No expectations: "She just texted me that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. LOL! Man these WAS's and their crazy talk. I responded by going to work out and then took my son shopping for a new jacket, his old one was looking pretty worn. Oh and I set a new PR in bench press!"
Expectations: "She just texted me that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. And here I really thought things were turning around. Well I guess that's it, I'm going to sit at home waiting for the D papers to arrive and I might as well write my will while I'm at it because my life is officially over."
Be the former, not the latter.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
But now I am fed up. I’m done trying to save my marriage. I’m not the one that broke it so I’m tired of being the one trying to fix it. My H no longer wants to be married. He no longer wants to be confined by a marriage. He wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases and to go find happiness. I’m not the one that wants out he is. So the ball is in his court. As I stated he wants to be separated, he wants out of this marriage (his words), so I’m showing him the door. Time to start living authentic and be separated.
Originally Posted by burned
Just to reiterate, what I've learned here is that this attitude is what leads to progress. But now you'll need to be selective about which actions move you closer to, or further away from, your goal of saving the marriage. But, you say, you don't want to save the marriage. Great! Leave it at that and you might find that the marriage saves itself.
"Let him go to get him back." It WILL be up to you to decide if you want him back, if he asks to return. But you're nowhere close to that point yet.
You say you don't have a manual. This forum is your manual. Post, post, post and pretty soon you'll get a better sense of "what to do." Just always be sure to think about what you're doing, and why. Act, don't react. Make rational choices, not emotional choices.
That being said, your "fed up" feeling might have been a good push to overcome that initial inertia. You take your power back, you regain some self-respect, and THEN you have more room to maneuver in terms of making choices. You bring yourself from a place where you have only one choice, to a place where you can choose from many.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I just want to use the MC as a forum for communication.
Does it seem to have worked up to this point? You have to realize if someone is not willing to hear you, communicating won't work.
Communication entails a sender and receiver, as well as "encoding" of the message that occurs between the two parties impacting how it's ultimately perceived.
If the way you two were approaching that communication process was the only thing broken, or even the main thing broken along with other things, I can see how it might be useful to focus on that. But as lots of folks, including yourself, have pointed out, there are much more serious things that are causing the damage in your relationship.
You have done what you could to let W know how you feel and try to improve that part - but there's nothing more you can do if those larger issues are not addressed, and you will just be beating a dead horse. She will not hear you or if she does, she won't care. Why put yourself through that over and over and over again when it hasn't been working?
This is outstanding. MC is about two people FIXING their marriage. If both people are not bought into it, committed to making it work, and actively trying, MC has no chance of working. And it certainly shouldn't be used for things it is not intended to be. (For instance, MC isn't for getting your obstinate, one-foot out the door spouse to listen to you!)
Last edited by Steve85; 11/29/1809:56 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Here's your homework: 1. List the 5 things that you are most passionate about, the things that make you YOU. 2. List the 5 things that you hate most about yourself. 3. List the 5 people who love you most. 4. For each of those 5 people, ask yourself: what's more important to them, List 1 or List 2? And if you did NOTHING from List 2, would they love you more? And if you did NOTHING from List 1, would they love you less?
If you're comfortable, post your answers here.
I'm gonna drag that NGS out of you and beat the s#it out of it. It's a demon inside of you that is eating your soul. No, I'm going to make YOU drag that NGS out of yourself.
Behind the fear and the pain, there is an amazing person waiting to be born. You can do this. Believe in yourself. YOU ARE GOING TO KICK A$$ AT LIFE and you'll be walking down the street in that beautiful PNW winter rain and you'll need a cattle prod to keep all the ladies away.
[Dear God, I'm about to hit "Post Reply" and I'm terrified.]
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
OK, here's what it looks like in my notebook right now. I'm a bit confused as to how to keep track of all this stuff without having to re-read the list constantly. Like, how do I keep it at the front of my mind all the time? Anyway:
Overall goal: be a better person (more attractive, etc.)
A. develop good habits 1. make the bed daily for 2 weeks in a row 2. do the dishes before bed 3 days in a row (assuming I cook at home) 3. do pushups and setups every morning for 1 week (ankle still broken, no gym yet) -- this cross-links to C.1 below 4. cook at least 2 healthy meals per week, INCLUDING VEGETABLES and possibly meat, for 1 month
B. develop emotional control/regulation 1. write in gratitude journal every night for 1 week 2. attend IC sessions weekly (achieved, consistently) 3. take medication daily (achieved, consistently) 4. read one new self-help book per week (achieved 11/19/18, not achieved last week) 5. review one previously-read self-help book per week (achieved 12/2/18) 6. write a forgiveness letter to W (don't send) before the end of November (partially achieved, it got intense so I set it aside but it's already a page long)
C. improve physical health 1. daily exercise (see A.3 above) 2. use crutches and/or knee scooter daily (not doing great there) 3. lift weights with trainer once per week (he comes to our office twice a week) 4. drink no more than 3 beers per night for 1 week (consistently failed, in spectacular fashion)
D. improve social skills 1. leave the apartment at least once per day for any reason (achieved) 2. go to 1 Meetup event per week (achieved, but always the same one) 2.1. (just added) go to one NEW Meetup event per month 3. find and read a book about making small talk before the end of December (cross-links to B.4 above) 3.1. (just added) find and read a book about "dating skills" (ugh) before the end of January (cross-links to B.4 above) 4. find and attend a communication skills class/seminar/group before the end of February 4.1. (just added) find and attend a conflict tolerance/assertiveness class/seminar/group before the end of January 5. review "I Hear You" book (cross-links to B.5 above) and use those skills in at least one interaction per day 6. reconnect with at least two friends with whom I lost contact (achieved, in fact the two people I wanted to reach out to both contacted me, spontaneously, within the span of 2 weeks, so I gave them the sad news and they were very supportive) 7. correspond once a month with godmother/aunt (via email) -- she emailed me a week ago asking about how I'm doing, so there's an opportunity right there 8. send thank-you note to brother for a favor he did
E. enjoy time participating in hobbies and learning new things 1. brew a batch of beer that W wouldn't like (future goal may be to enter it into a competition, but let's pace ourselves) 1.1. find my brewing equipment (possibly in W's garage), or buy new equipment and ingredients online 2. visit one new city before the end of 2019 (this is the sort of thing I SHOULD have been doing with W, it's less fun alone) 3. read one non-self-help book per month (achieved Nov. 2018, just got a good one for Dec.) 4. plan backpacking trip on the AT for a week next summer (again, it was fun with W, but now I will have to do it "alone," but you always meet cool people anyway) 5. sell a photo 5.1. choose 10 best photos to print (I hate going into Lightroom because I always accidentally run into photos of W and of our life when she existed)...so: 5.1.1. create a new Lightroom catalog that only includes neutral photos, or 5.1.2. get rip-roarin' drunk, and just plow through it, and cry for a while and then be done with it 6. learn to play the piano 6.1 get a stand to put the keyboard on 6.2 ask friend who plays if he could teach me (bonus: social interaction) 7. learn one new song on the guitar before the end of 2018 8. learn to juggle?
F. do things for others 1. volunteer for 1-2 hours at least once per week 1.1. find a place to volunteer (achieved 11/28/18) 2. donate $100 to a charity once per month
I have a few other goals that are somewhat more important but difficult to operationalize like this. They involve catching up with unfinished work, and confronting several people to own up to some serious character flaws that I would like them to either forgive me for or tell me where I stand, stuff like that. I'll have to work on those. Rough draft:
G. stop procrastinating, learn to follow through 1. go to work for 4 hours for 3 consecutive weeks? 2. complete at least 1 unfinished project per week until the end of the year?
H. stop hiding mistakes, rebuild trust with various people/groups 1. have that talk with boss -- don't do to your job what your W did to you -- stand strong, admit your mistakes, accept responsibility for the consequences, deal with the fallout as it comes
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I had a nice talk with a social worker I know today. She says she knows several couples who were in relationships with not a lot wrong but ended up divorced because one of the partners decided they weren’t happy and that happiness could be found “out there”. I asked her how many found what they were looking for. She was quite confident that most of them figured out that the grass was not necessarily greener on the other side and they just traded one set of problems for another set of problems. Like I told my H, and he laughed, “you can’t divorce yourself.”
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I had a nice talk with a social worker I know today. She says she knows several couples who were in relationships with not a lot wrong but ended up divorced because one of the partners decided they weren’t happy and that happiness could be found “out there”. I asked her how many found what they were looking for. She was quite confident that most of them figured out that the grass was not necessarily greener on the other side and they just traded one set of problems for another set of problems. Like I told my H, and he laughed, “you can’t divorce yourself.”
I’ve thought about this, too, in reading the forums and the book.
That if or when S / D happens in my sitch, I’ve often wondered if W would find out that things aren’t all that much better without me. And that whatever anger / depression she carries with her now would follow her into the future—including any other relationships right now.
Which is why it is so important that I GAL and fix what I need and what I can in myself.
Which of the following would drive her away faster:
- The goodnight you gave her last night where you leaned in to kiss her arm. or - Just getting up, saying goodnight, and heading off to bed.
In a healthy, normal relationship, obviously the second would be behavior that would push a W away. However, once you are dealing with a WAW....now the above is flipped on its head. And what feels counter-intuitive actually is less driving away than what you normally should do.
Read the distance and pursuit thread. All of us come here thinking DBing will drive a wedge between us and our WAS. When in truth the opposite is usually what occurs!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
When a man wants to make love to his wife.....he needs to start with her head/mind and work downward. If he wants to make love that night, he needs to start prepping her that morning.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’ve thought about this, too, in reading the forums and the book.
That if or when S / D happens in my sitch, I’ve often wondered if W would find out that things aren’t all that much better without me. And that whatever anger / depression she carries with her now would follow her into the future—including any other relationships right now.
I've been stuck wondering too, but it doesn't help. My straight shooting cousin (who is like a sister to me) said that my XW is beautiful, and she will find another man. It may not work out for her. I might get a small bit of satisfaction from that However, it may turn out that she finds Mr. Right and lives a great life with him. I need to be okay with that. I need to be detached enough to accept it but also realize that I'm a great guy who has a chance to find somebody that is a better fit for me.
