will this thread last more than 5 days? (burned)

[burned]

Old thread.

For those following along, it has been a wacky week. On Friday we had a fun debate about WW's manipulation. There was a suggestion that I "take back the house" like a friggin' Blue Wave (American political joke, sorry). I said "No" to WW for the first time, thereby beginning to "cut her off" financially. She said, OK, then let's move this paperwork right along. Your move, WW.

Earlier today we talked about R timelines. Check out the one from AnotherStander that will probably be copied and pasted into every cobweb-filled corner of this board. Glad to instigate that.

And today WW texts me wishing me a happy holiday.

For those just joining us, nothing special here. WW in PA beginning a year ago, confronted her in April, physical S began in June (I stupidly moved out), "real" BD 8/31/18, W is now "preparing paperwork" for what she thinks will be the world's easiest D. I have been almost completely dark for 2 months and we last saw each other FTF back in mid-September.

[Phoenix9]

Is it within the confines of DB to respond, "Go pork yourself?"

As satisfying as it would be to say that...no. That's not DBing...that's just sinking down to her level. You're better than her.

[burned]

Am I not keeping the road home paved smooth by being polite on special occasions? I mean, if I'm treating her like a cashier or a nosy neighbor, I'd still say something nice in return. Or does that only apply to the WAW?

[burned]

She said, OK, then let's move this paperwork right along. Your move, WW.

Pain18, since we're both into song lyrics... ^^^^^Sublime, What I Got: "Try and test that, you're bound to get served."

[Cadet]

Am I not keeping the road home paved smooth by being polite on special occasions? I mean, if I'm treating her like a cashier or a nosy neighbor, I'd still say something nice in return. Or does that only apply to the WAW?

No, keeping the road home paved and smooth does not mean you pave it with gold bricks.
You will not nice her back into the relationship.

[burned]

So, just continued radio silence? She’ll use it against me later...is what I’d worry about if she wasn’t a WW.

[Phoenix9]

So, just continued radio silence? She’ll use it against me later...is what I’d worry about if she wasn’t a WW.

Does it really f*cking matter what she thinks? Because I can be pretty certain, she does not care much about what you think.

[TBSakaJ9]

Radio silence/no contact is really more about giving yourself space and distance to get clarity and begin to heal. Think of it as circling the wagons around yourself and becoming a high value man that does not want to interact with someone that wants nothing to do with you. Early on the only contact I had with my xw was during 5 min kid exchanges. Sure I saw her but I never inquired about what she was doing, who she was talking to or how she was spending her spare time. It hurt like hell but it was the right thing to do. You wouldn’t touch a burning stone would you????????

[TBSakaJ9]

Stove

[Adam04]

Hey burn,

Thank you for dropping some support on my sitch and sorry to hear of yours.


I've been reading up on your sitch, and am I right in that you were wanting to move back in? Do you still want to move back in (with her?) or to reclaim the house and have her leave (whether its on her own accord or some type of forcing out)? You said you have a 2 year lease? SO currently paying for the mortgage and rent?

Can you enlighten me on why it's important to not move out or that we should be the ones staying and they move out? What are the implications?

I read of your concern if she got really foul and started claiming being in danger. That's crazy to deal with and feels in and of itself controlling. Just sounds like she has that one up and to combat it, you would need cameras everywhere you go. Very tough sitch, and I definitely wouldn't want to test that. FWIW, my WW, I think, has told one of her sisters her "version" of why she wants the D and that because I got to tearing stuff up she was fearful for her life, yet she, the WW, is cool with us in an IHS. Crazy...


When I look back, I am grateful I am here as crazy as it sounds. WW and I had a lot of problems in the past and we haven't been able to talk about them yet but finally now after BD, at ground zero, this is the beginning. I would not turn back time to live the way I had been, feeling so miserable WITH her in the MR, and not knowing of A. I know it sounds weird and crazy and it doesn't stop the hurting, I get that, but you aren't alone and this definitely is not the end. D is not the end, the day after that is not, it doesn't even end when you say it, feel it, or think it.

I'm a little jelly(maybe envious?) that you have a night out with some people. I've yet to get that going. I hope it helps you detach and DB. I saw you were having problems with that, if I can be honest, like you had not accepted it at face value. I saw you mentioned you were overthinking things sometime and people have told you not to. You've even said it in my post. You are right, I do overthink things too. You see yourself better in other people. You can see where I am like you and you can point it out easily. I appreciate and value that. Like has been said, people have been there in our shoes. Trust the detaching. I've only begun but I'm going at it with the beginner's mind. To further explain, you listed your to dos and some of the goals. When that was explained to you in detail in a way you got it, it made sense to you and you seemed like you were going to give it more thought and work on it. Same with detaching, giving her space, not caring what she does or does not do(text or no text). Don't get triggered by those texts since its currently your only line one way in and one way out. I can imagine bottling up feelings and then the first chance you get, it can go sideways fast.

Pain18 hit the nail on the head with above comment.

Fill up your days with things that matter to you. When I'm at work, my mind races with everything about her. I promised myself one day I will get to a point when I am at work that I would not think of her for the whole day, as if it was 5 months ago when we would argue and I didn't think about her all day. How crazy is that? How much have I taken her for granted that when we did argue in a salvageable, working relationship, I made no effort to put thought into it, but when I'm hurt, the victim, I can't seem to shake her from my thoughts. We need to free ourselves and them. And when I was placing puzzle pieces with my son, who later left me to do the whole thing by myself, I was calm and at piece. I didn't think of her. I looked at this huge jigsaw taking my time finding where every piece went, slowly, one at a time. Maybe it's the introvert in me and I do better alone. I don't know.. just sharing, so hope you don't mind.

Have a great holiday.