Then maybe the first step is figuring out what this schedule is FOR? Is this where the kids will be sleeping? Or who will be watching them at the family home while the other person is “off”...?
This is where the kids will be sleeping when they are with her and I am currently in the family home. After she kept on Saturday about wanting to leave and complaining that I was sleeping in the master bed and she was on the couch I had made the suggestion that if she wanted space or to sleep in a bed her parents house was currently sitting empty for just under three months. She left Sat, came back Sun then left again yesterday but this time took the kids without a word. Today she sent me the schedule and then I heard from various mutual friends that she was very angry that I had kicked her out of the house.
The kids will always be sleeping at the family home? Or when they are with her, they will be sleeping at her parent's in the interim?
Id say if it is just who is "home" on what nights or who is "responsible on what nights, then the wacky schedule isnt a huge deal. If it is a matter of the kids packing up and moving between homes, then I think you need more consistency.
I am working purely on assumptions and W's actions. I have asked her point blank what the plan is with no answer. Monday she packed up the kids things for the night and her things, told me a lie about what the plan was but kept the kids at her parents place with her. So my assumption is that the kids will be sleeping there with her. Without any response from her I think right now my best bet is to see what she does over the next couple of days. I suspect the kids will sleep with W at the in laws.
I don’t have kids so I can’t offer any specific advice there. But: in clinical research we use the acronym “ALCOA” to stress the importance of documentation.
A: attributable (clear that you wrote it) L: legible C: contemporaneous (written when it happened) O: original (blue pen!) A: accurate
I don’t think it would hurt to take some handwritten notes when something comes up that you think might be a problem later. Get one of those composition books that you can’t tear pages out of. Sign and date each entry. Cross out the rest of the line after your signature/date so nobody can say you added anything later. You can even take a photo after you write something (timestamps in photos are very hard to modify permanently).
Think of it as your lab notebook. That kind of evidence is spectacular in court. Just some paranoid advice from a paranoid nerd.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Getting used to the kids sad faces when they leave is not going to be easy. All they wanted to do tonight was hang out with their Dad. My heart just keeps ripping apart over and over.
Not much to report lately. Having W stay at IL's while they are away is actually really nice. I miss having the kids around every day but I am also really enjoying the free time. For some time I was always the one doing all the cooking, cleaning, running around the kids to activities, bed time routine with the kids, pretty much everything. Being free of all of that 50% of the time is allowing me to catch up on some much needed down time. Just being able to do what ever I want without keeping someone else in the loop or having to worry about the household schedule feels great. I come hoe from work the house is clean, I make dinner, clean up the mess from that, sit and read, go to the gym and just generally relax. Tonight the kids come back and we will start getting all the Christmas stuff out. Tomorrow I have a bucket list GAL activity planned, myself and 3 others from my mens group are going sturgeon fishing. Hopefully we get a nice big one.
Monday update: For now the kids schedule is W: Sun, Mon, Thurs Me: Tues, Fri, Sat and we are alternating Wed. W agreed when I brought up the amount of switching and when I asked if she could change her work schedule she mentioned she had requested to change, given her recent track record of not actually doing anything when it comes to adulting I am skeptical of her statement but we will see. For the short term we will make this work.
Friday night was tough for me, took the kids up to swimming lessons (the pool W runs). Sitting in the hot tub I looked over into the office and W was all over a gentleman she works with. It could be me making more of it then what it is but it looked bad. W came over at one point to say hi to the kids, I said hello and asked how work was going, no response. Same thing when we left, I said bye and she just walked away. After getting the kids to bed I sat and just really felt all the horrible emotions but really looked at the person that was once my wife and the relationship as a whole and made a big step forward in detaching. Still a long way to go but I'm getting there.
Saturday was an amazing day. 8-2pm was out on the river hanging out with friends fishing and we had an awesome time together. I landed the last fish of the day and it was a monster, measured in at 96". My arms are still killing me but the sense of achievement landing such a big fish is indescribable. Saturday night I went out to a craft beer/whiskey festival and then headed off to bed.
When I woke up Sunday I had a text from W. As per her multiple request we were going to hang out Sunday and decorate the house for Christmas together with the kids. The text in the morning however mentioned all kinds of plans that had come up for the kids. I simply responded OK, after all it was W's day with the kids and it looked like they had a full day with their friends. I spent all day doing housework and putting up the outside lights. At 4pm I get a messaage form W. W: Are we still decorating? Me: If you would like. W: I thought that was the plan. ( I'm thinking it was the plan and the kids were looking forward to it but you made other plans) Me: I will make dinner and you can bring the kids by and we can get a start on decorating. W: The concert the kids are at goes till 5 then we will come by: Me: Sounds good.
6:30 rolls around dinner is done and W finally shows up. We enjoyed dinner and put up a few things but it was now close to bedtime for the kids so not much got done. W asked me to put the kids down at the house so that's what I did. Came downstairs and she was heading out the door. I wished her a friendly goodbye and enjoyed my evening. This morning I got them off to school and then dropped D4 at the in laws with W. W asked me to keep the kids tonight as well so I said sure. W did not look good, I asked how she was and she said not good and exhausted. I know I shouldn't be reading into this but it seems like the extra responsibility she has now is taking it's toll. Reality is not what W expected. Her leaving and us splitting time with the kids has decreased my workload and increased hers significantly. Whatever the reason for her wanting me to keep the kids I'm fine with it, she can leave them with me 7 days a week if she likes.
Last night and this morning I really realized how much Friday night helped me move further towards detaching. Seeing W fora couple hours yesterday and then again this morning really didn't phase me. The intense emotions I was always getting when I see her were now much less. They were still there and I have a long ways to go but there was noticeable improvement.
