what the heck is happening, is this DB?

[Vapo]

Bravo AS, first I have seen a timeline laid out like this....and it is spot on. I am firmly in #7 and am feeling happy again even not knowing how things will turn out.

Well done lost. Reaching #7 in 6 months post BD is awesome, I think it took me about 18 months, possibly longer. 4 years and some monht in and I think I am at a solid #10. Just the other day, when I came to pick up the kids, she said she apologized for her A, said that she still loves me and in the same sentence said that she met someone. Talk about confusing...

[AnotherStander]

AS if you had to judge your own sitch would you be in 8 or would you be in 12A with step 11 getting skipped?

Here's the thing about 11, you never know if it's really been skipped or if it's still in the future. I mention now and then that I have a friend that reconciled with his ex after around 10 years. I read of a recon once that happened 30 years after D. Crazy! Anyway what I can say is yes I've moved on. I have my own independent life now, in some ways I'm the same person and in a lot of ways I'm not. I'm fiercely independent now, so much so that I don't know if I could ever be married again to anyone (and honestly I ask myself what would be the point at my age, it's not like I'm going to start another family). My ex and I, we still love each other despite everything and I think we will have a life-long bond. But getting remarried, moving back in together and being intimate again, I'm not going to say it's impossible but I just can't imagine it.

[MoveFrwd]

Im going to try this again, because I felt like I was being unclear without the quotes lol.

I don’t see anything wrong with your final goal being “Have a successful marriage with my wife”.

Good, because that's my goal. Unfortunately I get the vibe sometimes that it's not the right goal to have. But I accept that it is MY goal, for better or for worse.

It's fine that it is your goal now. I dont think that it will stay your goal forever. But I would say it is almost everyone's idea when they come here. Why else would have you have signed up for this site?? The key is that the steps you need to take to achieve this arent always readily apparent, and are often extremely counterintuitive. Hopefully, you have learned a lot since joining about ways in which to do that. The point of my original post to you was to help you find a way to ORGANIZE the actions you want to take and UNDERSTAND how they can help you to achieve this goal.

The other important part is that by ACHIEVING these mini-goals, you can feel pride and progress even if you never reach your main goal. In other words, if you are a boy scout selling popcorn and you set a goal of $100,000 in sales, you may need to find other ways to judge yourself besides whether or not you achieve that milestone in order to feel proud of your accomplishments - for example, year-over-year growth, local ranking, number of new contributors, and so on. Right now, from what I can tell, your only goal is to regain your marriage....you are setting yourself up for failure if thats the case.

1) adopt successful relationship skills
2) be attractive to my wife
3)....

Nothing I do seems to attract her back. That's part of where the frustration comes from. So then I'll look at the actionable items:

Again, Im not focused on her RESPONSE to you. Im focused on what YOU can do and grade yourself on. Theres a difference between being attractive and attracting a certain person. So what can you do to BE attractive? Detach, GAL, new clothes, self confidence, etc etc etc

Also, this is just a starting point for you to start considering HOW to set up this structure for yourself. You dont need to use my words, because I cant really set your goals for you. But I want you to think in terms of things you can control. And things you can easily JUDGE.

You need a map because it feels rudderless right now. And with that, you lose direction and focus and can become “stuck” or “frustrated” because you have no way of measuring your progress except by what your wife does.

Here's where, despite months of thinking about DB, I repeatedly fall back into the trap of "Well if the goal is R, isn't it ALL about how she reacts?" No! But my emotions are a nuisance, they say, "You're losing her, try harder!" And then I get feedback like the above, which points me back in the right direction. Because of goal 2, be attractive. Maybe some sub-goals of 2 should be, "Stick with DB" and "Stop trying to win her back" and "Live your own life for you."

I mean, it kind of is.....but you cant control it, so it shouldnt be your focus. You CAN control everything that you do or say. And putting that into this framework would help you to identify positive steps.

[Twofeet]

AS if you had to judge your own sitch would you be in 8 or would you be in 12A with step 11 getting skipped?

Here's the thing about 11, you never know if it's really been skipped or if it's still in the future. I mention now and then that I have a friend that reconciled with his ex after around 10 years. I read of a recon once that happened 30 years after D. Crazy! Anyway what I can say is yes I've moved on. I have my own independent life now, in some ways I'm the same person and in a lot of ways I'm not. I'm fiercely independent now, so much so that I don't know if I could ever be married again to anyone (and honestly I ask myself what would be the point at my age, it's not like I'm going to start another family). My ex and I, we still love each other despite everything and I think we will have a life-long bond. But getting remarried, moving back in together and being intimate again, I'm not going to say it's impossible but I just can't imagine it.

Not trying to take over burned's thread. I just want to respond to this. I am still young enough that I could find a new W get M and have another child or 2. However, I am extremely satisfied and blessed with the three children I have now and I don't really want anymore at this point. I just don't see a need to ever get M again. Someone like burned is young enough he could definitely get M again to start a family, or whatever his reasons. Personally, with my own sitch I just don't see the point unless there was some benefit or need over just a LTR with a W. Now if W came back wanting a MR and she demonstrated changes and growth I would do that. This would be because of shared history/bond and the three children we have together. Maybe I am being too practical in my thought process. Even back in HS I never believed in soul mates or the "one." I know W did then and maybe she still does. I have always believed that its all about choices.

[burned]

I got logged out and then my password didn’t work. Should I be concerned? Has that happened to anyone else?

[Twofeet]

AS if you had to judge your own sitch would you be in 8 or would you be in 12A with step 11 getting skipped?

Here's the thing about 11, you never know if it's really been skipped or if it's still in the future. I mention now and then that I have a friend that reconciled with his ex after around 10 years. I read of a recon once that happened 30 years after D. Crazy! Anyway what I can say is yes I've moved on. I have my own independent life now, in some ways I'm the same person and in a lot of ways I'm not. I'm fiercely independent now, so much so that I don't know if I could ever be married again to anyone (and honestly I ask myself what would be the point at my age, it's not like I'm going to start another family). My ex and I, we still love each other despite everything and I think we will have a life-long bond. But getting remarried, moving back in together and being intimate again, I'm not going to say it's impossible but I just can't imagine it.

Not trying to take over burned's thread. I just want to respond to this. I am still young enough that I could find a new W get M and have another child or 2. However, I am extremely satisfied and blessed with the three children I have now and I don't really want anymore at this point. I just don't see a need to ever get M again. Someone like burned is young enough he could definitely get M again to start a family, or whatever his reasons. Personally, with my own sitch I just don't see the point unless there was some benefit or need over just a LTR with a W. Now if W came back wanting a MR and she demonstrated changes and growth I would do that. This would be because of shared history/bond and the three children we have together. Maybe I am being too practical in my thought process. Even back in HS I never believed in soul mates or the "one." I know W did then and maybe she still does. I have always believed that its all about choices.

Sorry, should say LTR with a woman, not W.

[burned]

The thought of being remarried is so foreign to me. Even the thought of having to get to know someone new is weird. The thought of W being in a committed relationship, with someone other than me, is more unpleasant to think about than the A. Can’t figure that one out.

[FlySolo]

The thought of W being in a committed relationship, with someone other than me, is more unpleasant to think about than the A. Can’t figure that one out.

I get this. About a month ago I ran into H on a date. I completely lost the plot and behaved in a way that I am ashamed of. I have not paid her any mind since because I know that he is in no way committed to her. dont ask me how i know, i just do. He is not ready and he is broken and frankly he spends too much time with me to be building any type of meaningful relationship with anyone else. If anything, if there is still something going on i feel sorry for her.

if I thought he was building a life with someone else, then maybe that would be the kick I need to move beyond step 3 ...

[Twofeet]

The thought of being remarried is so foreign to me. Even the thought of having to get to know someone new is weird. The thought of W being in a committed relationship, with someone other than me, is more unpleasant to think about than the A. Can’t figure that one out.

Could be NGS, could be oneitis. Could be loyal to a fault.

Loyal dogs are loyal dogs. It takes a lot to earn my loyalty, but once you have it you have it for life. I have to be careful because it can be to my own detriment and I have to catch myself. You may be in a similar boat. My W treated people as much more disposable, and it would cause tension between us. It's good to be loyal until it hurts you and sets you back. Then you have to just let go.

[neffer]

Future is uncertain B, don´t get into those mind tricks. You can control what you can control: yourself.