DV, well done with the email. Your H probably is upset, because he was hoping to skip out of the M and family while paying you little to nothing (all part of the fantasy). Now that he's on notice that it's not going to happen, he's probably spinning over what to do. Don't try to figure out what his response will be, you'll know soon enough. Hang in there!
Thanks AS. My H texted me about 30 minutes ago apologizing for not responding to my text with the volleyball schedule and said that he had but it looked like it didn’t go through. No mention of the email. Also let me know that he has to work late for parent-teacher night. He’s terrible at math but if he has calculated what he will have to pay and what he will have remaining, it is enough to live on but he has probably figured out he won’t be living the high life, that is for sure. Our kids have some learning needs that have been addressed with expensive professionals to the tune of $1,400 a month so on top of child support, he has to pay half of those expenses as well. It is pretty much equivalent to what our mortgage payment used to be. I don’t think he was expecting that at all. He has never given one thought to finances before. That has been my department. Financially we were home free until he did this to us. In a way, I am glad he is getting a dose of reality now and I still feel strong and at peace with dropping the rope.
More texts from H. This time to tell me that he was heading over to the mainland on Friday... how he was getting there...what he was doing...and who he would be staying with. Um...ok. Not sure why the detail. I just told him it was my weekend with the kids anyway and to have fun. Still waiting for his response to my email. At least it appears he is not mad at me as his texts are pleasant and concilliatory. Sure hope he isn’t just gearing up to tell me he wants them 50% of the time because I am dead set against that. I am going to try not to worry about it and just enjoy this new feeling of letting go.
I may have missed something in your sitch, but normally I'd advise not responding to texts unless he is asking a question. And in answering a question, respond as briefly as possible.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Normally I just acknowledge if he sends me info that is affecting his normal times to be with the kids. Generally on Fridays he picks them up from school and drives them to their activities so I had to let him know that I knew he wouldn’t be doing that. It is what I would do if he was one of my kids’ tutors texting to say they couldn’t make it. That was the underlying purpose of the text. It was just the extra info that was interesting as usually he would just say he is busy.
At least it appears he is not mad at me as his texts are pleasant and concilliatory.
Hi there. I’m new to your sitch and I don’t know much about it but I was passing by and noticed this. It’s mind reading, but you could be right. Or you could be wrong. My W is always polite and conciliatory when she wants something. If a text is blunt, it’s usually something minor. If it starts with, “Hey, hope you’re doing OK,” whoa nelly, brace yourself. Not trying to be a downer but pointing out the opposite so that you don’t get caught off guard.
Last edited by burned; 11/21/1806:37 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
D - H has indicated (the two times he has brought it up) that he want 50% custody.
1) Over my dead body. 2) He knows he cant possibly manage it, he is a pilot FFS, 3) I would need me to agree to 'flexible' days where he has them around his roster (this is what we have now) 4) Over my dead body
My terms for 50/50 are he has them every second week or he has them for 15 straight days each calendar month and when he has the girls he also has our dog. He cannot meet this requirement as his roster varies from month to month. He would need to go down to 50% at work.
The sceptic in me thinks he wants 50/50 so he can get out of paying child maintenance and also the current flexible arrangement favors him. He gets his roster, works out what days are left free, organizes his life around those days, and then I get whatever is left over. This is how he can book a weeks holiday away without consulting me. He won't have that freedom if we were to go 50/50. He would have to book his holidays when he hasn't got the girls.
Anyway, I digress. I think you have made huge leaps in the last few days and I envy your resolve. You seem to have turned a corner. Well done for sending the email.It is a visible sign to him that you are moving forward, with or without him, and most importantly, it will have forced him to see some of the more tangible consequences of his actions.
I agree with the others here re the communication. Your H desperately wants you to be his shoulder to cry on. Is that what you want? I think I have gotten to know you a little and I suspect it is not your nature to be abrupt, or to turn your back when someone is hurting, but I think, for your own healing, perhaps you need to do that in this case.
Thank you Burned and FS. Still radio silence on the email but I am prepared. My H knows that he does not deserve to nor has he demonstrated that he could have them 50% of the time so it will be interesting to see if he goes there. For sure he is thinking about it though. I don’t know that not paying child support is not his primary motivation but it is likely second on the list. I’m like you though... over my dead body. He is the one who emotionally (and mostly physically too) abandoned us four years ago. He is the one who decided day after day to turn his back on his family instead of trying to work on things. He doesn’t get to just waltz back in and pick up where he left off like nothing happened. Actions have consequences and I don’t think I’m being vindictive when I say that. If he had been honest with me from the start and we had tried everything but still got to this point, I might feel differently. But he didn’t. He unilaterallly decided that our marriage was over and then spent all that time justifying it by convincing himself that I was the problem. I know better.
I am home sick today. Decided just to take a day to see if I can fight off this cold but also taking it as a bit of a mental health day. I have only taken 2 1/2 sick days this calendar year despite all the craziness of the past few months so I have given myself permission to take the day off and get some rest. I’m doing more reading and thinking. I really do think I have turned a corner. I feel steadier, more grounded. Sending that email was a freeing experience. It was so devoid of emotion, it almost came across as cold but I am done with trying to introduce reality and common sense into a situation that is so crazy and destructive and ultimately unnecessary. But...it is what it is and I think I have finally gotten to a place of acceptance. I’ve stopped looking at him with melancholically-clouded vision and have started to see him for who he is right now. It is sad - so so sad but I can move on knowing that it was not my choice. I have no regrets other than maybe not giving my relationship the attention that it needed when I started to feel him pulling away. When/if I have another relationship in the future, I will know better.
This weekend I am with my kids and I’m looking forward to it. Saturday I am volunteering and have a open house at a friends so will be in and out. Sunday we are going to put up our Christmas tree. Usually I wait until a couple weeks before Christmas but the kids want to set it up earlier so I thought, why not? This house could use some extra Christmas spirit. I just have to figure out how to put our tree together since that was always my H’s department. Up until a few years ago, we had always gone out and bought a real tree because my H thought the fake ones looked too fake. Then we wandered into a store after Christmas one year and saw this huge (at least 20 feet tall) fake tree that was amazingly real looking on sale for $100. It divided into five pieces so we bought it. When we got home, we realized we could only use the first two pieces. When we moved into our new house, we were so excited to have tall enough ceilings that we can now use three of the five pieces. The tree looked beautiful last Christmas...our first and last Christmas as a family in our dream home. I wish I had known that then. I would have paid more attention, savoured the feelings a bit more. Same with our family trip to Mexico. But what can you do except maybe pay more attention to those good moments that are yet to come and be grateful for them. Before I was dreading Christmas and now I know that I am going to make it great. New Years too. Everyone I have invited so far has said they will come so I am excited about that too.
DV6 & FS, I am of the opposite opinion of you ladies. I think a child needs both parents in their life. I think 50/50 is the best option for children. Little boys and little girls need a strong Male role model (preferably Dad) as well as their Mom. Now if both your H want 50/50 I would say let them, with some caveats. I don't think you should have to rearrange your schedule for 50/50 as in the case of FS and her H's job, he is just going to have to become more flexible or change careers, not FS problem. I would also think that now would be a good time for your H to man up, grow a pair, and take care of his freaking kids, as is the case with DV6. Absentee Dad is BS, and I feel bad that you have had to deal with it DV6.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I can see your points TF, I can. However, I’m not ready to entertain that idea yet. My kids were at my H’s for four days and both came home telling me it was too long, they were homesick and they missed me terribly. They love their home and they love their rooms. They also live in a safe neighbourhood with friends around. At my H’s, they have to share a room and the neighbourhood is questionable. He also has this strange arrangements with “roommates” - at least he says that is how he thinks of them. I have also been the one constant in their lives and they are used to not seeing their dad as much. They love him and they like spending time with him but it is not the same. I am home to them. My H had every opportunity to be there for them and he CHOSE not to be - for years! Maybe over time, I will reconsider but not now.
