I too know my worth, and I'm feeling it more and more every day. I am curious if W will ever get a chance to notice or if she's too far out the door. I feel you when you say how unfair this all is to the LBS. My spouse is also 46. I'm 34 and the idea of not being in an active healthy relationship during this awesome part of my life is enraging.
BUT then I remember that I wasn't living my best self either. So did I really want to be my not-best-self? I was happy, but perhaps not fulfilled. One of my self-improvement goals is strangely about my sexuality. I was not an actively sexual person during the R. And it didn't bother me, but it sure hurt W to have these different levels of desire. And now that we're S leaning towards D I find myself with sexual energy (ugh. so sad). But I'm spending my time learning about my own sexual needs (Emily nagoski is proving super helpful) while effectively single so that next time I'm in a healthy R space I can ACT ON IT. Time to stop waiting for life to happen to me, and time to speak up for what I want.
I too know my worth, and I'm feeling it more and more every day. I am curious if W will ever get a chance to notice or if she's too far out the door. I feel you when you say how unfair this all is to the LBS. My spouse is also 46. I'm 34 and the idea of not being in an active healthy relationship during this awesome part of my life is enraging.
BUT then I remember that I wasn't living my best self either. So did I really want to be my not-best-self? I was happy, but perhaps not fulfilled. One of my self-improvement goals is strangely about my sexuality. I was not an actively sexual person during the R. And it didn't bother me, but it sure hurt W to have these different levels of desire. And now that we're S leaning towards D I find myself with sexual energy (ugh. so sad). But I'm spending my time learning about my own sexual needs (Emily nagoski is proving super helpful) while effectively single so that next time I'm in a healthy R space I can ACT ON IT. Time to stop waiting for life to happen to me, and time to speak up for what I want.
Yail please know that I wasn’t insinuating that you didn’t know your worth. You probably know that but I want to make sure I clarify that just in case.
I want to give you a big virtual hug right now. Hang in there, there are better days ahead. The good thing is that you realize that you weren’t living your best life prior to the S. You also realize that you wasn’t being actively sexual. Trust me, last year before my H affair, neither was I. We probably had sex once every couple of months, maybe longer. Of course that’s not an excuse for his affair, he made the choice to have an affair. I’m just saying that I’m sure it was tough for him. He wanted to be intimate with me and I constantly pushed him away. And when I did make myself available to him, there was nothing romantic about it. It was more of here, you happy now?!?
The point is you recognize these things now. As do I. However, there our things our spouses need to work on as well. We have to allow them the space and time to work on those things. It’s hard I know. When it comes to my H, I don’t think he really wants to leave. As I’ve said upthread, I think he really is confused. That said, he has issues only he can work through.
As weird as it sounds, I’m actually starting to feel grateful that this all happened. I mean it hurts and hurts like hell. But the thing I can say is this time around, I’m actually taking care of myself. I’m actually getting more focused on what I want for my life. I’m coming out of the “I must walk on egg shells so that my H won’t be unhappy”, and I’m focusing on my own happiness. I’ve been reading a lot and I can honestly say, I’m getting back to the strong person that I was when my husband met me. Maybe he’s seeing a glimpse of that and that’s why he’s so into me lately.
You’re doing the right thing Yail, GAL and continue to work towards bettering yourself. Hopefully your W will notice, if not, you’ll still be a better person in the end!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I too know my worth, and I'm feeling it more and more every day. I am curious if W will ever get a chance to notice or if she's too far out the door. I feel you when you say how unfair this all is to the LBS. My spouse is also 46. I'm 34 and the idea of not being in an active healthy relationship during this awesome part of my life is enraging.
BUT then I remember that I wasn't living my best self either. So did I really want to be my not-best-self? I was happy, but perhaps not fulfilled. One of my self-improvement goals is strangely about my sexuality. I was not an actively sexual person during the R. And it didn't bother me, but it sure hurt W to have these different levels of desire. And now that we're S leaning towards D I find myself with sexual energy (ugh. so sad). But I'm spending my time learning about my own sexual needs (Emily nagoski is proving super helpful) while effectively single so that next time I'm in a healthy R space I can ACT ON IT. Time to stop waiting for life to happen to me, and time to speak up for what I want.
Yail please know that I wasn’t insinuating that you didn’t know your worth. You probably know that but I want to make sure I clarify that just in case.
I want to give you a big virtual hug right now. Hang in there, there are better days ahead. The good thing is that you realize that you weren’t living your best life prior to the S. You also realize that you wasn’t being actively sexual. Trust me, last year before my H affair, neither was I. We probably had sex once every couple of months, maybe longer. Of course that’s not an excuse for his affair, he made the choice to have an affair. I’m just saying that I’m sure it was tough for him. He wanted to be intimate with me and I constantly pushed him away. And when I did make myself available to him, there was nothing romantic about it. It was more of here, you happy now?!?
The point is you recognize these things now. As do I. However, there our things our spouses need to work on as well. We have to allow them the space and time to work on those things. It’s hard I know. When it comes to my H, I don’t think he really wants to leave. As I’ve said upthread, I think he really is confused. That said, he has issues only he can work through.
As weird as it sounds, I’m actually starting to feel grateful that this all happened. I mean it hurts and hurts like hell. But the thing I can say is this time around, I’m actually taking care of myself. I’m actually getting more focused on what I want for my life. I’m coming out of the “I must walk on egg shells so that my H won’t be unhappy”, and I’m focusing on my own happiness. I’ve been reading a lot and I can honestly say, I’m getting back to the strong person that I was when my husband met me. Maybe he’s seeing a glimpse of that and that’s why he’s so into me lately.
You’re doing the right thing Yail, GAL and continue to work towards bettering yourself. Hopefully your W will notice, if not, you’ll still be a better person in the end!
Well I sure am glad it's the day before the holidays here at work and there's only one other person in the office because now I'm just silently crying at my desk! Living, I really appreciate your response because I feel like you get it and I'm not alone for this one tiny second. Thank you. Hugs to you and your process and hugs to me during mine. Hugs all around! And smash all the eggshells!
(BTW: the "Know your worth" was more of me repeating this to myself. Gotta keep repeating for those moment I doubt it :))
I too know my worth, and I'm feeling it more and more every day. I am curious if W will ever get a chance to notice or if she's too far out the door. I feel you when you say how unfair this all is to the LBS. My spouse is also 46. I'm 34 and the idea of not being in an active healthy relationship during this awesome part of my life is enraging.
BUT then I remember that I wasn't living my best self either. So did I really want to be my not-best-self? I was happy, but perhaps not fulfilled. One of my self-improvement goals is strangely about my sexuality. I was not an actively sexual person during the R. And it didn't bother me, but it sure hurt W to have these different levels of desire. And now that we're S leaning towards D I find myself with sexual energy (ugh. so sad). But I'm spending my time learning about my own sexual needs (Emily nagoski is proving super helpful) while effectively single so that next time I'm in a healthy R space I can ACT ON IT. Time to stop waiting for life to happen to me, and time to speak up for what I want.
Yail please know that I wasn’t insinuating that you didn’t know your worth. You probably know that but I want to make sure I clarify that just in case.
I want to give you a big virtual hug right now. Hang in there, there are better days ahead. The good thing is that you realize that you weren’t living your best life prior to the S. You also realize that you wasn’t being actively sexual. Trust me, last year before my H affair, neither was I. We probably had sex once every couple of months, maybe longer. Of course that’s not an excuse for his affair, he made the choice to have an affair. I’m just saying that I’m sure it was tough for him. He wanted to be intimate with me and I constantly pushed him away. And when I did make myself available to him, there was nothing romantic about it. It was more of here, you happy now?!?
The point is you recognize these things now. As do I. However, there our things our spouses need to work on as well. We have to allow them the space and time to work on those things. It’s hard I know. When it comes to my H, I don’t think he really wants to leave. As I’ve said upthread, I think he really is confused. That said, he has issues only he can work through.
As weird as it sounds, I’m actually starting to feel grateful that this all happened. I mean it hurts and hurts like hell. But the thing I can say is this time around, I’m actually taking care of myself. I’m actually getting more focused on what I want for my life. I’m coming out of the “I must walk on egg shells so that my H won’t be unhappy”, and I’m focusing on my own happiness. I’ve been reading a lot and I can honestly say, I’m getting back to the strong person that I was when my husband met me. Maybe he’s seeing a glimpse of that and that’s why he’s so into me lately.
You’re doing the right thing Yail, GAL and continue to work towards bettering yourself. Hopefully your W will notice, if not, you’ll still be a better person in the end!
Well I sure am glad it's the day before the holidays here at work and there's only one other person in the office because now I'm just silently crying at my desk! Living, I really appreciate your response because I feel like you get it and I'm not alone for this one tiny second. Thank you. Hugs to you and your process and hugs to me during mine. Hugs all around! And smash all the eggshells!
(BTW: the "Know your worth" was more of me repeating this to myself. Gotta keep repeating for those moment I doubt it :))
You are most welcome Yail! I wish you the happiest Holiday. I hope during this holiday season you find some peace and joy! I’m sending you so many virtual hugs!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
My therapist says I need to have a long talk with him and see what he wants to do about the marriage.
I believe that R talk is the last thing you should do. R talk is good when both people are fully committed. There will be time for talking later if you get through this most difficult part of the process. Your job right now is to listen to him when he brings up R.
Quote
The crazy thing is I can see signs of the man I fell in love with showing up.
This is a good sign what you are doing is working.
Quote
I can say without a doubt that there is no way in hell we can resume this marriage without resolving some major issues.
My therapist says I need to have a long talk with him and see what he wants to do about the marriage.
I believe that R talk is the last thing you should do. R talk is good when both people are fully committed. There will be time for talking later if you get through this most difficult part of the process. Your job right now is to listen to him when he brings up R.
Quote
The crazy thing is I can see signs of the man I fell in love with showing up.
This is a good sign what you are doing is working.
Quote
I can say without a doubt that there is no way in hell we can resume this marriage without resolving some major issues.
Ready2Change thanks for the book recommendation list.
I haven’t initiated any R talks. I agree with both people needing to be committed before that happens.
However, last night he initiated R talks. He told me that he missed being in love with me. He also told me some of the things he feels has gone wrong in our relationship. He says he misses me and does love me so much. He said that he doesn’t want a divorce. He said many things last night and I listened to him and validated his feelings.
The one thing that I did gather from our talk is that he has some issues with communication. He has tried to ignore problems we’ve had in our marriage. He waits until things get bad before he says anything. To be honest he doesn’t even really express them then. He just shuts down and I basically know at that point something is wrong. Then Instary asking questions and he’ll slowly open up.
He also doesn’t seem to get that it takes work to stay “in love” with someone. I did tell him that he seems to want so much from this relationship but doesn’t seem to be willing to do the work required to sustain a relationship.
He ended the conversation by saying he isn’t saying things can’t be fixed but he’s not sure if they can. He then reiterated that he wasn’t ready for a D.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
However, last night he initiated R talks. He told me that he missed being in love with me. He also told me some of the things he feels has gone wrong in our relationship. He says he misses me and does love me so much. He said that he doesn’t want a divorce....He ended the conversation by saying he isn’t saying things can’t be fixed but he’s not sure if they can. He then reiterated that he wasn’t ready for a D.
Do you believe him?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
However, last night he initiated R talks. He told me that he missed being in love with me. He also told me some of the things he feels has gone wrong in our relationship. He says he misses me and does love me so much. He said that he doesn’t want a divorce....He ended the conversation by saying he isn’t saying things can’t be fixed but he’s not sure if they can. He then reiterated that he wasn’t ready for a D.
Do you believe him?
I feel I know him very well so I would say that I do believe him. Especially since he initiated the conversation. However, there is so much that needs to be fixed. He held a lot in for a very long time. We should have addressed these issues before they got to this point.
The fact is I still love him and I feel he still loves me. I’m just not positive he’s willing to do the work we will have to do to rebuild our marriage. However, one things is certain, he isn’t letting me go yet.
What I need to hear him say is that he’s committed to working on our marriage together. That is what I haven’t heard. I refuse to do all the work.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
My response to that is that I hope you're right. There's a phrase here that goes: Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
On some level, his noncommittal words indicate that he is more than content to carry on with "limbo".
QFT.
You better dig your heels in because the hardest part of being in this sitch is determining how to move in a direction that will get out you out of limbo. Whether it's towards R or D. Words mean nothing. Actions mean more but should be scrutinized.
