Yea, that's temp checking on the phone with her dragging it out. She's not ready to lose you. But she knows you're still there so she's content to keep the status quo because she doesn't have to choose right now.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Came back from my vacation yesterday night. W tried to make small talk about D4. I responded. Five text exchanges before the night was over.
Today I took D4 to church to teach a class. No W. She said she had to run errands and was doing to be coming home late. Whatever. Nothing has changed.
I am full of anger. Want her to suffer the consequences for what she has put me through. I am not ready to forgive and I get angrier at the fact that she continues to disrespect me.
These days are becoming the norm. I hate that feeling. I hate that it's going on nearly a year and things are just as complicated and painful as it was all year.
Gosh Pain... I get it. I really do. I have those feelings sometimes too. It is disheartening when they come. I know that you are trying to focus on you but what I read in your post is that you are focused more on your anger and that isn’t helping you. Try to make this less personal. Difficult, I know. But I think you really need to understand, I mean really understand, that this is not about you. It is about her. For whatever reason she can only give you what she is capable of right now. She is in her own version of hell right now and she can’t talk to you about it. Drop the rope Pain. Just let it go. Open the cage door and let her fly. It is the only way through this. (((HUGS)))
Gosh Pain... I get it. I really do. I have those feelings sometimes too. It is disheartening when they come. I know that you are trying to focus on you but what I read in your post is that you are focused more on your anger and that isn’t helping you. Try to make this less personal. Difficult, I know. But I think you really need to understand, I mean really understand, that this is not about you. It is about her. For whatever reason she can only give you what she is capable of right now. She is in her own version of hell right now and she can’t talk to you about it. Drop the rope Pain. Just let it go. Open the cage door and let her fly. It is the only way through this. (((HUGS)))
I have tears in my eyes reading your response, DV. And I know that I need to let go of her...anger included. I keep trying to remind myself that W is going through her own version of hell right now and I try to not think about how anti-cheating she was before all of this and just shake my head and continually ask "Why?".
You tell me to free her and let her fly...I try to, but then I find myself grabbing rocks and just think about throwing them at her, hoping they strike. The real-life equivalent is just unloading my verbal rage at her smugness she is. And then I go to the times in which I outright tore her apart and how good it felt then...and how much worse we feel afterwards. I know it is not good. It ruined any positive progress we may have made. I can't go back. I am better than the man I was before BD.
I know she shows vulnerability at times and periodically asks me to get stronger so that she can finally open up to me...something she has been asking me to do since April. Whether it's her asking for D (per sandi's prediction), or something else, I need to be strong.
Pain... I so know where you are at. I am a completely non violent person but I have had some serious daydreams about pummeling my H to a pulp or stabbing him. It is quite frightening really. This pain is awful...it really is. But it is very much about us and what we focus on and tell ourselves. My H has lied to my face day in and day out for four years. Is there an OW? He says no but it would not surprise me in the least. I don’t ask anymore. It makes no difference to my life day-to-day - just to my pain. And I have more than I need. Yesterday I threw myself a HUGE pity party. It lasted all day and woke me up after three hours sleep. Today is a new day. I am back to working on dropping the rope. I know I will get there....and you will too. Picture yourself doing that instead of causing her pain. If you love her, REALLY love her, you will find a way. And then you too will be free. WE CAN DO THIS!!!
Major twist of events. W woke me up in terrible back pain this morning both yesterday morning and this morning. First time tests were run nothing was observed. We’re back in again and more tests are being run. She’s not pregnant.
It’s horrible of me to say, but my concern is not...terribly great. Like I care for her, but not in the way I should be.
In a way, it feels like payback. Not that I would wish what she is going through on her or anyone else, but it feels...justified. I feel horrible typing this out and it’s awful of me to say, but I truly feel that this is the universe paying back. I don’t know.
In a way, it feels like payback. Not that I would wish what she is going through on her or anyone else, but it feels...justified. I feel horrible typing this out and it’s awful of me to say, but I truly feel that this is the universe paying back. I don’t know.
Hmm, not sure pain. I know a lot of people subscribe to this kind of thinking. Karma, etc. I believe that people reap what they sow. Has nothing to do with the "universe". Just a simple set of rules like "If you touch a hot stove you will get burned."
And then there are just coincidences. Like when I think of an old movie I haven't seen in ages, and the next day as I am flipping through channels I come across said movie. Nothing more than a coincidence, has nothing to do with any precognition on my part.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Pain, I think the feelings you are experiencing toward your W at this time are completely normal. You still care for her as you would anyone else who has shared part of their life with you. You are probably seeing her from an emotionally detached position, which is fine. It may seem a little strange, but it's okay. The "payback" thing is probably your anger speaking to you, which is normal, too.
I feel confident that you are a man who can do the right thing, while keeping your emotions about the MR out of the equation. If this had happened a few months ago, you might not have been able to wort off any emotional confusion or have outcome expectations. You've learned to not try and turn things into more than they really are. She's in physical pain, and she may be down until her back gets better. She may need assistance until she gets better, IDK. Whatever comes...….you are going to conduct yourself with strength and honor.
You've got this!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I knew she was engaging in sex. I knew it for months. Why do I still feel betrayal? Anger? It’s not a BD anymore. She knows. Now it’s just her rubbing it in or least she was up to this point.
