Thank you for the response, FS. I was doing really well, but I have been backsliding the last few days--mainly because this is the week we are going to tell D12 and D8 about the D.
I had a great week with the girls. Went to our first SEC football game, taught D12 how to play a couple new board games, and lots of other great things. However, they'd make comments like "I can't wait until the house sells and you can move down here" or "when Mom gets back, we should do ___". It tore me up every time. I actually got bitter because it all seems so unnecessary. I got the kick in the pants I needed to get back to being a great version of me, but W won't even think about R. Too little, too late.
Some strange things happening all over. It was a weird week of interactions with STBXW. At the beginning of week, she didn't stop texting me. Literally, a dozen times/day over the smallest things. Then, she went dark on me for 4-5 days. It's almost easier at this point when I don't hear from her. I'm not mind reading like I was, but just an observation. Kind of odd.
I flew back today with the girls. I let the girls go over to W's relatives for dinner. I get along really well with these relatives (W's aunt/uncle). When they came to pick up the girls, they didn't even come to the door to say hi. I felt ostracized. However, when they dropped off the girls, W's uncle (through marriage) came up to the door, shook my hand, said a few kind words, and shrugged as if to say "man, I feel bad for you guys." For some reason I really appreciated that. He later made a comment on FB about how the girls talked a lot about our weekend activities.
W filed last Tuesday. We have a hearing scheduled for 12/3.
Your update sounds great. Whenever things get tough, read through your thread and see how far you've come. I don't know if it is over for you and your W. They say that R is possible even after the D. However, the vets are right even when the tools don't always lead to R, if you follow them they always lead to a better you.
Originally Posted by harvey
I had a great week with the girls. Went to our first SEC football game, taught D12 how to play a couple new board games, and lots of other great things. However, they'd make comments like "I can't wait until the house sells and you can move down here" or "when Mom gets back, we should do ___". It tore me up every time. I actually got bitter because it all seems so unnecessary. I got the kick in the pants I needed to get back to being a great version of me, but W won't even think about R. Too little, too late.
Our kids are our savior and also, at times the cause of our pain. D12 was in my bed again last night. She has started doing this recently. She has not wanted to do this since she was six years old. D9 says things like "we see more of daddy now but not as much of you". I let D12 into my bed without a word and I say to D9 "that's because Daddy wants to spend so much time with you" and I leave out the part that says "but he doesn't want to spend it with me". It cuts me in half each time. Keep doing what you're doing - your kids will follow your lead. As long as they know you love them and that you want to spend time with them, they will be fine.
Originally Posted by harvey
Some strange things happening all over. It was a weird week of interactions with STBXW. At the beginning of week, she didn't stop texting me. Literally, a dozen times/day over the smallest things. Then, she went dark on me for 4-5 days. It's almost easier at this point when I don't hear from her. I'm not mind reading like I was, but just an observation. Kind of odd.
A little mind reading from me ... the impending D is getting to her too. This does not mean she is changing her mind, just that she feels it coming so she contacts you. A little temp checking a little in need of comfort from the person she has turned to for years. She then realizes (consciously or unconsciously) what she is doing, thinks "oh no - one step forward, two steps back" and pulls away.
Originally Posted by harvey
When they came to pick up the girls, they didn't even come to the door to say hi. I felt ostracized. However, when they dropped off the girls, W's uncle (through marriage) came up to the door, shook my hand, said a few kind words, and shrugged as if to say "man, I feel bad for you guys." For some reason I really appreciated that. He later made a comment on FB about how the girls talked a lot about our weekend activities.
I use to be very close to H sister. We would often meet for lunch and she was my person to talk to whenever H was being overbearing or controlling. I knew she loved him so wouldn't give me any negative advice but she also knew what he was like. When BD happened she said she loved us both and wanted us to be happy. I probably reached out to her 3 times at the start but it was obvious she wasn't comfortable. If anything, I think she was embarrassed. We still text occasionally (happy birthday, the odd un-H related question) but nothing more. There is no animosity. Just embarrassment for the way I've been treated, and also an underlying current of loyalty to her brother. I do not blame her.
Thank you! It's good to feel like what's happening is normal. I had a good day. W texted a couple of times about small stuff, but at least the D-filing questions are answered. Even though the D is closer, that allows for better detachment. Doing a daddy-daughter date night with D12 (D8 has a play date). Doing a daddy-daughter date night tomorrow with D8 (D12 will be hanging out with friends).
Have you considering breaking off contact with your STBXW? What's the point of engaging her in the small talk at all?
I'm not participating in the small talk. Examples of the texts I got today and my responses:
W: Did you get D8's shoes off the porch? [Was a delivery to the house] Me: Yes, I got the shoes. W: Did the shoes fit? Me: Yes. W: Ralph Breaks the Internet comes out tomorrow. I'm sure the girls would love to go! Me: [No response] W: Did you pay the mortgage? Me: Yes. W: Can you have the girls call me? [She had tried to call D12's phone, but D12 didn't answer.] Me: [No response, but I told the girls Mom wanted them to call her--which they did.]
Reading other threads is a bit disheartening. It will likely be less than four months from DB to D for me. I see that it's extremely unlikely that WAS will second guess themselves in that short amount of time. Basically, I never had a chance.
I have to continue the path I've started. For about the last month I've done a good job of treating my sitch as if I'm already divorced and just learning to cope with that. I know I'll be alright. The finality of it all hurts though. I'm not sure I'm the type that will just keep hanging on after the D--which is probably good for coping. I am out of the fog of completely blaming myself. Part of me thinks that maybe I'm better off without her.
It's still hard for me to wrap my head around W wanting D without any chance of R after 17 years and 2 daughters when I am a good guy, a good father, faithful, strong provider, not a jealous type, nor one to care about money, etc. There's still a part of me that hopes she regrets this... that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Then again, maybe it will be for her. I can't control that though, so I just have to continue down the path of GAL, 180, and detach.
It's still hard for me to wrap my head around W wanting D without any chance of R after 17 years and 2 daughters when I am a good guy, a good father, faithful, strong provider, not a jealous type, nor one to care about money, etc.
H,
That's because as a man you are looking at your sitch logically. Women do not think that way. They think from an emotional stand point. The good news is once the emotions subside she may change her mind.
I’m right there with you, man. But let’s be strong in the face of what’s ahead of us. We can continue to work on ourselves while we cheer on the others. Celebrate their wins, and remind yourself that the future really is uncertain.
Although I agree with you that the LBH tends to have a solid idea about what is LIKELY to happen. My W is so good at controlling her emotions that I wonder if she will ever even allow herself to think that she misses me. That would mean she was wrong, and that’s not acceptable to her. But you never know.
And yeah, it’s easy to be envious about the others. Those lucky ducks. But maybe the envy reveals something in you that you need to work on. Me, I don’t want to be D but if I am, I don’t want to be the kind of person who resents it forever. That’s gonna take some work, because resentment is my usual strategy. And I’m only able to say this because I’m not having a terrible day.
Stay strong.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Reading other threads is a bit disheartening. It will likely be less than four months from DB to D for me. I see that it's extremely unlikely that WAS will second guess themselves in that short amount of time. Basically, I never had a chance.
Think of it this way. For me it is over a year since BD and 7 months since he MO. In that time there has been NO visible progress towards D or R. He is less angry than he use to be. I am no longer to blame for the utter cr@p heap that is his life. I have gone from "you are to blame for everything wrong in my life" to "I am going to be nice to you because I want us to keep you hanging - but nothing that might make you think I want to come back" to, more recently, his pre BD passive aggressive controlling behavior re-emerges.
So, four months from BD to D, dude, after over a year in limbo, I envy the finality of your sitch and the positive way you are looking to the next phase in your life. Oh, and she will second guess herself. One dark night when she is alone, and the freedom she so desperately sought and was willing to blow up her life for has lost its sparkle, she will second guess herself.
Not now though. There is far too much momentum. From the sounds of it, when that happens it might be too late for her.
Oh, and she will second guess herself. One dark night when she is alone, and the freedom she so desperately sought and was willing to blow up her life for has lost its sparkle, she will second guess herself.
Not now though. There is far too much momentum. From the sounds of it, when that happens it might be too late for her.
You are awesome dude. You too burned. Keep going.
FS, I thought I was past the days when a kind comment could cause me to suddenly start crying. You proved me wrong. But thank you.
Harvey, all of her other comments have been spot on. Let’s hope she’s right with this one, too.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
