It's late, so I'll keep this brief. Will post details on my afternoon tomorrow.
For now, in the spirit of Thanksgiving week, I want to express my immense gratitude to you all for guiding me through this long journey.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for showing me tough love, telling it like it is, and not sugar coating anything. Thank you for helping me turn into a man that I am loving more every day.
11 months into S and I still can’t pull it together.
Yes you can. And you will make a decision and it will be left foot right foot on down the line. You make that decision that you will be happy and you will let go of her. You move on and that's that. It's tough, really tough. You can do it though.
As for DB'ing, quit showing her your emotion. Be upbeat at all times. Don't carry the overtly fake smile, but do what I did before I had to see my WW. Put both hands in the air and scream "YES!". Pump yourself up for a couple of minutes like you just hit a home run or got a huge promotion! That emotion and feeling will linger.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Rough evening, but I still forced myself to go out and have an evening in which I did not wallow in my grief.
I went into the city to pick up a dress vest (part of my self-improvement process is dressing more like a man) from a Men's Warehouse. On the way, I had my call with the NGS support group. There was someone new to the group, so we introduced ourselves. The first two told them about their sitches and how they are using the help from the support group to have a better relationship with their W, sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc. Obviously when it was my turn I said that having NGS contributed towards the end of my MR and the immense pain and grief that I'm going through is something that I want to learn from so that I never go through this again. Counselor likened it to a death that I need time to get over and grieve. I agreed, but thought "How much time is enough?" I somehow kept it together, but it still hurt.
I got to the city, picked up my vest and started coat shopping. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw myself as a more attractive person. I see the improvements. I feel the improvements.
Drove to gym afterwards and lifted for almost an hour and a half. Same workout but went longer for some reason. Drove to the store and bought groceries then decided on sushi for dinner.
On my way home, I started tearing up again. The trigger this time was D4 telling me how excited she was to go to OM's house to decorate his X-mas tree. I pulled over and just...let it out. Cursed, cried, pleaded for forgiveness and mercy, pretty much every intense emotion was expressed. I then just rested my head on the steering wheel and just cycled through all of the events the last 11 months. The gaslighting. The lying. The blame.
I recall W telling me that she forgave me (about a month ago when I truly started letting go). I have not forgiven her yet because I feel she is still wronging me. She can put a spin on it and give me a bullshit reason of us being S, but I never agreed to dating. Never. So in my mind, she is still cheating.
Drove my way home. Went inside and W came out immediately and asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said normally I was not out this late. I just said that I had stuff to do. She asked for my vest to put away. I handed it to her and went about cleaning the kitchen. Showered, prayed, and fell asleep afterwards.
Dreading thanksgiving plans. W, D4, and I are going to her friend's place for brunch...in one car. I have avoided spending longer than 5 minutes with W for the past month or so, so the drive out (30 minute drive one way) will be interesting.
When I was younger, I always hated the holidays. I hated being alone and not celebrating what is supposed to be a happy season for many. 10 years later, I'm hating it again. Starting at Thanksgiving, the following events are going to occur in the next three months:
-Xmas -W's birthday -Anniversary -My birthday -Valentine's day -D4's birthday
It's a gauntlet of FU's. Yeah...I know I need to not let it get to me, but this will be the first time since BD that I will have to deal with all of this in a totally different manner.
I keep her words of "getting through this together" and "W needing to vent/talk to me because I'm stable enough" in my mind. I don't know what that entails. Frankly, I am not expecting anything...well, I'm not expecting anything GOOD.
OMG Pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. I so know what you mean about the holidays. I am dreading them as well. I,too, feel a bit stuck at the moment. I am grieving...not so much what was but more so what could have been...if I had only figured things out sooner...if I had made an effort...if he had...if we had talked instead of burying our heads in the sand...if...there are a thousand ways to finish that sentence. I know it does me no good to go down that road but I find myself doing it anyway. Give yourself a break. You are only human. This is a lot for one person to handle and also to keep up a brave front for our kids who really need us to be strong. Mine have told me numerous times since they got back from H's last night that they missed me terribly and are constantly checking in to make sure I am alright. Da*n, they are intuitive little creatures. No matter how many times I reassure them, they still feel the need to keep asking. Makes me feel like I haven't handled this as well as I should have. Anyway...just wanted to drop by to give you some support. I KNOW how hard this is. You are doing well. OM is a symptom and CANNOT replace you in your D's mind and heart. He is not a permanent addition to your lives. Drop the rope and it will die a natural death. Increase the pressure and you will only push them toward one another. Sending you long distance (((HUGS))) and all the positive energy I can muster. Wish it was more.
I am grieving...not so much what was but more so what could have been...if I had only figured things out sooner...if I had made an effort...if he had...if we had talked instead of burying our heads in the sand...if...there are a thousand ways to finish that sentence. I know it does me no good to go down that road but I find myself doing it anyway.
DV, I totally understand that mindset. It's something that I have struggled with for decades (3) and it was after BD that I decided to stop thinking about what was and focus on what I can and will be. I am learning from my mistakes. What started as a goal of saving my MR has now turned into a journey of rescuing myself, self-discovery, and a changing mindset. I have let go of what was, including my MR. The lack of respect a month ago was the final straw. The final FU from her. I dropped it completely after that. I rarely initiate conversations with her. I rarely call her. I really do not want to spend any tangible time with her. She has not earned me.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
This is a lot for one person to handle and also to keep up a brave front for our kids who really need us to be strong. Mine have told me numerous times since they got back from H's last night that they missed me terribly and are constantly checking in to make sure I am alright. Da*n, they are intuitive little creatures.
D4 is like that. She has been comforting me a lot more these days. She does not know the full scope of what is going on, but she does know that daddy is hurting. She gives me hugs and tell me things like "You are a good daddy. You are not a bad daddy. I love you daddy." I need that. It gives me a good feeling that I am doing something right. She knows who I am and who I can be.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Anyway...just wanted to drop by to give you some support. I KNOW how hard this is. You are doing well. OM is a symptom and CANNOT replace you in your D's mind and heart. He is not a permanent addition to your lives. Drop the rope and it will die a natural death. Increase the pressure and you will only push them toward one another. Sending you long distance (((HUGS))) and all the positive energy I can muster. Wish it was more.
Thank you. I am doing my best and I'm seeing results daily. The growth has been very painful and I wonder if I have more growing up to do. If I do, how much more pain will I need to endure?
My motivation now is to be AMOAFWL. I want to show W that I am amazing. That she messed up. That she lost me and if she has thoughts of being back together she is going to have to work her cheating ass off for me. I deserve the best. And I will not settle. I have settled for too long.
Emotions were are little better. Still some hard moments, but I was able to shed only a few tears this time versus having a breakdown.
Got my hair cut to near buzz cut level. I have lost nearly all my hair on the top of my head and have hair on the side and back. Hair is thick in the back and I looked...weird. Decided to go for it and cut it extremely short. Attempting for a Jason Statham look. For the most part, it looks really good. I like it. Another change that I embraced.
W seems to have gotten the hint that I have gone dark. She stopped asking me how things are going, how I'm doing, etc. A little bummed there is not any more pursuit on her end, but it's not anything I am fixating on. I just think of the horrible way she is treating me and move on.
Joined two singles groups in Meetup and planning on attending some of the events as time progresses. I mean, hey, I am single, right?
Other than that, nothing groundbreaking to report. Still sad, still mourning, but happy at my progress. I complain to my mom almost daily about this. I know that I should not continue to repeat the same thing on a daily basis, but something about her telling me that it will all work out and God will make it ok is more reassuring. It just reinforces the notion that I have control of myself. Whatever happens is in God's hands.
Meditation tonight followed by lifting. A friend is joining us for Thanksgiving brunch (the friend who W cheated on. I'm over it).
I keep walking away from couples who are showing affection. I had to cut lunch short because there was a happy couple in front of me and the sadness, hopelessness, and anger just bubbled up at once.
Because later on that feeling will transform into resentment and that’s not a healthy feeling to carry inside. You let W go Pain. Free yourself, expect nothing. Get into the best Pain 2.0. But you are doing this for yourself first. Then you’ll see what future brings.
Sending you a big hug (((pain))) Keep standing there!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I keep walking away from couples who are showing affection
...and movies, and songs, and even (believe it or not) silly ads between TV shows. Do you watch Jeopardy, or tennis? Those old-folks ads hit me hardest. I mean, don't you wish the Eliquis guy's sailboat would sink and drown him and his stupid W? There was even one stupid TD Bank ad with a scruffy bearded guy in a suit sitting on a green couch and validating the heck out of the lady sitting across from him. With his wedding band showing. Married, and good at validating, and probably about to get into an A with this lady because who wouldn't jump the bones of a guy like that. I almost lost it.
So yeah, there are lots of emotions we have to cope with.
Don't worry. Soon that will be us. We will survive.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Don't worry. Soon that will be us. We will survive.
No. We won't just merely survive. We're going to be, as neffer said, much better versions of ourselves.
Love is something that everyone deserves to feel and experience. We deserve those feelings again.
And do we deserve to be treated so horribly by our W? Do we deserve this pain and uncertainty and feelings of quite possibly being "the loser" while our WW "wins"? No.
But as William Munny (portrayed by Clint Eastwood) said at the end of Unforgiven:
