I'm honestly confused......Respect, to me, means I need to show her that I know what she's up to and I disapprove of it. This limbo stage we are in was suppose to let her figure out what she wants. How the hell is that going to happen when she's continuing to contact OM? Contact with one stopped (supposedly) and now there is contact with the other!
How is it respecting myself to just let that slide by and dismiss it? That seems weak but then again, a lot of this stuff is counterintuitive to what I would normally think is the right approach so if someone can explain it to me, I'd appreciate it.
I honestly don't want to attend Retrouvaille now with what I've found. It won't turn her around when she's still secretly chatting with OM.
I don't feel bad about snooping and honestly what I've found hasn't send me into a tizzy like it has in the past. I'm pretty neutral to it. It is what it is and to be honest, it doesn't surprise me in the least. I'm not going to say anything to OM W right now (we 'were' all friends) but I think down the road I will. If it were me, I'd want to know the truth. Which I guess is why I snooped. I like to know what I'm dealing with exactly. I want the truth and the facts. Even if it's idle chit-chat, it is still wrong considering their past history.
So, do I just send her a text and say, disregard my invitation for Retrouvaille. If she asks why, what do I say?
Last edited by Wanted1; 11/27/1804:07 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
No. Just start planning your GAL weekend. If it comes up then you say you decided against it.
Also, respect is exactly what other have said: She will respect you when she sees that no matter what she says or does, you are happy, fulfilled, pleased and moving forward. Essentially detached.
Also you need to be honest with yourself Wanted1: "I don't feel bad about snooping and honestly what I've found hasn't send me into a tizzy like it has in the past. I'm pretty neutral to it." That doesn't jive with "I am ready to burn everything to the ground."
Step back from your sitch and try to view it objectively as if it were a friend's sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are going to hear it again...stop snooping...you already know it's going on and she will lie lie lie about it. And it will make you angry so don't say it doesn't. We've been there. It took me 4 or 5 months to stop looking but eventually got it through my head that I don't care what you are doing, I am going to get off my ars and start living my life so I am happy.
It wasn't until I started making myself a better person and being happy again that now I see my WW pushing herself back into my life.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
SHE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS, SHE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE.
Maybe this is the hang up with you. That you actually thought she was trying to figure out what she wants.
Have you done any research on boundaries? Consequences for breaking boundaries are not you saying "I disapprove" to get your respect back.
Consequences for getting your respect back would be telling her to pack her $hit and get out of the house and you'll be hearing from my lawyer and I should have done it the first time you cheated on me.
Don't even bring up Retroville because I guarantee you she was never considering it and will never bring it up. You only want to bring it up to try to get a reaction out of her.
Don't even bring up Retroville because I guarantee you she was never considering it and will never bring it up. You only want to bring it up to try to get a reaction out of her.
THIS * INFINITY
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No. Just start planning your GAL weekend. If it comes up then you say you decided against it.
Also, respect is exactly what other have said: She will respect you when she sees that no matter what she says or does, you are happy, fulfilled, pleased and moving forward. Essentially detached.
Also you need to be honest with yourself Wanted1: "I don't feel bad about snooping and honestly what I've found hasn't send me into a tizzy like it has in the past. I'm pretty neutral to it." That doesn't jive with "I am ready to burn everything to the ground."
Step back from your sitch and try to view it objectively as if it were a friend's sitch.
I know that doesn't necessarily jive, per se, with being neutral to it. I guess what I meant was, I'm very, very close to the point where I just tell her I'm done, I'm out, I don't need a "decision" from you anymore. This might be the final "straw" which I need to push me into such a decision. I'm treating this latest incident much differently than in the past. I would have already confronted her with what I found like I have in the past. Now, I'm almost numb to it. It hurts, obviously, but this whole mess has hurt. This time it isn't as intense of a hurt I guess.
In justifying my decision to be done, I'd tell her that I know and also let OM W know because, again, if it were me, I'd want to know if I was in her position. Not sure if that constitutes "burning everything to the ground." Maybe that statement was too harsh in depicting what I would do. If she has no remorse and guilt (other than saying she feels intense guilt -- believe nothing what they say) about destroying our M and my kids' family life, maybe the thought of her actions potentially causing turmoil in another family's situation will get her to stop and think how destructive her actions are. IMO, she still doesn't understand how grave her actions are.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
SHE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS, SHE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE.
Consequences for getting your respect back would be telling her to pack her $hit and get out of the house and you'll be hearing from my lawyer and I should have done it the first time you cheated on me.
The first part is pretty obvious. I just don't understand what she is waiting for.....other than both her IC and the Bishop last Friday telling her she isn't in a position, emotionally, to make major decisions. She is too fragile.
As for the second part, I'm getting very, very close to being at that point. I honestly am. Maybe I'll just sit on it until after this weekend and think everything over a little more. If I'm still in the same frame of mind a week from now, I'll give her the boot.
I know the chances of this happening are about the same as winning the lottery, but what if she does say, "OK, let's go to Retrouvaille?" How do I respond then? I just want to be prepared for either scenario, even if one scenario is very far fetched. EDIT: I see Steve pretty much answered this question in a previous post above. I'll just say, No, I've decided against it at this time.
Last edited by Wanted1; 11/27/1804:47 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
You are still operating under what is called the "illusion of action" and that you have to do something to get a reaction out of her.
She doesn't care who she hurts that is so obvious.
If you need to do something. DO NOTHING, which is something. Start planning a life for you and the kids and start to formulate in your mind what that life might look like.
Again, you are still waiting for the big decision which has already been determined by her months if not years ago.
Like Neff said, put on your big boys pants move forward in your life, take care of your kids and the rest will take care of itself. Let her file, let her do the heavy lifting.
