Hi Ovrrnbw, I'm glad to see there's progress with your wife! Even if she visited OM it sounds like the visits have become less. She probably has lingering feelings for him or maybe wants to stay friends with him but hopefully that'll fizzle out. If she decides to stay with you then we can assume at some point OM himself will want to move on. My experience when my husband came back the first time was that he didn't want to talk about his affair at all. He wanted to come back easily and I think he wanted to put everything behind him and move on but it's not easy for those of us who have been betrayed to just forget. At first it's amazing when our spouses come back home and seem like they're ending their affair but over time we realize how much has changed in terms of the trust and respect we have for our spouse. It sounds like you're taking the right steps and you're making conditions favorable for your wife to return which is what we all want. It's worth just checking in with yourself each time she visits OM or does something suspicious to determine where you'll draw the line.
Ovr, as I was catching up on your sitch at one point, I was pleasantly surprised to see you may actually be R. Your W is still as inconsistent as they come though. But wanting to go to MC is a great sign according to me, she at least wants to or show that she is trying. You are strong in your DBing and it is getting to her. She however is still as lost , so continue on your path and make your own life better. It is great to see your efforts are consistent and you are not on her roller coaster anymore. I do hope the A is over for her, but you know by now, keep your boundaries so you are not hurt any further than this.
I got a call from SIL on Saturday. Then again SIL called yesterday. I didn't answer or return either b/c she has lied to me several times on important issues over the years, she supported W's affair, and she sympathized with the affair partner and threw me under the bus. She told W to file for divorce and bring OM to her parents for a holiday weekend. I know all of this through text messages on W's phone back in July and August/September. So I don't really have anything to say to SIL right now.
W asked me to talk to SIL both last night and this morning. I avoided talking to W about it last night, and this morning told her no. SIL is calling in regards to a question in my professional field, but she could get this info from anyone. So now FIL calls me to ask me to call SIL. I told him I can't help her, I'm not licensed in her state anymore, and that anything between us is between me and SIL. I guess I don't understand the family pressure tactic or why SIL would even want to ask me these things. Maybe things need to be aired out with W's family.
Also I'm annoyed at the in laws family yacking like crazy. Which is one reason I hate to say to much to W, because then her whole family knows. My question is how do I handle this?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Go to your boundaries that you have established and are continuing to establish. Yackers are going to yack. Whether you tell them or not. If you want to reduce your chances of them gossiping, I would reduce or cut off contact with your IL's friends and associates.
Other than that, I would just work on letting it bounce off you.
Your IL sound sneaky and backstabbish. How would you protect yourself from getting hurt by those kinds of people?
I agree with Pain18. I too would have little time for gossiping in-laws who are only interested in talking to me when I have something of value they need.
I wouldn't avoid her entirely though or pass messages through W or FIL. Things get lost or exaggerated in translation.
If and when SIL tries to call you back, don't pick up, but send her back a text (after an appropriate time) along the lines of "Hi - got your message. I am sorry I am not able to help you. I am not licensed in your state. I suggest contacting [some random enquiry number or website] if you need advice in this area". She won't contact you again. Your IL's will probably have a field day at your expense but f' em.
Also, who gets their dad to call on their behalf? Are these people not adults ?
W and I argued last night about her SIL. W was treating me like cap and saying selfish things at dinner, so I looked at our car app. Imagine that, she went to OM (parents) 's house the Tuesday night. I was worried she did that on Saturday too bc she left the lake house early when her mom didn't she and it was just guys there. She did visit OM on Saturday.
Well W didn't sleep in the MBR last night, oh well. W brought up legal separation last night. I said do what you want. W tells me today she's not going to my dad's today and I shouldn't go to her parents Friday either. I should have said OK and walked away but I talked. What a dummy I am.
I spoke with my in laws today, send all 2 x 4 my way. I was able to understand a couple of things that have been troubling my W: 1. When I told my W her parents are in denial of what W is doing. 2. W took my "2 wrongs don't make a right" statement the wrong way, as if I were attacking her. Given my behavioral history, this makes sense. 3. Maybe I could have talked to my SIL
So I spent too much time there. Major backslide, in some ways it was good to hear what the in laws said. We'll see if W moves out or what happens. She's a WW so probably nothing will change. I told in laws W has flip flopped 5 times now on me, going back to the OM with a lie or by saying nothing. They don't like that, but up until today they didn't know that W left again after our Florida trip around labor day. The in laws mostly blame me for everything. I say this so that others can learn from my mistakes and leave the in laws be.
I saw a great post on IG today that said life isn't always ice cream and orgasms but you are in charge of your attitude and mindset. Attitude is contagious and mindset is everything. Choose happiness. Choose positivity. This is where I am going, just not sure when the next orgasm will be haha.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Even when things appear to be on the upswing, you're having to work for every step forward. And even then THAT journey is jagged.
I feel that you have gained a considerable amount of strength in this. To be able to talk about youir latest developments and be as positive as you are right now is a testament to the type of person you are becoming.
I'm so sorry to hear of these latest developments. Your wife sounds young and immature so it seems there's no quick fix to this situation. She did come back to you and she'll probably do it again, even if she once again wants to leave, but this back-and-forth is a big hardship for you and the way you make it so easy for her to come back may be enabling her behavior. Her family doesn't sound like they're helping matters. One thing I can't understand after reading your threads is if there's something you think you could have done better in the marriage? If her family blames you and if your wife feels so free to come-and-go, what's the role you believe you've played? And how closely does that role match what they're blaming you for? I doubt you've done anything wrong but it's interesting to hear how someone's family is so gullible that they'd blame their daughter's husband when their own daughter is having an affair. It's a no-win situation for you!
No, the in laws are right. I did a lot of emotional abuse. Berating, nitpicking, nothing was ever done right or good enough for me. Learned that from my dad unfortunately. Totally pushed my wife away and we weren't intimate or sexual like a healthy couple should be. My W did fight for the marriage for a while but I don't think she knew what the heck was going on or how to deal with it. There probably wasn't much she could do.
W has said that she doesn't hate me anymore.
Maybe I did make it too easy for her to come back. I still have things to improve on and learn from.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She is not back Over, you know that. It’s good to acknowledge your mistakes (yeah, see who’s saying it...) and improve yourself. So you need to reinforce DB man. Get away from those talks with SIL or ILs.
Keep moving forward Over!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
haha.