be involved in a second property with her even if we could afford it. W was not happy but that is the truth.
W then brought up the fact that I'm "forcing her to sleep on the couch" to which i reminded her that she is free to sleep where she pleases, including the master bedroom on her side of the bed but I will also be there since I enjoy sleeping in my bed. A lot of nasty words came my way and I started to slip up and while I did still remain fairly level headed and calm some anger did creep in when I once again told her that I still didn't want anything to do with this separation but I accepted her decision and she was free to do what she felt was best for her. I mentioned that If she wanted to leave she was free to do so, (this is where some of the anger showed a bit) I asked her if she did want to leave so bad why was she still there? I reminded her that her parents house up the street was empty for three months and would be a perfect place for her to stay. She said she would stay at her parents, we could figure out the child sharing schedule and she stormed out and headed off to whatever plans she had for the night. Sunday morning at 11:00 am she walked in the front door. Was overly friendly and carried on about the day like we were a normal happy family and nothing was the matter. Last night she was back to sleeping on the couch.
Sounds like you handled the convo quite well Ryan, and drew some appropriate boundaries regarding splitting of time with the kids. Now stick to your guns! Consistency is important. She's trying to cake-eat and you are shutting it down. She will respect you for it, but she will never tell you that and will probably pitch a fit instead. But it's the right thing to do! Keep at it!
I've done a quick read of your situation RyanHun, and I feel for you. I've gotta say though, I especially appreciated your post about the new hair cut. Yes! So glad to see another person trying to take risks for yourself, be your best version and acknowledge that you're still learning and trying. It has all resonated with me as I'm also pretty new in this process and I'm just trying to get through in the healthiest way possible.
I'm not someone who wears makeup, but I've found myself intentionally wearing my power lipstick, putting on a bit of mascara, and dressing extra nice for work every day. It's a bit foreign, but I feel like I'm trying on different versions of myself to see who fits.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
It really just sunk in that the marriage and family that i once cherished so much are gone. I value my W and my family more then anything in this life and will do everything in my power to hopefully one day find a way to make it work but for now this is reality.
This is my mantra as well - "this is my current reality". I've had to keep reminding myself that I have two wives. The first is who I shared the past 9+ years with who I loved dearly and who loved me back. The other is this current person in pain, who is acting out in insane ways.
