Great last post! Now stick to it. Accept that this is going to happen and there nothing you can do to stop it. Every decision you make should be based on what's best for you and your children. Do not give any concessions in the process unless it's advantageous to you.
It's ok to keep future recon in your thoughts but it is best to move forward with the thought that it is not going to happen. Never ever say anything to give her the impression that you will be waiting around for her.
As far as your concerned it's her fuching loss and you are going to have a great life w/o her and she will deeply regret it someday.
So, I guess this is kind of therapy for me to write - It has been more of a help than I have actually recognized until now.
Basically not much has changed around the house. I am enjoying my time with the kids a lot. Doing a lot of things outside of the house with them, and then when they are tugged in, I usually hit the gym, go see a friend or do something that keeps me out of the house.
WW has been acting SUPER friendly to me, since we closed down the final attachment strings (house going for sale and financials being separated). She asks me a lot of questions, smiles, tries to engage in conversation, cooks, and wants to make my meals. I am not fooled by her words or her actions, because I know it is a mix of her being happy that she is now 100% free (she was anyways), to pursue that new and shiny future with the OM, and also the fact, that she can see the end of this seemingly nightmare of living with me (i told her to move out on more than one occasion, but yea)... So I guess she is just displaying, that she finally got her way, and therefore she is happy and doesn't mind having her family around while it lasts (yea Im not a fan of this behaviour, but its out of my hands).
I have been setting up a bucket list of european capitals that I want to visit over the next years, and I am exited about going. I also have been looking for a new job, because I believe this is a "reboot" of my life, and that I really need it to be a total reboot.
WW has been disrespectful to say the least... Those of you follow and help me in my stitch, or did, since I realize it is over, will agree with the amount of disrespect that I have received. She now doesn't even hide the fact that she is in daily (a lot), contact with the OM. Her phone is on the table counter with an open display, so I can't but notice when im in the kitchen, and it lights up with texts and snapchats from this man, and it does often - I shouldn't care, but I do (still, im faking it till I make it - or at least till im out of this house).
I still love the woman dearly, but as I wrote, I realize that in order to survive this and not loose myself, I know now, that I must set her free to live her life without me. Painful as it is for me and for our 1 and 4 year old.
She asks me every morning what my day looks like, and if I will be home during the evening. I again just pass it off as her knowing wether she can make plans with OM or not, not an actual interest in my actual doings.
So yea, I am not looking forward to Christmas, but I will put on a brave face for my children, so they can have a great Christmas despite their mothers actions.
I will be having the kids this Christmas, and we are going to spend it with my family. I hope (I know it might come off as childish), that she sits on Christmas eve, without her kids, and that the guilt and hurt flush over her, that I have experienced for the last 3 months. I doubt it though.
//Hurt
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Let me tell you H that WWs brains are sometimes no that straightforward oriented. There are monkeys everywhere and selfishness is the king of the jungle. Itīs complete chaos...
Sooner or later water will calm in the sea of waywardness and we, the WWs, must face the product of our actions...
You canīt control that H, not your monkeys, donīt feed them.
Time to make the light shine bright man, keep the lighthouse shining.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Keep up the good work Hurt. I know there are a lot of things that hurt. I've been there. I remember the night, a couple of weeks after BD, when on Friday night, at about 12:30am, she went into our guest bathroom. (Prior to her waywardness the woman was a master of efficiency in the restroom. Didn't matter which version of nature called, she was in and out in 5-10 minutes.)
I went in to go to bed. a half an hour went by. Then an hour. As it approached 2am I just knew she was in there, in contact with EA OM, probably taking inappropriate pictures for him. (My suspicions were later confirmed when I found the pictures, during a snooping event, in her online photos trashbin.)
WWs aren't being disrespectful in order to be disrespectful....they are just doing, as neffer said, what makes them happy at the moment due to their selfishness.
Just keep ignoring it and just keep DBing.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/27/1801:50 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So yea, I am just venting since a few things went down since yesterday.
So basically, we were discussing what days we were having with the kids in the Christmas holiday that is coming up. Apparently she is going out of town with OM, because it is all too much for her, not having the kids. She decided it would be okay, to just plot the days I could have, and then that was all jolly. Eh.. Fuchk no! I said to her, that it was really manipulative of her, and how in the world, she had imagined that I would be okay with that. We communicate, we come to an agreement, and thats it - she doesn't get to just do whatever the hell she wants to. On the 25th of december we have a christmas gathering and in the evening there is another party I would really like to attend, so I asked her, if she could take the kids, just for the evening, I would take them through the day, and then I wouldn't mind the other days, that she had plotted in the calendar, even though I would have to rearrange some stuff. She just said plain and simple, that she was out of town on the 25, and that there was nothing she could do nor did she want to.
I could see this was going nowhere, so I ended up just saying, fine whatever, but this is never happening again - Then today I get a text from her, where she says, that she will take them on the 25 because I have the party (which I have now cancelled), and then she wants to change 3 of the days, where I had now rearranged plans for her sake. I said, absolutely not. I don't care about you and OM's plans and how they must have changed since, you are all of a sudden willing to help out, why don't you try and be honest. <-- To that she replied, "honesty? yea well then I don't want the kids for the days we planned, because I made new plans"
She said that she was sorry about the fuzz, and that she was just learning to having to seperate time with the kids and that was why. I simply told her to have just an inch of respect for what she and I used to be. and it was really hurtful that she was lying to me and manipulating. It didn't have anything to do with "learning", it was about OM and her plans, and that they had changed - I wasn't stupid.
She then just said "Sorry" to which I replied "Sorry, but those words are empty to me, I know you don't mean them".
She then in all seriousness, asked me, if my sister could take the kids for two days because she was going with OM. I said that I would take them, because I appreciated spending time with my kids. But if she ever chose to use my sister as a place to dump our kids, so she could go out and be 17 years old and gone wild, then her and I would have a major problem. the I told her to grow up. I never got any responses.
I was informed yesterday, that she is using me in her relationship with OM. I don't really care I just pity her. Apparently he won't put a label on what they are. She is basically just comfort and a good time, but she wants it to be more. She is now manipulating him by apparently saying, how interesting I have become, how me going to the gym all the time has really made me so good looking, and that she wants to see if I will spent new years with her. All just to make him jealous, I was like WTF.
Yesterday she broke down in the living room and I just said, you made some choices, own them, and you know what, everything is going to be great for me, and probably for you too. She just gasped "I won't be okay for a very long time...." I just left the living room at that point.
Messy update, but just venting. I really feel like, she is lying constantly to get her way with plans and OM and now it is taking its toll on my kids. I am really fed up. Who is this evil person.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
hurt...i'm not a vet enough around here to break down all of what you wrote to the detail that i'm sure others who come along will be able to do, but that said just some general comments. "try" as best you can to keep your conversations with her as minimal as can be. when you do have to speak with her keep your "venting" comments inside of you, but share them here for support. the two of you need to get a formalized custody schedule in place which i think will help stabilize much of the "who gets the kids" subject that currently is too excessive for you and triggers you into saying too much. whenever you can have your kids with you, DO SO and DOCUMENT! it will serve you well if you head to D.
keep the focus on you and the children, head down, blinders on to her and whatever with OM is going on. the more her actions get you fed up, the more moving forward you'll do. prayers for you and family.
Do you know what a narcissist is? I am not saying she is one, but there sounds like some tendencies. She is playing you and OM off each other and making this all about her. Don't engage, I understand that you are hurting, but don't vent your true feelings to her. You got to seriously stop doing that. Do it here on the board. Stay calm, validate her emotions when needed and move on. It also sounds like she wants to be a mother only when its convenient for her. Your kids are very young and need consistency. You will have to step up because it doesn't sound like she will. Be the rock for your children.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
hurt...i'm not a vet enough around here to break down all of what you wrote to the detail that i'm sure others who come along will be able to do, but that said just some general comments. "try" as best you can to keep your conversations with her as minimal as can be. when you do have to speak with her keep your "venting" comments inside of you, but share them here for support. the two of you need to get a formalized custody schedule in place which i think will help stabilize much of the "who gets the kids" subject that currently is too excessive for you and triggers you into saying too much. whenever you can have your kids with you, DO SO and DOCUMENT! it will serve you well if you head to D.
keep the focus on you and the children, head down, blinders on to her and whatever with OM is going on. the more her actions get you fed up, the more moving forward you'll do. prayers for you and family.
Well said Ballast!
Hurt, I agree with Ballast on all counts. Document the custody schedule and if she wants to change it then she can deal with getting a babysitter. My ex and I have a good parenting relationship and although we have a very specific custody schedule, we do change days around if something comes up. But in our case it works both ways, sometimes I'm helping her out and other times she's helping me out.This is exactly how a co-parenting arrangement should be, but in your case your W is 100% "take" and 0% "give" so I would suggest you stick to the agreement and allow her no flexibility until such time that she shows she can be reasonable and responsible.
I also agree on Ballast that you need to reign in your outbursts. Clearly it's got to be very frustrating dealing with her, but take the high road and maintain your cool throughout. Don't let her drag you down to her level.
