Saw my H briefly this morning. He’s back to being super pleasant (too pleasant) yet uncomfortable. I let him know that I had packed up the rest of his clothes. He seemed a bit surprised. Still no response to my email. I am nervous about that.
I was looking through the quotes thread and saw AS’s one about the stages that we all go through. Man did that ever hit home when I think about my progression through this situation. I think I have entered Stage 5 where I have realized that he is unlikely to ever come back and am moving toward Stage 6. Even though I know that I have not yet fully detached, I really think that process will escalate for me once we have gotten through the holidays. December will be tough. My kids’ birthday, his mom’s birthday, his daughter’s birthday, Christmas, New Year’s... all are family occasions that we are used to being together for. January is a new year and this will be my year for ME. There will be a lot of New Year’s resolutions and at the top of the list will be well and truly letting go of my H and of the future that I had planned for us. Really is a testament to the idea of focusing on the moment and not going too far into the future with plans. It is nice to have goals and dreams but not a good idea to count on anything. Makes it that much harder to adjust when life does not go as planned - and it almost never does.
I thought ASs stages were interesting and also somewhat daunting. Given how long my H has been planning his escape and the amount of guilt he is carrying around, I suspect that if he EVER got to Stage 11, it would definitely be a couple years from now. If I am honest, I have serious doubts that he would ever act on it even if he did miss me. He just went to such great lengths to escape that I don’t think he would trust his feelings enough. I also think that by then, he will have found someone else to love and be well into a relationship. He really does not have any of those feelings left for me that he can access. He looks at me and feels nothing but sadness and guilt (emphasis on the last one) and that won’t change anytime soon, if ever. So I have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on. I am really looking forward to the day when the thought of that makes me happy and excited.
If I read AS’ post back when I started to DB, I’d have told you that I want to make it to step 11 as quickly as possible. Despite being told that it’s going to take time (lots of months, year maybe), I would have told you (and I have if you look at my earlier threads) that things were progressing quicker and we’re on the right track.
But I also was constantly looking over my shoulder to see if W noticed, and even deep down I knew that things were not as they seemed and that the journey is still in its infancy. It took a painful snooping session to really come to terms at to how serious this is and that I really need to drop the rope.
When I truly let go, that is when I really started to feel the growth inside of me. I am feeling better, more confident, and carrying myself as God’s gift. I really do care as much if W notices. She wants in great. If it, her loss.
Get to that stage. Act confident. Pamper yourself. Buy nice clothes and go out. Strut your stuff! You’re beautiful! Make the world know!
Thanks Pain. I am getting there I think. My emotions are steadier, I am less sad, I am starting to take things less personally, I am coming to terms with the fact that I have no influence over my H and that trying to influence him (by action or inaction) only adds more pressure to the situation. His whole “I need you to let me go” conversation on Sunday was an eye opener for me. I haven’t been pursuing him in any overt way but his guilt is so immense (makes sense considering how long he has been lying to me) that he sees pursuit in EVERYTHING I do at this stage. My only hope for me, and for him, is to go as dark as possible but that is so darn difficult to do when we have young kids. There are always things to communicate and communication, for us, is challenging as it seems to remind him of his guilt somehow. It often seems that I am d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don’t.
So my only choice is to let go in earnest (and I am being honest when I say that I am MUCH closer to that than even a week ago) and let the chips fall where they may. I have come to realize that while I am very much a nice, open-minded, accepting and generous person, there is also a part of me that really does want to control things in my life. There is comfort and safety in “running the show” and I very much did that in my marriage. There are a lot of ways my H benefited from that and relied on it but he also grew to resent it at the same time. I thought I was doing my part as the CEO of our marriage but it did not match up well with an H who is deathly afraid of conflict and will not let his opinion be known regardless of how opposite it is to mine. That fact has become crystal clear to me in this process and I can see where I could have made some changes in our R if I had only known that is what was going on. But hindsight is always 20/20. I will be much more aware of these kinds of dynamics when/if I ever find myself in another R. That’s a hard one to imagine at this stage but one never knows what the future might bring.
Hmmm...maybe I should have gone to work today. Still sick at home. Started looking at pictures on my phone from last year. This time last year, the kids and I want to watch my H at his first solo gig at a local restaurant. I remember being so proud of him. The week before, H brought his D and his friends to watch me play pool in my tournament. Then there was a trip to Vegas for me and the next week we hosted my H’s staff Christmas party. The next day, a solo trip in the boat with me and H and a nice walk along a deserted beach. The day after, a birthday party for my kids...then Christmas pictures...then our trip to Mexico. It all looked and felt so good. This is someone who says he has been done for four years and that he moved with me and our kids because he thought I would be okay here if/when he left. What happened? I ha nothing but feelings of love for him then. How could two people go through the exact same experience and feel such different things? Gosh...that was tough to look at those. He looked happy...with me...with our life together. How could I have missed it? Sitting solidly in Stage 4 I guess...looking towards Stage 5 and aiming for Stage 6 in a couple more months. Yikes...that little pity party took me by surprise and I gues I did it to myself.
He’s back to being super pleasant (too pleasant) yet uncomfortable ... Still no response to my email. I am nervous about that.
I recall you said he was conflict avoidant ...
He is processing and trying to work out how he can turn the situation around so he can still cake eat.
You are doing brilliantly DjV. I don't know if ultimately these actions will bring him back, but it is certainly making him think about consequences.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I was looking through the quotes thread and saw AS’s one about the stages that we all go through. Man did that ever hit home when I think about my progression through this situation. I think I have entered Stage 5 where I have realized that he is unlikely to ever come back and am moving toward Stage 6.
That hit me hard as well. I am probably at 4 ... though a good 4 in that his reactions to my GAL'g / detaching make me laugh now. And I honestly don't give to much of a [censored] what he is doing or what he is up to. I only care when it infringes on me. When his lack of consideration causes logistical problems for me. I am standing up more for myself now in that you 'fired me' so I am not cleaning up your rubbish anymore.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
If I am honest, I have serious doubts that he would ever act on it even if he did miss me. He just went to such great lengths to escape that I don’t think he would trust his feelings enough. I also think that by then, he will have found someone else to love and be well into a relationship. He looks at me and feels nothing but sadness and guilt (emphasis on the last one) and that won’t change anytime soon, if ever.
As a good mate of mine said, it is the 'weight of the past' that is stopping him from reconciling with his W. About a year after they separated, she tried to commit suicide and he went back to look after her. By weight what he actually (partly)means is the guilt over the sadness he caused her and the resentment he feels towards her for making him feel guilty. There were other things wrong in their M but non of it couldn't be fixed with a willingness to make it work. It has been over two years now. He has still not found anyone. He dates someone for a few months but then finds something wrong with each of them and sabotages it. I think what he finds wrong is they are interested in him and he does not actually like himself very much. He puts on a good front. But he does not think he is worth loving.
Anyway, I an envious of your resolve and that you have faced your fear. I am not there yet. I don't honestly know if I will ever be.
And yes, I agree going dark is impossible with kids. Particularly with kids which are loved deeply by both parents. Best I can hope for is a dark grey - which to me means polite but uninterested.
Ahhh...FS. You are always there when I need you. You remember correctly... he is very conflict avoidant... also has articulated a number of times that he feels he has “no right” to object to any of my feelings or demands [not that I’ve made any]. I am sure there are things in the email he wants to argue. And I suspect he will in time given that I gave him a deadline (December 15th) to complete the changeover to separate accounts, etc... He is also a procrastinator so that will not serve him well in this instance either. As I told him... “I don’t agree with any of this but I won’t stop you. You will have to do the work.” That will likely stop him for awhile. His circus, his monkeys.
Interesting observation about your friend. I wonder that about my H. I can’t imagine being him, with all of the pretending he has done for so many years, and trying to start something with someone else. It would just be more lying, wouldn’t it? How could he not lie to a new person? How could he actually be honest with them when he can’t even be honest with himself? I asked him about the frantic texts he had sent me early on in this sitch when he was talking about wanting to come home and being ashamed, and not wanting to face anyone followed by texts about the things he wanted to do to “get better” and random “I love you’s”. You know what he said? He said, “That was just me wanting to fill up some holes that I knew were there.” He actually convinced himself that the holes he was trying to fill were MINE. WTF?? I am not the one with holes here buddy. It is YOU that has holes to fill. Stop making this about me!!!! Crazy the lack of insight that he has. But again...too painful to go there. It will be interesting to see what his counsellor does with him. He told me Sunday he has an appointment. With who and how good they are, I don’t know. Fingers crossed he gets someone who will challenge him and not just nod their head and focus on helping him develop coping skills. But...not something I can control. I have thought about going to IC as well but have decided against it for now. I’m actually doing pretty well considering and I find this board as therapeutic as I would seeing a counsellor. I will keep an open mind about it for sure but for now, I will just keep moving forward as best I can. I feel fortunate in that respect. My H is moving on as well but given everything he has done, he will never feel truly absolved of his past and there will come a time in his life when he will look back and wonder if he could have made different choices. I won’t need to do that. I know that I did the best with the information that I had and that I had no choice. I want to be a completely different human by this time next year.
I don’t think my resolve is much different from yours FS. You have made a ton of progress and I still think you are ahead of me in that regard. I know that I will backslide from time to time and I accept it. But it won’t be that far back and it won’t be that long. For instance, after my little pity party, I got my butt off my bed and packed up the rest of his stuff from our master bedroom. It is now 100% mine...nothing of his remains. It actually feels pretty good.
I like that. Another one I like I first heard on Diet Land (netflix). I will try and recall it but it wa a while ago and I am using some artistic license to fit in without sitches ...
A novice asks a senior monk the secret to happiness. The monk leads him to a cave and shows him a glass bottle with a duck in it. The monk says free the duck and you will know and leaves. The novice gets to trying to get the duck out. I assume he starts with trying to coax it out (niceing it out) then tries to temp it out with whatever it is ducks like to eat affection, promise of intimacy, changing things they don’t like) but the duck won’t budge. It retreats further into the bottle. The monk returns the next day to find the novice dismayed. The monk repeats the instructions and leaves the exhausted novice. The next day the monk returns. This time the novice is frantic. He has poked the duck, shaken and even tried to break the bottle but th duck will not come out. The monk repeats the instruction and leaves. The next day the monk returns to find the novice in good spirits. The novice says he has found happines. The monk replies “so you freed the duck” and the novice says “Nope - I realised it is not my duck. It is not my bottle”.
W can no fix other people and other people are not the secret to our happiness.
I had lunch with a mutual friend today of the mate I wrote about in the above post. Apparently he is off dating at the moment because all the women he meets just want s**. When he split from his W one of his radon’s was she wasn’t interested anymore. Hmmmnnn ... be careful what you wish for.
There is nothing left in the MBR of my H. I also completely redecorated it (out of spire I think) about a month after he MO. I referred to it as my BR the other night without thinking and I saw him flinch ... again, a lesson to him to BR careful what you wish for.
H texted me today. Hasn’t seen the kids in a few days so asked if he could pick them up and take them out for ice cream. Since he knows I am sick at home (he saw me this morning), I had no reason to say “no”. Still having a bit of a “hangover” from my impulsive picture review this afternoon. I just should not have done that. Looking backwards does nothing but bring sadness and confusion. So...definitely Stage 4 heading to Stage 5. If I was truly at Stage 5 or 6, I think I could have looked at those pictures with little to no emotion. So...reality check for me. If only I could just go away for a couple months and have no contact with him at all. I think that would help. Unfortunately...another reality check...that’s not possible. I have kids, a dog, a house, a job... so I must continue to have contact with him. More sadness for me... more guilt for him. Can’t seem to have one without the other it seems.
H just left with the kids. My S10 was working on his homework and was supposed to describe a trip he took on a plane. I was playing him the video of his first flight which happened to be sitting next to my H on our family trip last year. H came over to look but then left after about 10 seconds and disappeared down the stairs for about three minutes. I would have thought he would have gone into our D10’s room to hurry her up but I have this feeling that watching that video made him emotional. Me too. Earlier my S10 was talking about it being our first big family trip and he saw me looking a bit sad. He immediately started to say that it might not be our last family trip... “He might come back Mom. You don’t know that he won’t. He’s just confused.” OMG...could my heart break anymore? That KILLED me. I just gave him a big hug and told him that even if he doesn’t, Mommy will be fine. He recovered pretty quickly. Seriously...stop the roller coaster... I just want to get off.
Also...we were talking about my S10’s birthday party weekend falling on the weekend my H has him. He wants to come here. He also said that I lied to him because I told him he was only going to be at dad’s for two days and he was there for four. Sigh...
