You poor thing. My heart breaks for you. Kids. It is doubly difficult to not show emotion in front of our H's when it is obvious our kids are hurting.
Mine don't bring it up. They sense that H and I don't want to talk about it and they follow our lead. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. They both give me extra big cuddles when they are going away with him and also when they come back. D9 comes running from the car screaming "mummy" with her arms out wide waiting for her hug. D12 gives me a quick cuddle and her forehead to kiss (this is quite a big thing for her). They both also frequently sleep in my bed. Any reason, (not that) scary movie, sore tummies, sore throats, cold beds etc. Neither of my children were the type to sleep in our bed - in fact we had always dissuaded it on the grounds that they both kicked a lot when they were in the middle of H and I and neither of us got any sleep. Well, that's not a problem anymore.
Your H is not a monster. Unless he is a sociopath (which from your description he is not) then he would have felt emotional too. He left the room because he cannot show that emotion to you. In the same way, you try to no longer show him the pain you are in. Different reasons. He is trying to prove he made the right decision and you are trying to show that you are OK with his decision. Same as my H in the early days saying the kids were better off now that he had left and that they had adapted to the situation.
I am not sure what counsel to give re your kids. It is so hard. The only thing I have is to keep doing what you are doing. Be optimistic when you are around them, pretend to be excited about there days out with the dad, and try and keep your interactions with your H as amicable as possible. It is so hard to keep up a brave face in front of our kids when inside we want to scream. Breakdown in the privacy of YOUR room, have a good cry whilst sitting in a warm bath, or vent here. There will always be people who will lend an ear and [in my case] an opinion.
This is someone who says he has been done for four years and that he moved with me and our kids because he thought I would be okay here if/when he left. What happened? I ha nothing but feelings of love for him then. How could two people go through the exact same experience and feel such different things?
Don't believe it. He may have been struggling, but not done. If you felt it in the moment, it was real. Don't let him take that away from you. Seriously.
A bit of an emotional evening. Got an email from my H. He wants me to go to mediation for our separation. Pretty sure he is hoping to get the kids 50/50 so he won’t have to pay much child support. He only makes $10,000 more than me a year so probably thinks he should pay almost nothing. So, in my province, there is no such thing as a legal separation. You have to be living apart for a year to file for a divorce unless one of the spouses commits adultery and the other spouse files on those grounds. So mediation and division of assets is really something that happens during a divorce. Anyway...the email was very business-like and cold...just like mine, I suppose. He seems in a big hurry to get something done and does not want to deal with lawyers who he thinks will just pit us against one another. He will not get 50/50 though. My kids will be 12 next year and will get to have a say. I casually asked my daughter if mommy and daddy wanted her to live with her dad one week and her mom the next, how would she feel about it. She barely even thought about it. She said “no” right away. That she wants to live in her home with me and that she is fine to visit his place. I asked if it would make a difference if he got a different house in our neighbourhood and she said her answer would be the same. I told her not to worry about it but that I just wanted to know how she felt. Sigh... I really, really hate this. Anyway...I just replied that we could talk about it after the holidays so have put it off for now. I’m going to put it off as long as I can and focus on me and detaching. There are some days when I feel like I am really close and then wham!! Something happens and I am back to feeling sad and powerless again. I just want to fast forward a couple years and be done with these emotions.
Wide awake and it is almost 1 a.m. My H’s push towards separating our finances has me worried far less about whether he is coming back and more worried about losing time with my children and finances. Honestly...we were home free but when you divide our $ in half, it feels like I am going right back to where I was before we moved. Living pay cheque to pay cheque with no extras for vacations or summer holidays with the kids. I have just been doing the math and have figured out a way to just be devastated all over again. I really, really hate this.
It [censored] big time, and I am in a not dissimilar situation, but we have to face reality. Are you happy now? No! could you be happy in the future? Yes. Can you be happy even though you may not have the extra cash? Yes. No amount of money or financial security is worth putting up with an unhappy marriage. You cannot find happiness with your H when he is acting as he is at the moment. Roll your sleeves up girl. You will be happy because of the wonderful, strong, kind and caring person you are. Life is full of challenges, but it's very rewarding when you overcome them.
No I’m not happy now... and I wasn’t particularly happy when he was mostly away for all those years... but I was committed and looking forward to when he was “better” and we could start to put our lives back together. And this past year I was finally financially on my feet and enjoying what it felt like to not have that money stress. It was amazing. I counted my blessings every day and I loved my husband. Now in two short months (my timeline) my H is singlehandedly destroying everything we worked for. Yes I can be happy again and I will get there. But this is a lot to handle and to adjust to. In my strong moments (and there are more of those than before) I am okay. But things come up and I have to process and readjust. I think that is where I am at right now. I am not fearing that he won’t come back... I am pretty sure he will not. But this new thing will take a while. It will take a while for me to forgive him for doing this to our family. I am striving to get there. I really am.
More journaling. Still feeling quite under the weather and I’m afraid it is affecting my mental health as well. Having some low moments. Still somewhat preoccupied with the what ifs of my H’s and my inevitable discussion around custody and finances. A cheeseless tunnel, I know. Still...it is weighing on my mind. And it feels like the end of my marriage is coming towards me at a very fast pace. I want so much to be detached... well and truly detached. But it seems like there is no short cut. No quick way to get there. It is a kind of marathon in itself. Strong moments...followed by weak...followed by strong...etc... I am getting to the place of acceptance but it is not yet accompanied by detachment. I know that will come...in time.
To that end... I have written a list of goals for myself. Things I would like to accomplish as soon as I am feeling physically up to it. Hoping to be able to go and get my guitar tomorrow. My H is supposed to help me pick one out but I’m not sure I am going to wait for him. Also doing some Christmas decorating. Kids are looking forward to it. I am going to make it fun.
I texted a bit with my ex-husband (#1) today. Before anyone tells me that’s a bad idea, my XH and I split 18 years ago. It was amicable, we had nothing to divide and no kids, we have always remained friends and he and my H have a casual email friendship based on a common interest (music). My XH, who is 9 years older than my H, also went through very similar things that my H is going through (minus the pathological lying) and has some insight. He also lives quite far away so is detached from the sitch and he knows me very well so can give me some good feedback. There is zero attraction between us anymore... just a very good honest friendship that both of us value. It would be my greatest hope that my H and I could have that kind of relationship in the future but I’m not sure my H could get there with me and not be constantly reminded of his guilt so it is unlikely. But... you never know what the future holds, I suppose.
Just catching up. I'm sorry for your worries and for feeling poorly. Physical health is such an important contributor to our emotional health, isn't it? Everything is compounded when we don't feel well. I don't recall if you have ever contacted an attorney? If an official separation (which isn't really recognized in my state) is forthcoming for me, I've already contacted a mediator, but haven't met them yet. An attorney too, in case I need it. My feeling is that being proactive is always better than reactive. I've run all the numbers, figured out expenses, considered how to split retirement funds, etc. Of course I hope it doesn't come to that, but action in just getting preliminary stuff done "just in case" made me feel more in control. Perhaps that would for you too.
Hang in there, and give your kiddos lots of hugs. Here's one from me! *HUGS*
Thank you Grace. Man...this has been a really tough day. My H is on my mind way too much. I keep getting to a good place in my mind and then suddenly I am back to feeling alone and sad. I am really, really struggling today. A lot of grief that I usually don’t let myself feel. I think this is me...losing hope...starting to really comprehend that this may be the end. I am sitting here in my dream home...what was supposed to be our dream home... and it is beautiful but if feels just so darn empty. I know I have to let go. I have to let go of everything that I have planned and thought about for all the years that I was waiting for my H to come home. I wish I could just go away somewhere. Stir on a warm beach and soak up some sun. Gosh... I feel like such a victim right now. My H called me strong and stoic. I am so not feeling that right now.
My H called me strong and stoic. I am so not feeling that right now.
I've been called strong. And I am. But sometimes it's exhausting. I want someone to take care of me for once. I don't want to have to take care of everything, for once. Funny you mention going to a warm beach and soak up some sun. I live in a place like that. My happy place would be in a cool place, not too much snow, but hiking through the woods in a warm comfy sweathshirt. But, I am planning a short trip with a few girlfriends. Not for a couple more months, but something to be said for getting away from it all. I hope you can do that too!
