Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

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You go out looking hot and his mind is going to spin all over the place. It's human nature to want what we can't have, even if that's the spouse we've had forever. If a man rejects his spouse and then sees her being aloof towards him and going out looking like a million bucks, well suddenly he realizes the prize he's looking for was right under his nose all along. I'm not saying you can change his mind in a day or week or month but work on this and somewhere down the road he's going to start kicking himself.

[Ready2Change]

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WAW only. WAW/WW. WAW/WW/w/MLC.

NONE OF IT MATTERS!!

The things you should be doing are the same. Detaching. Learn to be okay on your own! GAL. Don't be so wrapped up in your primary relationship. GAL is UBER important, so double-down on it. Look at your own toxic behavior and 180 on it.

Either you WAW, Or WW. Or W w/MLC will come around or she won't. Your focus is on YOURSELF, not on HER.

[Ready2Change]

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A lot of WW's are extremely manipulative. By the time the H comes to the board for help, his WW has usually stepped over several of the H's personal boundaries, and maybe even boundaries in the M. However, we find many H's filled with so much fear that they are paralyzed to stand up for themselves. They want to apply soft, sweet, bubble soap to the dirty WW situation......and it just doesn't get the job done. (Refer to my description of the WW mindset.) When he reads about men taking back their b@lls, he wants to pull out and find something that will tell him to buy her flowers, clean the toilets for her, have long talks by the fireside, and act like her BFF. Some guys don't even know what we mean by reclaiming his b@lls. They don't realize that when they have a WW, it's all about her loss of respect for him as a man/husband. The lack of respect has killed her desire/attraction for him. Until he gets her respect, none of that other stuff works to draw her desire for him as a man.

He has to work on the respect factor, first. ...that means he has to show her that she can't run over him. He's not going to be her doormat.

[burned]

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By pursuing her you're proposing that your wishes are more important than hers, and she's going to resent you for that.

DB in a nutshell.

[Phoenix9]

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...all cheaters lie.

[burned]

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I have NEVER ONCE heard of someone asking their WAS if they had changed their mind and had the WAS said "you know what, I have, I didn't know if I should say something because you seemed so done, but let's give it a try." That NEVER happens. What does happen is the WAS will INITIATE that convo. THAT is when you know.

[burned]

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What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful?

She will act like you did when you were BD.

[Ready2Change]

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Cancel the shared accounts as soon as possible, but do bear in mind that the funds in it will more than likely be split 50:50. Consult a lawyer on this one, but do take action, every day wasted can mean huge problems. As well as shared savings, shared debt is also distributed 50:50, so you can find yourself in a lot of hot water really fast. Try explaining to the banks that you were "separated" when the debt was accrued, they will not give a flying fcuck. MArried on paper, you are responsible for debt. Period.

Again, do not wait, act! Procrastination is the mind killer.

I know you are afraid to make waves. What is she going to do? LEave you again? LEt her leave. You cannot stop her, and why would you want to? The best favor you can do to yourself is to release that that not want to be tied to you.

[Ready2Change]

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You are over-thinking it.

Don't worry about how she will react to your actions. That is her problem. Act in a way that is consistent with your values and what you believe in, that way you win no matter what. Right now you are still trying to base your actions on her and what she is going to do. You have to let go of that. You can't control her reactions.

Your sitch may very well get worse. She may react very poorly to what you do exactly because she feels like she is losing control over you. Again, you can't control that. But if you try to cater to her and her reactions you are definitely not going to get anywhere.

[Twofeet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2822475&page=7

Month 4 for me. That's still considered "nothing", even though a lot of changes have been made and sticking.

What is considered a "good" DBing time? If such a thing exists?

It's a great question because most people come here with unrealistic expectations about how long it takes to save a M. I've been around here a little bit and I've seen many sitches play out. And knocking on the door of 60, I've seen many play out IRL as well. Here is the pattern I've seen time and time again:

1. BD
2. LBS is sad and desperate and needy and doing anything to get WAS back, frantic that everything they are doing is "wrong" and desperate to know what are the "right" things to do to make things normal again
3. LBS works on themselves following a bunch of "steps" all with the thought of bringing the WAS back
4. WAS is still not interested, so LBS declares they are over WAS and moving on and will be fine with or without the WAS, while both feet are still planted firmly in 2 and 3
5. LBS realizes this really isn't going to "go back to normal" or be cured overnight
6. LBS starts rebuilding their life and REALLY letting the WAS go
7. LBS starts coming out of the fog and realizes the folly of 2-4 above
8. LBS drops the rope, embraces GAL, starts to find happiness again
9. WAS discovers that the life of freedom and fun they thought they were achieving is not there, begins working on themselves and wrestling with their internal demons
10. WAS starts to miss the LBS

I bet if I asked any of you, even the newer people, to name who here is in steps 2 and 3 and who is in 8 you'd be able to tell me with 95% accuracy for anyone except yourself. Just about all of you that have been here less than a year are in 2 and 3. Most of you are trying hard to convince yourselves you are in 6-8, but you are not even close. And let me tell you, you CANNOT make any wise decisions about ANYTHING when you are in 2-3. This is why we constantly counsel LBS's to WAIT before making any decisions regarding S or D. You are not in the right frame of mind, and worse, you DON'T KNOW you're not in the right frame of mind.

PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE.

Now that I've said that, not all sitches make it to these steps but many (maybe even most) do:

11. WAS wants to reconcile
12A. LBS has moved on to the point that they no longer want to reconcile with the WAS. Reasons usually include "I never want to go through that again" and/ or "once I came out of the fog I realized he/she wasn't that great of a person after all."
12B. LBS decides to give recon a try
13. Recon

Of course every LBS wants to know how long it takes to get to 11. The answer is: a lot longer than most have patience for. I've seen it happen in less than a year maybe twice. I've seen more in the 1-2 year range. I've seen most in the 2+ year range. I know no one wants to hear that, but I think if you know the reality of this you'll realize just how long the road is ahead of you. If you have to run a marathon I am not doing you a service by telling you it's only a mile long, then when you get to the mile marker tell you "oops it's a little longer" and such. You need to know how long a journey it really is.