I might provide details of my sitch later, but for now, suffice to say that after 35 years, W walked away 10 months ago. Over the past two months, we finally had the opportunity to engage in facilitated conversation with an excellent therapist. With hope this might be helpful to others, I provide my interpretation of these conversations.
W stated one main reason for her unhappiness in the marriage. I believe there are two deeper ones. Of the latter, I raised one; regarding the other, I think she has to formulate this herself.
The stated reason: I cannot bring myself to “like” some people in her life. For example, I have a brother-in-law who has said racist and cruel things about poor people. I am perfectly happy to be civil, cordial, and polite when I see him. It bothers W I do not ‘like’ him. I see him but once a year and W cannot point to a single thing I’ve said or done that was behaviorally mean. But just knowing how I “feel” bothers her and lingers with her.
The first, deeper reason I intimated during our session: W’s mom treats human relations with an emotional flat-line. I wondered if this has influenced the way W deals with emotions. I reminded W that she told me she was first attracted to me because I was the most emotionally accessible man she had ever met. I opined that neither she nor I can control the emotions I feel. But I do take accountability for how I deal with those emotions.
The deep, deep, second reason: I think there is such a thing as existential angst. My own escape has been to find creative, purposeful work. During my most productive years in the past (I believe the best is yet to come), W has attempted to find similar work. She has not found it yet.
Whatever the reason for W's unhappiness, we cannot reconcile until W: (1) takes ownership of her happiness and stops thinking of future happiness as simply a negation of me; and (2) accepts my freedom to own my emotions.
Where are we now? W was honest in saying she is figuring it out. Right now, she just needs space and time alone.
For me, like her, I also have to make a choice. The more authentic part of me realizes how much I still love her and how much I owe her. Compassion and integrity impel me to giver her time, space, and support, while I continue to focus on my life’s work.
The other part of me wants to emotionally, mentally, and physically move on to other relationships, because I continue to want to know and to be known by some other in an intimate way, in the context of an unconditional, life-long commitment. For those of you who have persevered and held on to hope over many years, my whining over my own 10 months in limbo must seem infantile.
As my oldest daughter put it: “is this the new normal or just an aberration?” If I knew for certain it is the latter, I would wait indefinitely.
In the spirit of the season in the U.S., I give thanks for everything. I hope everyone reading this pauses and reflects upon the many things for which, even in our darkest hour, we can be grateful.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
paco, welcome to the board. Sorry you're here but there are many here that can help you and related to you.
I can tell you're a deep thinker. However, I should caution you that these things tend to be a lot simpler than all you've started. For instance, women don't need to live separate to figure things out. They need to live separate to be with other people. While the sitches themselves tend to be complex the reasons walk aways do what they do are pretty simple.
Please take a deep breath, step back, and just try to relax. Please read all of cadets links. There is s lot of wisdom in those links. Also, concentrate on what you can control. At that is yourself. GAL. 180s. Detachment. Be the best Paco you can be.
I'd also get out of MC for now. She going through the motions. Probably just to appease your kids. Classic WAW behavior.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Welcome Paco. I am sorry you find yourself here. There are a great bunch of people on here with a lot of collective wisdom that you would be wise to consider. I like your comment about finding things to be grateful for, even in our darkest hour. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Happy Thanksgiving.
That was quite the introduction. You clearly have given a lot of thought to the matter and seem to be operating from a place of good emotional stability. Most of us are in pieces or curled up in the fetal position when we first start posting here.
You say that W "walked away 10 months ago." I assume that means that she left the marriage home and is living elsewhere? Steve's point is that the most common reason for a WW to leave the house is so that they can carry on a PA. Do you think that is a possibility? If it were true would that affect your line of thinking?
You seem to understand the need to let her go and to focus on your own life and keep advancing with it. Of course, saying that and following through with it are two very different beasts. Are you at a point where you are happy with how your own life is going, independent of her?
Thank you for the reminder to constantly search for reasons to be grateful in our lives. Even in these dark hours there are so many beacons of light if we only lift up our eyes. May you be blessed with much gratitude as well.
Take care,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Responding to Steve and David: to me, the issues are complex; my response is simple.
Given what I know of W's situation, I believe there is no OM or OW, no PA or EA. Even if there were, they would strike me as symptoms, rather than the disease. I believe individuals need and want an unshakable sense of self to live a life of wholeness and integrity. During the times I lost touch with this myself, I know I relied on distractions to soothe my soul.
When W tells me she needs time and space to sort this out for herself, my respect and love for her accepts her statement at face value. If she is misleading me or herself, I have 35 years worth of data persuading me her current state is atypical of the woman I love. All of which is to say, I think we rely on these labels--MLC, WW, WAS--as shorthanded ways to deal with complex situations.
And yet, and yet, and yet, in the face of this complex situation, I choose to respond simply. I have needed to dig deep to find my own authentic response. Digging deep, I have rediscovered a spiritual core calling me to respond with love and patience. As David accurately points out, saying this and living this are two different beasts. But living this is the only thing over which I exert control. But even as I try to focus on my life's work, I continue to pray for her to heal and to find her own spiritual core. If she does, when she does, I hope she will find me waiting on the other side.
